DH's cousin's wife is getting on my nerves, trying to line up shifts for me at her charity shop when I retire, and trying to get me to join her walking group! AIBU to ask you fine people how the heck I can deal with her?!!!

She felt what she felt. Boundaries are harder for some of us than others.

The cousin's wife is extremely pushy and would not let up. These sort of people don't respond respectfully to normal social cues or a direct no, they just roll back the bulldozer and push harder.

You’re getting so wound up. All you have to do is say, ‘No.’

I think ultimately we are not saying anything too different from each other.
My point really is that for people who do find boundaries harder, it can be helpful to contextualise the "threat," because then you realise what you have to say to hose them off isn't actually as daunting as it might feel.

OP has dealt with this lady, and that's a good step. But I do think next time she should remind herself she can get a similar outcome with a much simpler message.

I don't think we are saying anything alike at all. You have belaboured your point that all OP needed to do was just say no all through this thread. Eg:

I think the pushiness of this woman is being overplayed on here. The problem was you hadn't really said a clear no.

Fabulous for you if you've not encountered this sort of person, if your upbringing didn't leave you afraid of confrontation, or if as it seems you lack the ability to see why someone might feel as they feel - though I would think the latter was rather a hindrance in life.

Well I have to say you don't seem backward in coming forward when it comes to being combative!

What an unpleasantly - and unnecessarily - aggressive response (which is actually my real point: why overdo the aggression)

Because I don’t think you understand what that particular poster, along with other posters like myself have been trying to say.

Some people are unable to just say “no”.
This is usually due to their background/ how they have been brought up. These type of people tend to be people pleasers who get treated like a mug and walked all over throughout their life and people who suss them out/ know them well can see their ‘weakness’ (vulnerability) and will constantly put on pressure because they know that person is likely to just do whatever because for whatever reason, they are either afraid to say no or not strong enough to stand up for themselves.

You keep arguing that there is a ‘polite’ way to say no, but the op should just say ‘no’ anyways and be polite about it. Some people, like the op struggle to do such, until they reach a point where they feel trodden on, their feelings don’t matter etc and will give a response that others may see as ‘overreactive’. However to that person, their “overreaction” comes from many years of being treated like the easy target, the one who can be walked all over and eventually they find the courage to say no - but in a less ‘polite’ way! Op has done nothing wrong in her message to the woman. The woman is clearly a piss taker and a cheeky fucker and needed a very firm no!

If you cannot see that the woman was being a cheeky fucker and the op was too afraid to say no, to the point she turned to MN to create a thread to gauge people’s thoughts and for her to get some encouragement to finally say “no” then you have obviously spent this entire thread arguing about a situation where you have no experience with, because you have never had issues saying “no” straight away yourself!

I see several posters think part of my message to this woman was a bit abrasive. I don't. I wonder if the small handful of people thinking I should have been nicer and more 'polite' are people who think women should be 'kind' and polite, and have been conditioned to think women should be 'nice?'

No, posters have been trying to point out that you can be assertive without causing offence to the other person. It's not about being 'kind', it's about being able to say a calm 'No' or state your opinion on a matter without causing upheaval and tension when there is absolutely no need to.

No you are right, I haven't struggled to say no, BUT I can see the op - and others - have.

I can also see she has made progress by saying what she said. And I can see very clearly what you mean about when it finally comes, it can seem an overreaction. That's exactly how it came across.

All I think some of us are saying is, now she has seen the "no" works, maybe next time she can dial it down a bit. That is meant to be helpful, but maybe it is too soon.

But it's a thought. I'll leave it there for the OP to mull - and it might be useful or it might not - because one of the reasons I tend to like to do the polite version of "no" is that I don't enjoy, or see the point of, unpleasantness, and I feel some pp are getting unpleasant.

Well I have to say you don't seem backward in coming forward when it comes to being combative!

What an unpleasantly - and unnecessarily - aggressive response (which is actually my real point: why overdo the aggression)

One word- no. If you're feeling generous, 7. Thank you but that's not for me.

This - just tell her!

Why on earth is this bothering you,.. just say, oh no thank you.. to both.

You dont even need to give a reason, but if she asks why , you can just say I Dont want to.. simple!

Crikey. I've only read your posts @GoldAndSilverBells , but you went from wussy to incendiary in the course of this thread!

I would simply have said "I think I need to find my own course through retirement, Joan. I'm going to take it easy to start with, and then gradually take up opportunities that fit with my own interests. Thank you for thinking of me, but the charity shop and walking group are your things. I need to find my things"

Thank you @mulberrymilk and @Flyingintotheunknown for your posts. (And the others who have been supportive and understanding, which has been the majority to be fair.)

Yes it is very easy for the people who find it so easy to just say NO to say that everyone else needs to do the same! For some of us, it's not so easy. I know I should have 'used my words' 🙄and told her in the first place, but I didn't. I have now though, and she is in no doubt that I am NOT going to work in her charity shop, OR join the walking group .... Regarding the small handful of people saying the ✔probably means she is pissed off, well I don't know if she is, but I couldn't give a shit quite honestly.

A bit of an update. DH spoke to his cousin yesterday evening, (via WhatsApp,) and his cousin said 'Sue wonders if she's upset Bells by asking her if she wanted to do some shifts in her charity shop, and join her walking group, because she sent a message to her the other day, and she was pleasant enough really, but sounded very slightly annoyed...'

DH said to his cousin 'Sue didn't ask though, about the charity shop or the walking group, she was telling her she's lining her up for some shifts - 2 eight hour ones a week, and enrolling her in the walking group, without even asking.' Cousin said 'well she was only trying to help her fill her time when she retires...'

DH said 'Bells will have no problem filling her time at all, and it would have been nice if Sue had asked, but she didn't, and Bells felt she was being ordered to do it LOL. Maybe she should have just said no in the first place, but we know Sue doesn't like taking no for an answer LMFAO. Anyway, it's done now, and Bells has told Sue that she's not doing it.' Cousin said 'well I have to admit Sue is known for railroading people into things a bit sometimes, but Bells made herself clear enough that she's not doing either one PMSL.' Then 30 seconds later he messaged 'Oooh, don't tell her I said this by the way!'

So yeah, even her husband knows she's bossy and controlling, and yeah she did think my message was a little bit salty.

I do not give a shit. I don't regret one single word of the message I sent her. To the posters saying I should have been more 'nice' and more 'kind' and not been 'brusque,' you don't know her, she needs a firm message to put her in her place. As I (and several others have said,) no matter what message I sent, someone was going to critisize it. I had people saying 'grow a spine,' and 'use your words!' and 'have you seriously got to nearly 60 and not got the ability to say NO?' and all that jazz.... Then when I DID 'bite back' and make it clear I was NOT doing it, some people were like 'oooh, no that was TOO brusque and salty, you should have been NICER!' PMSL can't win with some people. 😆

DH finished off by saying 'Bells isn't upset or offended, she just didn't want to do either thing - work in the shop OR join the walking group, so you can report back to Sue that all is OK.' 😆

Seeing her soon, so hopefully all is well. I'm sure she'll be fine, after her DH reassures her I am not 'offended!'

This. ^ I see several posters think part of my message to this woman was a bit abrasive. I don't. I wonder if the small handful of people thinking I should have been nicer and more 'polite' are people who think women should be 'kind' and polite, and have been conditioned to think women should be 'nice?'

I said 'I don't know where you got the idea that I would be interested in the charity shop OR the walking group, because I have never shown any interest in either one,' because that is a factual statement. I haven't ever shown an interest in joining either one.! If a few people want to think that's 'rude' that's up to them. To me it was a factual statement. Trying to arrange my life for me by dishing out shifts in her charity shop (and trying to get me to join her walking group which is a 14-15 mile round trip in the car to get to!) with no interest shown from me - ever - was an imposition, and a bit of a cheek and I gave it the response it deserved.

I think if a man had sent the same message, he would have been applauded (possibly by these same posters.) I mean let's face it, this would not have happened to a man, but if he'd said no and been rude with it (not that I was!) no-one would have batted an eyelid! DH said he would have just said 'no' much sooner and bloody meant it. But he's a man, and men don't have a problem saying no!

Not man-bashing by the way! I admire how they can easily say 'no' or 'LOL fuck off' and mean it, and people accept it. (On the rare occasion they are asked!) The only time I have known men do anything when asked is when they're asked to do something like mow the lawn for an older family member, and they say they'll do it but they want paying for it, because it's 'their time.'

Even my own male cousins and my brother and several male neighbours used to mow the lawn for grandparents, and aunties etc, and took money off them for it. See also: other DIY. They'd never do it for free. The shit would have hit the fan if a woman said no to anything, let alone want payment for it!!! As has been said, free labour from women is always expected. NO-ONE expects it from men.

I don't regret sending the message, and I won't be apologising for it. People are entitled to their views of course, as it's a free country, I just disagree with them. That said, the vast majority of posters think the message was fine anyway. As has been said by a couple of posters, I was getting messages from several posters saying 'stop being a pushover, and a wet lettuce,' and 'grow a backbone' and 'be more assertive' and 'how have you got to nearly 60 without being able to say no?' and 'be firm,' and 'use your words!!!' etc etc, then when I do send an assertive and firm message, I get 'oooooooh that was a bit abrasive/rude/coarse, there was no need for that!' 😆

One thing is for sure. Women can't win. There's always someone who will criticise what we do - or don't do!

I got a message from DH's cousin's wife this morning. At 10am.

'OK, fine, I just thought it would keep you busy. Didn't think you'd mind.'

I messaged back. 'well I did mind a bit to be honest, I was just surprised that you were arranging my life for me when I had retired. No harm done, but I'm really not interested.'

She didn't message back, but she did do a ✔to that message. So is coming across as not too pissed off. Will she slag me off to family members? Will she get her husband - DH's cousin - to try and change my mind??? Time will tell. But it's sort of resolved for now! I guess I will have to see what her demeanour is like when I see her in a couple of weeks! OR if she continues to badger me... She is NOT the sort of person who likes being told no!

Once again, thank you to everyone who has responded, and taken time out of your day to post and give advice. I do appreciate all of the posts. 😘

Have a lovely day everyone.