DH's cousin's wife is getting on my nerves, trying to line up shifts for me at her charity shop when I retire, and trying to get me to join her walking group! AIBU to ask you fine people how the heck I can deal with her?!!!

[GoldAndSilverBells]

This is doing my head in, and I just wondered how to handle it.

I am due to retire soon. May possibly be early next year. (Luckily, I am retiring a few years earlier than I thought I would be able to - at 60.)

DH's cousin's wife, works for a charity shop, and is the Deputy Manager, and all she has banged on about, since DH decided to mention (about 3 months ago,) that I may be retiring soon is how wonderful it is that they'll have an extra pair of hands in the charity shop, and has told me to let her know when I retire, so she can pop me on the rota!

I mean, WTF? I have worked since I was 16, so about 43 years, with no break, other than 2 maternity leaves of 4 months each (and they're not holidays,) and she has me lined up for work in her shop. 'I'm sure we can squeeze a couple of 8 hour shifts a week out of you!' she said smugly the other day.

She is also trying to get me to join her 'walking group.' She lives 7 miles away, and it's her village walking group, so I would have to drive there every time (it's twice a week.) I love walking but HATE doing it in groups. Prefer to do it alone. Sometimes with DH, or my DC, occasionally a friend, but NOT in a big group. There's 25 or so of them, and I like to walk at my own pace, and on my own chosen routes.

I could honestly cuss DH for telling her. Me retiring is none of her business! It's OK for her, up to 2 years ago (she's aged 56 now,) she has always been a homemaker/stay at home mum, (and has had no children at home for the past 12 years and was still a homemaker for another 10 years before getting this charity shop job..) There's nothing wrong with being a homemaker if it suits both of you in the couple.... But basically she has never had to work... I am looking forward to a chance to just do ....... nothing, as I have worked nearly 43 years!

Well, maybe sit in the garden reading, going for walks, (not in big groups!) and looking around the shops, and going to the woodlands, doing some gardening, writing poetry, and just doing what I want to, after 43 years of work. OK, the last 28 have been part time - 20 to 22 hours a week, but I was raising a family as well as working part time, (our DC left around 6-7 years ago,) and I am looking forward to the total freedom, and not having to do anything, unless I want to, and I don't want DH's bossy cousin's wife arranging my life for me. (DH is planning on retiring about 2 years after me......)

So far, I have just been like 'err, ha ha, errrm, well...' and she's moved on to the next subject (we see her maybe once every 3-4 weeks.) DH said I just need to tell her NO, but how can I word it without sounding horrible? She is really bossy, and I am quite placid and quiet.. Upshot is I am not working in the charity shop because I don't want to, OR joining the 'walking group!' I hate big group gatherings, and am a free spirit, and always get lost in these groups and ignored, because I'm fairly quiet.

HELP! How can I deal with this? I'm so annoyed that I have to!!!

I think we are coming at it from different angles. My point is that, however rude and pushy someone is in their approach and phrasing 1) They can’t actually dictate how you live your life so however it’s worded you should treat it like a request/question and answer accordingly, and 2) You don’t need to do anything other than shut it down, preferably at the time of having a conversation.

I might consider a person presumptuous and rude, but I would just make it clear I wasn’t interested. I wouldn’t take them to task for their presumption, which makes it more awkward than it needs to be and, in my view, is at least bordering on rude itself. I understand people are saying that doesn’t matter, and that it is necessary to talk to the person like this, but that’s the point I was making for clarity.

Just say thanks but I have a list of things I want to do first, things I have not been able to do while working

You don't think by now OP could possibly have already sent a reply?

Absolutely!

If only there was a simple, one-click option to see any updates from the OP.🙄

How would approach it if the pushy person did not take your original 'no' for an answer, and kept on badgering you?

This is the ridiculous mumsnet thing of not saying anything straight out, then the op is panicked and regrets not saying no from the off! And therefore weaves a tangled web :) just tell her what youve told us! You want a break from working, politely but firmly. Youve even said you’re not keen on her, so who cares what she thinks. Don’t be railroaded

Well it’s not relevant to this scenario, as the OP hasn’t ever said no before coming out with all this (and now, having made her view clear, she’s accepted that no incidentally), but as you’ve asked…I would continue to say no, remind them I’ve already said no if necessary, and if they still have the persistence of a chugger - so what? Rota me in to the shop if you want I won’t be turning up 😂

I don’t believe that’s a thing that would happen though, yes people can be pushy and persistent but usually it’s because the other person can’t just say no properly and show they mean it.

This is the "ridiculous mumsnet thing" (your words!) of not being bothered to read the OPs updates on the thread.

"just tell her what youve told us!" - she has!

@YourOliveBalonz - I’m sure that the majority of people will take No for an answer, but as @Andepeda’s post shows, some don’t. She was crystal clear, but her friend carried on nagging.

And that's the whole point! 🙄
Crikey! Some of you are bonkers, & could definitely cause an argument in an empty room! 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think we are. I do think someone being this presumptuous deserves a sharp response from at least one of the many people they will be doing it to and most of the time they have the hide of a rhino anyway.

I actually think it's famously part of British culture that we apologise when not in the wrong e.g. if someone bumps into us, queue politely, and are not so "rude" as to not take a bloody hint. If you ask someone to do you a favour and they um and ah, it means "No"!

I don't think a man would have given such a long explanation in reply; despite how firm it was, it was still based on justification. He'd have just said something like, "Sorry, no, I'm not free and it's not my thing", although he'd probably be more confident that his no would be accepted straight away; and if it wasn't, he'd probably just leave it at "I told you I can't, that's the end of it." Tbh, that message did read to me exactly like someone who's not used to saying no.

Still, it had the desired outcome, so you can't really argue with that! And yes, will be interesting to see if OP's husband gets the same treatment when he retires...

I would just stop engaging. As PP said you can't physically force a person to do a shift in a charity shop. You say no thank you and don't engage. If pushy person puts you on the rota that's not your problem.

All this handwringing and explaining from the OP @GoldAndSilverBells. Stop giving people so much control over you.

Yup. This.

Yes, or you can actually say 'stop nagging me about it I said no'. Or 'if you keep nagging me about it I'm leaving/hanging up'.

Most of us are parents on here and it's the same level of escalating boundary setting as you would do with a child... gentle guidance, then firm reinforcement, through to very cranky indeed if needed. I can't believe how many women seem unable to do it and wonder how wild their kids must have been!

“Oh how kind but really don’t worry about me , I have plenty lined up . To start I need a lot of time to decompress and then to catch up with some household stuff that’s suffered with lack of time so I won’t be committing to anything. Longer term I have other plans for my heath and social life . I’m thanks for thinking of me but really, you don’t need to worry !

She's worked full time about 15 years but yes, still just say no.

Sidebar - I wouldn't go on and on about how hard it is to work FT to the age of 60 around younger friends/relatives though, might not go down super well.

Just tell her that you don’t want to work in the shop & that you’ve sorted your walks out for the foreseeable ! I found that when I retired I had to be very assertive , I had numerous people contact me wanting me to give my time ( doing what I did previously on a paid basis) for free for their cause . My answer was always very firm “ No thanks - I’m not planning on doing that in my retirement “.
The same happened to DH , numerous friends and DSis . Honestly the only way is to be blunt or you’ll regret retiring!

@GoldAndSilverBells
Well done 👏

Mrs pushy is obviously not used to being told no.

It’s also good that now you know the sky won’t fall in if you speak up for yourself.

She says I have worked since I was 16, so about 43 years, with no break, other than 2 maternity leaves of 4 months each (and they're not holidays,) and she has me lined up for work in her shop.

But, yes, if it was 15 years, 5 years or even 5 months, she is still entitled to say no.

Yes and further down that post she clarified "...just doing what I want to, after 43 years of work. OK, the last 28 have been part time - 20 to 22 hours a week"

Early retirement from a lifetime of mostly part time work might be enough to make me jealous (and as I said, OP might want to be careful about moaning to those younger - who will work to 68 - that she had such a long hard working life before retirement) - but I don't think it should be punishable with mandatory volunteering and walking with someone you don't like 😝

It isn't mandatory.

It cannot be mandatory, because there is no apparatus of state to make the op attend.

Yes 😂 I was obviously joking, by saying that she shouldn't be/feel "forced" to volunteer etc

No I agree. But she need not have felt so challenged by the proposal: "no" is fine. There's no question of making her do anything.

Some people are blaming the other woman for what is partly the OP's framing of the threatening nature of the situation, when it just isn't.

She felt what she felt. Boundaries are harder for some of us than others.

The cousin's wife is extremely pushy and would not let up. These sort of people don't respond respectfully to normal social cues or a direct no, they just roll back the bulldozer and push harder.