i have just had my second son who is now 7 weeks old. my eldest is 3. I had a terrible pregnancy because i didn't feel ready to have another baby and because my husband was so unsupportive and irresponsible, spending a lot of time out or in the pub. I felt trapped then and still do. The birth was traumatic, resulting in an emergency c-section because the cord was wrapped around babys head about three times. He is a very unsettled baby, not surprisingly, and i feel so guilty for what i must have put him through while i was pregnant because of the stress i was under. I feel i should have done something about it.
I get so angry and tearful all the time now and i feel terrible because i know it affects my children. I feel so unsupported and alone. my husband is marginally more helpful and isn't in the pub all the time now but somehow it all feels as if it has come too late.
i feel resentful towards my children and guilty at the same time because it's not their fault and i take it out on my eldest which i feel so bad about because i love him so much and i don't want to hurt him or mess him up. i feel like i am failing as a mother. i don't feel connected to ds2 and it hurts so much. i am breastfeeding and not enjoying it. my baby feeds all the time and is never satisfied, i'm worn out but i don't want to give up bf because i think that will make me feel even worse.
my husband works quite a lot and is understandably tired, but he sleeps pretty much all the time if he isn't at work and i don't think this is fair. i haven't had a lie in for about 3 years yet he gets at least one a week. i am so tired at the moment because i am up twice in the night and then up at 6am for ds1. i do pretty much all the cooking, cleaning etc and everything that requires responsibility to be taken (money etc). i don't think i'm being unreasonable in wanting a bit of support am i?
right now i feel like walking out the door and leaving everyone behind, but i couldn't do that to my children. i feel so lonely and isolated.