i feel so worthless

See other thread

here, so you know i wasnt fibbing 8-)

hi hun...just searched archived messages for this thread as havent been able to find it...i have not been ingnoring you
hope you are all well?
dd's party was great, she loved it and got lots of lovely presents(mainly Dora stuff!!what a surprise)
doc has just doubled my dose..again
however yesterday and today have been really nice, just hope i can carry this over and set myself on an even keel!
am even considering setting up an ironing business once im 99%! as want to get off benefits and want to move to nicer area, so this is only way we can doo it as they dont take into account I.B or anything like that(i dont think)
been out all day today, soft play a.m with SIL, BIL and niece, dd loves SIL..then went for lunch in spootted cow in Elwick which was gorgeous, then went to tweddle farm, where the children can stroke and feed the animals and it also has lots of toys, sandpits, swings,slides etc etc for the girls to play on, so was great.....apart from me and niece being bit by a pig when we were feeding them!!!
poor lamb, must have really hurt as it hurt me and shes not even two yet

hope to hear from you soon(i did start another thread for you?)
take care

x

Hiya and sorry for the lack of posts Ds has been a bit under the weather this weekend (etc etc) and my goodness is it tiring! Saw you posted on another thread re your dd's naps - hugs to you and hope things get better soon. Is she feeling ok now? (you said she'd had trouble with her ears?)

Hope your weekend was good and that the sun shone for you. Hope all the plans are coming together for dd's birthday as well. Think for ds's we'll try to have a get together at the park as it SHOULD be sunny in July! Are you having lots of people to your dd's or just a few? (know I'll be going for just a few!)

Anyway, hugs to you and thinking of you. Hope the ad's are still doing their job

hiya hun
glad youve been having agood day
my days been nice too, gave dd one of her birthday presents cos we had to be in all day and she was so much better when going down for her nap and again tonight just hope she settles through night though, cos she said to me today her ears where hurting(just got over ear infection) and when getting her ready for bed, noticed a few spots on her arms and back of legs, so might be a viral infection again

yeah, doc doubled my dose of ad's, maybe thats why im having a ok day???hope it lasts

we're going shopping for dd's birthday presents this weekend, but gutted cos outfit i like for her on next site, dont stock in shops!, so might have to order online!, never mind

hope you have a lovely weekend
take care and enjoy yourselves

Hi Feeling quite a bit happier today Thanks for asking, don't think it was anything in particular really....just sometimes get myself wound up and stressed over loads of litle things and end up feeling really low and weepy Anyway, dh is home for the weekend now and we have a nice eve planned for tomorrow (ds at my mum and dad for a sleepover.)

So sorry to hear about work/CAB - as you said, at least fees were paid etc. Really expected that you would have got more help from them though. This might sound hard as I know you said work was a big factor in your pnd, but I guess you just have to try and put it behind you to start feeling better. I had huge hangups re my birth experience and b/f (or not!) and I know that I feel a lot better now that I'm not thinking about them all the time. It's HARD though, when you are depressed and I guess you are thinking "if only this hadn't happened, I might not feel like I do." You WILL start feeling properly yourself eventually. Sorry to hear about your labour as well. I was flat on my back as well....feel quite angry and disappointed about it but hey. We are both reall;y lucky to have our ds (dd).......don't know about you, but have read some of the m/c posts on here, and feel SO grateful for ds. Even though he tires me out something rotten

Good for you removing yourself forom a potential arguement (I should follow your lead sometimes!!) Hope you managet to feel truly chilled by the end of the eve Sometimes feel like dh is angling for an arguement, but we're terrible as neither of us likes backing down! Hope this eve has been ok for you.... Don't know how it's been for you, but dh and I argued SO much when I had pnd....to the stage a few times talking about divorce and who wold get what.....bleugh.... On the whole, is dp ok to you, supportive of your moods etc? I get the impression that on the whole he's ok helps out withe dd?

How is it going with the as's? Didn't you, say you upped your dose a couple of days back? Anyway, better be off for now. Really hope you have a good weekend - be kind to yourself and take it easy as much as poss. Not sure if I'll be here tomorrow eve, so apologies if I'm not around for a day or 2. Hugs xx

hi again

how are you feeling now?, hope 'it's passed'?was there anything triggering it? or did it just happen? know what you mean though!

work made it so complicated that citizens advice basically told me to take my two months wage as it wasnt worth it! they CAB) were also very funny about me taking my daughter if it had to go to couurt(dp would be coming but at time was useless with her and didnt have anyone else)...well, i think they were just as bad as work!! discriminating me because of my baby!!!!
at least it paid for solicitor and estate agent fees when we moved!

it sounds lovely where you live

that sounds terrible about your labour
and understandable why its contributing to how you feel.
i had to be induced even though all the way through i was adament i was gonna be up and about with no drugs...i was flat out, with belts round bump, syntocin drip in arm, gas and air and diamorphine, which i hasten to add had worn of an hour before dd born, but they wouldnt give me anymore incase it effected her!

well i had a nice morning yesterday took dd to m&t and her and her little friend played together for most of the morning, but she cried when it was finished and then it took me an hour and lots of crying(both of us) to get her to sleep at her nap(she would have been ratty at t time and not slept at night otherwise), then when dp came home dd was constantly asking for him so he played with her after i had bathed her, while i washed pots, did tea then sat down for ten mins before i got her chilled out for bed(maggie and ferocious beast, drink and toast)..i thought this was really nice of him as id told him what kind of day id had, however, once she was in bed he was winging about stuff being dumped everywhere around house and went on a tidy up mission(comouter desk needed tidying..thats it!), he was angling for an argument so i just said, go on get it out and over with and walked in kitchen!, i couldnt be botherd arguing and he was obviously being an arse!so once id sorted 'the mess!' out i took some magazines, went upstairs and watched footballers wives!...in peace!!!!
men !!!!! aaarrrrrgh(well him anyway!)

have a good day hun, take care.x

Hiya

Well, hope you have been doing ok the last day or 2? Hate to admit it but have been a bit uppy-downy on the mood front - know the feeling? Nothing awful and it's the weekend soon so will hopefully have time to recharge the ol' batteries a bit.

I dread the day that ds climbs out of his cot - hasn't shown any sign of it yet, thankfully. Have been having dreams of him being up and about before us though!! Glad to hear there wss no damage done but bet you worried a bit!! Ds managed to pull half a watering can of water off the side in the kitchen this am and I felt terrible coz it COULD have been something hot

Was great to hear a bit more about you - dh and I have been together 10 yrs in July (althought only married 6.5.) Not sure at all about the law in Eng, but surely they can't make you redundant while on mat leave? Or did they come up with some clever excuse. That must have been horried and I can see how it wouldn't have helped with the pnd at all. Sure much of mine stems from bad birth experience (well the birth itself was okish, but had a fit after and dh said he got the impression it was pretty serious.....wish I'd asked more questions at the time, but thats another story!)

Must be frustrating living somwhere where you don't feel happy/safe going out walking etc. We are VERY lucky in Guernsey in that it's very safe - worst time is Fri/Sat nights when the pubs shut. Great place to visit with little ones plug plug!! As you said, maybe you'll be able to move again if you go back to work....and school isn't that many years away....

So sorry to hear re the driving test - can imagine it to be VERY disheartening, esp as it would make a lot of things so much easier for you. Know a bit how you feel though coz I can't drive due to a prob with my eyes that I was born with, and it's frustrating having to get lifts/the bus all the time, esp with ds (dd) in tow. 5th time lucky Do you have someone you can go out and practice with?? Fingers crossed for you.

Anyway hope all is ok with you. Is dp around over the weekend to help, or does he work? Hugs to you and sorry if I wasn't quite as cheery as usual (bu**er hormones I say!)

xxx

hiya hun

good on you spending some time with dh

i have been tonight inbetween watching supernanny and posting on here about american sizing!

had another good day today, got some stuff done round house which made me feel better..but after i got dd to sleep this afty, i got hoover out as she hates it so we avoid them meeting!, kept checking on her as couldnt hear much on monitor and she was fast asleep, so started doing the stairs..almost at bottom i heard a little bump, thinking it was just Eve bumping her head on bed as she slept, but as i went up to check..here she comes...out of her bed(cotbed with sides!!!)and opened bedroom door stood on landing telling me "done..hoover done?..send to moon now mammy!"

how on earth she didnt break something getting out ill never know, but she was fine afterwards and said she didnt hurt anywhere!!!!
felt terrible!, so we're going to take the sides off at weekend and go buy some safety rails so if she has to climb to get out, she wont/shouldnt hurt herself!
felt terrible!but was also funny later..like the great escape!

im a year older than you and dont plan having any more either!
been together with dp for ten years this may!
worked in loads of different jobs, but last one was for 6 years and managed a mobile phone shop, however they made me redundant when i was on maternity leave!, so had no job to return too which was one of the major factors in my pnd i feel!
so im also sahm, am planning to get myself better and eventually get back to work, hopefully doing something around school hours to make it easier for us.
live in middlesbrough at moment in questionable area because due to me not going back to work decided too sell our house, downsize(we had our first house round here but moved'on' in last one)
quiet most of time, but dont enjoy walking through to get to were im going
lovely 'house' though, we're getting it as we want it without spending too much as we hope to 'upgrade' again when i get back to work, but do feel really a thome in here now we're putting our mark on it
have just failed my 4th driving test my lifeine of not having to walk through this place and drive instead, got another one booked but am getting very disheartend.understandably i suppose

well gonna go off to bed now, hope you ahve a nice night tonight and tomorrow.
thanks for being such a good listener
take care and night to you all
xxxxx

Evening Fraid it will be a short post tonight as promised dh we'd have quality time [wink} Poss not here tomorrow either as hoping to sit doewn in front of a DVD for the eve (The Incredibles!) Just wanted to say hi, and how are you today?

Glad to hear you had such a good day yest, and hope the night was ok too......4:30 sounds sooooo early - poor you! And great to hear that you are making up for lost time with your mum....feel very lucky as we tend to only have little tiffs, nothing too major.

Also glad to hear about the cpn - wish I'd had one (dr was very dismissive when I brought it up - this was ages ago - and at the time didn't have the strength to push for help) Glad yours is good, and fingers crossed re the ad's - no nasty side effects yet?

Hope you get to see Hitch soon - let me know what you think (heard its good.) Dh saw Constantine (sp?) the other night, but wasn't too impressed with it.

Me.....hmmmmm. I'm 27 (just), married to dh for 6 1/2 yrs (and he's still lovely!) 1 ds and THATS IT Live on Guernsey, population about 60k. Lovely place to live - pretty safe, good schools etc etc. Little isolating at times - not such a good choice of careers say, but high employment. Very pretty, always near a park or a beach though. Left school at 17, currently studying with the Open Uni (well, next course starting in Jan.) Have had a few jobs, last one before ds at local supplementary benefits office (not sure what the Eng equivelant is) and loved it. Curreently a SAHM, and hoping to be for a year or 2 yet.

Anyway, really must dash. It'd be good tha hear from you when you have a mo, and I'll be thinking about you over the next couple of days, even if I don't post.

Hugs xx

hi again hun

i've had a really nice day today
dd slept till around 4.30 , but dozed on and off in back bed with me till 6ish..only way i could get her to stop going on about getting up was to open window so she could hear birds singing..but then she kept going..wow..birds singing..oooh..nice
couldnt help but laugh at her
went out to mams and dd walked all the way!, she loves walking and pointing things out and pressing the button at the traffic lights and with it being a nice day, it was a lovely walk even if it did take ages!
she slept in her stroller after my mams when i called to supermarket, but only had 1/2 hour?, went to bed at 7.45 tonight so am keeping everything crossed that she has a good night!

very nice of you to offer youre help
whats it like were you live?, my grandad used to love going to Jersey and Gurnsey with saga!!! and friend of mine moved over their too..must have heard about you

started sitting back a bit and letting other people do things with DD, like dp and my mam(although is difficult with mam as we're just back friends again after a terrible time through my pg and in first year of dd's life, still, she's trying to make up for it now and im forever giving people the benefit of the doubt!
she enjoyed it today and so did i cos i let her run round playing with dd while i had lunch and read mams chat magazines!, bet mam is knackerd tonight!!

its her birthday party on 17th of this month..we're having a bouncy castle soft play party(not much else too do at this age?) and have been going mad on tinternet ordering loads of dora the explorer stuff
still havent bought her pressys yet though!

my Hv organised a CPN to come round and she visits each month..i find her really helpful and makes me understand a lot of things plus today doubled my dose of AD's so that should be helping if these ones do me any good???hope so

dd's gone from telling me to go away to constantly huggin, kissing and telling me she loves me all day, i know she doesnt really understand what shes saying, just when you fel crap you take evrything to heart dont you?
think a lot of it is down to me and how im feeling cos todays been great and ive been happy and so has she..she kept asking for her daddy and telling me about how he had to get a taxi home with shopping then go and fix the car..shes nearly 2 going on 32!!
and today have really enjoyed being with her

so ..after me bending your ear

hows your day been..ive just realised that i dont know much about you other than you have one Ds and live in guernsy(sp)????

what did your dh go to cinema to see other night??i facy watching Hitch..only cause will smiths in it
am hoping to go soon with friend as they do 8.30 showings at ucg near us, so could put dd to bed and go straight there

anyway, wont blather on any more

hope you have a lovely day tomorrow
take care
J.xx

Hi and sorry for not getting back to you last night - could never compete with that length of post!!

Hoping that today was a good day for you. All ok here, though I always find Mondays hard....dh back to work etc. Silly really coz I've been doing this mum thing for ages now! Fingers crossed that dd had a nap as well. Oh and before I forget, what date is dd's b'day? (Hope it's ok to ask this....just know it must be in a week or so from your prev posts.)

"bad days over ride the good and to be honest, there are 'low times' every day" so sorry to hear this but I know exactly how you feel as I've been there. It really is like a rollercoaster! We too are NOT having a second. Very contoversial, but dh has already had the op HOWEVER. a word of caution, as I have been feeling a bit broody recently, now that I feel so much better.....really funny how you can forget the most awful darkest times (bet you don't believe nme at the mo! One day....)

Have you got much support at the mo ie family/friends that can give you a break, even for an hour? Found this really helped me at first...."abscence makes the heart grow fonder etc." Would offer my company in rl, but we live on a teeny island called Guernsey, so guessing it's pretty impractical!

It's not pathetic to feel how you do about the things dd said, but keep it in perspective (v.hard I know.) She's 2, she knows that what she says gets a reaction from mummy, but I don;t think she's really old enough to know what shes saying iykwim? I'm POSITIVE she doesn't hate you. Try not to beat yourself up over it and enjoy it when dp gives you a break. One thing I learned going through pnd is sometimes you have to be really selfish to feel better. If dp takes her off your hands, then do smething, ANYTHING that will lift your spirits a bit. Get out in the fresh air, have a bath, read, listen to "happy" music, whatever.

Got the jist of all you were saying And as you said, bet you felt better just for writing it all down. Dh and I had the most terrible arguments when I was in the thros of pnd (and he's lovely, and we had a brillint relationship before ds.) But if you can talk it really is good, and hopefully he will understand more how you feel etc. I too was terrible for putting up a front, and dh got it all when he was at home with me ( just thinking about how horrid I was!) I couldn't talk to family/friends hardly at all about how I really felt....have you got a decent HV? Mine came round just for a chat a few times when I asked, and that really helped.

Anyway, you know you can be honest about how you feel on here....get it all out of your system if you are feeling bad, and post about the ups too

Hugs to you and thinking of you....want you to feel better like I do (not 100%, but pretty good.) Have the ad's started helping at all yet do you think?

Anyway, prolly nite from me, but post soon? xx

lovely to hear from you tonight hun

hope your ds settled last night and you got a nice rest?

thank the lord, i managed to get dd to have a sleep this afty!!, was torture, but persisited and finally got her to stop crying by quoting "shh, listen whats that sound" from razzledazzle, shes so nosy, she stopped crying, starting listening and dropped off
i felt so relieved once shed dropped off
and just sat and chilled out with dp

i used to be very confident in public(different matter inside) and knew something was 'wrong' almost immediatly as straight away our 'help' vanished and there were no friends/family available to help as they promised...first months will always put me off ever having any more, even though id like to give dd a sibling, its just not gonna happen..im not strong enough!

at this moment, my bad days over ride the good and to be honest, there are 'low times' every day..dd is very difficult at the moment, she's hitting, refusing to do anything she doesnt want too and even when you do something she asks, she then says no and throws a tantrum and havent read her mins exactly!!

finding it very hard

had driving lesson this morning and she said to dp whilst i was out..mammy..dont come back and kept telling me to go back upstairs and telling em to go away when i tried to get involved when she was doing something with dp

stupid, but i really feel like she hates me

i enjoy seeing her and dp getting a stronger relationship and am crying out for a break, but today, i just feel unwanted...pathetic i know

dp cut grass today, so we've all been out in garden playing which she enjoyed, but doesnt seem to like stopping doing anything before 'shes' ready at the minute and kicked off when i had to carry her in!, which started a stress induced argument with me and dp
.however this lead to a good talk about how we feel and i explained that i would have done things differently should i have not been worried about him winging or making stupid comments, he said he wished he was more laid back with her as niece runs around all over and parents can be at other end of cul de sac, where as our dd although is outgoing with people she knows, is much more timid, i told him i would be happy to mop up a couple of grazed knees and throw out some ripped trousers if it meant she was enjoying her self and building her confidense where as he would be like...you're not watching her...she's gonna fall..hurry up..shes running off and so on.
it really hit home to him and he asked why i was only telling him this now?
i told him because its generally easier to keep him happy and adjust the way i do things with dd.
ie:letting her throw a tantrum and ingnoring her instead of picking her up and 'making it better', get it out of her system and make her see she cant always have her own way..
anyway, i know how he works and know, hell be thinking more about it now, so hopefully he'll stop undermining me and stop questioning my judgement.
i told him that when he gets in from work and she pesters him and he's like oh for gods sake, how did he imagine i felt after a full day of it?
and he explained that he found it difficult, so knew i must find it much harder...i then snapped and told him that everyone always say that!, oh, im finding it hard..god knows how you must feel...must they dont actually give a shit and get on with their day!its just something they say so they try not to sound selfish.
i rarely complain in Rl and just 'get on' with things, so everyone assumes im fine, so dont bother asking.
so he's just had a bit of a wake up call!
see if it done any good!
wow, you thought you rambled
had to get that out though..prob doesnt make much sense as im typing so fast, but you'll get the jist if you havent fell asleep by this part

anyway...thanks for listeningxxx

Sorry to hear about the flat tyre yesterday - what a PAIN!! And as you said, getting a taxi is no longer a simple task (I don't drive so this is a constant worry. Luckily have very helpful family tho!)

Glad to hear that things went well at your SIL's. Know that sunshine does wonders for your mood, and a change of scene is good too (and if you are feeling a bit fragile emotionally, you DON'T need to be round anyone who will wind you up etc!)

Did you have any luck with dd having a nap today? Ds has had 1 afty nap for ages - not a long one, but enough for me to recharge. But 2/3 days in the last week he just hasn't had it. Feel a bit stressed not knowing wether he is having one or not (I'm a bit of a creature of habit I think.....) Know thay have to drop it sometime but I (and you I imagine) was hoping ds would last another few months

Re your dd's happienss rubbing off on you and vice versa. Well, having a child is very hard work, and if you have pnd it's so much more so. Know for the 1st year or so of ds's life I'm sure we had this prob. He'd be grouchy, which would make me cross/angry/tearful (hate myself for this now) and it would snowball. I know that you can't help how you feel and how you react to dd, and it WILL get better.

"wish i was a more confident happier mum." My heart really goes out to you when you said this coz it sounded just like me a few months back. B4 I had ds, I think I was a fairly confident person, BUT the combination of a new baby and pnd just takes it all away. You said you started ad's when your dd was 9mo, but how did you feel before this? Know my pnd came on pretty much from day 1, but know it is very different for others. I feel a lot more happy now, and am working on the confidence, but it IS hard - it can be done though, if you get help etc to feel more yourself.

Anyway, I've rally rambled Really hope you had a good day today (how many good vs bad do you find youre having at the mo?) Do you think you may get in touch with APNI, or try your gp again? Keep posting if it helps, amd hugs, it DOES get better. Just enjoy the good stuff when it happens xx

you too honey
have a good sleep, speak again soon

Hi Evesmama. Just saw your post, but off to bed so will reply properly tomorrow. Had good eve with ds - touch wood he is a very good sleeper (wasn't at 1st!) He is also thinking about dropping his afternoon nap I fear.

Wishing you a good, long nights sleep

hi Etsmum
hope you had a easy night with ds???

we had a lovely day today, although started badley with getting to supermarket only to realise we had a flat tyre!, dp pumped it up, went flat again, so took it home and walked back to shop....problem..dd was with us!!, no car=no car seat for taxi!
luckily, it was really nice here today, so dd and i walked home..took twice as long as she decided to practice her lunges every other step, but it chileed me out from a sleepless night and the fresh air did wonders for me

dp took car to garage and had to shell out fortune on new tyre, but when he got back we went to his sisters and spent all afty there..has been quite strained between us all as she exploded unnessarilly (sp) over christmas, but today was great!
think it was the sunshine
had a really good laugh and dd loved it too

dd didnt have afty sleep AGAIN,
hoped she would have gone on way to SIL but didnt and was too exited when there, but this is 3 days with no afty sleep and last night she woke up at 1-2am ish, just hope she sleeps better tonight! as even when at home, she just wont go for afty nap lately???and shes not getting the extra rest at night??no idea how to help it??

she is a funny and loving little girl but i dont know wether she is really really hardwork at times or its just the way im feeling and how i react to what she does when im feeling like this??dp says we're like ET and Elliot..we'rehappy when one anothers happy, but we also feel each others pain??
wish i was a more confident happier mum, and wish i was the one cheering her up and not the other way round by 'being good'

Hope your weekend is going well too. We've had a nice day just pottering round doing this and that...... Not loking forward to this eve thuogh, as dh is out to the cinema and I'm on putting to bed duty for ds. I'm very lucky that dh normally does it, but by that time of eve I just want to veg. Touch wood ds will be good :-/

How has your dd been - when you oricginally posted you'd had a hard day with her...is she normally pretty easy going, or do you have your hands full?

Let me know how you are getting on when you have the time - thinking of you

thanks ETsmum, youve been a really good help
am off too now(got caught up on earpeircing thread), but cos busy day tomorrow..will look on site tomorrow night
thanks again
have a good weekendxx

Don't laugh (can't do links yet!) but have a look at www.apni.org. Tel 020 7386 0868. From what I remember I filled out a form online and got a letter thru shortly after with details of my "support person." Got an email from her the same day - seemed to be set up really smoothly and quickly for me. Hope this is all the info you need - if not let me know. And good luck if you decide to get in touch with them. About the same time I found APNI I emailed the Samaritains as well (it was a v. low time) and I found the help from APNI much more beneficial as you spoke to someone who had been through the same things etc.

Glad to hear you speant your b'day money on stuff for YOU and glad you sound really happy and chilled at the mo. Off to bed myself soon (dh having "late" night, but can't keep my eyes open.....)

thanks ETsmum

been a bit hit and miss today, but spent my birthday money on perrfume, spa bath stuff, cucumber cleaning wipes, v.expensive (and probably no different to no frills shaving gel!)(for leg and girly bits..i dont have a beard you understand!), just had a long soak, de fuzzed, washed hair and feel really fresh and awake for the first time in over a year!!!, funny how certain things work isnt it!, shame im off to bed soon!

i would apreciate that number if you can get it to me, doc is nice, but dont feel like im getting to the bottom of it with them??

Hi again Evesmama and sorry to see that you were feeling down again today Remember that when I was in the thros of pnd my emaotions were all over the place....really happy, really sad. It waas SO frustrating coz when you feel good, you think you are getting better, then the low hits you extra hard the next day. My ds is just over 20 months so not dissimlar to your dd.

Sounds your having a hard time finding ad's that help you.....I was on citalopram (?sp) and not really sure how much they helped. Have you tried talking to anyone?? May sound daft, but it was the association for post natal illness that really helped me. Got a contact through them who I could email - they do phone and letter contact as well. It was just great to have someone other than dh who I could pour my heart out to, and who didn't judge my terrible thoughts etc. Know face to face counselling isn't for everyone (I hated the thhought of it) but for me APNI really helped. Is your GP good? Remember not thinking much of the help mine offered!

Anyway, thinking of you. It does get better, even if you are having a day whe it feels like it won't, it will eventually. Hope tomorrow is good.

(Did I make any sense?? )

thanks girls
back down a bit today?, feels like im on a rollacoaster??

Message withdrawn

Happy belated birthday Evesmama