this is a bit long but i want to give as much context as possible so i can get some advice! thanks if you read.
i (24f) have been diagnosed with bpd and am currently on venlafaxine (i have been on and off anti-psychotics and anti-depressants for a decade or so) and noticed a change in my depression but my delusions and paranoia and extreme mood swings have stayed. they are in line with my menstrual cycle, the week before my period i have increased paranoia and fear. for example, i had a really bad episode of splitting recently, i left a holiday early and believed everyone was out to get me and i was in a very low place.
it was like a black out, i had no control over my emotions and i didn’t feel like i was in a sound headspace. it very short and intense and i acted in ways i could never imagine for myself but i have tried to become as reflective and self actualising as possible. i am recently medicated (venlafaxine 150mg) and have found a renewed energy for life and centred headspace. i think its because of the medication that i am able to truly get into the nitty gritty of my actions.
i got diagnosed with BPD (EUPD in the UK) at 18, after being referred from CAHMS (adolescent mental health service) i finally accessed DBT at 23, which helped me greatly but ultimately came about 3 years too late. i had already burned more bridges than i could bare to look at, and i was making positive steps forward which meant DBT was more part of the process of healing than it was a treatment to the issues i had had.
i have always struggled with self-worth issues, rocky and intense relationships, as well as a total inability to keep people around me. i have grown a lot and become someone i am beginning to be proud of, but my bouts of extreme emotional instability have been worrying me and destroying my relationships. it is like i am a passenger in my own body sometimes and i spend the rest of my time alive in the shame of what i do when im not in control. i suppose that is why i am reaching out this way, in the hopes that someone else understands and i don’t feel like i am broken beyond repair.
i get very paranoid, think everyone hates me and drive myself insane over every single interaction with everyone , like if they don’t reply then they must hate me, what can i do to make them love me again, everyone around me is evil and out to get me. as a teen, this was my 24/7 headspace and i have fought hard to stabilise myself and make sure i am able to keep myself safe at all times.
i am starting to want to explore my options regarding some sort of connection between my physical body and my mental state. i have anxiety, low blood pressure and hand numbness so i would like my thyroid checked. i would like my hormone levels checked also, as it could be PCOS. i have short, irregular periods and have had acne since aged 8 (years before my period).if its not a hormonal issue then i think i have PMDD and want to move forward with treatment for that. i just want to explore the options. i think my bpd and severe depression are symptomatic of these severe episodes of mental instability before my period. i was able to cope better with the melt down i had because of the venlafaxine, which has been good as it’s helped me to explore the reasons behind my melt downs/mood swings. i just have a sinking feeling that it’s related to my hormones but i don’t want to get my hopes up or have it not be taken seriously by the doctor.
has anyone experienced anything similar in symptoms and had a positive result? or if it makes anyone feel less alone in their mental health journey.