My friend is stuck going round and round in intolerable circles

Work that also provides accomodation might be a good solution. This could include hotels/hostels, hospitality, or being a Live in Carer. Its a way of leaving home for a bit to see if it works out for her. It also might be a big step, but what about going abroad, perhaps further study or teaching English.

If she went away for uni and got a graduate job she clearly was capable at some point.

i’d be concerned about what happened at the job - and it may well have been that a traumatic event happened to her and she left rather than deal with it (eg sexual assault, etc),

I have a dd with MH issues who lives at home with me. She did go away to uni but came back after a very nasty break up and had to resit her third year.

i’m trying to gently encourage her to move out (my mum has offered to buy a flat) or get at least a part time job but it is very very hard.

we don’t row very often but I do cry in my bedroom a lot.

'She pleads by crying down the phone, telling me she is desperate, doesn’t know what to do and needs help. She will text me “please help me, I can’t cope”.'

What is it she wants from you in these situations? Listening to her vent? Practical help? Something different?

It's really good advice to ask yourself what you are getting out of this friendship and it seems you've been able to answer that question pretty quickly. It's not an equal adult relationship, but a substitute child situation. So you're getting something out of it emotionally right now, but how long will that continue to work for you?

A poster up thread mentioned enmeshment, and I think that's a useful point to be aware of. This young woman is clearly extremely intense and needy. Only you know how much of that you can cope with

She is already using you as a permanent emotional support. I don't mean she is doing so maliciously. From experience, that can become overwhelming.

Have you previously made any suggestions to her about managing her life? If so, how did she take them?
Some people want to vent endlessly but will not act on sensible practical advice if it means contacting places or attending new appointments.

The problem here is shes stuck with her family and can’t find a way out and so instead of just trying it on her own, she’s now outsourcing the problem to YOU and so is remaining stuck in a cycle or learned and voluntary incompetence. She’s scared of failing so wants you to be her extended parent. This is grossly unfair and you should absolutely NOT step in. Drop the rope and tell her that real and meaningful change needs to come from her and her Alone.

I’m also bipolar, have cptsd from childhood sexual abuse and DV/rape as an adult. I stand on my own perfectly well despite having wobbles etc and occasional mess ups. But it took a LONG time to learn that I was blaming everybody in my life for the way I was…. If only X hasn’t done that, then I wouldn’t be doing Y. Simple reality is that my addictions and choices were as a result of me not dealing with the situation and burying it etc. i wasn’t addicted to coke because I was abused by Steve, he didn’t make me shove cocaine up my nose. It was a very poor maladaptive coping mechanism and the only person responsible for that voice in my head telling r to do it was ME. Until you can start taking personal responsibility for your own choices and actions, you can’t even begin to get to terms with this sort of problem. You will be pouring yourself into a bottomless well.

Another decade of time passing is not going to make it any easier to get work; and I think work could do her a great deal of good. It sounds like she retreats into herself at any difficulty, and I can sympathise with that, but it's a self-destructive habit.

I think that there's probably very little you could do in reality and practical terms to provide her the nondescript help that she needs, if she's not been able to identify it for herself, and find it, if it is out there.

You've known her a year. Friendship like any healthy relationship is a two way reciprocal street. Yes you could devote time to walking with her and using you as a venting outlet, but gently, what are you getting out of this "friendship"? I'd suggest examining that if you can, what is it about this connection that you have made that makes you feel compelled to "do something"? What do you feel would happen if you do not?

Hi OP, I've been in a very similar position with friends in the past and wanted to share some thoughts.

I've helped friends who were extremely unhappy and stuck in a similar way to your friend and when I agreed to help them I have found it often went one of two ways:

1. They became extremely dependent on me and as soon as I tried to reduce support (because they no longer needed it, or because of feeling burnt out on my end) they would become incredibly angry
2. As things improved/changed for them they became overwhelmed and quickly regressed, refusing to make any changes and becoming angry with me as they see me as the source of their discomfort

I'm not saying don't help but this person is in her third decade of not being able/willing to make the changes necessary in her life. If she's not able then the only person who can help with that is a mental health professional as a starting point. If not willing then it will almost certainly backfire on you. A 30-odd year comfort zone is a hard thing to escape.

My advice is to support but not lead, most of the work should be coming from your friend. I'd encourage her to make the phone calls necessary, speak to her GP etc. If most of the effort is being put in by you that is not sustainable and will likely go one of the ways I outlined above.

Good luck! I really hope your friend is able to make the necessary steps to live a full and happy life.

I would avoid enmeshing yourself here. When you say she pleads for help from you, what exactly is it that she is asking of you?

You say she had a graduate job, did she go away to uni?

Is she claiming all she is entitled to benefits wise? If not you could help her with forms etc for that.

She needs to have some form of personal income. Ask her truthfully if she wants to get out of the house because of the abuse. And to be more independent. Then tell her you'll support her if she needs to go to the council or an abuse charity, or Shelter or Crisis for help. Or even the police if necessary.

It could be that she is saying these things but in reality she's too set in her ways to ever be able to fly the nest. That the household situation could be unpleasant but not abusive enough for action to be taken? Or she's just not strong enough to make the leap.

Making her leave home isn't something you can't force on her. Even if you know her life is limited by it.

Are her mental health issues exacerbated by living at home or are the problems at home caused by her mental health issues?

Did you know her before she lost her confidence?

Could you, with her consent, speak to social services to see if there is any support for her under adult social care. Or maybe they could point you in the direction of any charities who could help.
You could go to the GP with her and see if something like a referral to occupational health would be suitable? It also doesn’t sound like her mental health is being managed very well and she may need some medication adjustment or additional support there.
There may also be mental health drop in services like Mind locally to you that you could go to together.

But they make no effort to support her independence.

Maybe supporting her in the sense of providing her food and a home in her thirties is enough of a strain on them already.

It's very hard living with someone with mental health issues, no matter how much you care for them.

Go with her to citizens advice

You can support her help with paperwork, help with making appointments help with writing job applications, help her with viewing properties. Inviting her round for tea or go out with her to get her out the house buts she got to want the help. Never help someone more then they are willing to help themselves