Care job affecting my mental health and I feel overworked

PackHamFan · 2026-07-15T17:05:08+00:00

My job is really beginning to affect my mental health. I work in care and there were some things and conditions before that I wasn't entirely happy with before but I continued on and focused on the positives. This week has just been unreal. I don't know if it's the heatwave or what not. The lady I work for is worse than ever before just shouting orders at me. If she had half of a chance she would likely piss down my back or into my face. Ok, she wouldn't but she is worse now this week than ever before. Breaks even for water during this heatwave is limited. Bi am just expected to keep on going and going and going and work late while she eats at barbeques. The sun is now beginning to make me sick too with migraines and I am in work hosesnyk ready to have a mental health breakdown and I am just not feeling well. The demands just keep going and going and going. To make it worse I am supposed to provide a live in stint for this weekend too for a full week without even a day off and I realize now that the person I am working for just doesn't respect me as a person or worker. There's no way I am being painful appropriately to give up my live to work weeks on end like this.

Pippin2017 · 24/07/2026 07:47

OP it doesn't sound as if you've actually spoken to the family about the situation.

Tell them you will not be doing more than your contracted hours as you are exhausted and legally need time off.

Or just leave. You can do that. Take some ownership of the situation. You continue to complain but don't seem to want to do the very simple thing that would sort the issue, which is leave. Do it today.

Soontobe60 · 24/07/2026 07:39

Just write out your letter of resignation, give them 1 months notice and then leave. It’s as simple as that.

FusionChefGeoff · 24/07/2026 07:32

Just say No!!!! They do not own you and you are working well beyond your contract.

Why can’t you sit them down and discuss the expectations?

You hold ALL the power here as they will be fucked if you leave.

When they give you the schedule and there are no days off you need to speak up.

“I’m afraid I can’t do this. I need a day off / 2 days off so would Saturday or Sunday be better?”

”I can’t do another live in so soon - I could do one starting Weds next week would that work”

”We need to discuss my contract as I am doing far beyond what I signed for and I’m considering giving notice unless we can agree something”

UbiquitousPistachio · 22/07/2026 23:27

I am seeing this from the other side, as an employer, and I don’t understand your position at all.

We have had carers doing live in continuously for weeks and weeks, we have asked all sorts of things of our carers - sometimes they say yes and sometimes they say no.

sometimes we are let down at the last minute and have to scramble around for cover, sometimes carers decide it’s not for them and leave after their first placement. We have also removed carers that we weren’t happy with.

But in all of these situations it’s about 2 way communication and I don’t understand why you aren’t discussing breaks, time off and working patterns with the family. They can ask anything of you but it’s up to you to agree or refuse.

You keep ignoring the question about pay - are they paying you correctly and dealing with HMRC for you?

Jellycatspyjamas · 22/07/2026 20:26

Yes it’s a really shitty situation but you seem to expect them to do the right thing when they have no incentive to do so.

They may have expectations but what happens when you just say “I’m not doing that”. Even in a live in situation you’re entitled to breaks - so explain that for X hours you will be on your break and their relative will be left unattended so they need to make arrangements. They also need to pay you properly.

You’re not a hostage there, tell them you are unwell, you are going home at X time and they need to arrange alternative care. They are so out of order bit if you don’t change anything, nothing will change because why would they need to change when you’ll keep going, unpaid, until you break.

Coralsunset · 22/07/2026 20:17

You have posted about this situation before haven’t you? The advice you have been repeatedly given is to go sick and leave the family to make emergency arrangements. I would just message saying you are going home sick so they have to arrange emergency cover.

Then start applying for other jobs. You can self certify for the first week off and then you see GP to get signed off after that.

You don’t need to keep explaining how shitty they are. We get it. But you either put up with it or you leave. I really hope you do leave today. You deserve better.

Original poster

PackHamFan · 22/07/2026 20:10

UbiquitousPistachio · 22/07/2026 19:48

It is admirable of you to stay on and make sure your client is ok. You shouldn’t be left in that position. But why aren’t you then speaking to the family and saying you won’t do that again? How many times has this happened?

You have described occasions when they inform you that plans have changed for future weeks, for example requiring you to do live-in work - that is your opportunity to say no, I do not agree to that.

Are they paying you officially and sorting out tax etc correctly?

Show quote history

I think part of the difficulty is that I agreed to this current live-in week because I genuinely believed I would get some recovery time afterwards. A few weeks ago it was indicated that the week after their holiday would be much quieter and I took that to mean I would get at least some time off. That is what was implied to me at the time.

What has upset me is that while I'm still in the middle of this live-in stint, I've now been told next week. None of that was discussed with me beforehand. It was presented as a reminder, but I don't remember ever agreeing to it.

I appreciate that people will say I should simply refuse, but this isn't a new job where I started last month. I've been involved with this family for many years and the expectations have gradually increased over time. My experience has been that when I try to set boundaries, it doesn't go down well.

The issue for me isn't that they want more time away for their social and recreational life, It's that I am in the middle of completing, an intensive live-in period and there seems to be no discussion at all about when I get a proper break. There expectations if for me to work from the 19th of July right up until the 1st or 2nd of July without a day off. I never signed up for that. Right now this situation has turned into an entitlement from them if I give an inch they will take a mile but not only that it's showing a huge disrespect towards me as a person, worker and carer. It leave me in a bad situation too. Do I keep pushing now when I know I am likely reaching breaking point and burn out, do I try and set boundaries or will I take sick leave and just leave them to it. It should be have to be like this. Any reasonable employer would respect employment law on hours and days. I see greed and selfishness where the only thing they care about is themselves. I feel bad for their disabled family person.

OP posts:

Parky04 · 22/07/2026 19:58

So much complaining when the solution is ever so simple!

UbiquitousPistachio · 22/07/2026 19:48

PackHamFan · 22/07/2026 18:18

People seem to think that this is something I can just stop when a certain hour comes and I get to walk out and that's not the case. I am often left with situations where they just won't come home to take over.

It is admirable of you to stay on and make sure your client is ok. You shouldn’t be left in that position. But why aren’t you then speaking to the family and saying you won’t do that again? How many times has this happened?

You have described occasions when they inform you that plans have changed for future weeks, for example requiring you to do live-in work - that is your opportunity to say no, I do not agree to that.

Are they paying you officially and sorting out tax etc correctly?

hahabahbag · 22/07/2026 18:31

Give them a months notice or whatever your contract says, meanwhile apply for jobs, you won’t have a problem getting a better job

hahabahbag · 22/07/2026 18:29

Just quit, there are many care workers needed with clients who will respect you, give set shifts and pay better I suspect. My dsd has 24/7 care and I don’t recognise anything you write, her team have set hours, work in a team and have proper working conditions via an agency. I also have friends who own an agency who aren’t anything like you described

Original poster

PackHamFan · 22/07/2026 18:18

People seem to think that this is something I can just stop when a certain hour comes and I get to walk out and that's not the case. I am often left with situations where they just won't come home to take over.

OP posts:

Bakeittillyoumakeit · 22/07/2026 17:59

I don't understand why you've been working many more hours than you're being paid for? Why aren't they paying you overtime? Why do you keep doing it? I don't understand at all.

NoisyMonster678 · 22/07/2026 17:31

OP, speak to the care company and tell them you need breaks, how do they expect you yo go all day without food and water,?

That is inhumane, there is a chance the service user is taking advantage but the organisation you work for need to stick to health & Safety regulations and what you described is very very dodgy.

Speak to a manager of the care company or local authority (council) soon, they are there to support you as a carer as well as the service user.

Jellycatspyjamas · 22/07/2026 17:19

UbiquitousPistachio · 22/07/2026 16:35

I assume you have a contract and are being paid via payroll and it’s all above board with HMRC etc in which case you are of course protected by employment law.

You appear to be doing a role very different to what you were employed to do so you need to raise this with them.

You say you have built up a personal relationship with these people so I hope you can see it would be awful to just ghost them. Even if you give them just a week’s notice that will give them time to replace you.

As a family they are entitled to lead their own lives and if they don’t want to do caring that’s fine. That’s why they are paying you. If you don’t want to do the job that is also fine.

But they aren’t paying her for the hours she works, very likely taking her under NMW. She didn’t sign up to a live in role - so yes if the family don’t want to care that’s their choice, but they do need to pay properly for the care and follow employment law.

I’d go back to what you’re contracted to do, explain that the arrangement has drifted and your T&Cs haven’t kept up. That they will need to make other arrangements outside of the 40 hours you’re contracted for. No overnights or live in arrangements. Put it in writing to them along with your hours each week for the past month. They can either pay you the hours they owe or you’ll take it a time off in lieu and they can fill the gaps in care. Stop treating their requests like law, tell them no. They aren’t paying you so you’re under no obligation.

Coralsunset · 22/07/2026 17:14

I would just get signed off sick and apply for other jobs. Give them notice whilst off sick.

UbiquitousPistachio · 22/07/2026 16:37

Just to add - we have used privately employed carers in the past as well and haven’t always had live-in carers.

Every week is planned and discussed and of course we have to agree all changes to days and hours - the carers don’t always agree to what we ask if it isn’t convenient.

UbiquitousPistachio · 22/07/2026 16:35

I assume you have a contract and are being paid via payroll and it’s all above board with HMRC etc in which case you are of course protected by employment law.

You appear to be doing a role very different to what you were employed to do so you need to raise this with them.

You say you have built up a personal relationship with these people so I hope you can see it would be awful to just ghost them. Even if you give them just a week’s notice that will give them time to replace you.

As a family they are entitled to lead their own lives and if they don’t want to do caring that’s fine. That’s why they are paying you. If you don’t want to do the job that is also fine.

Original poster

PackHamFan · 22/07/2026 16:24

I think there is a misunderstanding of my situation. I did not take on a formal live-in carer role. My original arrangement did not include live-in care, but over many years more and more has gradually been expected of me.

I was only booked for this current week as a live-in stint. I was led to believe that the following week would give me some time off, but that has now completely changed. I have just been informed of another live-in/overnight arrangement, and I am struggling because I feel there is no proper recovery time between these periods.

I understand that live-in care can be demanding. My point is that this is different from an agency arrangement where there would likely be clearer structures, contracts, schedules, support, and a more formal approach to hours and time off.

My difficulty is that I feel I am carrying the responsibility and expectations of a live-in carer without the same level of structure or protections. I am finding it very difficult to work weeks on end without a clear end point or proper time away from caring responsibilities.

Another part of my frustration is that these extra commitments are not because of an emergency or unavoidable situation. They are often to facilitate the family's social plans, holidays, weddings and other events, and I feel my own need for rest is not being considered.
I know I have the option to leave, but after many years and a personal relationship with the family, it is not as simple emotionally as walking away from a normal job.

I am also torn about how I will step away from this position. Do I give them a notice? I don't think I can stomach it working until September and being worked into the ground. Or do I just go home the next time they give me an evening off and just not go back in or do I go to my GP and tell my GP this very desperate situation and get signed off from work. I also know that because it's domestic work, we are still entitled to employment law. The family I help they are two professionals and they would know this but they are flaunting it.

OP posts:

UbiquitousPistachio · 22/07/2026 15:22

I don’t really understand why you keep complaining and don’t leave? It’s a private family and private arrangement so just walk away.

We have live in carers 24/7 through an agency and some of what you describe is actually standard practice. They work 8am to midnight with 2 hours break, it’s relentless and exhausting and they usually are here several weeks before a handover. That’s the reality of live in care. Some carers leave after a few months because it’s too much, others have been doing it for years and work out a pattern of working hours that suit them.

We treat our carers with respect and they become like one of the family, and the agency makes sure they are ok. By setting up your job privately you have no such protection but you are free to leave.

Original poster

PackHamFan · 22/07/2026 14:15

I never ever want to work in care ever again.

OP posts:

Original poster

PackHamFan · 22/07/2026 14:14

Jellycatspyjamas · 22/07/2026 12:59

What hours are you contracted for? Are they paying for a live in service, if not tell them you can’t do it. Good care workers are hard to find - you’d easily find something with more structure if that’s what you need. The working conditions sound impossible but if you’re agreeing to do it then I’m not sure there’s a fix. If you don’t want to do live in, can only do X number of hours, aren’t being paid fully for your work you need to communicate this to them and stop doing it.

My original contract was for 8am to 6pm but somewhere along the way all of that changed without any new contract. My original days were Monday to Friday but also in the contract was I would be expected to do more from time to time. I never realized that the last line could have been exploited. I expected maybe a Saturday night babysitting here or there. I never realized that they would expect me to work day and night, night and day.

I don't work for an agency. It's a private capacity care work for a private residence/family.

Live in work was never mentioned in my contract.

At first I didn't mind doing little extras here and there but over time something changed. It's hard to explain. It's nearly as if they are entitled and they expect me to do extras.

They got an external company to pay them a grant every month to help pay for care so I get the same income whether I work 40 hours or 90 hours. I swear to god.

My issue is that I went into work last week on Monday the 13th and I was scheduled for the weekend after that for a full week live in. They I was hardly allowed a day off before that but I took a day off. I am now just after getting the schedule for next week and I feel physically sick. These people are expecting me to work day and night night and day for weeks. I didn't even reply to their message. They can come home and tell me to my face.

How do I walk out from this position? After years of working for them I think there is somewhat of a relationship or friendship or connection but fuck me now. This.....

Any other job and I would be allowed time off.

They will not spend one evening with their disabled person. I am heartbroken for the person. How can a family hate their person so much. They feel entitled to respite but they do fuck all with their person and dump it all on me. Where's my respite?

OP posts:

Jellycatspyjamas · 22/07/2026 12:59

What hours are you contracted for? Are they paying for a live in service, if not tell them you can’t do it. Good care workers are hard to find - you’d easily find something with more structure if that’s what you need. The working conditions sound impossible but if you’re agreeing to do it then I’m not sure there’s a fix. If you don’t want to do live in, can only do X number of hours, aren’t being paid fully for your work you need to communicate this to them and stop doing it.

Coralsunset · 22/07/2026 12:50

Seriously, just go to GP and get signed off. Do you get paid sick pay?

Shinyandnew1 · 22/07/2026 12:42

PackHamFan · 22/07/2026 12:37

I wr. te the OP last week. I was feeling overwhelmed because I was working later than usual when I knew there was a live in stint approaching too. All I saw on the cards was one day off before that. I know in any other job, it's 2 days off a week.

Anyways I took a sick day last week because it felt like I really needed it. Just to get stuff done at home before moving into another person's home for the week.

The live in stint is from Sunday to Sunday.

I made a huge mistake of going into work and continuing with what was scheduled.

This week, it is ok. There is some breaks or respite for a few hours here and there.

I was led to believe that I would get time off next week because the family said they are not working next week but it seems as if that was a lie. I was just informed of next week's schedule and it's no fucking day off at all. Not even one day. There's one evening off. The family have plans and they want me to provide another live in stint for next week. But next weeks stint would likely be with less respite and more work for me. They never asked me either. It's just a given and a take from them. Notice how their only priority is going out more and more and not treating me as worker humanely. They will not spend one evening with their disabled family member but the person but the person is not bad. Has their moments but can be so good and sweet too.

I never signed up to work like this. Any other job and 2 days off a week would be given and protected by law.

I never had to go to my doctor and get signed off before but I am really approaching that place now. Just to give me space and breathing room so that I can look for other work. Would I have to tell my gp everything that's happening and ask to get signed off.

You can. Or you could just leave.