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Original poster

Coping strategies for dealing with intrusive thoughts about my husband during our separation years ago?

10 replies

BiffyHeyro · 04/07/2026 10:36

Hear me out, he is not the bad guy!

Have posted this in MH and not relationships as it is related to my poor mental health. Not DHs behaviour or anything that needs fixing olin our relationship.

With DH since 16 years old. Love him so much. He is amazing.
I suffer from mental health issues including OCD and my mind gets stuck on things. (Relevant)

Over ten years ago (!!) I had somewhat of a mental breakdown, probably triggered by a midlife crisis and a significant loss.

I told DH that I wanted to separate. (There was no one else) I had just been with him since 16 and was genuinely not well at the time and pushed him away. I felt like I had missed out on something (those sexually promiscuous years some people have when young I guess and we settled down very young and I never experienced that 'going out' culture by choice, I was very happy at the time)

So we separated on my word and I did not see any other men, I never really had any interest in anyone but him but I did sleep with 2 women a few times who were new friends but it was not a relationship or anything.

So I was miserable and he was miserable and we ended up getting back together.

And its been about 8 years! But lately my OCD has grabbed onto me thinking about the women he slept with whilst we were separated.

I know that:
-I initiated the separation
-He had every right to persue sexual relationships
-He did absolutely nothing wrong

  • I made the bed myself!

But the thing is that during that time apart we remained absolutely best friends and he was always at my house and we still did things together.
So one morning I was passing by his ground floor flat (on foot) and he said the previous day he hadn't been feeling well so I got him some OJ and paracetamol from the shops and knocked on to give it him. There was no answer and because I knew he was home and had felt ill I stupidly looked through the window and saw him having sex with a woman.

He hadn't told me he was seeing anyone (absolutely his right not to, but I'm just saying that because if I had known he might have someone round that I probably wouldn't have knocked on unexpectedly!)

Again I am not framing this against DH in any way but it is very difficult to see your husband like that, in the flesh, so to speak, even if separated.

The women he saw were just casual hook ups and we both missed each other a lot and we ended up getting back together.

So it's been 8 years since we got back together, probably 10 years since that incident and we moved on in every way and have been so happy but the last few months I keep seeing that image of him with the woman.
(In fairness it was as tame as it could get. They both were fully clothed but his hand placements etc, it just triggers me when we are in that position and he places his hands on my waist)
And not just that but thinking of the other things he did / wondering what these other women looked like/ if he liked their bodies more than mine etc...

I think it feels worse because for 15 years we had only slept with each other, there wasn't the normal situation of 'those who came before' and I ruined it by doing all that. If I hadn't made a stupid, selfish decision I wouldn't be feeling this.

And NON of this is on DH. He ravishes me daily. Tells me he loves me multiple times a day.

He has never shown insecurity about the people I slept with though I suspect it is different for him as I slept with women and so he is still the only man I have ever had any sexual contact with.

This is all me and my mental health issues.

I know that in a few months my OCD/intrusive thoughts focus will be on something else (usually something death or health anxiety related) but im really struggling with this at the moment.

I am actually having talking therapy right now but haven't brought this up because I have a lot of other things I have been processing and its quite embarrassing.

I did make a comment to him a few weeks ago because for some crazy reason FB decided to ask me if I wanted to be friends with one of the women he saw!! I don't know if she had been looking at my profile (doubtful after 10 years!) Or what went on there but seeing her name/profile pic did make me spiral and DH was quite upset and said 'fgs this was 10 years ago. Weve moved passed all that and are happy'

Which I know but anyone with OCD knows that intrustive thought are out of our control so I am trying to deal with this particular trigger alone because it causes a lot of stress.

I am supposed to be starting OCD/CBT therapy after my talking therapy ends but does anyone have any advice or copibg strategies for moving on from intrustive thoughs, even if it means latching onto something else worse, I just don't know why this is a thing now, after all this time and I just want to put it behind me

OP posts:
JoyousOpalLemur · 04/07/2026 10:42

Sorry, got no advice, but he sounds like a nice guy and I hope you can get over this

Original poster
BiffyHeyro · 04/07/2026 11:00

JoyousOpalLemur · 04/07/2026 10:42

Sorry, got no advice, but he sounds like a nice guy and I hope you can get over this

He is genuinely WONDERFUL. And its so frustrating as this hasn't been on my radar for years. And the rational side of my brain understands the reality of it and I do understand that it shouldnt be an issue but the Intrustive thoughts side has just grabbed this thing by the horns out of nowhere and keeps showing me images of him with other women etc

OP posts:
Lizzbear · 04/07/2026 12:19

Following. Will post properly later. ERP is best for oCD. Basically you don’t ask for reassurance. I’ll come back to explain more later!

Original poster
BiffyHeyro · 04/07/2026 12:25

Thankyou!

I was actually only diagnosed this year, though known I had OCD for years and have history of very obvious symptoms going back decades which where diagnosed as 'general anxiety'.

OP posts:
PetulaGordeno · 04/07/2026 12:44

I find it interesting that you slept with two women and you brush it off as almost insignificant.
Imagine if you’d found your husband in bed with another man?
It sounds like more than OCD it could have been sparked by trauma? Because you are clearly looking for security and at the moment your thoughts are working against you.
Stop building your husband up into being a super human who wants to racist you daily, who has done no wrong. He’s a human being. You are going to drive yourself mad thinking you are not worthy in some way.
You are very lucky your relationship has survived this far.
I have had similar intrusive thoughts and nearly drove my other half away.
With me I was diagnosed with CPTSD.
Most of these things go right back to your childhood. I had a seemingly normal childhood but my parents constantly sniped at each other and I was very watchful, constantly trying to smooth things over between them. I was still doing it as an adult.
Hopefully with time and help your symptoms will ease.
When you can try and bring yourself back to the present. When the thoughts start find something practical to do - it can be something mundane like clearing out a drawer.
It must be very upsetting for you but remember your husband chose you again even after you’d left him. He clearly loves you.
Very few people settle down with their teenage sweetheart. We all have to deal with exes and sadly you saw something that was really unfortunate.

Original poster
BiffyHeyro · 04/07/2026 13:08

No I'm not minimising me sleeping with 2 women but he has said that it doesn't bother him. But i think it would have if it was a man. Not in everyones situation would be the same and that isn't be generalising that sex with a woman isn't as much as a betrayal as with a man but when we talked about stuff early on after getting back together he said that sleeping with a woman isnt a big deal to him.
But sociatally (right or wrong) lots of men fantasise about their wives sleeping with a another woman and want threesomes with another woman wheras I dont think many women do that about their husbands with men.

I honestly was not downplaying my own sexual activities but I just know that it didn't affect him in the same way because he told me himself.

And im not putting him on a pedestal, of course he isnt perfect but in THIS situation he didnt do anything wrong and it should be in the past.
Yes I have CPTSD from childhood trauma.m

OP posts:
PetulaGordeno · 04/07/2026 14:21

In all of that, the last sentence was the most important piece of information. That’s what you can work with which will really help you.
The fact that you know means you can get help with it.
I did and it changed my life.

Original poster
BiffyHeyro · 04/07/2026 18:09

I know its CPTSD and I have asked my GP to help me get a referal and diagnosis but they said they are 'moving away' from diagnosing it now. Whatever that means.

I also asked my therapist (NHS) if she can help me in a pathway to referal but her supervisor said youbreally need to go through the GP.

My only real option is a private diagnosis but its so expensive and I don't know if I could get NHS help/tailored therapy with a private diagnosis.

OP posts:
PetulaGordeno · 04/07/2026 19:13

That must be really frustrating. I was diagnosed by a psychologist had some trauma therapy sessions via the NHS.
Dipped into my life savings to pay for EMDR privately but I’m glad I did it’s been the best thing I’ve ever done.
No idea why an NHS therapist would send you back to your GP? But it’s not very joined up at the moment and I’m so sorry you’re not getting more targeted help.

Lizzbear · 05/07/2026 12:48

Hi op
As I was saying, the intrusive thoughts about the past can be ocd and ERP therapy is the gold standard for treatment.
You might have to find a private pyschotherapist for this.
i would like this therapy but am currently trying to deal with getting assessed for ADHD!

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