Husbands food issues - I need help

I wouldn’t waste my breath discussing with him. Cook what you and the children like and if he doesn’t want it then he can cook for himself. It that means he eat as frozen pizza everyday then that’s up to him.

I appreciate you want to help him but it sounds as if you’ve really tried and he just puts barriers up. I’m a big believer in us all being responsible for ourselves. There’s so much info out there, it’s easy to find and educate yourself, he just sounds bloody minded and awkward. I can’t stand people who don’t try and help themselves.

Stop pandering to a man who believes you are not good enough for him.

Let him

let him find his own food
let him complain - ignore it
Let him be miserable
not your problem if he won’t help himself

and don’t be a people please that’s a choice and just describes being a martyr which is annoying .

As others have already said, stop cooking for him and let him get on with it.

It makes me feel uncomfortable to just read it, so living in this atmosphere with these unattainable expectations and shifting goalposts sounds abusive. It smacks of controlling to me, keeping you on edge and trying to please, dismissing your efforts and acting helpless.

This self-diagnosed nonsense I wouldn't be putting up with. Just a stick to metaphorically beat you with.

It sounds like you've had enough. It must be hard for you and the kids to live with this. It would be a major turn-off for me. He sounds like another child.

If you can afford this, get him to sort himself out with a gusto or similar weekly box. He chooses what he wants (many many options are highlighted as healthy) and makes it. Even for x2 meals a week this would 1) give him full control of choice 2) he cooks for you as well. This wd cost about £34 a week for two meal for two people. The rest of the time the rule is he eats what is made for the family and makes no comment about its healthyness or not.

WTH?! Honestly, this has made my blood boil. How dare he make you tie yourself in knots to try to solve a problem he can neither articulate nor contribute to solving? His irrationality around food is out of control. You cannot help him. You are not equipped to deal with his mental health issues. The toughest of love applies here - he caters for himself until he can get his act together - with professional help if necessary.

What a thoroughly nasty man. How dare he question any meal you have been kind enough to make? Rude, horrible, and very possibly abusive since you say the whole house tiptoes around him. You are asking the wrong question. Divorce.

I agree with a poster above.

“Sorry - you need to treat him like you would a child - this is what I m making. You eat or you don’t. ”

You cook food, if he doesn't like it, he sorts himself out. if it’s frozen pizza, so be it. If he doesn’t like it, it’s his responsibility to come up with ideas of what he wants to eat.

This is a classic case of you can’t change his behaviour and it sounds like he doesn’t want to change his behaviour. You can only change the way you react to it. I would recommend counselling for you but that’s the only thing in your control here.

De-bunk the myths/nonsense that he is spouting. The fishes he is dismissing are meals. Would a plate like the one attached help?

is he a meat and potatoes traditionalist? What his family eat growing up. If so meat, veg and potatoes - swap with some fish options to reduce meat in take. I wouldn’t listen to his food complaints. Cater for you and the DC. Let him sulk
nutritionsource.hsph.harvard.edu/healthy-eating-plate/

I agree with what so many others have said.

My diagnosis:
He is miserable and stressed so he wants you to be miserable and stressed too. He is more comfortable when your mood matches his.
He has devised this impossible task of creating a bonkers meal every night to stress you out.

You are a people pleaser and that is why he chose you.

My suggestion:
Stop trying to please him. You can't. Tell him that you are resigning from the game. It's over. From now on you are just going to cook a normal balanced family meal every night. (Eg spag bol and salad). If he doesn't want to eat it, you will freeze his portion for someone else to eat another day. He can make himself a cheese sandwich or go out and buy a ready meal.

Then stick to your guns.
If he whinges and moans tell him the marriage will be over if he carries on stressing you out over the family meal which should be a relaxing catch up time for you and the kids. Who does he think he is?

How is spag bol “not a meal”? What exactly is his definition of a meal?

To say your chicken dish is just chicken and a sauce and some veg, well, yes. What is he saying is wrong with that? He has successfully described a vast array of meals. Pretty much everything I cook could be summarised as some meat, some veg and a sauce.

But, I suspect that nothing you can cook will satisfy his requirements, and you are exhausting yourself trying. He’s going to have to sort himself out, and you’re going to have to be strong, and let him.

"He acknowledges that he can’t come up with ideas but hasn’t done anything to address this. "

You can't fix it OP, especially if he's not doing anything.

Focus on kids. He's an adult.

You do know that it's not your job to feed him, he's not a child.

Make what you want to eat and feel like cooking. Tell him, I'm making X, do you want some? If he eats it, fine. If not, have it for lunch the next day and he eats, or not, it's not up to you to care or feel guilty about.

I just wouldn't give this any headspace because it sounds like he's impossible to please and you'll just tie yourself in knots trying to do so. And he could well be doing this deliberately so being abusive, so be mindful of this.

Why do women feel guilty about everything? I never do.
He's a grown man and is responsible for his own food. If he doesnt want to eat what you've cooked he can sort himself out. End of.
Eat 20 pizzas a day for all anyone cares.
Id just make my own food and let him get on with it.

We have a lot of ND / food issues in our house.

As PP have said: have a convo with him and tell him he needs to buy and cook his own food from now on. You cook for you and your DC; if it is something he wants he can have some (and you save the extra portion if he doesn't want it and have it for lunch the next day you'll figure out quite quickly what he wants to do). You CANNOT deal with all his issues and continue to feed yourself and your kiddos that's hard enough without this BS on top of it.

My H doesn't eat the same food as us I stopped cooking for him a while ago. He now eats ready meals sometimes at the same time as us, sometimes at a different time. It's taken the heat and stress out of mealtimes completely. Happily we can afford to do that, which helps.

The only person who can change his behaviour or his thinking on this is him, and not you. Good luck OP x

I would stop cooking for him also. But second to that, I would tell him that he is to make no more negative comments on the food you do make him. If he starts, I’d simply ignore, walk away. Do not give him any air time.

DH became vegan a few years back and he said 'you don't have to cook for me'. He does not like cooking, does not enjoy it so he makes himself salads almost every day. Occasionally branching out to hummus and breads. I cook for me and the DCs and we eat at different times. It's never really been an issue. So I'd say let him make his frozen pizzas if he wants to. You crack on with what you need to do with the DCs. If it's really about a desire to eat healthily then he'll soon figure it out. If he's just being a controlling arsehole then you will soon figgure that out.

Let him have his frozen pizzas then. You can't win in this situation. He's not a child, leave him to it.

His behaviour and treatment of you and the DC (controlling about food, moods etc) is affecting the whole family.

It’s a big problem if he’s not acknowledging his MH issues and doing what he can about it.

just plan & cook what works for you and the DC. DH doesn’t like it, he can organise, cook and eat something else.

You say ‘we’ cook: does he?

Another self diagnosed man who wk t go to GP, likely as GP will shut him down.
Stop pandering to him, cook for you and your kids and let him sort himself out, my diagnosis is he’s an arsehole.

This!
This is not about food at all! This is about you not being good enough.

My very abusive ex would do this. None of my ideas were ever good enough but he never had any of his own. And the fact you feel responsible for doing this for him is a massive red flag. Why should you be helping him? He's a full grown man. It is not your responsibility to manage his food intake or his mood.

Why can he not cook for both of you?

Sorry - you need to treat him like you would a child - this is what I m making. You eat or you don’t. He won’t starve himself. Tell him to see a GP but from herein you are not engaging.

Then just make the healthy meals that you and the kids eat - a variety of veg and salad with the meals over the week, a source of protein, and a variety of carbs - ie potatoes, pasta and rice - over the week. If he doesn’t like anything. He can buy and make his own - but do not engage anymore.

It is a form of coercive control - whether driven by an actual psychological issue over food or by his being an arsehole (or a combination of both) is irrelevant if he is a) not willing to speak to a GP and b) it is being used to manipulate and stress you. Your kids will be picking up on it and the impact can mean lifelong distorted relationships with food.

I grew up with an anorexic - food was incendiary, meal times a battle ground. I eventually had an ED myself and it has taken decades and having children of my own to renegotiate my relationship with meals and my body.

If he doesn’t buck up after a zero tolerance response - then it is ultimatum time - get therapy or get out. Harsh though that is, the way you are living is not sustainable and you need to put your own MH and the wellbeing of your kids first.

He is an adult, and a pretty rude one at that.

He clearly has issues around food. He probably needs some help with his mental health but has shown reluctance to see the gp. His choice, he is an adult. It's not your job to fix him. As someone said upthread, you tieing yourself in knots about it is not helping, it's just making him worse.

Have some boundaries op. I would personally cook what I want and he can like it or lump it. If he makes comments such as this isn't a real meal tell him to crack on and make his own food from now on. My dh was mega fussy when we met and for years he pushed food around the plate and spent ages picking out bits of onion etc but he is much less so now.

My DH and I happily eat separately he’s ND and sees food as fuel it’s functional and he gets stressed if he has to eat around others as his anxiety rockets. After years of trying to balance eating the same things together when we have different taste buds I just leave him to it now. It’s removed all the stress and anxiety and we’ve all happier. We don’t socialise over food. This may seem strange to some but we’ve happy. We chat walking the dog and having a coffee it works for us.
I also have two teenagers one whose older does lots of late night sports so they get dinner on a plate to heat up at 9-10pm. She also sees food as “fuel” to train. I eat with my younger teen also ND so prefers to eat alone. I would leave your DH to it and find what works for your family and connect & share love in your relationship in a different way as doing it via food isn’t working for you as a couple. Of course his behaviour sounds controlling and bullying to me which is not healthy if it’s a sign of other things not working well that you may want to sort out.