AIBU to feel this devastated? I just want this pain to go

Its lovely that you have your daughter tonight - I'm sure you'll both have a brilliant time together.

Your housing officer sounds really lovely. She sounds very fond of you, which is always a positive.

It is always very strange when you're used to seeing someone and then you don't. You know they're away, but it's just a very strange feeling.

Do you have any plans with DD during the time she's with you? It is such a shame that you have to share her, but I bet she adores your time together, which is so very special x

I'm not doing well today, which I'm really really annoyed with myself over.

I have eaten something. Not much, but something. I only did because I needed to eat - I wasn't feeling very well, so I had to have something, which has really angered me even more.

I don't think I've earned the right to eat today. That actually sounds very odd written down, but I am really annoyed at myself for giving in.

I need to shower, but I don't think I have the energy to do it. I don't even know if I have the energy to do anything anymore.

I know that anorexia is controlling me right now. My periods have become almost non existent, which has never happened before and I've had the weight comments from someone else on a work call again today.

I shouldn't have got myself into this situation, getting attached to people because now I am a complete and utter mess and I only have myself to blame.

If I'm totally honest here, I think I know exactly what my problem is.
I know I need to see the GP for this lump. There is no doubt about that.

My issue is taking my clothes off. This is something me and my therapist would have gone through, but she isn't here. If I go and see the GP, I'll have to take my tshirt/jumper off. Not only will I feel exposed, they'll be able to see what I look like. I won't be able to "hide" anything. They'll not only be able to see, but they'll be able to feel how slim I am.

The other day, I thought that if I eat a meal every single day, they'll never be able to notice. I could drink loads of water beforehand as well as eat a meal before the appointment and then I won't look or feel as slim, so they'll never notice.

Today, however, I thought that if I eat very, very little, this lump will disappear and nobody (apart from us all here!) will know it ever existed. Maybe me eating is somehow "feeding" this lump, so no food = no lump.

I'm avoiding being seen, not just by a doctor, but by anyone at all. Usually, I contact the GP for most things. If I'm not well, I'll call them. I have awful health anxiety, which I've had for many, many years. I never thought I'd be the one avoiding the doctor.

I know that it's their job and it's just another body to look at, but it is also MY body that other people mistreated throughout my childhood. It belongs to me and yes, I've also mistreated it, but I'd got to a point where I was 'okay' with it. I was able to eat and not focus on it, but now, the focus is on my body and the focus of the doctor is also going to be my body. I didn't love my body, but I was okay living with it because nobody else could touch it unless I said so.

I've always been described as a very 'secretive' person and I guess people are right. I am very, very private. Everything I've written on here would never, ever been said to people I know in real life.
I've never had a smear test because I can't.
It isn't embarrassing for me, it's terrifying. I remember the doctor needed to look at something on my leg so I needed to pull my jeans down (slightly) and I couldn't do it, so I had to go home and send a photo.

I once managed to somehow get into my head that if I stay slim, they won't ask me for a smear test because I'll be 'too thin' or they won't be able to do it because my weight is too low. I know it doesn't work like that, but that's how I managed the smear test invites, until my therapist wrote to my GP asking to take me off the list temporarily.

It's bizarre, I know, but I haven't got my therapist to fall back on now. She isn't here to write letters and communicate with the GP when I can't. Doctors are very safe people for me, but not when it comes to dealing with certain parts of my body. I can't run away from this issue.

I think I'm very overtired today, I've been up very early doing endless loads of washing, had to work longer than usual, dealt with people I don't particularly want to deal with and now this is all catching up with me. I've realised there isn't anyone to fall back on. I have to get on and deal with this. Food can't change this.

I have sent the GP an email asking for someone to call me tomorrow. Hopefully then I will go from there.

I hope you are all doing well x

Thank you. They're going to send me a list of appointments tomorrow, so I can book one with a doctor of my choice. I guess that's a positive, but my usual GP is now off for a little while, so I can't even see her, which really makes things worse for me as I don't particularly trust new people, but we will see.

I knew something would happen when everyone was gone. First my therapist, now my GP. The two people I trust and rely heavily on for things like this, so that's not helping.

I didn't sleep well unfortunately. Waking up quite a bit, so very broken sleep.

How are you? How are you doing? x

I am at the doctors now. I know I can't leave but here's hoping I actually go through with it all

Thank you. It went okay. I've been referred to the clinic in the hospital and have an appointment on the two week cancer pathway for next week.

I'm glad I went actually because little did I know that no follow up plans have been made in the absence of my therapist. I was told someone would call me, but it seems that won't be happening.
I knew it would happen. I knew I'd just be forgotten about. Its always the same.

It's also unlikely that she'll be returning, so I can forget seeing her again.

Now, when I say I am nothing to people, that is exactly what I mean. All I really am is a name on a screen. I'm not a human being to them - I'm just a thing. This is always the outcome for me. It's never been any different. I have no idea why I thought it would be different this time.

Part of me wishes I hadn't gone because then I could hold on to some type of hope that I may be passed on to someone else, rather than left. I could hold on to the hope that she might return.

It's a shame really. I thought I was doing the "right" thing by eating a meal and looking after my physical health, but just by doing that has made everything mentally so, so much worse, so I really, really wish I hadn't bothered.

What I will do going forward, I don't know. I just don't know any more. I knew it would happen. I was promised it wouldn't and I stupidly believed it. I should never have been so naive. I can not believe I've let this happen.

Yes, you're right. It's more than enough. If anything, it was too much for me. Usually, I would make an appointment to discuss and then a separate appointment to examine, but I got it all done there and then.

I've got to get it all done again next week again at the hospital, which is already causing me dreadful anxiety (the anxiety isn't bad news, it's only the examination that causes me this)

Regarding the therapist, I've been waiting for a call from someone for all these weeks. It turns out one was never coming. That's what I can't get my head around. Someone could have told me. I feel like an absolute idiot. I am torn between speaking to the GP and getting things moving again and not bothering because I could save myself the emotional pain by staying in my house, in my bubble, by myself. That way, I can't be hurt. Nobody can leave me. I feel like I'm all the way back at the beginning again. I'm back feeling how I felt from the very day she told me she was leaving.

I remember at the beginning, feeling like my whole world was crumbling infront of me and I couldn't do anything about it. That letter I wrote to her before is exactly how I feel again. I'm back to crying every day and barely able to eat. I'm sure I'll snap out of it soon, but that's where I am right now.

I hope everyone else is doing well x