AIBU to feel this devastated? I just want this pain to go

Massive massive hugs. I could murder a piece of toast right now - have another one for me would you? Or at least a cuppa.

Here's something that happened to me today, and it made me think of you because i recognise certain similarities in the way we think. Like you I form strong attachments to authority figures. I was moved to a new team today. To be clear, I will still see previous (fantastic) team, I can still speak with them, and new team is lovely. Those things make not one jot of difference - I am bereft. I KNOW that this change was not personal, yet there is also a part of me that wonders what I have done wrong, is angry, feels betrayed, feels worthless. I know I must ignore those thoughts because they are based in my fears and self doubt and not in reality, but god it is difficult. The only difference between you and me is that you suffered horrendous abuse that has ground down your ability to see that your thoughts are likewise based in fear not in reality. So let me be your alter ego, who tells you that yes, these feelings are awful and all consuming, but the way to beat them is to press on ahead as if they were not there. The more you keep going despite them, the easier it gets. Get that shower and that is two things you have pressed on ahead with, and I am PROUD OF YOU for that!!

"What kind of person is heartbroken at another's joy?"

Oh mate - a NORMAL person! The magnitude of your grief is unusual (but understandable in the circumstances!), but most people would feel upset if they were not seeing someone they cared about again!

If you only have the energy to take one caring step for yourself (and please do - all of us on this thread will be happier knowing you are caring for yourself!), get yourself some high calorie drinks so even if you don't feel like eating you can get some extra nourishment inside you.

I was wondering if listening to a loving kindness meditation daily may help? There are very many on YouTube. Even if you can’t manage to give yourself compassion, this way you can simply listen to someone wishing you peace.

When I read your post I too thought of autism. I know from my DH that having trauma can complicate getting a diagnosis. Might you read some stories from late diagnosed women online and see if that resonates?

Wishing you well 💐

I really hope you are not devoting your life to caring for your awful parents OP? Is there no way to step back and get some council help in, so that you have some free time to relax or start to explore what you could enjoy. I’m in a similar situation in that I don’t have anything I enjoy but my therapist has said that I need to start doing activities anyway and the motivation and enjoyment will stem from that.
Are you feeling any better about your therapist leaving than you were when you first found out? It must be exhausting to be crying all the time

I really feel for you OP. It's not surprising you're desperately seeking someone to "stay" and care for you when you had such shitty parent(s). So I would cut yourself some slack for that. You've recognised it's not a healthy response but it's certainly an understandable one.

You are in a very emotionally charged state. You won’t be able to think logically about this until you have control of these emotions.

I have been going through similar but the antidepressants are starting to numb it so I can look at it more clearly. It’s not personal, people have their lives to live.
Do you have any hobbies like knitting? Can you find something to focus on that takes you out of your own head? I learned crafts and it has helped in the bad times.

OP you come across as a very kind, empathetic person who is clearly intelligent. My heart breaks that you think of yourself so poorly. I recognise the self loathing you have and need for control in my son who had an eating disorder but thankfully is doing much better now. You’ll have heard this a million times before but at an extremely low weight, food is your medicine. I didn’t believe this when the ED team said this to me about my son. I thought it was ridiculous. He was anxious and had OCD but gradually he gained weight and gradually his mental state improved. Now he’s not perfect (who is) and still suffers from anxiety, but he’s no longer gripped by thoughts constantly of self hatred. This probably isn’t very helpful as I do appreciate how infinitely difficult it is to fight your thoughts and eat when everything inside is screaming to stop but I want you to know things aren’t hopeless and you have value and worth and absolutely deserve to feel safe and happy. Sending my love x

You sound so lovely OP but just having such a shitty, shitty time.

I know people have suggested neurodiversity with rsd or attachment disorder and a doctor previously suggested bipolar but to me this all screams borderline personality disorder really. really loudly (and I think you said a psych previously suggested it - but then it didn't go anywhere).

A history of terrible trauma, a fear of abandonment so strong that you would pay someone 5k to stick around, overwhelming emotional responses to situations, impulsive behaviours and self harming (not taking your meds, eating disorder), very low self esteem and self image, viewing yourself as the problem or the reason negative things happen, periods of paranoia where you think things are out to get you, feeling your house is your only safe place.

IMO OP you are ticking so many boxes, I wouldn't rule out neurodiversity if you sibling is ND - but being ND just puts people at a higher risk of developing BPD.
The medication used for Bipolar disorder can also help people with BPD feel better apparently, which I think you said happened in your case.

I really think you need to chase up on the psych that suggested a personality disorder if that is in any way possible OP. Hopefully so you can get DBT which might help you more than whatever you're having now. EMDR can also really help with the underlying trauma and attachment wounds.

It was really, really wrong of the therapist to give you the impression let alone state that she would never leave you, in fact this whole thing feels a bit off to me. I don't think her behaviour sounds very professional or very beneficial to you. Please go back to the psych OP even if it is a wait and get a proper diagnosis, this isn't a bit of depression and anxiety. You deserve to get the right diagnosis and the right treatment. I'm sorry the NHS is so fucking shite.

I know people have their own lives and they have to do what's best for them and realistically, I am nobody to these people. Just because someone has value in my life, doesn't mean I do in theirs.

When people act on their own priorities, or respond to events/limitations/etc in their own lives, it doesn't mean that you are "nobody to these people". They are likely to care about you, like you, and respect the reality of your needs and your positive qualities. It's just that you aren't central to their decision making.

When you relentlessly focus on how their decisions allegedly reflect how disgusting, unimportant and worthless you are, you are being extremely unkind to yourself. But it also feels like a little bit of silent aggression to the people who leave you. In your head (and I don't mean to imply that you actually do this in the real world), you are saying that it is cruel and hostile and judgemental of them to leave you. That's a way of pressuring them to stay with you.

I do understand why you get caught in that narrative, because you are dealing with such a lot. I just thought it might be a useful thing to focus on, because it is probably easier to start trying to let go of unkindness towards others than it is to let go of unkindness towards yourself.

@BrentfordForever Quatiapine is a commonly used drug for bipolar - but it doesn't really sound like OP shows much sign of bipolar, and it'd be a slog to get a diagnosis for that if one has been actively withdrawn.

@Hamandcrispsandwich I am really sorry you feel like this. For what it's worth, I saw a lot of therapists in my early 20s, and had the same situation... they'd push me to talk about my family, and my parents, and then I'd inevitably be moved to a new therapist, and the same would happen again. On three separate occasions, the therapist had to take time out while I was talking. In one of those, she threw up, in another, she left the room and what felt like a lifetime later, the receptionist came in and said she was unable to finish the session and someone else would be in touch with me. They never were.

I was absolutely lost in my tiny world. My ED went the other day and I hoarded food and ate too much, because it gave me the tiny slithers of happiness, and I felt in control of choosing what to eat, at least...

I'm in my mid 30s now. I have two children, a husband, friends. I still have anxiety sometimes and raging RSD, but for the most part, I'm unrecognisable from before. I can't say I've hugely processed the family stuff... but before I had the children, I'd moved past it enough that it almost felt it happened to "another" me. I'm not sure how healthy that is; but it's how it is! Nobody could cope with hearing the details to help me, and nobody felt they could help without hearing the details, so it felt like the only way forward was to not need to process it.

I'm not sure the specific ways I did it will help you. I had to give up my remote job and force myself into an office. Then days out... I started going out at 10 (because it's quieter then!) and making myself stay out until 12, then 2, then 4, then the whole day. It was mentally exhausting to start with but it expanded my world ten-fold, and it gave more opportunities for tiny positive interactions with people like baristas. Ironically I work remotely again now because it works better with my life, but the office stint did me a lot of good.

Throwing myself into causes helped - learning about things, volunteering, things that are very much not about me. I learned to train guide dogs. I started by washing them and supervising them playing, and then became a trainer. They offered me a job at the end - I didn't take it, but it was validating, and it was time that my brain couldn't turn over what I'd been told. By the end, it was time that directly contradicted what my brain said. How could I be useless if I was training dogs? If I was doing good?

It was a long slog, I don't want to pretend it wasn't, but I'm so far through the other side now, and it's so worth it. I can barely remember the days I spent locked in my bedroom in a rented house because my world was so, so small.

I would also explore autism. Support for that could be life-changing for you, if it applies, and I've heard that Quatiapine can sometimes temporarily assist with symptoms - it's a form of masking, I think, but I saw that it'd sometimes been effective for 12/18 months and that's something you could explore, alongside help for what you're struggling with now. In my experience, there may not be a way to process everything that happened, but you can absolutely change your own outlook. Brains are immensely powerful but you can control yours, you can.

It's valid to just feel the pain for a bit too, though.

I hope you're doing okay today. Remember that each meal is a step towards freedom from this, in whatever guise that takes for you.

I've never had a level of consistency that I so deeply crave. Ive always been abandoned because something better has come along.

This stood out for me and I wondered whether (although you clearly have several really distressing difficulties with which you genuinely need consistent support), one of your difficulties might be a horror of abandonment/rejection. I felt that that horror might be heightening your response to ordinary situations in which people move on, or move away from one another, or suggest more suitable sources of help.

You feel that you are 'disgusting' because of something that has been done to you, and you fear that people in your life whose support you need shy away because of that. It isn't true, though. It is especially not true of therapists because their job is precisely to deal with this sort of situation.

People have their own needs, lives, obstacles, limitations, and their behaviour is shaped by these, not by you.

This latest episode of feeling abandoned by a therapist should be something you work on. You could explore it with the replacement therapist. It could be a really useful opportunity to deal with an issue that is clearly very fundamental for you.