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Original poster

AIBU to feel this devastated? I just want this pain to go

292 replies

Hamandcrispsandwich · 09/06/2026 10:55

Hello,
I just want to start by saying I'm not in any way a cruel or malicious person, so please don't think I am.
I am currently in a terrible way mentally and I need someone or something to pull me out of it. I have depression, anxiety and a severe, chronic eating disorder. I have had years of therapy, psychiatrists, psychologists etc and EVERY SINGLE ONE has passed me on to someone else to "deal with" because I'm "too complex"
I've never had a level of consistency that I so deeply crave. Ive always been abandoned because something better has come along. I do have a job and a few weeks ago, one of my clients got drunk and was horrendously abusive to me over the phone. They told me I'm disgusting, I make them feel sick and why are people like me even alive, I have no purpose etc. I quickly terminated that, but please understand that these are all things I think about myself, but hearing it from someone else deeply hurt.

Now, I've had a therapist for 2 years. I started to feel able to open up fully this year, which I have done and she said "I promise you I won't leave you" consistently over these few months. Fast forward to my last session and she's leaving. We have one more session and she's leaving to have a baby, so I will be passed on to someone else again.
I am broken. I cannot tell you the level of devastation I feel. I haven't eaten a meal since we spoke, i keep crying all throughout the day and I absolutely hate myself for it.
I am so happy for her, I really am thrilled that she is having a baby, but this is completely overtaken by my own feelings and I don't know what to do.

  1. I will never have a baby or family of my own, but it is something I've always craved, however, I have to accept I can never have it and now she does.
  2. Once again, something better has come along and I have to just accept it and understand that I'll never be of any value in others lives.
  3. I am being handed to someone else who doesn't particularly want me
  4. I have to accept that I am disposable and easily replaceable and always will be.

Please do understand that I really am a kind, caring, gentle person and I don't know why this keeps happening to me. I just don't know how to get out of it. All I want is to not feel this sad. I wish I could make this pain and mental distress go away, but I don't know how to do that. I have to stay alive because there are people relying on me and i dont want to cause them any upset. I can't tell anyone in real life because they'll think I'm pathetic, which I know I am, but I just find this pain unbearable. I've had years of this and finally thought it wouldn't happen again but here i am. I thought I'd find it easier, but this is the hardest.

This is all my own fault. She's handled this as best she can. She as the only one willing to try with me, so I am forever grateful, but I feel so defeated and I just need this pain to go. I have a headache, I feel sick, all I do is cry or lie in my bed like the waste of existence I am, I can't eat, can't sleep and I just feel like I'm a complete and utter waste of oxygen.

Thank you for reading and for any replies. I'm currently lying in bed, so I'll respond to anything when I get up (IF I fall asleep) x

OP posts:
ButcherFaker · 01/07/2026 14:43

Sorry, maternity leave, not maturity leave!

ButcherFaker · 01/07/2026 14:35

Hamandcrispsandwich · 01/07/2026 14:18

It's on Friday.
I haven't yet cancelled it, but I don't think I'll stay for the whole session if I'm honest.
I just feel like I haven't got it in me. I even feel too tired to go, but I will do my best.

Show quote history

Try to make it there if you possibly can as this is your chance to have your feelings heard. Do you think you could try to up your calorie intake for the next couple of days to give yourself the physical and emotional energy to get through it?
I will be thinking about you and really hopIng you find the session helps you process your pain. Maybe she can let you know when she will be back from maturity leave and resume your sessions then.

Original poster
Hamandcrispsandwich · 01/07/2026 14:18

OldwiseOwl · 30/06/2026 20:57

When is your last session with your therapist @Hamandcrispsandwich i remember you said it was this week.

It's on Friday.
I haven't yet cancelled it, but I don't think I'll stay for the whole session if I'm honest.
I just feel like I haven't got it in me. I even feel too tired to go, but I will do my best.

OP posts:
OldwiseOwl · 30/06/2026 20:57

When is your last session with your therapist @Hamandcrispsandwich i remember you said it was this week.

Original poster
Hamandcrispsandwich · 30/06/2026 13:56

My client was a beautiful soul. I called the family once I'd found out and asked if they needed anything and they asked me to go over. It was very unexpected, just a terrible accident that couldn't have been prevented sadly. Life can be very cruel.

Most people i know are just tolerating the heat - I sound most of my time in a coat, so it's nice to be without. I've got it back on now.

OP posts:
OldwiseOwl · 27/06/2026 22:31

I’m doing ok thanks @Hamandcrispsandwich sorry to hear that you’re not doing as well as you were. Bless you for visiting their family, that’s very compassionate. I don’t know about anyone else but can’t say that I’ve enjoyed the hot weather. Just tolerating it really.

Original poster
Hamandcrispsandwich · 27/06/2026 20:09

Thank you for checking up on me.
I am not doing as well as I was unfortunately - this is the week I say goodbye and it's really hit me all of a sudden.

I think it's because I felt like it was ages away, sometimes it feels like our appointments take forever to come round and this one has gone quicker than I expected.

A client of mine also sadly passed away the early hours of this morning in a terrible accident. Completely unexpected, so that's an awful shock. I visited their family earlier and dropped them some things round, but it feels like loss after loss after loss and I just can't function with it all.

I actually am cold in any temperature under around 32 degrees, so I can actually wear no coat for once. Is anyone else enjoying it?
How are you all doing? X

OP posts:
ButcherFaker · 27/06/2026 15:44

Hi @Hamandcrispsandwich, how are you feeling at the moment. Hope you are coping with this awful heatwave if you are affected by it.

OldwiseOwl · 27/06/2026 11:44

Hello @Hamandcrispsandwich I hope you're having at least an ok day.

Original poster
Hamandcrispsandwich · 23/06/2026 15:35

DisappearingGirl · 22/06/2026 21:41

I have been eating more than last week. I've been taking my meds religiously every night and going straight to bed. I haven't done any exercise or engaged with any of my previous ED behaviours.

This is a MASSIVE achievement - well done.

I am just thinking of two specific very good friends of mine - one has bipolar disorder, the other has occasional bouts of major depression/anxiety. Both are lovely sensible people with jobs and caring responsibilities (like you). Both have realised that the best way to manage when they are struggling is to keep plodding on and doing all the sensible things like eating, sleeping and taking the meds, even when they don't feel like it. This brings them back to stability.

Thank you. I hope your friends are doing okay. My moods are awful, nobody actually knows how bad I feel, but I'm a bit better than usual this week (apart from a migraine!)

The one thing I am this week is exhausted. I wasn't as tired last week, couldn't sleep etc, but now I can sleep all night and all day if I could, which isn't great, but I prefer it to not sleeping because at least I'm not thinking x

OP posts:
Original poster
Hamandcrispsandwich · 23/06/2026 15:32

Katewashere · 22/06/2026 21:41

I am so proud of you! What battles you have to deal with on a daily basis with your mind that no one can ever know. Keep going. Not every day will be good but just keep going. You are on the right track

Show quote history

Thank you for your kindness.
Today is not as good food wise, but I'm still eating SOMETHING.
It is a constant battle with my mind and I do want the thoughts to just stop sometimes, but I have to keep going.
My thoughts of ending everything are still present, as they usually are, but they're not as strong this week, so that's an improvement. I hope you are doing well x

OP posts:
Original poster
Hamandcrispsandwich · 23/06/2026 15:28

ButcherFaker · 22/06/2026 21:33

Thats wonderful to hear that you are feeling a bit better and you are looking after yourself too. I hope you manage to go to the appointment and have an honest conversation with her about how you feel. You might be able to arrange to see her when she returns from maternity leave xx

Thank you - how are things with you? I hope you are doing okay xx

OP posts:
Katewashere · 22/06/2026 21:41

Hamandcrispsandwich · 22/06/2026 21:16

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to say thank you all for your kind messages. You have all been so lovely to me. I have been doing better these past few days - I have been eating more than last week. I've been taking my meds religiously every night and going straight to bed. I haven't done any exercise or engaged with any of my previous ED behaviours. I don't know how long this will last, but it's better than nothing I guess.

Next week will be our final session. I am still devastated by this, but I'm doing my best and it's better than last week.

I've been unwell with a chest infection, but I'm on the mend. I probably won't do as well next week, but for now, I am okay.

I have researched BPD as someone suggested and some of it resonates with me, but some I'm not so sure about, but that's not for me to decide.

I hope those of you on the thread that were struggling are doing okay x

I am so proud of you! What battles you have to deal with on a daily basis with your mind that no one can ever know. Keep going. Not every day will be good but just keep going. You are on the right track

DisappearingGirl · 22/06/2026 21:41

I have been eating more than last week. I've been taking my meds religiously every night and going straight to bed. I haven't done any exercise or engaged with any of my previous ED behaviours.

This is a MASSIVE achievement - well done.

I am just thinking of two specific very good friends of mine - one has bipolar disorder, the other has occasional bouts of major depression/anxiety. Both are lovely sensible people with jobs and caring responsibilities (like you). Both have realised that the best way to manage when they are struggling is to keep plodding on and doing all the sensible things like eating, sleeping and taking the meds, even when they don't feel like it. This brings them back to stability.

ButcherFaker · 22/06/2026 21:33

Thats wonderful to hear that you are feeling a bit better and you are looking after yourself too. I hope you manage to go to the appointment and have an honest conversation with her about how you feel. You might be able to arrange to see her when she returns from maternity leave xx

Original poster
Hamandcrispsandwich · 22/06/2026 21:16

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to say thank you all for your kind messages. You have all been so lovely to me. I have been doing better these past few days - I have been eating more than last week. I've been taking my meds religiously every night and going straight to bed. I haven't done any exercise or engaged with any of my previous ED behaviours. I don't know how long this will last, but it's better than nothing I guess.

Next week will be our final session. I am still devastated by this, but I'm doing my best and it's better than last week.

I've been unwell with a chest infection, but I'm on the mend. I probably won't do as well next week, but for now, I am okay.

I have researched BPD as someone suggested and some of it resonates with me, but some I'm not so sure about, but that's not for me to decide.

I hope those of you on the thread that were struggling are doing okay x

OP posts:
Original poster
Hamandcrispsandwich · 20/06/2026 22:58

StarDolphins · 19/06/2026 23:19

Op, I’ve not read the whole thread but I’ve read yours. You really do sound so blooming lovely and I feel so sad for you. It’s not your fault, you’re not repulsive. It’s your dad’s fault and the trauma you endured. This level
of an awful childhood, by someone that’s meant to love and cherish you, will always have this impact. You’re unwell, keep telling yourself that. You’ve been programmed to seee yourself as all the things your dad said. Please try and take baby steps and even teeny things, it will all help. You are toast, AMAZING, you had a shower? Be proud of yourself. I also think giving another therapist a try is a good idea if you can. Try and reassure yourself that the things you think of yourself are ones you’re dad has convinced you of.

Edited

Thank you for your kind words. I am so very grateful, it is so lovely of you to say these things.

I did eat something today, but I just feel numb. I feel nothing inside. I can't cry, smile or anything in-between. I don't particularly like this numbness, but I prefer it to the deep sadness and upset because that physically hurts me. I have been taking my meds and going straight to bed, so I don't regret taking them. I haven't slept a whole night, I wake up often, usually every hour, but I've slept, so that's better than nothing I guess x

OP posts:
Original poster
Hamandcrispsandwich · 20/06/2026 22:50

TheBlueKoala · 19/06/2026 22:48

The ED is not your friend. Can you change it for the gym? The gym can be a safe place and if you take "control" of your body on the sense of building muscle instead of deteriorating you will build inner strength at the same time. X

Show quote history

The gym or any kind of exercise place is not a good idea for me. I don't know when to stop once I start exercising, which leads to me becoming obsessed with it.

I was obsessed with walking at one point and would walk for 6 hours every single day. I don't do that any more, but I've always been told to avoid exercise and gyms for the foreseeable. It is good advice though and something I will consider once I'm at a more reasonable BMI x

OP posts:
Original poster
Hamandcrispsandwich · 19/06/2026 23:50

Thank you all for your kindness and support. None of it goes unnoticed and I am truly grateful for all of you.

I am feeling better now. I had some food, washed my face, cleaned my teeth and took my meds. I did have a meal earlier, admittedly a small one, but a meal all the same. My first whole meal in 2 weeks.

Sometimes, I feel better about everything, I think to myself "I feel better because I've had time to think. It's been 2.5 weeks since she told me" etc, but then it quickly dawns on me that the longer it's been since she told me, the nearer it gets to our final session and that is what I don't want. I want this period in between to go as slow as possible. Usually, I can't wait to see her, catch up, talk etc, but now I know it could be the last time and that is what hurts.

I've never been a person before. I've always been X's child or "the anorexic" but to her, I was me. A whole human being. I was never called "the anorexic" or "the anxious and depressed one" I was me with Anorexia, depression and anxiety. She is the first person to ever speak to me like a person and that is what I like about her. She never spoke down to me. She worked with me, not above me. Once, we spoke about lunch, it's a meal I don't usually eat. I've always been told "well, you have to eat it" but not her. She said "Okay, you don't like lunch, fine. Let's try a snack at lunchtime" and I did it. I ended up eating lunch from then on. I used to eat in sessions sometimes, I don't usually eat around others, but I could around her. That will all be gone soon.

OP posts:
StarDolphins · 19/06/2026 23:19

Op, I’ve not read the whole thread but I’ve read yours. You really do sound so blooming lovely and I feel so sad for you. It’s not your fault, you’re not repulsive. It’s your dad’s fault and the trauma you endured. This level
of an awful childhood, by someone that’s meant to love and cherish you, will always have this impact. You’re unwell, keep telling yourself that. You’ve been programmed to seee yourself as all the things your dad said. Please try and take baby steps and even teeny things, it will all help. You are toast, AMAZING, you had a shower? Be proud of yourself. I also think giving another therapist a try is a good idea if you can. Try and reassure yourself that the things you think of yourself are ones you’re dad has convinced you of.

FiveMetresUp · 19/06/2026 22:56

50sandFabulous · 09/06/2026 11:07

What would happen if you just stopped trying to get validation from others, or therapists? How about you just focused on what you enjoy - like your favourite food and drink, and just chilling out watching a film? Stop trying to analyse everything, and just "be". Would having a pet help?

This is really good advice, OP.

ButcherFaker · 19/06/2026 22:53

You really need inpatient treatment to recover from your ED. Your mood and cognitive functioning will always be really low when you are eating so little. I can’t remember whether you said that you would consider that or not?

TheBlueKoala · 19/06/2026 22:48

Hamandcrispsandwich · 19/06/2026 22:34

I thought I was starting to feel better today. I thought I was accepting things.

I couldn't have been any more wrong. All I want is this feeling to go. That is all I want. I don't know what I ever did to deserve a life like this.

The ED is not your friend. Can you change it for the gym? The gym can be a safe place and if you take "control" of your body on the sense of building muscle instead of deteriorating you will build inner strength at the same time. X

Original poster
Hamandcrispsandwich · 19/06/2026 22:34

I thought I was starting to feel better today. I thought I was accepting things.

I couldn't have been any more wrong. All I want is this feeling to go. That is all I want. I don't know what I ever did to deserve a life like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hamandcrispsandwich · 19/06/2026 18:49

PissedOffAutistic · 18/06/2026 23:53

Massive massive hugs. I could murder a piece of toast right now - have another one for me would you? Or at least a cuppa.

Here's something that happened to me today, and it made me think of you because i recognise certain similarities in the way we think. Like you I form strong attachments to authority figures. I was moved to a new team today. To be clear, I will still see previous (fantastic) team, I can still speak with them, and new team is lovely. Those things make not one jot of difference - I am bereft. I KNOW that this change was not personal, yet there is also a part of me that wonders what I have done wrong, is angry, feels betrayed, feels worthless. I know I must ignore those thoughts because they are based in my fears and self doubt and not in reality, but god it is difficult. The only difference between you and me is that you suffered horrendous abuse that has ground down your ability to see that your thoughts are likewise based in fear not in reality. So let me be your alter ego, who tells you that yes, these feelings are awful and all consuming, but the way to beat them is to press on ahead as if they were not there. The more you keep going despite them, the easier it gets. Get that shower and that is two things you have pressed on ahead with, and I am PROUD OF YOU for that!!

I'm so sorry that has happened to you, but I'm pleased you can still see your old team and your new ones are brilliant.

I didn't shower. I washed my hair earlier, but that's about it. It just drains me. I was going to go out, but I'm not sure if that's a good idea. Many years ago, I used to go for a walk for hours whenever I'd eaten, so I'm not sure whether staying inside is better.

I just still can't believe that this is my reality yet again. I thought I'd left these behaviours in the past. I thought I'd find this easier, but this is, for sure, the hardest. I know I shouldn't depend on her, but I really feel like nothing without her. She was the only one who listened and acknowledged me. Every time I've been in hospital/to therapy etc, I've been referred to as "The anorexic"
She never did that. I was a person. A whole human being with a name and a personality and I won't have that any more. I am just so sad all the time. I shouldn't be, I wish I wasn't, but I am.

OP posts: