AIBU to feel this devastated? I just want this pain to go

I'm okay. I thought I was doing better, but then it all hit me again on Wednesday and I've been completely useless since.
We usually have sessions every other week, so today would have been our session - made me realise that our sessions were so important to me now that I can't have them. I'd give anything to have them back. I hope she's doing okay though. I really do miss her so, so much and it really dawned on me that I don't have her any more.

That's great news. I'm glad you found it helpful. She sounds wonderful. How are you feeling? X

I'm okay. I thought I was doing better, but then it all hit me again on Wednesday and I've been completely useless since.
We usually have sessions every other week, so today would have been our session - made me realise that our sessions were so important to me now that I can't have them. I'd give anything to have them back. I hope she's doing okay though. I really do miss her so, so much and it really dawned on me that I don't have her any more.

That's great news. I'm glad you found it helpful. She sounds wonderful. How are you feeling? X

I'm so sorry you've had bad news - I hope you're okay?
I also hope you've got a support network around you, just so you've got people to talk too. Feel free to speak on this thread or you're welcome to message privately.

Please look after yourself as best you can and reach out if you feel you need too!

I didn't end up going out. I opened the door and went straight back inside. I just can't face the world right now. I am really surprised at just how difficult I'm finding things at the moment, but I'm sure it'll get better in time. Just doesn't feel like it right now x

Hello.

Thank you so much for your kindness. It really does mean the world to me. It always surprises me when people are nice to me.

Yesterday, I felt so much more positive than today. I guess that's how it goes, but today is particularly difficult. I've managed to eat though. Not much, but something.
I also know I need to go out, but I don't actually think I want to face it. Seeing others happy, going about their lives, when I feel like mine is crumbling is not something I want to do.

How is everyone else?

Thank you. Just incase nobody has told you, you are such a kind, beautiful person. I'm so sorry that things are difficult right now.

Is contacting your GP something that you could do? Just to get yourself some support. I honestly don't like the thought of you struggling without any help and support at this difficult time that you've told me about.

I visited my clients family member this week and they were absolutely inconsolable after their loss. They were completely alone and I just sat with them all night. I didn't actually do anything at all, but they said my presence meant the world to them. Do you have anyone who could do that for you? Not necessarily to talk, but just to be there? The thought of you not having anyone is heartbreaking, so please know, you always have us on this thread.

You definitely don't deserve to suffer. After everything that has happened, you deserve kindness, compassion and support. I hope that's something you never forget.

Is there anything I can possibly do to help you? As you know, you're welcome to message me any time and I am just a stranger on the Internet, but if there's any help or support I or anyone on this thread can give you, please do say. Even if its just a message every day to check in with you. Everyone is here for you too x

Thank you so much.
I thought my letter was quite sad and I really didn't want to cause her any upset or emotional distress, which is part of why I didn't pass it on. She doesn't need that on top of everything else she has in her life, like her new arrival!

They do - I have seen them a few times. I think most of the problem is my local mental health unit won't see anyone with a BMI under X amount, which mine is, so I'm instantly ineligible for any assessment or treatment there. Referrals are sent straight back. Whenever I've been there previously, they've told me to gain X amount of weight and then get a re referral.

The eating disorder unit is also very complex. There are a few within my area/slightly out of area that I could go too, however, only ONE will see people with a BMI under X amount, so I have to go there because nowhere else will see me. All referrals are instantly rejected, but the one I go to makes it very clear that any co existing physical and mental health problems must be managed and treated by external services before they'll carry out any assessments.
You also can't engage in treatment with two services at one time, so that creates further difficulties.

It's worth making an appointment to speak to them though, so that's something I will ask about when they contact me tomorrow. I am very lucky to have a brilliant GP surgery who keep in regular contact with me, even if I don't make contact with them. If I ever miss a call from them, they leave messages and call me back until they can get hold of me.

I hope you are doing okay yourself. I am really grateful for your kind words x

I am okay, thank you for checking - how are you doing?

I didn't sleep at all last night. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my entire life, so much that it made me sick. This overwhelming sense of sadness just came over me and there was nothing I could do. It's actually final. She's gone, whether I like it or not. It's painful, physically painful. I'd rather be physically hurt than feel this. I then woke up with a sore throat, but I carried on, did my job and now im here.

The postman knocked earlier and asked me if I was okay. I said I was, why? And he told me I look 'all washed out' - which did make me laugh. I contacted the surgery, but not until really really late, so I probably won't hear back until tomorrow!

Has anyone been up to anything exciting?

If you are reading this, it's because I've chosen to give it to you. I debated whether to write this down, wondering whether it'll be helpful for me, but I decided to give it a go.
I just want to start this by saying that I am so, so happy for you. You will be a wonderful mum and your baby is very lucky. I am truly so pleased for you, although I can appreciate my reaction to the news may not have seemed like it.

I am beyond lucky to have had the joy of working with you for so many years now and our sessions have brought me so much peace and I finally felt content with how everything was, which is partly why your happiest news was my saddest moment. I appreciate that you can do anything you want in life and I am of no importance in the wider scheme of things, which is perfectly normal, however, I don't think I've really expressed just how important you are to me.

You have always treated me as a whole person. Not just an illness or parts of a person, but a whole human being, which is something I haven't had before. I know and understand just how happy you are to be embarking on this lovely journey and I am so pleased for you, I really am. I promise you with all my heart I am happy and I am really a kind, gentle person who would only ever wish the best for others.

Although I am pleased for you, I am so deeply sad to be saying goodbye to you. You have had such a positive impact on me and my life, you made me feel like I was worth something and I actually had value in the world, which is something I have always struggled with. Saying goodbye is something I've always struggled with, but this time it seems so much harder than ever before and that's because of the happiness our sessions brought me.

I have tried everything to get rid of this awful pain I feel at saying goodbye, ranging from not eating, taking too many tablets and even considering giving up on everything. This is all on me and it's for me to deal with, which I will, in time. I honestly despise myself for feeling like this and wish i could make it go away. I would never ever want you to be worried or upset, which is why I have no idea whether I'll give this to you or keep it for myself. You have enough to deal with right now and much bigger and better things to focus your energy on.

All I could ever wish for is for you to be healthy and happy in your life and that's what you are right now. This really is the best news and I am truly thrilled for you. I'll always be grateful to you for everything you have done for me. I know that in reality, I am nobody in your personal life, but I just want you to know the positive impact you've had on mine. I will never, ever forget you or anything you've done for me. I am truly grateful and forever will be. I do hope I get the chance to see you again. I wish nothing but the best for you and your family. Take care of yourself and enjoy every moment. I wish you all the luck in the world because you deserve it.

That's the letter I wrote to her. I didn't give it to her, I kept it to myself, but that's what I wrote. That is my true, honest feelings right now.
I know I'll get over this, I have before, but I am truly not in a good place right now.
I am contacting my GP in the morning to get my medication reviewed, so will go from there because this can't go on.

If you are reading this, it's because I've chosen to give it to you. I debated whether to write this down, wondering whether it'll be helpful for me, but I decided to give it a go.
I just want to start this by saying that I am so, so happy for you. You will be a wonderful mum and your baby is very lucky. I am truly so pleased for you, although I can appreciate my reaction to the news may not have seemed like it.

I am beyond lucky to have had the joy of working with you for so many years now and our sessions have brought me so much peace and I finally felt content with how everything was, which is partly why your happiest news was my saddest moment. I appreciate that you can do anything you want in life and I am of no importance in the wider scheme of things, which is perfectly normal, however, I don't think I've really expressed just how important you are to me.

You have always treated me as a whole person. Not just an illness or parts of a person, but a whole human being, which is something I haven't had before. I know and understand just how happy you are to be embarking on this lovely journey and I am so pleased for you, I really am. I promise you with all my heart I am happy and I am really a kind, gentle person who would only ever wish the best for others.

Although I am pleased for you, I am so deeply sad to be saying goodbye to you. You have had such a positive impact on me and my life, you made me feel like I was worth something and I actually had value in the world, which is something I have always struggled with. Saying goodbye is something I've always struggled with, but this time it seems so much harder than ever before and that's because of the happiness our sessions brought me.

I have tried everything to get rid of this awful pain I feel at saying goodbye, ranging from not eating, taking too many tablets and even considering giving up on everything. This is all on me and it's for me to deal with, which I will, in time. I honestly despise myself for feeling like this and wish i could make it go away. I would never ever want you to be worried or upset, which is why I have no idea whether I'll give this to you or keep it for myself. You have enough to deal with right now and much bigger and better things to focus your energy on.

All I could ever wish for is for you to be healthy and happy in your life and that's what you are right now. This really is the best news and I am truly thrilled for you. I'll always be grateful to you for everything you have done for me. I know that in reality, I am nobody in your personal life, but I just want you to know the positive impact you've had on mine. I will never, ever forget you or anything you've done for me. I am truly grateful and forever will be. I do hope I get the chance to see you again. I wish nothing but the best for you and your family. Take care of yourself and enjoy every moment. I wish you all the luck in the world because you deserve it.

That's the letter I wrote to her. I didn't give it to her, I kept it to myself, but that's what I wrote. That is my true, honest feelings right now.
I know I'll get over this, I have before, but I am truly not in a good place right now.
I am contacting my GP in the morning to get my medication reviewed, so will go from there because this can't go on.