AIBU to feel this devastated? I just want this pain to go

Here's some examples of services from my city. Not suggesting these are local to you! But just so you get the idea. Some of the staff were lovely and really understanding of the different circumstances people can find themselves in and how to help them.

https://www.stwilfridscentre.org/services-and-activities

https://stmarys-church.co.uk/whats-on/activities/

https://www.sheffieldmentalhealth.co.uk/services/zest

OP you sound lovely and I really feel for you. I'm going to make a suggestion, don't know if it's helpful or not. I think the NHS, especially MH services, can be a bit "computer says no". It also operates in silos for different conditions, so if you have multiple or complex conditions it can feel like you're being passed around. This is no good for MH conditions where the therapeutic relationship is so important. I've seen/heard this many times, it's not due to some failing on your part, it's just the system.

I know you've said you're happy to be alone but it's clear from how much you miss your therapist that having some key human relationships is beneficial for you. I know it's very easy to just say "join a group". But I've done some (limited) work in the past with community wellbeing organisations in my city that are set up for exactly this purpose - to provide a community hub for people who are vulnerable in some way and need some support and warmth in their lives more than they need medical treatment. The services I worked with were very much built on a model of providing a range of options, not saying "you must do this", and slowly building relationships with people. These options ranged from classes (cooking, life skills, gardening etc) to specific support services (stop smoking, counselling etc) and drop ins, tea and cake, walking etc.

The people attending were "vulnerable" for a variety of reasons - e.g. some were well-educated and self-sufficient but became lonely due to e.g. being a carer or their spouse dying.

I just wonder if making yourself try something like this would give you a "back up" so you're less reliant on a therapist and less scared of them leaving. The staff at our centres did say sometimes people will come along, then leave, then come back in a year - it was very much a case of being there for when people are ready. If you try it and don't like it, you can always try a different thing at a later date. And no silly rules that you can't join based on your BMI or whatever.

Something to think about anyway.

Does that seem like a feasible goal to aim towards, as having children is so important to you?

Would you need fertility treatment or just a sperm donor and a turkey baster?

I feel like your diagnosis doesn't cover everything hamandcrisp.

I am not a medical professional and no way qualified and of late, I've got my own diagnosis wrong when self diagnosing but if I will share my experience so that you can decide whether any of it relates to you.

I don't want to give specific information here as I want to remain anonymous.

I am an older lady ( not yet of retirement age).

I grew up in an abusive and neglectful household. I have had some terrible things said to me, been physically assaulted, ridiculed, mocked and emotionally neglected.

I have received diagnosis of anxiety, depression, social anxiety, generalized anxiety in the past.

In the past 5 years I have received a diagnosis of complex post traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). I feel at last my condition has been recognised. It has not changed my state of mind as such but it feels a far better label for what I have experienced and given me some validation. I would suggest at the very least this could apply to you. You have been traumatised without a doubt.

Recently, I went for a neurodiversity assessment believing I had ADHD. I have been informed that this is not a fundamental issue for me but I do have strong indicators of autism and I am guessing there will be some overlap.

I have strong rejection sensitivity and severe abandonment issues and also issues with attachment. I fear being on my own. I suspect this is because it ignites my sensitivity to rejection/abandonment/attachment. Not only did I have an awful time in my home growing up, I was also ostracized at school.

I have also become attached to therapists in the past who have suddenly left. You trust someone with your inner most thoughts then they leave and this is hugely difficult. They are working in effect. But it can feel more than that almost like a deep friendship due to the profound sharing of your innermost thoughts and feelings.

I do have children. However, the prospect of not having children when you want them but can't have them can cause profound grief (I understand but don't want to elaborate here), The fact that we were not cared for as children can cause profound grief. Perhaps we are longing for that caregiver that never was, that should have been. I was wondering what to do with that today. I struggle with the prospect of taking care of myself, it doesn't come naturally.

The longing for connection can be intense. If a neurodiversity is at play, it can further exasperate issues (I have often felt like I'm looking through glass trying to be a part of but not quite ever getting there). I would suggest having a neurodiversity ruled in or out. The friendships I am developing are with others who are neurodiverse and I don't think this is a coincidence.

I haven't got any answers. I will probably always have to live with anxiety and depression. I am about to complete a course of EMDR. Anything to try and alleviate the angst I find myself living with.

I am a deep thinker. I have turned to writing and books for salvation. I have using writing to try and help me navigate my difficulties. More recently, I have shared some of my writing by reading aloud to others. I have made people cry with my writing, somehow, sometimes, people identify. And others will identify with you. Such a lonely place to be, I get it. I am so sorry this is happening to you. If I lived near, I would walk in nature with you and gently chat. It is something I very much enjoy.

Sorry I didn't mean to come across as having ago.

The problem with anxiety is it's often illogical. I know myself. You know what you're thinking isn't right or fair but you still think it.

I've had it myself, where my MH practitioner did something small and with no consequence to me (think changed her hair or similar) and I spent months wondering what she was hiding. I knew it was illogical, and it was nothing to do with me but still I couldn't get the thought of it out of my head.

I never told her either.

I totally understand. I’ve lost my psychiatrist and I’ve been referred to another one but I seem to be completely unable to book an appointment as I don’t want to see anyone else. It’s completely illogical as it will cause me catastrophic issues with my sick leave if I don’t get regular psychiatric reviews but I can’t make myself do it. I just want him back as he looked after me.

You have such insight into why you behave and feel the way you do. You genuinely seem like a kind and intelligent woman and I’m so desperately sorry that you are not able to harness your longing for a child to make the changes in your life for that to happen. Do you know why that is?

I am a parent so I can get why they wouldn't leave the baby at a young age in childcare or without them.

I'm sorry you're hurting but many people can't leave a newborn or even slightly older baby without their mother especially for an hour, and if they do it for you they'd have to do it for everyone else too, they can't make one exception.

I'm not having ago, my DD is 12 and I have left her alone for short periods at home but I'd never leave to go to another town (unless she's with her dad) as it's just unsafe.

I do hope the therapist comes back after Maternity Leave as that would be good for you to see people don't just leave, but please don't expect her to leave a tiny baby to see you.

I hear you. It sounds like you haven’t been properly heard, and that hurts, and feels quite hopeless. I don’t always blame doctors or psychiatrists for this, because I think they may be limited in their time. Psychiatrists less so, but GPs only really get 10 mins at a time with you. It takes, weeks, months, years to truly get to know and understand someone. I see why it’s disheartening to be passed around by therapists in your experience with the eating disorders team.

Therapy and healthcare is relational, it’s based on that therapeutic relationship, that is usually what allows someone to feel safe so that the healing can take place ❤️‍🩹

The psychiatrist you highlighted there sounds like they’ve misunderstood you quite significantly.

From your post though, it sounds like you do enjoy your own company, and sometimes it’s about building the right friendships with people. Am I right?

What do you think is contributing to you feeling so upset and tearful at the moment? Are there any particular triggers, or any stressors in your life atm?

Following

I didn't actually speak to my housing officer today. I got my wires crossed and she visited my home but not me (long story).

I have emailed her though. She doesn't often reply but that doesn't mean she's not doing anything.

Also, sorry if I missed this, but what is your support network like? What are your hobbies, interests?

Remember, therapy, medication… they are only parts of the jigsaw of mental health. They cannot cure us alone. They are forms of assistance. ❤️‍🩹

Ouch. I feel for you OP, my heart goes out to you. You sound really lovely from your posts. I wish you so much love!

No therapist should share statements like “I will never leave you.” Very unprofessional and also unrealistic. Not a good way of managing expectations.

I feel like you need a really, really effective psychiatrist. It sounds to me like you may need a medication review and thorough assessment. Could there be a dependent personality disorder going on… just going off of what you described from your dad and maybe a preoccupation with abandonment. I would try to find a therapist who specialises in this, and really work on it.

As someone who’s been in therapy before with multiple therapists, something that helps me is to reflect on the positives I took away from each episode of therapy. E.g. I saw a lovely counsellor once who I felt really just accepted me for who I was when I was living at home and having issues with my mom. I’m currently seeing a lovely one at the moment who is actually very practical and assertive. So I’m seeing each as a chapter in my story and I’ve learnt something about myself from each one, and each time I’ve got a different gift.

Whilst current counsellor is leaving (not you) just leaving (remember that), what have you gained in your time working with her? Remind yourself that she is leaving (likely temporarily) due to life changes, and actually, that’s nothing to do with you. She still valued you during the time she worked with you.

I am so sorry you're struggling and have been rejected by CMHT.

I'm doing ok, my situation isn't going to resolve itself very quickly so I have to just buckle down to it.

I have had a bit of sleep, but my neighbours aren't making it easy either. I am seeing my housing officer tomorrow so I'll mention it to her.