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Original poster

AIBU to feel this devastated? I just want this pain to go

292 replies

Hamandcrispsandwich · 09/06/2026 10:55

Hello,
I just want to start by saying I'm not in any way a cruel or malicious person, so please don't think I am.
I am currently in a terrible way mentally and I need someone or something to pull me out of it. I have depression, anxiety and a severe, chronic eating disorder. I have had years of therapy, psychiatrists, psychologists etc and EVERY SINGLE ONE has passed me on to someone else to "deal with" because I'm "too complex"
I've never had a level of consistency that I so deeply crave. Ive always been abandoned because something better has come along. I do have a job and a few weeks ago, one of my clients got drunk and was horrendously abusive to me over the phone. They told me I'm disgusting, I make them feel sick and why are people like me even alive, I have no purpose etc. I quickly terminated that, but please understand that these are all things I think about myself, but hearing it from someone else deeply hurt.

Now, I've had a therapist for 2 years. I started to feel able to open up fully this year, which I have done and she said "I promise you I won't leave you" consistently over these few months. Fast forward to my last session and she's leaving. We have one more session and she's leaving to have a baby, so I will be passed on to someone else again.
I am broken. I cannot tell you the level of devastation I feel. I haven't eaten a meal since we spoke, i keep crying all throughout the day and I absolutely hate myself for it.
I am so happy for her, I really am thrilled that she is having a baby, but this is completely overtaken by my own feelings and I don't know what to do.

  1. I will never have a baby or family of my own, but it is something I've always craved, however, I have to accept I can never have it and now she does.
  2. Once again, something better has come along and I have to just accept it and understand that I'll never be of any value in others lives.
  3. I am being handed to someone else who doesn't particularly want me
  4. I have to accept that I am disposable and easily replaceable and always will be.

Please do understand that I really am a kind, caring, gentle person and I don't know why this keeps happening to me. I just don't know how to get out of it. All I want is to not feel this sad. I wish I could make this pain and mental distress go away, but I don't know how to do that. I have to stay alive because there are people relying on me and i dont want to cause them any upset. I can't tell anyone in real life because they'll think I'm pathetic, which I know I am, but I just find this pain unbearable. I've had years of this and finally thought it wouldn't happen again but here i am. I thought I'd find it easier, but this is the hardest.

This is all my own fault. She's handled this as best she can. She as the only one willing to try with me, so I am forever grateful, but I feel so defeated and I just need this pain to go. I have a headache, I feel sick, all I do is cry or lie in my bed like the waste of existence I am, I can't eat, can't sleep and I just feel like I'm a complete and utter waste of oxygen.

Thank you for reading and for any replies. I'm currently lying in bed, so I'll respond to anything when I get up (IF I fall asleep) x

OP posts:
Original poster
Hamandcrispsandwich · 31/07/2026 22:24

HidingFromSunshine · 31/07/2026 21:50

Again I know exactly what you mean. How do you have to make appointments at your doctors?
mine, you fill out a form online. Which makes it easier explaining extra things I probably wouldn’t over the phone.

Show quote history

Hey,

I can make appointments via an online form and I can call. They are very accommodating with me. If I call and say I need an appointment, they will get me one. They know I can only see female doctors as well - not all of them though. If it came to examinations, I really don't know who I would see because I can't stand being touched.

I also don't have to give much info to the receptionists as they know how I am. I am able to give very little information and they still book me in. We can also have appointments on the day as they have a walk in service x

OP posts:
HidingFromSunshine · 31/07/2026 21:50

Hamandcrispsandwich · 30/07/2026 19:22

Thank you so much.
I will make the appointment, I just don't know when. I know I need to make it as soon as possible, but it's the thought of someone in close proximity to me putting me off.

I don't like people in my space. I don't particularly like them touching me either. I know it's medical, but when people have had their hands on you against your wishes before, it is something I will always avoid. I'm okay with people touching below my knee or my arms, but anywhere else is absolutely off the cards.

I hope everyone else is doing well x

Show quote history

Again I know exactly what you mean. How do you have to make appointments at your doctors?
mine, you fill out a form online. Which makes it easier explaining extra things I probably wouldn’t over the phone.

Original poster
Hamandcrispsandwich · 31/07/2026 21:18

TheMoonIsMyFavourite · 30/07/2026 21:21

DD will bake pretty much anything, she loves brownies and scones best but will eat anything. She's a very good cook but needs a lot of help still given she's 12.

I'm sorry to read about your lump discovery. I to would avoid the GP surgery for fear of burdening them. For what it's worth I don't think you're burdening them but if it helps tell yourself that you'll call the surgery or mention it to the doctor next time she calls and let them decide if they need to see you.

Show quote history

That sounds lovely. She sounds like a great baker - bless her. It's great that she has something she enjoys.

I didn't call the GP today. I should have, but I didn't. I was pretty tied up with work though, so that could be why. I also had to work later than usual.
I will see if I can give them a call on Monday. I don't think it's anything serious. It's tender when pressed but there are no other symptoms. I can see it visibly though, so I'll have to get it checked at some point.

Hope everyone is doing well x

OP posts:
TheMoonIsMyFavourite · 30/07/2026 21:21

Hamandcrispsandwich · 28/07/2026 23:10

That sounds lovely - you and DD sound like you had great fun.

What does DD like baking?
I bet you're both very good at it - the bonus is that you get to enjoy what you've made at the end of it x

Show quote history

DD will bake pretty much anything, she loves brownies and scones best but will eat anything. She's a very good cook but needs a lot of help still given she's 12.

I'm sorry to read about your lump discovery. I to would avoid the GP surgery for fear of burdening them. For what it's worth I don't think you're burdening them but if it helps tell yourself that you'll call the surgery or mention it to the doctor next time she calls and let them decide if they need to see you.

Original poster
Hamandcrispsandwich · 30/07/2026 19:22

HidingFromSunshine · 30/07/2026 12:50

Oh darling.
I know what you mean about feeling like your taking the place of someone who needs it more.
But you are not, this is their job, as yours is caring for others. If you need to, think of it as ensuring your well to help those who you care for.
please make that appointment to get it looked at.

Thank you so much.
I will make the appointment, I just don't know when. I know I need to make it as soon as possible, but it's the thought of someone in close proximity to me putting me off.

I don't like people in my space. I don't particularly like them touching me either. I know it's medical, but when people have had their hands on you against your wishes before, it is something I will always avoid. I'm okay with people touching below my knee or my arms, but anywhere else is absolutely off the cards.

I hope everyone else is doing well x

OP posts:
Original poster
Hamandcrispsandwich · 30/07/2026 19:17

ButcherFaker · 29/07/2026 23:55

Try not to worry too much @Hamandcrispsandwich as it is most likely nothing sinister. Hopefully it can be investigated quickly although I understand that it is a very stressful process for you.

Goats do make wonderful pets but they are herd animals so shouldn’t be kept alone. They are real characters and always keen to be stroked and petted

Show quote history

I know it's probably nothing, which is what makes me think I should not bother putting myself through the stress of getting it seen too, although I know I really should.

This is something I'd do with my therapist - we'd make the call for the GP together and I'd have an appointment with her on the same day/next day.
Unfortunately, tomorrow will be a whole 4 weeks since I last saw her. I really do wonder how she is. I hope she's well.

Goats sound like such fun pets. I'd love to pet one. I also love alpacas. How many goats do you have? X

OP posts:
HidingFromSunshine · 30/07/2026 12:50

Oh darling.
I know what you mean about feeling like your taking the place of someone who needs it more.
But you are not, this is their job, as yours is caring for others. If you need to, think of it as ensuring your well to help those who you care for.
please make that appointment to get it looked at.

ButcherFaker · 29/07/2026 23:55

Hamandcrispsandwich · 29/07/2026 22:28

Thank you all so, so much for your lovely words.
It does mean so very much to me and none of it goes unnoticed.

I thought I was doing better, but things have taken a bit of a turn and now I've found a lump.

I know I'll have to get it checked, but the thought of it makes me feel sick. Not only does a doctor have to have precious time taken up to see the likes of me when they are so busy and have such high demand, they also have to see my body. I know they don't look at it in any way and it's not an issue for them, but it is for me.
I do not like people looking or touching me in any way and again, it's out of my control. I also don't like leaving my house, but yet again, I'll have no choice.
Firstly, I lose my therapist, then my ex client attacks me verbally for a second time and now this.

All I want is a break. I'm not worried about me, I'm worried about others that will be affected if I were to be unwell. If my therapist were here, I think I'd feel much more mentally and emotionally strong to deal with this.

I do have to say, a goat sounds like a brilliant pet. I've always wanted one!

Try not to worry too much @Hamandcrispsandwich as it is most likely nothing sinister. Hopefully it can be investigated quickly although I understand that it is a very stressful process for you.

Goats do make wonderful pets but they are herd animals so shouldn’t be kept alone. They are real characters and always keen to be stroked and petted

Original poster
Hamandcrispsandwich · 29/07/2026 22:28

Thank you all so, so much for your lovely words.
It does mean so very much to me and none of it goes unnoticed.

I thought I was doing better, but things have taken a bit of a turn and now I've found a lump.

I know I'll have to get it checked, but the thought of it makes me feel sick. Not only does a doctor have to have precious time taken up to see the likes of me when they are so busy and have such high demand, they also have to see my body. I know they don't look at it in any way and it's not an issue for them, but it is for me.
I do not like people looking or touching me in any way and again, it's out of my control. I also don't like leaving my house, but yet again, I'll have no choice.
Firstly, I lose my therapist, then my ex client attacks me verbally for a second time and now this.

All I want is a break. I'm not worried about me, I'm worried about others that will be affected if I were to be unwell. If my therapist were here, I think I'd feel much more mentally and emotionally strong to deal with this.

I do have to say, a goat sounds like a brilliant pet. I've always wanted one!

OP posts:
ButcherFaker · 29/07/2026 11:56

Hamandcrispsandwich · 28/07/2026 23:33

I've not cared much for myself for a while. In order for me to eat, I have to be very, very hungry and even then, I only eat a small amount, just until I'm a little full.
I really, really don't like myself - I find it very difficult that I'm alive and my two lovely friends aren't.

I've not liked myself for a long, long time. I feel like I take up too much space in the world. If I were to go on the bus, I would feel like nobody would want to sit next to me. I would feel like I'm taking up too much space and there are many, many more deserving people in the world.
Sometimes I feel like the world is too big for me, but other times, I'm too big for the world as in I take up too much space.

That sounds wonderful - what pets do you have? Animals bring such beautiful, pure joy to the lives of others.
Is there anyone who could perhaps book the appointment for you? Is there anything anyone can do to help you through this? Please look after yourself, you really do deserve it.
I haven't heard from anyone as of yet, so I'm just waiting.

I don't particularly enjoy leaving my house. I'm very safe in my house. I don't take up too much space in the world when I'm shielded from it. I'm also protected from everything. I feel almost in a bubble. I only like leaving my house when I have somewhere "safe" to go, like to see my therapist, a hospital, the GP surgery. I could never just "go out for a walk" unless I'm leaving my house (a place of safety) to go to another place of safety.

Hope you have had a good day x

Show quote history

I hate myself too. It sounds reasonable for me to say that about myself but it’s so upsetting to hear you say that when you are clearly a kind and intelligent woman with so much to offer to the world.

I think your opinion of yourself is affected by your lack of nutrition but I understand that it is such a complicated illness. Please try to be at least a little kinder to yourself, you deserve that.

We have goats, chickens and dogs. They give us such joy and unconditional love.

ButcherFaker · 29/07/2026 11:49

OldwiseOwl · 29/07/2026 09:51

Hello @Hamandcrispsandwich and anyone else watching this thread. Thank you for keeping us updated with how things are going for you. You describe things so well and I hope I speak for most of us who want to see things improve for you so you have the peace and quality of life that you deserve.

What a lovely, kind post

HidingFromSunshine · 29/07/2026 10:02

Darling. I could have written your words about space.
the phrase I would use with my therapist is “I’m a waste of the worlds resources keeping me alive”. I also feel an inconvenience to everyone, e.g if someone beeps behind me I will crumble and have suicidal thoughts because if I didn’t exist they wouldn’t have got that annoyed. Even though I can rationalise it that actually, I’d done nothing wrong they are just a twat. The thoughts persist.
I don’t know what brings me joy, I’ve spent my life considering others to such a degree I’ve no idea who or what I am anymore.

i completely understand where you are and where your coming from. Life like this is tiring and hard isn’t it?

OldwiseOwl · 29/07/2026 09:51

Hello @Hamandcrispsandwich and anyone else watching this thread. Thank you for keeping us updated with how things are going for you. You describe things so well and I hope I speak for most of us who want to see things improve for you so you have the peace and quality of life that you deserve.

Original poster
Hamandcrispsandwich · 28/07/2026 23:33

ButcherFaker · 28/07/2026 00:30

Hi @Hamandcrispsandwich, it breaks my heart that you “occasionally eat”. Why do you care so little for yourself?

I’m doing OK at the moment. I’m finding that keeping physically very busy is helping my mood. We have a long list of jobs that need doing in the house and garden and it is satisfying gradually sorting out the chaos. I’m also spending a lot of time with our pets and that is therapeutic.

I haven’t been able to book an appointment with the new psychiatrist though, so it’s just a matter of time til that causes serious issues with my sick pay. My self destructive streak is alive and well.

Do you get any enjoyment from getting outside in nature?

Show quote history

I've not cared much for myself for a while. In order for me to eat, I have to be very, very hungry and even then, I only eat a small amount, just until I'm a little full.
I really, really don't like myself - I find it very difficult that I'm alive and my two lovely friends aren't.

I've not liked myself for a long, long time. I feel like I take up too much space in the world. If I were to go on the bus, I would feel like nobody would want to sit next to me. I would feel like I'm taking up too much space and there are many, many more deserving people in the world.
Sometimes I feel like the world is too big for me, but other times, I'm too big for the world as in I take up too much space.

That sounds wonderful - what pets do you have? Animals bring such beautiful, pure joy to the lives of others.
Is there anyone who could perhaps book the appointment for you? Is there anything anyone can do to help you through this? Please look after yourself, you really do deserve it.
I haven't heard from anyone as of yet, so I'm just waiting.

I don't particularly enjoy leaving my house. I'm very safe in my house. I don't take up too much space in the world when I'm shielded from it. I'm also protected from everything. I feel almost in a bubble. I only like leaving my house when I have somewhere "safe" to go, like to see my therapist, a hospital, the GP surgery. I could never just "go out for a walk" unless I'm leaving my house (a place of safety) to go to another place of safety.

Hope you have had a good day x

OP posts:
Original poster
Hamandcrispsandwich · 28/07/2026 23:10

TheMoonIsMyFavourite · 27/07/2026 22:29

I;m so sorry that happened to you. That's awful.

I'm ok, I've seen my DD today and we had a baking day, we've made all sorts. I had a new kitchen a few weeks ago (still recovering from the distruption) and you now can't tell due to the amount of flour, smears of butter/chocolate and just the amount of bashing it's had.

Show quote history

That sounds lovely - you and DD sound like you had great fun.

What does DD like baking?
I bet you're both very good at it - the bonus is that you get to enjoy what you've made at the end of it x

OP posts:
ButcherFaker · 28/07/2026 00:30

Hamandcrispsandwich · 27/07/2026 21:14

Hello,

Yes I do have caring responsibilities, both as part of my job as well as in my personal life. The majority of my life is spent caring for others. It is rewarding, however, I got a whole load of abuse from an ex client again today (the same one I mentioned in my OP) which I expected, but wasn't prepared for the vicious words thrown at me. Due to this, I'm now in a position where I don't want to leave my house again, at all, due to fear of bumping into them again.

I am someone who avoids confrontation. I will do ANYTHING to avoid an argument. If someone starts one with me, I just stand there. I don't do anything. If someone hit me, I probably wouldn't do anything either. I don't defend myself or anything. I just freeze.

I don't really do much to care for myself. I'll occasionally eat, but I can't think of anything else I do regularly for myself. I do like caring for others, which is something I've always enjoyed, since I was very young.

How is everyone doing? I hope everyone is well x

Hi @Hamandcrispsandwich, it breaks my heart that you “occasionally eat”. Why do you care so little for yourself?

I’m doing OK at the moment. I’m finding that keeping physically very busy is helping my mood. We have a long list of jobs that need doing in the house and garden and it is satisfying gradually sorting out the chaos. I’m also spending a lot of time with our pets and that is therapeutic.

I haven’t been able to book an appointment with the new psychiatrist though, so it’s just a matter of time til that causes serious issues with my sick pay. My self destructive streak is alive and well.

Do you get any enjoyment from getting outside in nature?

TheMoonIsMyFavourite · 27/07/2026 22:29

Hamandcrispsandwich · 27/07/2026 21:14

Hello,

Yes I do have caring responsibilities, both as part of my job as well as in my personal life. The majority of my life is spent caring for others. It is rewarding, however, I got a whole load of abuse from an ex client again today (the same one I mentioned in my OP) which I expected, but wasn't prepared for the vicious words thrown at me. Due to this, I'm now in a position where I don't want to leave my house again, at all, due to fear of bumping into them again.

I am someone who avoids confrontation. I will do ANYTHING to avoid an argument. If someone starts one with me, I just stand there. I don't do anything. If someone hit me, I probably wouldn't do anything either. I don't defend myself or anything. I just freeze.

I don't really do much to care for myself. I'll occasionally eat, but I can't think of anything else I do regularly for myself. I do like caring for others, which is something I've always enjoyed, since I was very young.

How is everyone doing? I hope everyone is well x

I;m so sorry that happened to you. That's awful.

I'm ok, I've seen my DD today and we had a baking day, we've made all sorts. I had a new kitchen a few weeks ago (still recovering from the distruption) and you now can't tell due to the amount of flour, smears of butter/chocolate and just the amount of bashing it's had.

Original poster
Hamandcrispsandwich · 27/07/2026 21:14

Hello,

Yes I do have caring responsibilities, both as part of my job as well as in my personal life. The majority of my life is spent caring for others. It is rewarding, however, I got a whole load of abuse from an ex client again today (the same one I mentioned in my OP) which I expected, but wasn't prepared for the vicious words thrown at me. Due to this, I'm now in a position where I don't want to leave my house again, at all, due to fear of bumping into them again.

I am someone who avoids confrontation. I will do ANYTHING to avoid an argument. If someone starts one with me, I just stand there. I don't do anything. If someone hit me, I probably wouldn't do anything either. I don't defend myself or anything. I just freeze.

I don't really do much to care for myself. I'll occasionally eat, but I can't think of anything else I do regularly for myself. I do like caring for others, which is something I've always enjoyed, since I was very young.

How is everyone doing? I hope everyone is well x

OP posts:
stormystormy · 27/07/2026 15:00

ClassyJen
I do understand your sentiment about helping others. It's something I'm considering myself but it isn't that straightforward unfortunately.
It sounds as if Hamandcrisp already does some kind of caring work.
I did too for a while and it can feel rewarding and yes ham, I also had individuals who would hurl abuse at me though thankfully not frequently.
Its so very hard when you feel like no-one cares for you. Giving and more giving. And quite often the most difficult people to care for are ourselves.

ButcherFaker · 27/07/2026 13:16

ClassyJen · 26/07/2026 09:00

There is a useful quote by the Dalai Lama which says:

'If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.'

It would be genuinely helpful to find a way to stop obsessively thinking so much about you and what others think of you.

Honestly, finding a way to regularly help someone else is the absolute best shortcut to genuine joy and may help with your own self-opinion.

Find something you can commit to regularly in the community or a charity and this will help you refocus your mind and give you some new purpose

Show quote history

Hopefully you didn’t mean it that way but this comes across as quite judgemental.
I think @Hamandcrispsandwich alreadiy has caring responsibilities, not sure if that is her job or personally, so she already helps others.

ClassyJen · 26/07/2026 09:00

Hamandcrispsandwich · 09/06/2026 10:55

Hello,
I just want to start by saying I'm not in any way a cruel or malicious person, so please don't think I am.
I am currently in a terrible way mentally and I need someone or something to pull me out of it. I have depression, anxiety and a severe, chronic eating disorder. I have had years of therapy, psychiatrists, psychologists etc and EVERY SINGLE ONE has passed me on to someone else to "deal with" because I'm "too complex"
I've never had a level of consistency that I so deeply crave. Ive always been abandoned because something better has come along. I do have a job and a few weeks ago, one of my clients got drunk and was horrendously abusive to me over the phone. They told me I'm disgusting, I make them feel sick and why are people like me even alive, I have no purpose etc. I quickly terminated that, but please understand that these are all things I think about myself, but hearing it from someone else deeply hurt.

Now, I've had a therapist for 2 years. I started to feel able to open up fully this year, which I have done and she said "I promise you I won't leave you" consistently over these few months. Fast forward to my last session and she's leaving. We have one more session and she's leaving to have a baby, so I will be passed on to someone else again.
I am broken. I cannot tell you the level of devastation I feel. I haven't eaten a meal since we spoke, i keep crying all throughout the day and I absolutely hate myself for it.
I am so happy for her, I really am thrilled that she is having a baby, but this is completely overtaken by my own feelings and I don't know what to do.

  1. I will never have a baby or family of my own, but it is something I've always craved, however, I have to accept I can never have it and now she does.
  2. Once again, something better has come along and I have to just accept it and understand that I'll never be of any value in others lives.
  3. I am being handed to someone else who doesn't particularly want me
  4. I have to accept that I am disposable and easily replaceable and always will be.

Please do understand that I really am a kind, caring, gentle person and I don't know why this keeps happening to me. I just don't know how to get out of it. All I want is to not feel this sad. I wish I could make this pain and mental distress go away, but I don't know how to do that. I have to stay alive because there are people relying on me and i dont want to cause them any upset. I can't tell anyone in real life because they'll think I'm pathetic, which I know I am, but I just find this pain unbearable. I've had years of this and finally thought it wouldn't happen again but here i am. I thought I'd find it easier, but this is the hardest.

This is all my own fault. She's handled this as best she can. She as the only one willing to try with me, so I am forever grateful, but I feel so defeated and I just need this pain to go. I have a headache, I feel sick, all I do is cry or lie in my bed like the waste of existence I am, I can't eat, can't sleep and I just feel like I'm a complete and utter waste of oxygen.

Thank you for reading and for any replies. I'm currently lying in bed, so I'll respond to anything when I get up (IF I fall asleep) x

There is a useful quote by the Dalai Lama which says:

'If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.'

It would be genuinely helpful to find a way to stop obsessively thinking so much about you and what others think of you.

Honestly, finding a way to regularly help someone else is the absolute best shortcut to genuine joy and may help with your own self-opinion.

Find something you can commit to regularly in the community or a charity and this will help you refocus your mind and give you some new purpose

Original poster
Hamandcrispsandwich · 25/07/2026 23:02

TheMoonIsMyFavourite · 25/07/2026 16:49

I understand, I do. I used to be so convinced people would leave me that I stopped getting attached, so when they inevitably go I am not upset. It has made things incredibly difficult in other ways for me, it's made friendships and professional relationships difficult, to the point my housing officer and MH practitioner where showing me they'd extended their employment contracts and that I still lived within their catchment/patch so they could still see me. They didn't promise they'd stay but they did promise that while their life remains as is now they will stay. It didn't reassure me, but I am slowly trusting them.

I'm doing ok, managed to get out today and ended up babysitting for a friend, for free of course, but I did take advantage of the fact she has Guinea Pigs who love a cuddle. Friends DD was playing on her tablet for the entire time, so I had Guinea Pig cuddles - my friend is fine with me handling them.

That made me feel better.

Show quote history

It does make aspects of life very difficult.
Although I have the same GP every time I go, I still don't believe she will stay.
I am adamant she's planning to leave but doesn't want to tell me, so she'll just go, which is why I keep my distance. She's lovely, has been there MANY years and is unlikely to go anywhere any time soon, but in my head, she's either going to move house or get a new job elsewhere.

I never call the surgery to make an appointment because I always think they'll tell me she's gone, so she calls me every few weeks. If she didn't, I'd easily fall under the radar.

Guinea pig cuddles sound lovely. I've never actually held a Guinea pig before - I have a hamster when I was very young though. It sounds like you had a lovely day, getting out, seeing your friends DD and having cuddles with the Guinea pigs. I can imagine that would make many people smile.

I hope you're still smiling x

OP posts:
Original poster
Hamandcrispsandwich · 25/07/2026 22:53

DisappearingGirl · 25/07/2026 12:46

OP you sound lovely and I really feel for you. I'm going to make a suggestion, don't know if it's helpful or not. I think the NHS, especially MH services, can be a bit "computer says no". It also operates in silos for different conditions, so if you have multiple or complex conditions it can feel like you're being passed around. This is no good for MH conditions where the therapeutic relationship is so important. I've seen/heard this many times, it's not due to some failing on your part, it's just the system.

I know you've said you're happy to be alone but it's clear from how much you miss your therapist that having some key human relationships is beneficial for you. I know it's very easy to just say "join a group". But I've done some (limited) work in the past with community wellbeing organisations in my city that are set up for exactly this purpose - to provide a community hub for people who are vulnerable in some way and need some support and warmth in their lives more than they need medical treatment. The services I worked with were very much built on a model of providing a range of options, not saying "you must do this", and slowly building relationships with people. These options ranged from classes (cooking, life skills, gardening etc) to specific support services (stop smoking, counselling etc) and drop ins, tea and cake, walking etc.

The people attending were "vulnerable" for a variety of reasons - e.g. some were well-educated and self-sufficient but became lonely due to e.g. being a carer or their spouse dying.

I just wonder if making yourself try something like this would give you a "back up" so you're less reliant on a therapist and less scared of them leaving. The staff at our centres did say sometimes people will come along, then leave, then come back in a year - it was very much a case of being there for when people are ready. If you try it and don't like it, you can always try a different thing at a later date. And no silly rules that you can't join based on your BMI or whatever.

Something to think about anyway.

Hello,

Thank you so much. You're right, I do miss her very, very much.
I did look into some near me before actually, but there was a criteria unfortunately.
I will definitely have a look again and see what's about.
Most of them where I live have a criteria, but I can only look again and see. I did a gardening scheme before, but I can't do that again because I've already done it.

Perhaps I will think about going to the library where I live. That might be a nice idea.

I do very much appreciate all of your suggestions and they are something I am looking into trying. I just need to build up the courage to actually step out of my front door first.

How are you doing?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hamandcrispsandwich · 25/07/2026 22:45

ButcherFaker · 24/07/2026 21:55

Does that seem like a feasible goal to aim towards, as having children is so important to you?

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It does, however, for me, it would have to be fully planned beforehand.
The reason being I gained a significant amount of weight once, when a psychiatrist told me if I did, they'd offer me treatment. I tried SO hard, gained some (not my full weight) and as soon as I reached the goal they'd set for me, I was discharged.

That has never, ever left me and now, I want do anything, even if its for me, unless it is fully planned out. Maybe it's something I could think about.

How are you doing? x

OP posts:
TheMoonIsMyFavourite · 25/07/2026 16:49

Hamandcrispsandwich · 22/07/2026 20:02

I honestly didn't think you were, I just wanted to try and explain the best I could!
It's so difficult for others to understand how I think.

How are you doing?

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I understand, I do. I used to be so convinced people would leave me that I stopped getting attached, so when they inevitably go I am not upset. It has made things incredibly difficult in other ways for me, it's made friendships and professional relationships difficult, to the point my housing officer and MH practitioner where showing me they'd extended their employment contracts and that I still lived within their catchment/patch so they could still see me. They didn't promise they'd stay but they did promise that while their life remains as is now they will stay. It didn't reassure me, but I am slowly trusting them.

I'm doing ok, managed to get out today and ended up babysitting for a friend, for free of course, but I did take advantage of the fact she has Guinea Pigs who love a cuddle. Friends DD was playing on her tablet for the entire time, so I had Guinea Pig cuddles - my friend is fine with me handling them.

That made me feel better.