AIBU to feel this devastated? I just want this pain to go

This board AIBU is known on MN for being a bit brutal and unsympathetic at times.
If you want a better and kinder response, start a new post on the Mental health board or the Relationships board.

No-one can be that special person who never abandons you, except yourself. The only long-term solution is to trust yourself, love yourself, parent yourself, care for yourself, and be-there for yourself.

I don't know what job you have that allows clients to abuse it's staff members. Presumably the customer didn't get what they wanted which is why they got angry, and some people get nasty when they're drunk. That's why they insulted you not because you're a bad or awful person.

Keep that in mind, that it's the customer and their behaviour that's disgusting not you.

💐

I love James Pennebaker, and that particular exercise is so powerful. He suggests setting aside 20 minutes each day, at the same time and same place if possible and writing every thought or feeling about the situation. It does help take the power out of the feelings and if you look across the 5 days you see changes in the words you use and the strength behind them. It’s so worth doing.

Hello OP. I want to say that I do understand how devastated you feel. The one thing that you’ve relied on to carry you through is being changed. I do understand and I think that PPs who have challenged you anbout how you feel are not helping you in your immediate crisis.

There is something practical that can help you, if you are prepared to put in the work.

A psychologist called James Pennebaker has found that when people spent 4 to 5 days writing around 4 pages a day about a trauma or pain, including deepest thoughts that you might never have never shared with anyone at all, this provides a practical and almost immediate reduction in symptoms and distress. This is true even though doing the writing sometimes makes people cry.

This is a short-term measure, it’s not the same as long-term journalling, though you might in the long run find that helps, too.

This sounds simple, but research has shown that it does work and it certainly won’t do any harm.

I do hope that you come out of this stronger and calmer. You are going through a tough time and I wish you well.

Okay, I have no training or experience of what you describe, but the thing that stands out for me is that you can't make one person (your therapist, in this case), the key to your happiness and equilibrium, because if you do you will always end up being let down. Why? Because people have their own lives and they will make decisions about their lives that will impact you if you are this dependent on them. As you rightly recognise, you are just one patient to your therapist - her relationship with you is entirely professional - and her 'real life' is the one she lives outside work. I appreciate that you say you have nothing else, but that is a really unhealthy way to be and it keeps letting you down, doesn't' it?! You're devastated time and again when your therapist leaves or passes you onto a colleague because they feel they've done all they can and perhaps a new person with a new perspective will be able to help you more.

The key here is to learn to rely on yourself, to build your relationship with yourself, to become more self-sufficient, that way you won't constantly be at the mercy of other people just living their lives and doing what is best for them. No one should be dependent for their happiness on the actions of another person, because it leaves them incredibly vulnerable. You are always going to be unable to control the actions of others, so it really is best to find, work on and then have those inner resources within yourself. And that's true for all of us, whoever we are and whatever our situations are in life

Your therapist is that, your therapist, and this is her work. You can’t be so dependent on one person especially when it’s her job. Have you got someone in your life you could confide in, friend or family member?

Op, I get what you are saying. I used to feel the same way about people/relationships, but unfortunately it is just part of life that people will come and go, no one stays around forever.

I'm so sorry you are struggling so badly and you've been dealt another blow.

Unfortunately, you seem to develop a dependent relationship with your counsellor and that can't happen. It is unhealthy to do so. Your counsellor shouldn't be your life hanger. They are there to support and to help you towards being able to support yourself at some point.

It's a vicious circle. You face challenges in life which means you need a 'saviour' to help you through these, but then you become dependent and that leads to more challenges and that's not healthy.

I'm sorry to hear that you're suffering like this. It must be very hard.

One thing you don't mention though, is medication. Are you taking any to help with depression and anxiety? Would it be worth a trip to the GP to ask for some, or if you are, to ask them to re-evaluate your dosage?

What would happen if you just stopped trying to get validation from others, or therapists? How about you just focused on what you enjoy - like your favourite food and drink, and just chilling out watching a film? Stop trying to analyse everything, and just "be". Would having a pet help?

I get it, the relationship you have with your therapist is pretty unique. Ending it needs careful handling - while she can commit to working with you, life brings its changes. She was very silly to promise never to leave, because realistically that’s just not possible for any therapist.

Is she currently pregnant, visibly so? If so there needed to be a conversation about what would happen when the baby comes as most people will take some kind of maternity leave beyond the statutory leave.

I understand you having complicated feelings about her leaving for something that isn’t part of your future, and for something “better”. This really isn’t a decision that’s about you, how likeable you are, how worthy you are of care or indeed how much she cares about you. It’s a work decision for her and, very gently, you’re part of her working life.

You don’t know that the new person doesn’t want you, they will be able to start afresh taking the learning you’ve had with this therapist into your new working relationship which may start with your feelings about your current person leaving.

I know it’s hard, I have a lot of empathy for how you’re feeling, but it’s really not about you.