AIBU to feel this devastated? I just want this pain to go

I’m sorry you’ve experienced this OP. I would suggest that it’s not you they don’t want to deal with, but it’s the fact that they’re not experienced enough or qualified in the type of therapy that you need as a result of the abuse that you experienced, which is not your fault.
To repeat - they are not rejecting you, or disgusted by you, but I understand why, as a result of your experience that it feels that way.
With regards to going out, could you push yourself to maybe go out for a couple of minutes then come back? Woukd that be tolerable?
I totally get that it feels very uncomfortable and I think, because of trauma, your world feels very small and it’s hard to imagine ever feeling happy, but I hope you can and will, with the right support.

If you think animals would benefit your life, could you volunteer at a pet charity? I used to volunteer at a greyhound rescue on Saturday mornings and I loved the doggie snuggles and a lovely walk in the fresh air with them.

This is just a suggestion, but have you thought about going out walking, if you live near somewhere suitable? (Maybe like a park or something - not necessarily a massive hike in the countryside). I don't know if it would help, it's just a suggestion. I hope things will improve for you soon.

I rejoined MN just to reply to you as I felt it was important.

A similar thing happened to me. My therapist was my everything. She told me we had a special relationship, she would text me regularly, she told me she would be there for me long term. It was a very close bond for several years (and totally inappropriate). But she was my family. Then she announced one day she wasn't well and was off. That was that.

I felt broken by this. I know many wouldn't understand but I experienced abuse growing up and lots of emotional abandonment and like you, I LONGED for someone to turn up and take care of me. The pain was unreal. I felt, too, like I was too much for most. I thought I would just be alone forever.

A few years on, I know that I was too dependent on her (due to the emotional neglect) and that she was not the way out of things. I also finally know that I can help myself and be ok. She was also totally negligent in giving me the impression she would be around long term, but I believe it came from a place of care. There are so many more people out there who can help, but most importantly, you can learn to help and love yourself. And that is better than anyone else doing a poor job of it.

Really we can all only rely on ourselves. Not in a negative sense of people are bad, they aren't, but life involves constant change and everyone is trying to survive in themselves and relying our ourselves brings many positives. You can do this, I know that because I see everything else you have survived. This therapist couldn't ever have been the one to save you because really only you have that power. It took being plunged into being on my own and being very frightened to learn that. I wasted energy begging her to not leave me that could have been poured into loving ME.

You have to get up and out. Connecting with others is essential. I promise many others feel as damaged and flawed as you do, which is why connecting matters so much. There are so many low cost or free things on these days - choirs, sports groups, reading groups, whatever. Pick anything and keep getting out as much as you can. Learn what makes you feel even the tiniest bit better and stick with that. You have to learn to shower yourself with care and compassion and it's a skill we can all learn. I used to go to things in the early days of my loss and feel nothing. I was just in so much pain and wanted my therapist back. Slowly I noticed myself enjoying things. I journalled, eventually I went to a bit more therapy, but have very much kept that in a place of being a tool to support ME, rather than a relationship to look after me. It is so much easier now. I am my own best friend and parent, and I treat myself every chance I get. It took practice.

The loos still hurts on bad days but I recognise now that is a response to a lot of neglect. It's ok to struggle and be human. We all need connection. Mostly though, my life has become really full and happy and I love looking out for myself. For the ED, there is a study just out on how keto has helped people recover (I know it seems v counterintuitive but it's about providing the brain with really intense nourishment and healing it metabolically, it seems). It's worth looking that up (with support from your GP maybe). I think volunteering and feeling needed is also life-saving. So many people out there would love a kind, gentle person helping them, you could do so much good with all your wisdom.

You can do this. I didn't think I could but time is a healer. I think you have all sorts to offer yourself and the world but you need to be very kind to yourself just while you navigate this loss. The real crime is your parent treating you so terribly. Little you didn't deserve that.

You’re not selfish you’re a human carrying trauma and human needs. Sending love in this tough time

I had the most amazing and supportive woman's aid worker for a year. We had in person sessions mostly and usually a call or two in-between. She helped massively with post seperation abuse and family court. She left abruptly and I didn't even know why or get to say bye. No idea if it was a new job, illness, family circumstances etc.

It was really devastating at the time, but actually now I can see it was a good thing. I had become too dependent on her and it wasn't really healthy.

Time limited therapy and similar services is much more common now and I can see why. It's not just about allocating realises but also trying to prevent dependency.

If you have time volunteering is the best thing I've found to help. That and outdoor activities.

Have you ever written a letter to your Father telling him just how much of a wanker he was?

You could pour out all your rage (and if you don't feel Rage perhaps that's where your "stuck").

It doesn't matter if he's now dead (hurrah!) Or will never read your letter. Just get it all out of you where it's festering.

Finding your Rage may be the key to your freedom from his continuing abuse - because he's still in your head.

Perhaps discuss how you feel and why
Is there another medication to help?
Like for all of us in the end we are all only reliant on yourself whoever is in our life.
While i can not fully understand for yourself finding small pleasures is something you could try..hobbies..pet?
Feeling anxious about a change when they could be perfectly fine must be exhausting.
Have you discussed trying to look and move past this only enjoyment with your current therapist.
I am sure asking your gp about possible changes or other options of you are so.miserable is worth while.

Your childhood, and father especially, had made you extra sensitive to feeling abandoned.

Your therapist isn't abandoning you.
She leaving to have a baby.
That's no relection on you at all.

A lot of what you are telling yourself just isn't true.

You're not a bad or nasty person - your post alone demonstrates that you are happy for your therapist and also you references to prople who depend on you.

People aren't abandoning you - people move due to life circumstances, lack of time etc. Again it's not a reflection you.

You don't know the replacement doesn't want to deal with you. In fact, the majority of people like new clients, new customers etc.

Do one thing each day that you enjoy.
Tell yourself one positive thing about yourself every day.
Start slowly and build it up.

Your view of you isn't the same as others.

From your post you are kind, articulate - do you realise that? Yes, you are dealing with difficulties but it doesn't take away from the fact you are a decent person. I wish you could see that.

OP it makes sense that this feels really difficult and devastating because you’re losing someone who felt safe. Has your therapist discussed a transition plan with you. I appreciate you only have one more session with her, but could you call or email and ask her that you would like to discuss this next session?

You feeling the way you do isn’t a sign of weakness - it shows how much you survived and you absolutely have survived a horrible, abusive father.
i’m not a therapist, but it sounds like you have attachment trauma, which is unsurprising because your father told you that everyone leaves because you’re not ‘good enough’. That isn’t true, but I understand why it feels like this.

You say you don’t enjoy anything - it sounds like you feel emotionally numb, again, completely understandable.
Can you try to change this a little bit by asking yourself
Whar tiny thing feels least awful?
What is comfortable, rather than exciting?
What is tolerable for a few minutes?

and gradually explore these things to start to give yourself more focus on other things.

You’ve been through a lot and it may be worth thinking about the fact that joy might feel far away, but that’s ok - it can come later. I wish you future peace and safety.

I think when we’re severely depressed, traumatised etc, it’s very easy (if not unavoidable, really) to slip into a “me me me” state. It’s just impossible to see beyond the pain, it’s all consuming and it feeds itself. You just get completely wrapped up in it.

My suggestion would be to try and focus on others. Volunteer somewhere, be of service, get out of your own head.

It wasn’t quite like that but for me my main healing (of sorts, I still had counselling much later on) was when my circumstances changed so severely that I simply did not have the option to wallow. I was on automatic mode for a couple years and it was awful in a way, but it also made me get out of a massive pit of nothingness.

You don't sound nasty or selfish. You have a history of trauma and emotional abuse and as a consequence low self-worth. Therapist should never say things like I'll never leave you, because they can't promise that and also the aim of therapy is to help the client to become more independent with a more internal locus of evaluation, rather than seeking validation externally and becoming dependend on others. But it can take a long time in therapy for more self-acceptance and self-compassion to emerge etc. Your feelings are valid. Be kind to yourself.

You don't sound selfish or even that you are wishing her anything bad.

You sound that you are taking things too personally. Her having a baby is not about you, it's not about your worth, your position, it literally has nothing to do with you whatsoever.

You might as well take a rainstorm or a heatwave personally.

How active are you? If your therapist could guide you towards heavy physical activity of some kind (work, sport, some volunteering hobby), time to get you out of your own head and better than sleeping all day .

I am not saying physical activity heals everything, I am not saying that at all, but it has benefits to help, and is a good addition.

I’m so sorry you’re in such pain. You are none of those things you think you are.

Congratulations on holding down a job. Not many could manage that with the mental health situation you describe. That alone should offer some proof that you’re not as useless as you’ve convinced yourself you are.

Can I ask your age?

Do you have any outside space in your flat? There was a study done a while ago that even just caring for a houseplant can make a difference. This was about depressed and isolated elderly people, so perhaps not too relevant to you. Have you been able to try a community garden or a gardening for mental health scheme?

It’s not about being good at writing I assure you. It is purely and simply about writing your pain down. Do this for no more than 5 days: there are reasons for that restriction.

Just commit to it and do it!

You’re not alone xx

Do try writing and journalling, it's really helpful and long term it helps give you new perspectives too so it's not just cathartic, it goes deeper than that.
And let me just say you actually write extremely well: you are clear and eloquent and your writing has meaning and structure, so it's something you're already objectively good at as well as it being subjectively helpful.

I resonate with a lot of what you say. Also I had, many years ago, a therapist who stopped working and I felt completely broken by it.
And then recently- probably 40 years later - I was doing therapy again and my therapist said he was leaving the town I live in, he told me because I was discussing having a break and returning and he was letting me know the returning bit might not be possible. And, much as I really love working with him and have a great bond, this time I was fine. Not delighted but fine. I have something now inside me that I didn't have back then and that I have somehow grown almost without noticing that it happened
So please hang in there. And write. And know that, whatever you and your life look like, you matter just as much as anyone else. 💐

OP we are all, when it really comes down to it, alone. We can only inhabit our own bodies and brains.

I wonder why you are so dependant on others to validate your existence? In life we meet people, a very few are with us for a long time, most relationships are temporary. Lots of people will hurt you, intentionally or inadvertently.

Does nothing give you joy? Walking in the countryside, gardening, painting or drawing, looking at Art etc etc

We dont exist for a long time and while you never asked to be here, what stops you from enjoying aspects of Life?