AIBU to feel this devastated? I just want this pain to go

OP, you have had lots of compassionate and helpful replies, and have focused in on the one critical one. You are very sensitive to criticism and rejection, I agree with the other poster that said start reading around rejection sensitive dysphoria, books on MH and eating disorders, and start finding some chinks of light for yourself.

It's fine to be distressed about this therapist leaving, the chaos of the NHS makes people feel worse often. That said, you know you can bond with someone and they can help you- I think the signs of shifting your thinking will come over time.

Op, I completely sympathise with you. 💐

It’s an awful shock and you wouldn’t be human if you weren’t a bit taken aback. These things happen.

It’s worth considering that what you’re uncertain about with a new therapist - specifically the worrying stuff cos it’s natural to worry when there’s a change - won’t happen. We automatically think the worst, human nature innit. Worst Not true, though.

No reason to think New therapist will be worse or not understand you.

You have every reason to have confidence in the success of the new one - they’re trained, they’ll be briefed at length about you, you’ll grow a bond together.

Being sad about losing a helper is entirely normal but remember the person who made the progress is YOU. You’re getting a new therapist who can and will build on what you’ve done.

Don’t cancel this session @Hamandcrispsandwich I don’t think cocooning yourself will help. Start reading books on anorexia recovery, start deciding how you want to change. Maybe start reading books on autism. Keep up your services but develop your self esteem and self reliance at the same time. You can do this.

They are your therapist not your family.

I also agree you should read about rejection-sensitive dysphoria. Attend the therapy if you can, OP and continue there.

The NHS does not provide continuity of care at all, MH services are overwhelmed and fragmented and you are right people fall down the gaps, Where you are wrong is to think it's something about you. It is not, I don't know anyone who has got a consistent therapeutic input from MH services, adolescent or adult, and it's often more damaging getting promises that are then broken inevitability as there's not enough therapists, pathways or resources. ED services can be great to save your life, but beyond that, for long-term support, I'd try Beat. Or even consider getting a therapist/psychologist privately on a discounted basis who could work with you over the longer term, that's the only thing that has helped the people I know, the NHS has so little to offer.

I think ringing the Samaritains was a good idea, what they are there for and you don't need to stop doing that, that's their job and willingly volunteer to help people exactly like you.

It's a sticking plaster but I would go back to the GP, ask for those referrals even if they take years, discuss meds, and find ways through the everyday yourself- I suggested listening to the Claire Weekes audiobooks as I found this helpful but this could be different for everyone.

Please don’t cancel your last session. It is important for you to go and voice how you are feeling and talk it through with her. These are quite understandable feelings so she won’t be shocked. What have you got to lose?
Also, keep posting here if it helps. That’s what the MH board is for - for people to support each other when they are struggling

It sounds like you might have rejection sensitivity disorder, I was reading about this yesterday as I think I have it (albeit in a milder form). Have you sought any diagnoses? Neurodiversity could also be linked.

That sounds so difficult @Hamandcrispsandwich I’m so sorry you are in that situation.i really do think autism is something you could consider. I don’t know if you know much about it but many autistic people are extremely sensitive, some of them with their senses but some of them emotionally which is what I’m seeing in your words. Also anorexia is very often comorbid in women and girls with autism.

It is so hard for you that you are experiencing all of this but honestly getting to the bottom of your own experiences and learning how best to manage your day to day experiences is always extremely helpful.

I really hope you make progress very soon, you sound like a lovely person and you deserve a nice peaceful life.

That’s so kind of you.
It’s heartbreaking to read how you talk about yourself when you haven’t done anything wrong. It’s quite natural for you to feel devastated by your therapist leaving, it doesn’t make you a nasty or selfish person at all.
You have obviously been so damaged by your abusive childhood but you are still young and there is every hope that you will find another therapist who you can trust and who can help you heal and move forward with your life.
Could you speak to MIND for advice for the best way to get help with your ED and other MH issues. There may be ways that your GP is not aware of. It’s so disgusting that the waiting lists for NHS MH services are so long but there may be options to go out of area to reduce the waits.
You seem like a good and kind person and you deserve so much better for your future.
FWIW, I know how you feel about not enjoying anything as I’m the same. My life just consists of gritting my teeth and forcing myself to get up and keep going.Its relentless and exhausting.

I know how you feel. I’m in a similar position OP. I’ve lost my psychiatrist and my therapist at short notice and I feel like I’m in limbo and not sure how to move forward. I’m in denial and think my psychiatrist will come back even though I know that is irrational.He really looked out for me and now I don’t have any support at all. I’ve been referred to another psychiatrist but I can’t face speaking to anyone else.

@Hamandcrispsandwich have you a diagnosis? There are a few things that really stand out for me from your posts. You sound like a really kind and caring person but with seriously (dangerously) low self esteem and severe abandonment. I really believe these things are fixable because I have experienced similar.

A lot of reading around on topics around these issues can help. Time to really and truly emotionally process that your Dad, like many shit Dads out there, was the problem never you. Time to truly feel his words until they have no power over you anymore and instead time to fill the role of protector to yourself that he could never fill.

It would be great if you could get this from a therapist, however I think a dynamic sets itself up where you go completely dependent in that dyad so actually that does not work for you. I think what would be better is if you could develop that from within.

One last thing you sound like you feel emotions incredibly deeply, that is often linked with neurodivergence, have you considered of that might be a possibility for you?

You do not deserve any of this pain, you are worthy and deserving of love and just because the people in your early life were lacking at showing you that does bid mean that in untrue mind yourself.

OP, I'm sorry you are having such a hard time.

I want to suggest a few things.

First, you are catastrophising. You have done quite well recently, you have been outside to take out the rubbish, been to therapy and you have a job. All these things are things you have accomplished despite your anxiety, ED and so on. You are an articulate person. I also believe every person is valuable in the world. You are, too; you are not exempt from this. You won't convince me you are worthless, you very much are not.

Second, though, I think you are experiencing intense anxiety, possibly OCD and other issues, and it's this that's driving a lot of your fears and behaviours, because your sense of control and safety is quite fragile and you've made your world quite small to gain control of it and now that world itself is rocking. I found, when I was intensely anxious and having difficulties living every moment, that reading the work of Claire Weekes very helpful. She wrote classics like 'Self-help for your nerves' which are also available as audiobooks, and the key thing is that her technique can work on you even if you don't think it will! You can just listen to her audiobooks or read her books and that itself will help your mind even if you don't feel like anything will change. Slowly, over time, it will.

If you are living in a healthy body (which you achieved despite your ED issues), have a job and have been able to bond with someone, those are things you can do again.

I find reading self-help books like the ones I suggested a good way to occupy my mind when it is over-stressed and spiralling, others use music, or writing. The technique of writing every day for 20 minutes a day on the topic most upsetting you, for 5 days (the Pennebaker one) is also good advice. I then tear up the paper and throw it away.

I don't think there is one solution here, it will be a mixture of calming your nervous system down (it's suddenly got activated again by your therapist leaving), time passing, finding things to distract you, going to the new therapist (that's their job, so don't worry about them) and bit by bit things will shift again. It may be worth getting the referral in for the psychiatrist even if you don't get to go for 9 months, that's not a solution for now, but it may be worth discussing different options with your GP/whoever prescribes for you now as well as asking for a referral.

I wish you love and light, OP, it's a hard path but I think you can do it.

Im so sorry you’re going through this. Can I ask what therapy you are having? For trauma I understand it’s very specific. CBT didn’t really work for me, but EMDR was amazing! Talking therapy didn’t work for me either the first time around, but around 4 years later, with a different therapist, it did. Have you read any of the work by Gabor Mate - his work on trauma really helped open my eyes and see myself differently - to be less harsh on myself.
also, Your anxiety sounds like it’s led to agoraphobia, and again, specific treatment is recommended for this. Mental health disorders are absolutely awful, but you sound like you have been through a very difficult childhood and so this is a natural response to very unnatural upbringing. As such, there is nothing wrong with you, it’s what happened to you that was wrong, please try and believe that.

Ah you poor thing OP. You sound like a lovely self-aware person.

As someone else said, maybe it's okay to allow yourself to feel sad - and even angry - about your therapist leaving? I don't mean angry with her, as of course she's done nothing wrong in having a baby. I mean more angry at the universe and the situation. Allow yourself to feel what you're feeling and express it (at least in the privacy of your home). If she was the closest person to you then it's no wonder you feel sad. It's an entirely reasonable feeling. And yes you're part of her work life but I'm sure she also cares about you and will miss working with you. A therapist who felt nothing at all for their clients wouldn't be much of a therapist.

I also think you have reason to be sad/angry about the lack of joined up care available. It's ridiculous that the NHS can't treat you because you have MH issues and an ED. Loads of people must have that combination.

I'm not trying to encourage you to wallow. But I'm also an outwardly "nice, gentle" person with some trauma in my past, and a wise person once told me it was important to find, feel and express my anger. Maybe by shouting, singing, writing, moving, whatever.

Maybe something along the lines of, I'm a fucking nice person, I deserved better than that evil fucker who was my dad, it's shit that my therapist is leaving, it's fucking pathetic that the NHS can't get it together to help me, and finally that person at work today was a total dick. Yeahhhh! (I'm not usually that sweary.) But maybe you can turn your anger away from yourself, which is not where it belongs.

I wish you the best OP.

No one is really normal, I don't think. It's one of the things that has helped me. Lots of people look like they have it together but they are struggling in some way. Lots of people will understand what you've been through. Life would be boring if we were all the same, in any case.

I hear you but we can learn to feel safe in the world again. You've clearly survived a lot. Are you in touch with any peer support online even? There will be some good groups out there on the internet for now. Just knowing others in the same boat can be really comforting.

At the end of the day, exposure to going out is what you need. That's the harsh reality of recovery, there is no shortcut. I get it's extremely hard (at first, it gets easier) but maybe a support worker could help get you out a bit more?

There is no future where you don't ever leave the home and just go out to see a therapist, I can tell you that. That's no life and no good therapist would want to facilitate this. I used to be very scared of people but once you get help around going out, you learn for yourself just how many really nice people there are out there. It's ok to start with small steps - a walk down one street, a walk to one coffee shop that you go to lots of times until your nervous system calms down and learns its safe, one trip out to one nice painting or pilates class or something similar. You can take it slow. But this is the key to life having meaning again and actual joy in it. I had to walk this path and it was so hard but I look back and realise my own brain was locking me in and so much of the fear wasn't needed (but it is understandable why I ended up with it). Tons of people out there would love to get to know you and have fun with you. There is so much that is in your hands to change here, as long as you can be brave and take a first step.

Gosh I’m so sorry op

I suspect that in some ways a lot of the time it is actually you who needs to find the mental strength to actually change - eg the leaving your house thing - you could at least sit outside for a few minutes maybe?

The thing is there is no magic cure to make you do this? The pills, the therapy they only help so much and the final step is down to the individual - I think there are national helplines you can ring for support with your ED - or maybe some online forums?

Your father was a disgusting vile individual.

Try looking up the body keeps the score it might be useful

I think, if you can, it would be helpful to reframe your thinking. So, rather than ‘I want to be normal’ (because you are defining yourself as ‘other’ or ‘less’) could you start to think about ‘I want to be happier’, ‘I want to feel safer’ etc.?
I know you’re happy for your therapist, but I don’t think she’s done a great job in preparing you for her leaving, by discussing what a transition plan would look like.
That being said, I’m taking from what you’ve posted that she is going to refer you to another therapist and it’s important that you continue to seek support.
You do belong in the world and it’s not wrong that you feel dependent on others - that’s not your fault. You were a child and your dad was abusive - I’m so sorry that happened to you.
You are a survivor and you’re dealing with the aftermath of what happened to you. You are not ‘wrong’ and do you know what? It’s absolutely ok to acknowledge your feelings about this situation - in fact it’s positive that you do recognise how you feel.
I’m sorry that this is painful for you and things are tough. Please keep talking to your new therapist.