Page 2 | In trouble it's endgame

Endgamenow · 2026-05-07T11:50:40+00:00

In a bad state all my fault .This is my first ever post. Feel so ashamed of myself.Yesterday I was banned from a retail shop. Rightly so,as for around four months I have been stealing from various shops.It felt like a runnaway train and it has rightly crashed . I already decided I needed help as it was a horrible compulsion .I have never stolen anything in my life before this episode. Six months ago I lost my brother to suicide . I found him and felt like part of me died with him. I started to drink heavily at night and felt horrible the next day.I would go out to the shops to get out and not be home. .It started suddenly ,I put a small item in my bag and for some reason I felt euphoric and that was the beginning of this spiral. I would go out and take silly things with no need or use for them then return home and write down all the things I had stolen in a book. I would then feel overwhelming shame and fear But once again I would do it .It felt like someone else was doing it almost like an out of body feeling . I am retired and live with my husband . He would be mortified if he found out. This will likely now happen as the shop I was banned from his cousin works in. The shame is mine . I now want to end my life . If only I had listened to the voice screaming in my head to stop

Original poster

Endgamenow · 10/05/2026 00:38

Hi I'm still really shaky .it's like I've snapped awake from being in some weird trance .I rang the store today to apologise and ask what is going to happen .it's the same manager who asked me to leave who answered .He said it was facewatch that flagged me as banned.He said he did not know why or how but I'm now on the system and alert is sent when I entered he sees a picture come up and compares it to the person .in my case it was correct.
I admitted it to him .He was very kind and said it happens daily and he will ban the customer regardless .
I told him I will never enter the store again and I was sorry .
I'm now on this system with various different shops.
I accept that but it's going to be difficult if I'm with family .il be asked to leave .
I'm not sure which shop use this?i agree that it's correct for me to not be allowed to enter but il never steal again.il be on the system for 2 years .
I would love to have a clean slate but il accept that it's my fault.
Just sad and guilty .

OP posts:

MoonWoman69 · 10/05/2026 00:11

@Endgamenow I have pm'd you x

Lougle · 09/05/2026 23:31

Endgamenow · 07/05/2026 13:53

Thank you all.
This is a hard thing to say that I am an alcoholic and a thief.I used to be a better person.
I should know better.I have had a lifetime of my husband's problem with alcohol and always was the sensible reliable one.now I feel like a horrible fraud.
I would never have foorseen that I would sit drinking a bottle of wine and more every night writing a list of things I had stolen.recently a shopper saw me place items in my pocket and the look of disgust made me feel like dying inside but I still could not stop.
I have no idea if I have been seen in the many places I would take items from.I would sit at night and wonder how on earth this is happening ? I don't know if it's trauma or addiction but I can't cope with my shame.the place I live is small and I'm sure the staff will all tell people .a family member works there and this must be so embarrassing for him.
I am going to ring the drs but I don't know if they will report me to police.

You have coped with an awful thing and alcohol was available to lean on. It isn't illegal to drink. It isn't illegal to drink to excess. It isn't illegal to be an alcoholic. Be proud that you've recognised it. The GP will want to support you and you need their support because detoxing from alcohol without medical support is unpleasant and it can be dangerous. The GP will be able to prescribe you medicine to reduce the side effects of detoxing.

The shoplifting isn't who you are. It's something you've done in a state of crisis. It's good that someone has stopped you. It means you can get support. Your GP will have seen this a lot.

If I knew you, I would happily have a coffee and a cake with you. I wouldn't be thinking badly of you. I wouldn't be judging you. People in hard times do things that are out of character. Today is a new day.

Fruitsaladfortea · 09/05/2026 23:23

How are you feeling today OP?

fabspring · 08/05/2026 23:40

Hello OP. 👋
I think you've turned a corner today. You're going in the right direction. Bear in mind that some days will be better than others.
Baby steps. Thinking of you. 🍀

Fruitsaladfortea · 08/05/2026 23:38

AutumnAllTheWay · 08/05/2026 23:32

You are far more important than any stupid stuff youve stolen from shops.

Look after yourself. You need help and love and support. Youve had a terrible time.

Reach out, you deserve to be looked after.

Agreed. I know you are feeling ashamed but I really think it would help if you could tell your family. It must be so difficult dealing with this on your own and I’m sure they would offer you support if you could tell them.

AutumnAllTheWay · 08/05/2026 23:32

You are far more important than any stupid stuff youve stolen from shops.

Look after yourself. You need help and love and support. Youve had a terrible time.

Reach out, you deserve to be looked after.

Original poster

Endgamenow · 08/05/2026 23:21

I tried to get an appointment today but it's really difficult .I am going to ring on Monday .
I feel some relief I got through today .I did cry off and on in private .It's a day on day challenge for me now.
But means if I can do it I'm recovering.
I have had a drink tonight .
A bottle of wine .but I could easily drink another but I'm going to bed .It's a lot less than I want but I know I have to take cutting down slow and steady .
My brain does feel all bent out of shape.the highs I would get stealing will be hard to replace but of course that has to be done.
Thanks to anyone who responded

OP posts:

Doctor1988 · 08/05/2026 23:11

Endgamenow · 08/05/2026 22:22

Today was my first day in four months I did not steal.I woke up very depressed but decided to go out with my husband on errands and do it without stealing something .I dressed in a way I could not conceal anything and took just my bank card in my hand .
The weird thing is as I walked into a shop I would always take something from I felt light and relieved that I would not take anything.I got a real sense of relief to shop it like a normal person.I stood in a queue relaxed and relieved .I used to be known for finding a bargain but I stopped when this started .
I have so many useless items I bought while stealing silly things.I spend more whilst doing it than I ever have before .
I still feel horrific and guilty
But il never do that again.
Going to take it a day at a time and plan to replace the awful behaviour by doing more to be present in the world .ironically I hate shopping normaly
So what I did was so left field .
I still had moments today of to be honest feeling suicidel I tried to overcome the horrible sinking feeling .today is better a little bit so il keep trying .

Edited

Well done you!

Gazelda · 08/05/2026 23:07

You’ve done well today. That’s a real achievement.

take one day at a time. One step at a time.

Each day without stealing is an achievement in itself.

can you pledge to call your GP tomorrow, book an appointment?

Original poster

Endgamenow · 08/05/2026 22:55

The things I took were mainly things ,small food items
Like cheese ,chocolate and other items like shower gel ect.I would tell family I bought to many .
There are items in my home I'm going to remove like candles and things I have hidden away .I feel like I want to clear away my shame .
I really think it's a turning point now.
If it all gets out I don't know if I'm strong enough to face up to it.Thats my main worry .I'm not the person I used to be who could overcome lots of hard things.
Do not trust my own mind anymore and not sure it's
Going to get okay .
Thank you for responding really appreciate it .

OP posts:

Boobtasticmumma · 08/05/2026 22:32

Massive ✅ to you - blooming well done!

Look at your progress…this is incredible! Xx

Fruitsaladfortea · 08/05/2026 22:29

Endgamenow · 08/05/2026 22:22

Today was my first day in four months I did not steal.I woke up very depressed but decided to go out with my husband on errands and do it without stealing something .I dressed in a way I could not conceal anything and took just my bank card in my hand .
The weird thing is as I walked into a shop I would always take something from I felt light and relieved that I would not take anything.I got a real sense of relief to shop it like a normal person.I stood in a queue relaxed and relieved .I used to be known for finding a bargain but I stopped when this started .
I have so many useless items I bought while stealing silly things.I spend more whilst doing it than I ever have before .
I still feel horrific and guilty
But il never do that again.
Going to take it a day at a time and plan to replace the awful behaviour by doing more to be present in the world .ironically I hate shopping normaly
So what I did was so left field .
I still had moments today of to be honest feeling suicidel I tried to overcome the horrible sinking feeling .today is better a little bit so il keep trying .

Edited

That’s amazing OP, you should feel really proud of yourself to have stopped the stealing now. That would have been so difficult to do.
I was wondering if it would help you to take the stolen items to a charity shop so at least some good would come of the difficult time you have been through?
Keep posting here if it helps 💐

Original poster

Endgamenow · 08/05/2026 22:24

Sorry my typing is awful

OP posts:

Original poster

Endgamenow · 08/05/2026 22:22

Today was my first day in four months I did not steal.I woke up very depressed but decided to go out with my husband on errands and do it without stealing something .I dressed in a way I could not conceal anything and took just my bank card in my hand .
The weird thing is as I walked into a shop I would always take something from I felt light and relieved that I would not take anything.I got a real sense of relief to shop it like a normal person.I stood in a queue relaxed and relieved .I used to be known for finding a bargain but I stopped when this started .
I have so many useless items I bought while stealing silly things.I spend more whilst doing it than I ever have before .
I still feel horrific and guilty
But il never do that again.
Going to take it a day at a time and plan to replace the awful behaviour by doing more to be present in the world .ironically I hate shopping normaly
So what I did was so left field .
I still had moments today of to be honest feeling suicidel I tried to overcome the horrible sinking feeling .today is better a little bit so il keep trying .

OP posts:

Original poster

Endgamenow · 07/05/2026 22:26

Thank you you're a lovely person
Going to try to sleep
Thanks to anyone who listened today
My first time here but feel loads better
Not sure how I could have got through today
Good nite❤️

OP posts:

plsbekinddelicate · 07/05/2026 22:13

It’s amazingly and frighteningly common. Try and get some rest tonight, tomorrow is a fresh day. Seek the help and support you need and deserve ❤️

Original poster

Endgamenow · 07/05/2026 22:08

Thank you for your supportive post .Has really helped ease me right now.thank god for people like you who decide to make helping people there job and life.
I'm just so worried that I could end up here without seeing something was very wrong .its only recently I've realised this is not me as a person but shocked how I slipped into this .Every one is talking about shoplifting and I understand every one's anger towards people doing it but behind it is real people's stories ,trauma ect.no one would wish to feel like this lightly.i need not one thing I've taken
But my head decided it's going to happen and i felt like a bystander.i can only imagine a young fragile mind being totally destroyed by these feelings of euphoria then pain and shame .
I've entered a different world il never unsee
Il now have compassion were I had indifference or looked down on people
Life's shit lesson to me
Maybe my brother showing me a little bit of the hell he was in x

OP posts:

plsbekinddelicate · 07/05/2026 18:54

OP my lovely you are going to get through this. You don’t have to be the strong person. You don’t have to pretend you’re okay. You didn’t used to be a good person, you ARE a good person. You are a human being who has experienced one of the most traumatic experiences anyone could have and you are trying to cope with the impact that has had on you. I’ve worked with hundreds of people just like you-going about their daily business until something tips their world upside down. Your GP doesn’t need to report you to police, you’ve made some unwise decisions but you are not a risk to others so please take heart from that. If you’ve been drinking heavily for a while it can be dangerous to stop suddenly. Talk to your GP about that too. If you can, is there a good friend who you could confide in? If not speak to the Samaritans x

Original poster

Endgamenow · 07/05/2026 18:41

Thank you .I know there is something really wrong mentally.Its frightening you can sabotage your whole
World and not feel able to overcome it.
My beloved brother gambled and could not stop.
I used to will him thinking use your strength of mind
But it killed his spirit.he took his life
I often talk to him saying I'm sorry I just didn't get how difficult it is to overcome something that's wrong with your brain.
I'm terrified there's more to come for me.
I feel fragile and broken.
I cannot cope with my life imploding.
If nothing more comes from this I am going to work
Really hard to put it behind me just very worried it's a can of worms opened and I won't be allowed to draw a line under it.
Il never feel same about myself but il punish myself now more than anyone can.
It's humbling to see how your life can mess up so quickly .going to go and rest for a bit and try not to drink feel awful today

OP posts:

Pippatpip · 07/05/2026 18:25

Hi. I just wanted to let you know that this isn’t uncommon. My father was a GP and I remember him testifying in court on more than one occasion to support cases of older female patients of previously excellent character who, due to trauma, had taken to petty shoplifting. You have had such an awful trauma that you are not in your normal frame of mind. Please, if you haven’t already, go to your GP and arrNge for some help and support. I am sure your husband will be ok. You are poorly and should get support.
best wishes and you are worthy and please do not put your husband through what you have just been through with your brother.

Original poster

Endgamenow · 07/05/2026 18:15

Thanks .I really cant as I want to try to overcome this if I'm able .I just hope it's not a blanket ban for lots of shops as I would be stopped when with family.
How they feel about me matters so much .they depend on me to be the strong reliable one.
I am going to have to admit it if anyone tells them but
I would rather get my mental health stronger
Before I could explain how it's happened.
I feel nervous in case the police are called .
The family member does know my address and could pass it to the shop he works for.
I feel like my heart is thumping all day .
Does anyone in retail know how a ban is put on a system .do all staff see it?
Every so often I feel overwhelmed to the point of being sick.
My daughters know something is wrong but I told them it's ok I'm fine
Has anyone overcome something similar

OP posts:

Fruitsaladfortea · 07/05/2026 18:00

Endgamenow · 07/05/2026 17:55

Thank you fruitsaladfortea.I am going to contact my GP I was trying to get up the courage before this happened.It had to happen because I could not stop.I honestly would do it every single day.iI would give the things I had taken away but feel huge guilt as the person who received it had no idea .
The horrible sickly feeling has killed every urge to do it .I can't understand how it kept on happening and was getting more uncontrollable.
To my shame I did it whilst shopping with a friend they were unaware .It gave me a rush but I felt horrified after as they could have been implicated.
This is not anything like I used to be .
I feel like I want to scrub the shame away but
Now it's clinging to me and I don't know how to be my old self.
Last night I drank bottle and half of wine and 3largers to manage to get through the night.
Feel tired and burnt out today. But once again I did it .it's as if I have someone else's brain.
Just held my beautiful baby grandson and
Feel like a fraud.my children think I'm a good decent person but it's a front .
If everyone finds out il never recover

Edited

You ARE a good decent person. Please tell your husband and your children (assuming they are adults). I’m sure they will not judge you harshly for this and you will feel so much better to have shared the secret.
FWIW, I can understand the appeal of shoftlifting for the buzz. I have MH issues and have been tempted myself in the past.

Original poster

Endgamenow · 07/05/2026 17:55

Thank you fruitsaladfortea.I am going to contact my GP I was trying to get up the courage before this happened.It had to happen because I could not stop.I honestly would do it every single day.iI would give the things I had taken away but feel huge guilt as the person who received it had no idea .
The horrible sickly feeling has killed every urge to do it .I can't understand how it kept on happening and was getting more uncontrollable.
To my shame I did it whilst shopping with a friend they were unaware .It gave me a rush but I felt horrified after as they could have been implicated.
This is not anything like I used to be .
I feel like I want to scrub the shame away but
Now it's clinging to me and I don't know how to be my old self.
Last night I drank bottle and half of wine and 3largers to manage to get through the night.
Feel tired and burnt out today. But once again I did it .it's as if I have someone else's brain.
Just held my beautiful baby grandson and
Feel like a fraud.my children think I'm a good decent person but it's a front .
If everyone finds out il never recover

OP posts:

Fruitsaladfortea · 07/05/2026 17:37

You are not a bad person OP, you are just unwell and you need help. Make an appointment to see your GP ASAP and they should be able to refer you for counselling. There is no way they would report you to the police for this.
Im so sorry for your loss, it’s not surprising you are traumatised by it.
I think you should show your husband this thread too so he can support you through this 💐