In trouble it's endgame

Endgamenow · 2026-05-07T11:50:40+00:00

In a bad state all my fault .This is my first ever post. Feel so ashamed of myself.Yesterday I was banned from a retail shop. Rightly so,as for around four months I have been stealing from various shops.It felt like a runnaway train and it has rightly crashed . I already decided I needed help as it was a horrible compulsion .I have never stolen anything in my life before this episode. Six months ago I lost my brother to suicide . I found him and felt like part of me died with him. I started to drink heavily at night and felt horrible the next day.I would go out to the shops to get out and not be home. .It started suddenly ,I put a small item in my bag and for some reason I felt euphoric and that was the beginning of this spiral. I would go out and take silly things with no need or use for them then return home and write down all the things I had stolen in a book. I would then feel overwhelming shame and fear But once again I would do it .It felt like someone else was doing it almost like an out of body feeling . I am retired and live with my husband . He would be mortified if he found out. This will likely now happen as the shop I was banned from his cousin works in. The shame is mine . I now want to end my life . If only I had listened to the voice screaming in my head to stop

Trallers · 20/05/2026 14:25

How is this week going @Endgamenow?

fabspring · 13/05/2026 23:21

It's wonderful to read your latest updates OP. You're doing so well. 💐

Original poster

Endgamenow · 13/05/2026 21:23

Thank you moon woman 69 .I will for sure .
One week has made such a difference I want to close that door and lock it away forever.im so lucky I got the chance to start again .I was a hairs breath from being in really serious trouble .it's the shock I needed .
I honestly would have gotten more out of control I could feel that in my bones .
I dug my heels in and thought somehow I could keep doing it but I had a sick feeling last few weeks of impending doom and felt my world closing in .
You become the victim of your own crime which is bizzare but you have everything to lose for so little .
It's like stepping away from darkness you never thought you would experience .
My mental health recovery is now my new obsession .going to work my socks off to be able to look back and forgive myself as I would anyone else in this pain and try to be better .
Everyone is vulnerable to go to the edge
Il never forget that .
In some ways it will make me a kinder person .

OP posts:

MoonWoman69 · 13/05/2026 19:58

That's absolutely brilliant to hear @Endgamenow and I think you've done so well.
It's a wake up call when something like this happens, it kind of jerks you back to reality and makes you realise what you need to do to get back out of it. Do keep letting us know how it's going please? I'm invested now! And I'm rooting for you. Wishing you nothing but the best 💐

Original poster

Endgamenow · 13/05/2026 19:33

Aw thanks I'm really glad I was stopped last week this day last week I felt truly suicidal .now I feel so relieved it's over .I have not taken a single thing since and feel like my self respect is slowly building back .I left a glass of wine in the bottle last night .sounds silly but was an achievement for me .
I'm going to have 2 glasses tonight from a bottle and one tomorrow night and again night after and taper it down .I then have to contact Dr and she will support me detoxing fully .I'm delighted I could stop stealing and know if I can overcome this drink issue I'm on road to recovery and can grieve my lovely brother in a respectavile way which is everything he deserves .
Il never do any thing again it's broken my heart to know I was dragged down but something took over .
I have heard from amazing people this week and one person really helped by talking me through their experience which was so like mine .il never look down on anyone in that situation which I would have before .
Now I know there pain in these bad choices and it masks something deeper and too painful to acknowledge .
It's raining all day but I feel really sunny inside like I've let go of a horrible dream .thanks all for the support

OP posts:

MoonWoman69 · 13/05/2026 06:32

@Endgamenow You're doing it!!! Absolutely brilliant! I'm so glad you saw your doctor. The only way is up now! 💐

SouthernNights59 · 13/05/2026 06:14

Well done OP, you can be proud of yourself. One day at a time - you can do this. 💐

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 13/05/2026 05:12

Well done, OP. Brilliant update.

Trallers · 13/05/2026 04:02

Your posts aren't repetitive at all - t's wonderful to hear you making steps in the right direction and having some better experiences. I hope you're able to feel hopeful about your situation now.

Do keep posting, even the uglier moments.

Original poster

Endgamenow · 13/05/2026 01:24

I got an appointment with doctor.I told her I was afraid disclosure would get me in a worse situation.
She listened typed a lot then stopped.
I thought ok I'm in this now no escaping .
She was curt and straight to the point .she said I probley have PTSD .I have now developed bad copeing
Habits which I realised recently ..she will help with a plan to cut down then detox at home with help of medication .I think it's librium .I have been referred to a alcohol support service and mental health charity .
I once again entered a shop with no plan or way to steal .bought what I required and left felt really good .
Totally different experience .felt light ,relieved and in the moment instead of frantic ,preoccupied and just awful.i now have lots of healthy fruit and veg ,spent less because I was aware of what I was buying and could enjoy just going in the world like a normal person.
Who knew that shopping would become a warzone .
Feel lot better but early days .
Hope anyone going through this can see it is possible to turn it around.
Sorry my posts are probley very repetitive
But real shoplifting is just that very thing

OP posts:

Original poster

Endgamenow · 10/05/2026 23:05

Love your name lol

OP posts:

Original poster

Endgamenow · 10/05/2026 23:04

Thank you moon woman 69
Just want to start again
Thanks for listening

OP posts:

MoonWoman69 · 10/05/2026 22:06

@Endgamenow One step at a time love. You've achieved that step today, you should be proud of yourself. x

Original poster

Endgamenow · 10/05/2026 21:58

Thank you .I know I'm far away from being safe to not do it again .I have voice in my head still willing me to do it .but il take it day at a time .
But feel a little relieved I can try

OP posts:

MoonWoman69 · 10/05/2026 21:26

@Endgamenow Bloody well done! You must feel so much better making that massive step forward. Sending hugs 🤗🤗🤗

Fruitsaladfortea · 10/05/2026 20:35

Endgamenow · 10/05/2026 20:26

I have had a really nice day .bit surreal.normally I wake up focused on being anywhere but home .
I would crave going to a shop, any shop just to do
What I had to to feel fixed .I would go into auto pilot
Walk into a shop not look at anyone ,feel highly anxious but bit high all in to be fair .scan each aisle
Is it empty is anyone walking behind ? Is the person in front going to turn around .I became amazeing at reading body language ,I knew the best spots to conceal my items .It was all hectic and frantic .if an aisle was empty I would take any silly things not really observing it .as soon as felt I got a high I was then buying anything to cover what I'd done .I would leave with nothing for dinner and weird items instead like vitamins I had no idea what they were for,jars of products I had no use for like protein shakes which took some explaining to my dh when I got in car .
Did make me chuckle a little then home to write it down then panic and sickly sinking feeling would kick in .
Today I went to a shop ,took not one item .looked everyone in the eye ,bought just what I needed and felt like a normal human being .
Came home got a high from being a descent person
Feels so much better

That’s amazing. Well done 💐

Original poster

Endgamenow · 10/05/2026 20:26

I have had a really nice day .bit surreal.normally I wake up focused on being anywhere but home .
I would crave going to a shop, any shop just to do
What I had to to feel fixed .I would go into auto pilot
Walk into a shop not look at anyone ,feel highly anxious but bit high all in to be fair .scan each aisle
Is it empty is anyone walking behind ? Is the person in front going to turn around .I became amazeing at reading body language ,I knew the best spots to conceal my items .It was all hectic and frantic .if an aisle was empty I would take any silly things not really observing it .as soon as felt I got a high I was then buying anything to cover what I'd done .I would leave with nothing for dinner and weird items instead like vitamins I had no idea what they were for,jars of products I had no use for like protein shakes which took some explaining to my dh when I got in car .
Did make me chuckle a little then home to write it down then panic and sickly sinking feeling would kick in .
Today I went to a shop ,took not one item .looked everyone in the eye ,bought just what I needed and felt like a normal human being .
Came home got a high from being a descent person
Feels so much better

OP posts:

Trallers · 10/05/2026 01:52

You sound like you're doing a really good job of facing up to the state of things and trying to make a good go of it. However awful this feels, remember it's just stuff and you haven't done anything dangerous or hurt anyone. So many people with escalating alcohol issues end up in car accidents/getting pulled over. Imagine how much worse the shame of that could be, and that's without taking into account the horrors of potentially injuring someone (or worse). Your situation is much more manageable and honestly, much more forgivable by the people around you. It's a small mess caused by really tragic circumstances and it's all going to be OK.

Please read back through this thread every time you feel the temptation of suicide rear it's head.

And don't be surprised if the urge to steal does come back at times - it doesn't mean you have failed, it's just the nature of the beast you're dealing with.

Wishing you all the best.

Original poster

Endgamenow · 10/05/2026 01:18

Thank you .going to put all my effort into getting this sorted .wish I could see forward and it's okay.
I'm worried as I'm already on antidepressents have been for few months and it could be masking something worse .
At one point I wondered if I was manic but I have no other signs of that.
There have been family members who have had quite serious issues with various different mental healthbut I suppose most family's do ? I also had an uncle who took his life.
Worried it's start of a ongoing issue.
If I can basically go clean and get on top of drinking
Il have bit more hope

OP posts:

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 10/05/2026 01:03

The thing is, OP, you don't need an excuse.

You wouldn't need an excuse if you were physically unwell , and you don't need an excuse for being mentally unwell. Nobody does.

It sounds like you've been through a lot. That takes its toll, and sometimes our coping strategies turn out to be unhealthy ones.

But this is temporary. You can get help, and you can come out of the other side. This is not who you are.

Original poster

Endgamenow · 10/05/2026 00:58

It is wrong no question about it .at minute it's like unraveling the last 4 months and the more I look back the worse it is .I'm shocked to realise my mental health is this way .I have no excuse not even my brother's suicide .if I said it was because of that it's wrong because there is no excuse.
But I know I feel different .my brain just feels like it's
Blurry and I can't think straight.
I need a few clear days of no drinking to really judge
If that has been the big trigger.
I don't trust my own brain anymore

OP posts:

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 10/05/2026 00:51

OP, what you have been doing is obviously wrong, but you already know that. You don't sound like a bad person to me at all, you sound like someone who is quite unwell and in need of help. I really hope that you are able to access that help, and that your family are able to show you the grace and compassion that you need while you are trying to get better.

Original poster

Endgamenow · 10/05/2026 00:51

Thank you lougle .I have helped my dh with withdrawing from heavy drinking at different times and I've seen the affects.i was just a social drinker before my brother died but was unable to be around people in a normal way since.
I count down the hours till it's time to open my wine.
But it got earlier and I started adding more as well.as soon as I drink the first glass my shoulders drop and the knot in stomach loosens a little .
Nights I try not to drink I'm awake most of the night thinking about my brother .
I'm going to reach out to doctor and I am thinking of telling my husband .
I feel like a fraud doing what I did with him oblivious.sometimes he was with me when I stole.
I'm still on fence as he has issues with addiction and could spiral if he knew .
He's doing just about okay which is good spot sure if it's the right thing
God how is this my life now

OP posts:

MoonWoman69 · 10/05/2026 00:43

Endgamenow · 10/05/2026 00:40

Moon woman 69 I have sent a pm xx

🤗

Original poster

Endgamenow · 10/05/2026 00:40

Moon woman 69 I have sent a pm xx

OP posts: