PART 2: I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

Stress hormones like cortisol can be removed from the body through sweat and tears. Can you go for a run or similar exercise? Then have a good cry after.

You need some therapy to help with the trauma bonding.
Please contact Women’s Aid. They will be able to help.
You can do this. We have faith in you, but you have to find your anger and be proactive.
You have had wonderful advice on here.
Please lean on your family for support.

@Forevertrappedhere you are doing so well and do sound like you are coping better than last time. Reading your posts it’s almost like you’re experiencing the same emotions as someone trying to give up drugs. You know the substance was going to kill you so you had to give it up but the detox period is painful and it would be so easy to go back to it to relieve the pain you’re experiencing right now. Logically you know this would be bad for you in the long run but your body craves the thing you’ve given up and you can only focus on the good that it gave you, not the crushing reality of the after effects.
This will get easier eventually, you can do this. You just need to stay away this time because if you go back he will be even more dangerous and there may be no option to leave.

It’s like a dangerous addiction for you, OP, he’s conditioned you to need him. As with substance addictions, you need to remove the proximity of the thing. The equivalent of pouring your vodka stash down the sink here is to change phones so he can’t contact you but more importantly, you can’t contact him even if you want to.

The insane rush you talk about is your adrenaline continuously spiking when you’re with him because you were either scared out of your mind or so relieved when he seemed calm. You are like a war veteran with PTSD who is struggling to adjust coming home to peace.

Do consider changing your main phone number. You could leave the other phone/SIM card with your friend so you still have evidence of him trying to contact you.

You can do this.

Hope you're hanging there @Forevertrappedhere . You are NOT trapped! You're doing well and you're strong despite what you may think!

Keep screenshots and file them somewhere safe, send them to your friend so she has evidence if you're not able to give it.

I agree with PPs that you need to block his number. Block him on everything. It's heartening to see you refer to him as your ex. I hope that is all he will be to you from now on, an ex-partner.

He misses you? What a joke. He misses having a convenient victim, that's all.

Stay strong. Don't let him worm his way back. He will do everything he can to manipulate you, so the best course of action is to have no contact at all. As above, delete, block, do whatever it takes to keep from obsessing about him.

Please please block him op. I feel sick reading your threads. He is not only in your mind he has taken it over. I am so scared for you. He also does not have adhd, what he has is psychopathy or at very least sociopathy. I have adhd and would NEVER do or say the things he has. He plays cat and mouse with you for his own sick thrill. Please block him. Find this strength for your kids.

I'm glad you're getting angry.

Abuse is never the victim's fault.

No, his abuse really wasn't your fault. With hindsight, you know you shouldn't have returned to him. But his abusive behaviour remains 100% his fault. He owns that, not you.

I'm glad you seem to be seeing him more clearly for what he is. But please try not to obsess about him. I know that is easier said than done, after years of sustained and brutal abuse of every variety. However, your energy should be focused on your own recovery, as well as caring for your children and helping them process the trauma they've experienced. Step by step, one day (or hour or minute) at a time.

This is the 8 step timeline of domestic abuse homicide in women killed by men. (Research by Forensic criminologist and University of Gloucestershire lecturer, Dr Jane Monckton Smith, published 2018)

You are at step 5/6, and you'll never know about stage 7 until it's too late.

1. A pre-relationship history of stalking or abuse by the perpetrator (unless it's their first relationship)
2. The romance develops quickly into a serious relationship
3. The relationship becomes dominated by coercive control
4. A trigger threatens the perpetrator's control - for example, the relationship ends or the perpetrator gets into financial difficulty

5. Escalation - an increase in the intensity or frequency of the partner's control tactics, such as stalking or threatening suicide
6. The perpetrator has a change in thinking - choosing to move on, either through revenge or by homicide
7 Planning - the perpetrator might buy weapons or seek opportunities to get the victim alone
8 Homicide - the perpetrator kills his or her partner and possibly hurts others such as the victim's children

A change in circumstances like police involvement, him being kicked out etc is when you and your children are most at risk of being murdered. Please don't be a family annihilation statistic.

Stay away from your old home. It must be your former home - your must stay away. Contact your landlord or mortgage provider and ask to speak to the vulnerable customer/domestic abuse team.

Can you stay at your friend’s house, or with family? Please don’t go home.

Just delete his number. You don’t need to have it.

Keep going! Fight those thoughts. Please don’t contact him or accept calls from him. Remind yourself that you’re doing the best possible thing for yourself and your children. Every minute you are away from that monster is a win.

@Forevertrappedhere do not contact him. I know it’s going against what your brain is telling you but he is the abuser, you are doing the right thing and he does not deserve any sympathy, support or help from you. He is not your friend, his treatment of you is cruel and vindictive, almost sadistic in the depravity of it. He is not your responsibility, you are only responsible for yourself and your children. You need to keep yourself safe for them if nothing else. You can do this.