PART 2: I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

The brain fog you are experiencing may be partly due to your physical injuries as well as the emotional upheaval. But the fog will lift. Not today or tomorrow, but if you keep moving forward it definitely will. Keep going, you're doing brilliantly even if it doesn't feel that way.

Just keep reading it back OP. Even if you have to get through this one hour or one minute at a time. Just keep on going over why you can't return.

When you’re able, let us know what’s been going on. Like many, I’m rooting for you & the kids x

@Forevertrappedhere please continue to post, unless you have found real life support, I’m concerned you will give in to the voice in your head if you don’t have someone to check in with.

@Forevertrappedhere there is another thread going on, which you might find helpful.
Its quite recent and there are some similarities to what you're going through. The OP has struggled but reached such a good place, and you can too!
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/chat/5517759-police-action-after-101-call-has-left-us-separated-and-struggling-financially?page=16&reply=151848308

Hi Op,
I just wanted to share some of my own experience with you, so you know there really can be light at the end of the tunnel.
I was with a horrific abuser — my daughter’s father. One of the worst parts, and something I don’t think I will ever fully “get over” but have learned to compartmentalise, was the gaslighting. The insidious, constant gaslighting.
I remember him telling me that our relationship would never change unless he saw a doctor’s report confirming that my mental health problems were being addressed. He would routinely tell me I needed counselling, but never from a place of care or concern — it was always used to undermine me. When I caught him cheating, he deleted the messages and told me I had imagined it. Even his own mother struggled with him.
The turning point for me was when he punched me in the face. My daughter witnessed it, and she was only eight months old. He had called her horrific names, belittled me when I struggled with breastfeeding, and slowly chipped away at me. But that day, something changed in me.
It prompted police and social care involvement, and I was referred to a domestic abuse agency. I had the most amazing IDVA, and between her, the police and the social worker, I made a plan to leave. It took around six weeks. In truth, I had been quietly putting money aside for around 18 months before that.
The day I left, I packed up as much as I could while he was at work. I said goodbye to the neighbours and thanked them for calling the police when they had. Then I drove off and collected my daughter from nursery. I stayed with a friend he didn’t know about for two weeks, and then moved into my own rented home — the same home I’m still in six years later.
My daughter is now seven. She sees her dad, and she sees his behaviour for herself. He still cannot help but speak badly about me to her, but I truly believe that in time she will make her own sense of who he is.
The point I’m trying to make is that I did get out — but I got out when I was ready. Not when other people told me to. Not when people begged me to. Not when everyone else could see it. I had to reach that point inside myself.
From what you’ve written, I wonder whether you may not quite be there yet. That isn’t a criticism. It is part of the cycle. Sometimes we leave because other people tell us we should, but emotionally we are not ready, and that is why we go back.
I don’t know what your turning point will be, but I do know that you deserve safety, peace and a life where you are not constantly having to survive someone else’s cruelty.
Please take a long, honest look at yourself and try to find that conviction — not for anyone else, but for you. You deserve better than this. Your safety, your wellbeing and your psychological peace matter.
And when you are ready, there is a way out. I promise you, there is life on the other side.

Keep posting here @Forevertrappedhere there will always be someone to answer you.
How are you kids?

OP how was the social worker chat?

@Forevertrappedhere can you not delete his number? Or block it? Or at the very least change his name in your contacts to something that will give you pause before contacting him?

Can you put things in place to distract yourself when the feeling to contact him overwhelms? Such as listening to music or podcasts to drown out the thoughts, or putting post its round the house with positive messages or reminders of why going back is a bad idea. Anything to stop you going back to him

@Forevertrappedhere accidentally just deleted a really long post I wrote but the gist was keep posting on this thread. PMs can be great but here there are more people to give quicker responses than someone who logs in once or twice a day.

No one is judging you, feel free to say what you feel. You really do sound like you are doing so much better than last time even if it doesn’t feel like it.

Tell your family you’ve left him. It’s understandable if they feel unable to support you as it’s impossible to really comprehend why someone would go back into an abusive situation when looked at from the outside. They are no doubt frustrated that you put yourself in harms way, it’s painful to watch someone you love return to an abusive partner and be unable to do anything about it. Let them know anyway, tell them you are really trying to stay away but explain that it’s difficult when being away causes mental torment.

You ca do this, you are stronger than you know.

And a fractured skull !
OP, you are doing the right thing here, don't ever forget it.

You're not an idiot, not at all. You are an abused woman who has been psychologically manipulated and abused by a man who is, at the least, a sociopath. You are trauma-bonded to him, and crave the false pleasures of the few times he treated you well. You know it's an illusion, but your feelings and hormones think it's real and long for a repeat.
This is the withdrawal stage when you wean yourself off the drug - because it is addictive, and it must very very hard to do it cold turkey. But you have to, for yourself, and for your children.
Be strong, there is life and healing for you.

My love, he beat you so badly he gave you raccoon eyes. He has endlessly called you abusive, horrific names. He is a danger to your children emotionally and inevitably physically even if he hasn’t physically hurt them yet. You NOT contacting him is the greatest act of motherhood you can give your kids ever. You must stay strong. They deserve your love and sympathy, not him. Choose them.

Sorry to keep going on about this, but you aren’t answering questions about your family? Can you go to them for safety? Can they help you get over this? Do you have a Brother who can go round to your DH and tell him exactly what he thinks about him for doing this to his Sister?

Can you focus on one thing - like your children’s safety? No matter how distorted your thoughts and feelings get, have that as your rock - my children’s safety comes first.

I have dealt with trauma-based self destructive urges and behaviours and understand how they distort your mind and you lose perspective. The main thing I did was keep my children in mind, as my rock and my focus. No matter how I felt - I was doing it for my children. It helped to keep the focus off myself and whatever I was feeling in the moment - it was a constant and it was outside myself which made it easier.

How about low intensity things like chair based exercise? It might not have as much of an impact but anything is good.

You can do it online
https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php