PART 2: I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

You got out before. You can do it again. You must. Your children are depending on you.

I know there is nothing easy about any of this. The abuse you have suffered has made you believe things that you know objectively aren’t true. It’s one of the most insidious things about prolonged abuse.

I wish I knew the right words to convince you that you deserve a better life, one that is free of abuse. But it’s true. You and your children should have a safe, calm, happy life. It’s within your grasp.

You NEED to get away from him
You are going to have to do this, ring womens aid. Go to A&E and tell them everything. You have a choice, your children don't.

I’ve only read some of your first post, to be honest I’m shocked for you, that you’ve had to put up with this extreme abuse, because that is what it is. In turn he is abusing your children. I promise if you reach out to the police they will believe you and take action. I understand the guilt associated with involving the police, but the guilt is not yours. The abuse is escalating and you have a duty of care to protect your children. Once you call the police and make a statement I promise you will not be alone. You feel alone at the moment as the abuse is ‘hidden’. ADHD is not causing the abuse, he has a choice and he has chosen to abuse you and in turn your children. Please be an advocate for the children by making a statement to the police, if you don’t I guarantee someone else will and you could eventually loose your children. When you feel conflicted please think of your children and the effect on them living in this environment. Be strong now, I agree the next time he could kill you. Please also confide in your family and friends xx

My god there’s children living in this horror home

Even if you accept his logic it isn't legal to kill your dw. Which he will do. Think long and hard about him having your dc ALONE FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.
RING 999
..IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY AS A DM TO PROTECT YOUR DC.
IF YOU YOURSELF WANT TO DIE DO YOUR DC DESERVE HIM 24/7 OR BEING IN CARE IF HE IS JAILED?

ADHD does not make people beat up their wives.

He can fully control himself in public, at work, I presume? So why is it only you his ADHD causes him to beat up?

Was his previous custodial sentence for hurting you or someone else?

Can you show the paramedics this thread if you feel tongue tied in the moment?

if you feel over dramatic, let them decide.

if you can’t do any of this, where can your kids go? Tell the school or childline they are in an abusive home and you can’t leave.

OP the police will not take anything further if they don't believe a crime has been committed. They will tell you pretty quickly if you've wasted their time by calling them out for nothing. How to proceed will be their decision, you don't have to be the one to judge if it's " bad enough" or not. Please call them, and let them do their job. For your kids' sakes.

Please, get to A and E. Disclose.
Accept refuge for you and children, wherever in the UK it is.

He's fucked you up so bad OP that you no longer trust yourself. But you have evidence now OP, you have the racoon eyes. You need to tell everyone how you got them - doctors, police, SS, family, friends. Then you need to let them tell you what to do. You need to know that you can't trust yourself and listen to other people that you can trust. He is NOT one of those people.

@Forevertrappedhere gently asking but do you understand ADHD or have you just been conditioned to believe it’s the cause of all of his behaviour? ADHD does not cause someone to be cruel, violent or abusive, it is not a reason to inflict pain and suffering on someone else.

There are millions of people across the world living with ADHD who are completely functional members of society. They hold down jobs, look after their children and can sustain loving relationships. Yes they may have to make adjustments to their day to day routine to accommodate their needs but this doesn’t involve verbally degrading, drugging, beating or sexually assaulting anyone. He is using this as an excuse to do whatever he wants to you and you are so crushed down by him that you aren’t resisting or pushing back.

His behaviour is escalating, what you’ve told us here seems so much worse than a year ago. He will continue to escalate as long as he has access to you. Ultimately he will eventually do something that will end with him behind bars indefinitely and your children with no parents.

Deep down you want to leave, otherwise you wouldn’t have reached out to mumsnet again. You know this is wrong, you know you have to save yourself and your children. It’s clear you have extreme levels of PTSD and are trauma bonded to this man in a way most of us can’t comprehend.

You know you can’t save him but you can save yourself and your children. You can do this, you did it before, you just need to put things in place to help you stay away.

Who will look after your kids when he has (and he will) killed you? Don't they deserve better ? YOU are abusing them by staying with this monster.

If you won't go to the police. Go to the doctor and get some professional help. Tell them everything, and I mean everything you have said on here.

Another pp is right..you have a duty of care for your children.

He will kill you OP.

This is it now. This is the time you have to push on and tell the police everything so that he gets custodial so you have some time to get your children safe.

That’s the choice - it’s either him or them now.

You can do this x

@Forevertrappedhere im so sad to hear you are back in this awful situation and it sounds like the abuse is so much worse than before. Clearly you are so conditioned by him that you feel unable to break free and it’s heartbreaking to hear. You left before, you can do it again but this time you need to cut all contact so that he can’t draw you back in.
Please call an ambulance, it sounds like you have a severe head injury. Tell the paramedics what he did, press charges, do whatever you can to get him away from you and your children.
If you can’t do it to protect yourself do it to protect them, you are the person they need to be able to save them. You can do this, don’t let him control their lives too, or worse.

OP, please, please speak to the police, or someone in A&E (saw your post on the other thread re head injury).
You need help, there is help out there.
Things will not get better whilst you’re with him, for your own sanity and safety and that of your children, please get help.

The police will help, they will put you in touch with others and who can help.

Im not saying any of this will be easy, but it has to be better than how you’re living now.

Please speak to someone

You must call the police and an ambulance - do it now - you must get medical help. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your poor children.

Your kids can be saved. And so can you. You have a duty protect your kids. Phone the police, tell them what you’ve said here. They will help you.