PART 2: I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

I think your children have probably seen far more than you suggest. But even if they truly have witnessed only 1% of the abuse, they are being damaged simply by being in an abusive household. They have already experienced more trauma than many people ever have to cope with in their lives. Every day you remain is one more day of trauma for your children.

I know you love your children. And I know you're terrified. But please do whatever it takes to put your children above the terror. You don't have to do everything today. Just do the next thing. Please ring 999.

Women’s Aid and a social worker would be there to help you take the next steps if you can.

Once you start, more and more people will be there to help as the full horror of the situation is revealed.

The kids school will help. Any other parent at school who you choose to tell would help. Your family, friends and neighbours would help.

Any sane human who hears your story would want to help you it’s heartbreaking what he’s done to you.

Oh stop it.

Your children will be acutely away of this horror .

You need to own this fully OP otherwise there’s little hope

Is there somewhere else your children can go to live? They are living in hell. They are your responsibility, you must help them.

The other thread was 2024

These kids have been living in hell.

And I’m sorry @Forevertrappedhere but other people are right about the risk to your children. Eventually, they will be able to clearly tell other adults about the abuse in your household and very soon if your oldest is 5. It would be better for you to seek help now rather than risk losing your children if it all comes to a head and you aren’t already trying to leave. I don’t say this to make you more afraid. But just to indicate that if all you have for the first year is “my children and I are safe, physically and emotionally,” that’s enough. I left everything. At the lowest point, a friend had to buy me new pants. But it was worth all of it.

I completely agree with this.
If you are unable to protect your children they need taking into care ASAP. You are choosing a domestic abuser over their welfare. You need to do something today about this.

I had to get a lot of help.

I took both propranolol for racing heartbeat/palpitations and needed a sedating medication about once a day for the first few months (lorazepam, but they often use alprazolam). I was in talk therapy with someone who specialized in trauma for several years.

I didn’t cope for the first two years. I survived one day after the next, allowing the love of my friends and family to get me over the hump when I thought I couldn’t get up in the morning. For my friend, she got up for her children. There are women all over this country and the world who can’t get out of bed for themselves sometimes. You are not a failure. You are not a disappointment.

But you will feel awful mentally. You will feel guilty and evil and horrible, because you’re so far down the hole that you can’t even see the sky above you. But the sky is still there; I can see it right outside my window.

All you have to do right now is realize: it’s him or you. You have the right to safety. You have the right to survive. You have the right to recover, and the right to find new life. HE does not have a right to your support or love. Those are things we give to people who are worthy of them, and eventually with a lot of help, you’ll be able to say, “You know what? I didn’t deserve the abuse he gave me, and he didn’t deserve the support I gave him.”

I think sometimes the idea that leaving is the hardest part is misleading. For so many of us, it’s NOT leaving. It’s waking up the morning AFTER you leave and trying not to have a never-ending panic attack, especially since life admin doesn’t stop.

You need to call 999. You need to leave. And if you are hospitalized, you need to be honest with your family so they can help support you mentally with not going back.

Change is TERRIFYING. But there is very little that could be worse than what you’ve got right now. You can’t take endless pain and ill treatment; animals can’t survive that and humans can’t either. It’s time to leave, love.

Oh they would

but the chances of this op doing something that would actually benefit her DC?

Do you mean SS won’t act?

Oh i wish

I can’t believe the school havent stepped in before now

Are you a professional actress or something? Are you working on a screenplay? If not then stop typing and pick up the phone. Start using your words. Start with women's aid.

Phone social services and have your children removed. If you won’t leave their dad, then you NEED to do that for them.

I’m sorry to be blunt. I know you’re really struggling, but it’s true

I don’t know how much more of this I can read.
You have a serious head injury by the sounds of it, which needs treatment.
You are also seriously mentally ill because of this man and you need treatment.
The children are suffering abuse by seeing you abused.
Get yourself sectioned, and let someone else take over.
When you stop posting in the next day or so, we will know that you have died, and im very sorry to be harsh.
This creature needs removing from society.
Sending all good wishes, sincerely.

Is there anyone else you could call, who would call the police on your behalf? It would take the decision out of your hands, and they would be making the decision that what you described is serious enough (as it clearly is) for you to call the police instead.

You want someone who understands. Lots of us do. There is absolutely no torture worse than the kind you can put YOURSELF through mentally. The mind is an amazing thing, and it’s able to make you very, very sick when you’re experiencing such high stress for so long.

You need to stop thinking of this as just DV. It’s much more like a hostage situation, and your own brain is conspiring with your husband/partner against you. You feel confused and shattered into a million pieces, yes? It’s like a hostage who starts to sympathize with their jailer; your brain is telling you all kind of things to try to force you to survive this since it figures that’s the only option if you’re not leaving.

Love, it will kill you. He will kill you. Your children need you to stay alive; no one will ever be able to replace their mum. And it sounds like you are able to go to supportive family while awaiting council support, instead of being in a hostel.

But you must connect with 999 and Women’s Aid. Today. You could have a very serious head injury and not realize it; I saw someone who thought they just had a concussion, and turned out to have a skull fracture. Please, call 999 and call them now. If you can’t sit up without puking, grab the children and go to a neighbour. Any neighbour. If a woman with raccoon eyes and children who needed an ambulance showed up on my doorstep, I’d open the door in a heartbeat.

It took everything I had to escape my ex and I almost killed myself. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

If you need help calling 999, please return to this thread and I’m sure most of us would be happy to help you take that initial step. But if you’re puking when you sit up, it’s 999 time right now.

YOU DESERVE SAFETY. YOU DESERVE PEACE. And personally, I feel your GP is 100% wrong about meds not helping. You don’t have to have them, no, but they can absolutely make this initial step easier. If you have that sick, shaky feeling with your heart racing, it might be helped temporarily by a beta blocker like propranolol, which has no addictive issues. Even taking a mild sedative for a few days would be fine; you need whatever will help you get out of this situation, and an emergency GP through 111 could hopefully give you an out-of-hours appointment to attend today. If the feeling of the constant panic attack forced you to go back, then you may need to take something JUST until you’re able to start counseling.

But please, leave today. There is a better life out there. Absolutely no horseshite. I’m living it right now with my second husband. And I was fat, sick, old, and broke when we found each other.

What you feel when you try to leave is what A LOT of us feel. It takes something like an average of seven attempts before successfully leaving an abusive partner. You are not a failure, and no one on MN is disappointed in you.

But it’s time to call 999 or go straight to attending hospital, love. It can’t wait any longer. Puking when you sit up is at best a serious concussion.

You must be in so much emotional and physical pain and so exhausted. Do not think about tomorrow and the next day. Just get through today with the medical help you need, and deal with tomorrow when it arrives.

Also: second husband has ADHD, and is the most gentle soul I know, even when experiencing burnout. He’s horrified to think another man is using it as an excuse to be an abuser. There is no possible excuse or justification for what he’s done to you, I promise you.

I know it’s not easy and you probably don’t believe this, because he has conditioned you not to, but you deserve so much more.
So do your children.
Please tell someone so that they can help you get out. Your children need you.

He may have been a victim of trauma in the past, but HE IS NOT THE VICTIM IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP. His trauma is not an excuse for what he has done and continues to do to you. There is no trauma he has experienced that justifies what he is doing to you.

At some point if one of your children discloses what is happening at home to someone then the decision may be taken out of your hands and your children could be removed from the home and taken out of your care if you refuse to stay away from your abuser.

That would be such a worse upheaval for them (although in the long term safer) than them leaving with you and adjusting to life in a safe, quiet home with you while he is in custody where he belongs.