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Original poster

Has anyone experienced continuous random negative life events beyond their control?

70 replies

jjourneys · 13/04/2026 21:52

I feel like I’ve had 3/4 significant life events over the last 15 years that I haven’t been able to fully recover from over the long term.

I realise that chronic stress and anxiety can change the physiology of the brain and how we process and function over the long term, and I seriously think this is what has happened to me, but I feel I need a run of lucky breaks (or just 1 lol!) to bring me back to somewhere where I was before this started to happen.

I don’t mean to sound negative or filled with self pity, I’m actually a ‘glass half full’ type of person !! But I just have managed to get to a point of cognitive realisation of the impact of having to be constantly resilient. And that is resilience isn’t a neverending resource to tap into.

Ive actually started to write a book about it as a way of helping me process, but just wondered if anyone else had any knowledge or experience on the subject? BTW I’m 50 this Summer.

much love x

OP posts:
singswithitsfingers · 13/04/2026 22:38

Bunnyofhope · 13/04/2026 22:17

Honestly yes everyone has experienced three really bad events in a decade.
Can you seriously think of any person who hasn't experienced at least three of these....
A terrible health diagnosis for themselves or a loved one
The death of a loved one
Imprisonment
Miscarriage, failure to conceive, still birth
Bankruptcy, assault, rape, homelessness, redundancy, divorce, estrangement....
I do agree with you though, that this shit changes you. And often not for the better.

I’m not sure this is true. Both my parents have died in the last 10 years, but they were elderly and had had extremely good lives. My husband has a not great medical condition but he is ok and we are making the best of it.

Hodofls · 13/04/2026 22:37

I think ... fwiw, that everyone experiences both good and bad life events. If you believe you know someone who hasn't had any negative experiences, it's because you don't know them very well.

I also think that some things are more difficult for you/me/whoever to get past. It could be for any number of reasons, but sometimes we get stuck. And then we see our continuing lives through a different lens, because we're stuck. Life is no longer a process, but a series of further obstacles. Counselling can help. Time, friendship, connection, finding one's purpose, can also help. But counselling can be really really useful. You might think you don't need it because you know what's wrong - it's bloody obvious, it's because xyz happened, then this other bad thing happened. Well, ok they did, but you don't need to continually open yourself up to the damage afresh, every day, forever from now on.

moggerhanger · 13/04/2026 22:33

I don't think it's unusual. In fact I think as we get older, shit hits the fan much more frequently. As a comparison, I had the following in an 18 month period: beloved FIL dying horribly from pancreatic cancer; DH developing another cancer (treatable, thankfully); becoming gravely ill in late pregnancy, plus traumatic birth of DS; DM becoming suddenly very unwell with dementia; miscarriage. I managed to plod on but it left me mentally battered for quite some while.

Pixiedust49 · 13/04/2026 22:29

jjourneys · 13/04/2026 22:24

I don’t believe everyone does experience 3 really bad events in 10, or even 20, years. For example my parents haven’t experienced any of those examples you listed … which if they’re in the minority, they’ve been exceedingly lucky. Maybe I’ve got their share lols! (Joke) …

As I say, I am a glass half full type of person, and also very strong in getting through what I have, but just need the status quo to be calm for a bit! And maybe some therapy :/.

Edited
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I agree. My parents are in their early eighties and have led relatively peaceful lives. I am 50 now but experienced rape, domestic violence and the sudden death of a much loved husband before I was 30. In fact the most distress they have endured is worrying about me!

Original poster
jjourneys · 13/04/2026 22:25

martha79 · 13/04/2026 22:21

It's a method of processing traumatic memories - https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/drugs-and-treatments/talking-therapy-and-counselling/emdr/

It helped me reduce how much I was going over memories of particular incidents, and calmed down my reaction to the memories and other triggers. I'm not saying I'm 'fixed' (not least because I think I should have stayed in therapy longer or gone back to it) but it definitely made a difference.

Show quote history

Thanks Martha I’ll look into it x

OP posts:
Original poster
jjourneys · 13/04/2026 22:24

Bunnyofhope · 13/04/2026 22:17

Honestly yes everyone has experienced three really bad events in a decade.
Can you seriously think of any person who hasn't experienced at least three of these....
A terrible health diagnosis for themselves or a loved one
The death of a loved one
Imprisonment
Miscarriage, failure to conceive, still birth
Bankruptcy, assault, rape, homelessness, redundancy, divorce, estrangement....
I do agree with you though, that this shit changes you. And often not for the better.

I don’t believe everyone does experience 3 really bad events in 10, or even 20, years. For example my parents haven’t experienced any of those examples you listed … which if they’re in the minority, they’ve been exceedingly lucky. Maybe I’ve got their share lols! (Joke) …

As I say, I am a glass half full type of person, and also very strong in getting through what I have, but just need the status quo to be calm for a bit! And maybe some therapy :/.

OP posts:
martha79 · 13/04/2026 22:21

jjourneys · 13/04/2026 22:15

What’s EMDR therapy? How has this helped you?

Edited
Show quote history

It's a method of processing traumatic memories - https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/drugs-and-treatments/talking-therapy-and-counselling/emdr/

It helped me reduce how much I was going over memories of particular incidents, and calmed down my reaction to the memories and other triggers. I'm not saying I'm 'fixed' (not least because I think I should have stayed in therapy longer or gone back to it) but it definitely made a difference.

Bunnyofhope · 13/04/2026 22:17

Honestly yes everyone has experienced three really bad events in a decade.
Can you seriously think of any person who hasn't experienced at least three of these....
A terrible health diagnosis for themselves or a loved one
The death of a loved one
Imprisonment
Miscarriage, failure to conceive, still birth
Bankruptcy, assault, rape, homelessness, redundancy, divorce, estrangement....
I do agree with you though, that this shit changes you. And often not for the better.

Original poster
jjourneys · 13/04/2026 22:15

martha79 · 13/04/2026 22:02

Counselling (where the counsellor was actually the one to point out that rather a lot of negative things had happened) and as part of that, EMDR therapy to deal with specific incidents.

What’s EMDR therapy? How has this helped you?

OP posts:
Original poster
jjourneys · 13/04/2026 22:13

’Calm’ … Chasingrainbows8 we both said the same thing x

OP posts:
Original poster
jjourneys · 13/04/2026 22:13

As a result of the negative events - 15 years ago I ran a global team of 30 employees, owned two businesses, travelled extensively and money was never an issue. Now I can barely remember what I did yesterday, or even successfully land a minimum wage cleaning job.

I don’t want to return to the point where I was 15 years ago, I just want consistent life calm :/.

OP posts:
ChasingRainbows8 · 13/04/2026 22:06

My dad's death, my close friends suicide, separation and a diagnosis of cancer in 5 months last year has left me in a bad place, constant fight, flight of freeze. I a hoping for a calm few years to help me properly process this time.

Original poster
jjourneys · 13/04/2026 22:05

Probably four I would, but one lasted 6 years or so of that 15, one was my husband leaving me after 17 years of marriage, another a major legal issue I got found guilty of, despite being innocent that lasted about 4 years. I’m being completely honest here, in case people think I’m making it up 🤦🏼‍♀️. I do think, although they have been unrelated, the impact of each has compounded each one further on the ability of my brain to be resilient and ‘bounce back’. It’s definitely been permanently changed - more so than just ageing or experience.

OP posts:
martha79 · 13/04/2026 22:02

Counselling (where the counsellor was actually the one to point out that rather a lot of negative things had happened) and as part of that, EMDR therapy to deal with specific incidents.

Iydrd · 13/04/2026 22:01

Yes this has happened to me. I had to pull up my big girls pants and get on with life because I have kids and they need to be fed and clothed. Menopause and anxiety make it hard but not impossible.

fuuuuckthis · 13/04/2026 22:01

I have no answers and would be interested...bereavement, serious change in physical health and marriage breakdown in the past 3 years have really left me quite a different person

NormasArse · 13/04/2026 22:01

Three unexpected deaths of people very close to me, in the last 7 years, and estrangement from my DD, who has BPD.

I’m trying to be philosophical about life; I have good friends, a loving extended family, and I’m not in need, or danger.

Sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating with sorrow, but then I focus on all that is good. It sounds trite, but gratitude really does make a person happier.

Original poster
jjourneys · 13/04/2026 21:58

I don’t want to pry on specifics of what anyone has been through, as I haven’t shared mine, just more interested if similar has happened to others and strategies they might have used.

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 13/04/2026 21:58

Three or four (which is it?) significant life events over 15 years is not uncommon. How many good events have you had over that same period?

keepswimming38 · 13/04/2026 21:55

It’s not clear if you just want stories of random tragedies ( I can supply those) or actual tips and strategies to overcome them ( not so many of those).