What does OCD look like for you?

My heart really goes out to you.
For me, I had the same toilet seat worry, along with having to say certain phrases in the right order at bedtime or my family would die in the night, I had to hang the washing a certain way or one of them would get hurt (usually my husband on the way home from work), turning the landing light on and off at bedtime, organising books in height order, and the worst one was self harming so I didn't harm my baby (I never would have, but I was terrified I would).
I also had massive issues over chemicals around him so we had organic everything. Also things around certain numbers and textures, colours etc. All very exhausting.
I ended up with a diagnosis of PND and OCD, had meds which helped all this was 20 years ago. During the lockdowns it was like a switch and they all but one suddenly disappeared, it was hugely liberating but incredibly strange. I've been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety since then. The doctor said it's likely been since teenage years and the OCD was my brain not coping with being a mum. I'm also waiting to be assessed for Autism. I often wonder if that's why it suddenly stopped during lockdown - no social interactions or pressures, just a massive reset. Who knows 🤷‍♀️
Apologies for the long post
I hope you're able to get the support you need IRL too xx

Hello, firstly
secondly I believe the subtype of OCD that you have is referred to as Pure O (just the obsession, without the compulsions). Do try searching that for other peoples experiences and when looking for management strategies x

I was diagnosed with OCD last year, though I've been diagnosed with anxiety and depressive disorder, GAD, PTSD for many years.

My OCD is much more focused on my intrusive thoughts that tend to be th same themes, such as harm/death coming to me or my family. I do alot of checking, reassurance seeking, but for me, the worst is the thoughts, I fixate on them and I have been very very unwell the last 2/3 years with it, it's made me paranoid, anxious, and honestly I'm just a shell of a person now. I don't like to leave the house, I struggle to be alone, I have overwhelming rage and meltdowns, I have no patience because my brain is always on overdrive, I have a special needs toddler too and I worry that he's gonna be like me, it's ruined my life.

Things for me that make me spiral, that at the time are logical to me

My hands were itching, I convinced myself someone had laced my door with poison and was trying to harm me.

If I'm driving and I see an ambulance, I will have to go back and check that I haven't accidently hurt someone without realising

Constantly checking my body for bruises, lumps, heart rate, blood pressure

Not sleeping at night because I'm afraid someone will break into my home, it I'm worried something bad will happen, a fire, etc

Not drinking tap water because I'm scared it'll be poisoned

Not trying or eating new foods in case I'm allergic.

When my son was a baby I used to have horrible thoughts that I would throw him down the stairs, or harm him. I still get them now and it's so scary cos you know you don't want to do that but the thoughts are just there and the more you try to ignore it the worst it gets.

People that don't have it will never understand and I get laughed at by my whole family but what they don't understand is these things are real to me, and very distressing. I wouldn't wish this terrible illness on anyone. It's truly horrific and affects every aspect of my life. Sometimes I think I can't do it anymore. It's utterly horrible.

Some of this resonates with me although I've never had a diagnosis or treatment. I had forgotten but I must have experienced this since childhood. I remember getting a computer game for Christmas one year and it had a warning about epilepsy and I was absolutely eaten up about it, wouldn't play the game and was convinced I had epilepsy. I remember other times when I thought I had a brain tumour, cancer, HIV etc too.

I also struggle a lot whilst pregnant with major contamination OCD. I can barely eat as I'm so worried that something may have come into contact with the food and I'll get toxoplasmosis or listeria. I also worry about the affect of inhaling something harmful on the baby. I'd hold my breath after using screen wash in the car because of the smell. I wouldn't use hand gel incase the alcohol reached the baby. The list goes on...

I don't think mine affects my daily life too much but it certainly can at times especially whilst pregnant.

Good luck if you seek support. I'm sure it'll help.