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Original poster

Age 66, depressed and tearful. Long post. Please read.

39 replies

Suburbanqueen · 08/02/2026 18:12

Hi everyone

I don't know how to move forward with this. I was with my ex-husband for 32 years, married for 29. 2 adult children. At 58 we had had enough of full time work (big US corporations) and although the marriage had always been very rocky and we had split up once for a year, we had reunited and we decided to move down to the South coast. I had already been suffering with severe, intransigent depression and anxiety. We lived in a lovely house in the London suburb I grew up in. I was worried about the move but the ex was keen to go and we went in 2018. At first it wasn't too bad. We moved into a lovely road, close to a beautiful beach and the neighbours were friendly and sociable.

The problems in the marriage resurfaced of course. He drank secretly and often and he became verbally cruel and embarrassing. When he was sober he was mostly ok. I had had a lifetime of a horrible narcissistic mother who became an abusive alcoholic and him to deal with. I had been very, very unwell in London and had behaved weirdly a few times but I had held down a demanding job and had survived 5 rounds of redundancy. Add in the mix a drug addicted , depressed and anxious adult son (mostly weed) who only worked part time. My ex husband didn't seem to think the drugs were a problem so it was just me who was trying to get him to stop ( didn't work of course). Said son moved down with us and issues continued.

I had masses of counselling, EMDR, DBT and 121 talking sessions which maybe helped a bit but not much. Exh was awful to me there. Ignoring me, drinking, belittling, mocking (only in private) but Covid ramped everything up. I went to work part time but was 'let go' at the end of my probation period in a GP surgery. I then found another job in a different practice and was there 4 years. Ex went to work part time in a hospital in an admin role.
He wanted a divorce and after 3 or 4 retractions of that, in the end he was determined to see it through and we managed to split the assets 50/50 and sell the house at a small loss. He stayed down there as did my son but I wanted to get away because I didn't want to run the risk of bumping into him and any women he may or may not have had. Son moved in with his girlfriend. Ex got the dog, I got the cat. I made the choice to move to Berkshire where my daughter and granddaughter are. It was such a hard decision. I am nearer my lifelong friends in West London but they are all married. Friends and family have been wonderful to me and I am eternally grateful but I have come to a new town where I don't know anyone. I started some voluntary work for a large charity which is mostly fun although I have made any 'friends' there. I also went to a GP surgery again part time. It came to the end of my probation and they terminated my employment saying that I didn't seem happy and had a negative influence on the group. I think my boss there was irritated with me because I asked a lot of questions and challenged her but she spoke to us all like we were just minions instead of people with brains. This happened on Thursday last week

I had been doing quite well mentally and was hoping to come off some of my medication. I am now almost back to how I was at my worst and the most stupid thing was I just wanted to run 'home' and tell my exh. Ridiculous and silly and pretty pathetic. I feel I have no resilience and no backbone. I am so lonely I just don't know what to do. The structure of my week has disappeared and it's a big financial blow. I can survive without the money luckily but I won't be having a riotous time. All I want to do is go to bed and sleep. I just don't care what happens to me anymore. I get some support from my daughter and son in law but I have been told that unless I am stable (I.e. not crying) I won't be able to see my granddaughter whom I adore. I get that they are protecting her but it feels harsh. They never ask if I would like to join them on holiday from time to time and I don't see much of them at weekends or in school holidays. They are angry about money all the time and bang on about how we boomers had it easy. I can't change the way society works and they spend their money quite freely, as is their right of course. I would give up everything I have to feel well and strong. I am so alone now with memories and haunted by ghosts .... by that I mean it's very triggering to look at photos or to remember some of the happier times.

I made many mistakes as a Mum and I have apologised to both kids for those. Exh was in a job which necessitated traveling and he was often away. I rand the house, worked full-time, had an awful mother and did my best. It was hard but nothing Iike as hard as this.
I also had a gynae op and discovered I have herpes (assume from exh), a breast cancer scare, a bowel cancer scare and a knee replacement. I just don't know how to go forward now or even if I can. I can't afford counselling and tbh I am not really sure it helps. My view of myself as an intelligent useful member of society is gone. I can't even hold onto a minimum wage job. I have a mental health review with a GP on Tuesday. I have no idea who the doctor is but nobody can scatter fairy dust and make it all ok.
Can anyone help at all? I am very medicated with antidepressants and Pregabalin. I take Pheneghan and Melatonin at night but I don't sleep much. I miss so much about my old life and I really miss my exh even though he didn't want me. My kids have no time for him and get angry if I say anything good about him and there were some good traits.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Italiangreyhound · 09/05/2026 17:16

I wish you the best with your art classes.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

HarrietofFire · 06/05/2026 21:34

I’m sorry that life has been so difficult for you OP. Do take a look at The Ramblers website. Their easy walks are just a few miles and they take you to beautiful places. I really hope you start to feel better soon.

Fruitsaladfortea · 06/05/2026 21:18

Sorry to hear you have been so low OP. I think you are doing really well with introducing some structure into your day, particularly the volunteer work and the art classes.
I totally understand how it feels to be lonely and to struggle to see the point in life. Wishing you all the best x

Original poster
Suburbanqueen · 06/05/2026 21:07

Thank you everyone. Things have been pretty dark for me and I ended up in hospital briefly. I am still recovering and feeling very fragile. My mood is very labile but I am trying to plan something to do every day to create some kind of structure. I am waiting to talk to a prescribing mental health nurse as I can't see the psychiatrist again until August. I am on Venlaflaxine and have been for a few years. I am also on Pregabalin and I think with the exception of MAOIs and ECT I've probably tried the lot. I know there are some more experimental drugs out there but I am a bit scared of trying those. There isn't a cure for loneliness and disappointment only to suck it up and accept it. Some days aren't so bad and some are just awful. You've all given me some good advice and I do keep trying. I've joined a community art class which is good and I work in a charity shop once ir twice a week. Yes, I'm now officially retired and am trying to appreciate all this free time.

Thanks again for all your suggestions.

OP posts:
JacknDiane · 05/05/2026 09:52

Im wishing you all the best too @Suburbanqueen

From a nearly 60 something, lying in bed and wondering what to do with myself...

Coffeeisnotmycupoftea · 05/05/2026 09:17

I have just realised this is from a few months ago. How are you doing OP? I hope things are looking a little more positive for you.

Shrinkhole · 05/05/2026 09:02

I know you say you are medicated but looks like it doesn’t work have you considered asking the GP for a review? Many people have SSRIs endlessly but never anything else. Have you tried an SNRI like venlafaxine or even something more old school like a TCA or MAOi. In most areas the GP can ask for psychiatric advice if they are out of ideas even if you don’t get seen in person.

Italiangreyhound · 04/05/2026 23:00

Can you take some very gentle exercise classes to help with mood and also, potentially meet some new people.

I wish you all the best for the future.

Hoanna · 04/05/2026 22:57

I would just retire...tbh....and tell everyone to fuck off. Honestly. It is the best cure to people who don't want you

SallyTish · 04/05/2026 22:50

I am also your age - and it’s not easy. You need to let go of the trauma, don’t let it define you. Take one baby step at a time. Live simply, and for yourself.

Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly what you’re thinking. You’re far from alone.

Supporterofwomensrights · 10/02/2026 21:08

You've had some great advice. Don't think I can add anything but you really do sound like you've tried your best and have dealt with huge challenges one after the other. I agree about cutting yourself some slack, as far as possible, and doing things for yourself that are really caring. I agree with PP about the importance of spending some time outside every day, even when it's drizzling and unappealing. The days are getting longer and you won't always feel the way you do now so hang on in there.

Original poster
Suburbanqueen · 10/02/2026 20:06

Thank you for the latest contributors. Orangeopalfruits, your note was so kind and understanding that it really touched me. And to Miranda65 and Beepboopbop your ideas made sense..I do miss my dog and I will look into the Cinnamon trust. I also fancy the book club idea, yoga and swimming. Money is a bit of a worry but for now I think I have enough. I do have a cousin in Spain and I will fly out and stay with her. I have to be around most of the time because of my cat. My son in law didn't want the cat around after they had a baby so I took her and the poor cat has had 6 house moves in 9 years. She is very nervous and needs some stability.
I am also going to look at some more volunteering. Maybe something where I'm outside.
Wild water swimming!!!! No, I swam in the sea often from May to September but I never got used to cold water. I do miss the sea though.

Thanks again to you all. X

OP posts:
Summerhillsquare · 10/02/2026 17:31

What do you enjoy @Suburbanqueen?

A lot of older women seem to enjoy open water swimming and apparently it's great for depression. (Wild horses would not drag me in personally!)
I like pilates, a brisk walk in the sunshine, watching tennis and crap TV, stand up comedy, shopping on vinted....life has thrown many curve balls at me so I try to get my own back on it by having as much fun as possible.

hattie43 · 10/02/2026 17:07

Do you know what I’d do . I’d grab my journal , escape to someone in the sun on my own . And just be . Take some time to find clarity , heal , and then think about what you what the rest of your life to look like . Where do you want to live , who do you want around you , find things you enjoy . You can’t change the past but take time to understand and learn from it . Your past doesn’t have to shape your future.

Miranda65 · 10/02/2026 16:44

OP, if you are already 66, can you survive until 67 without having to go back to work? Of course, you can claim benefits, and then at 67 you will get your state pension. It will be a far less stressful lifestyle, and you can devote your time to things that benefit your MH. You have been through so many jobs, and it does sound as if the 21st century work environment isn't for you.
Just let your kids do their own thing, rather than relying on them for company, and look at expanding your social circle.....volunteering, book group, exercise class, art group etc. There are loads of opportunities for retired people - make the most of them!

OrangeOpalFruits · 10/02/2026 16:38

NeverDropYourMooncup · 08/02/2026 18:54

My kids have no time for him and get angry if I say anything good about him and there were some good traits.

They endured a childhood of his addictions and your constant fighting and breaking up. And now you're mithering after the source of their childhood traumas and complaining they don't want to take you on holiday with them.

Edited

@NeverDropYourMooncup You're a piece of work, aren't you?

BeepBoopBop · 10/02/2026 16:34

Sometimes normal human contact is enough to feel seen. Do you miss your DDog? Perhaps if you could borrow a dog a couple of times a week and go for a nice walk, or join the Cinnamon Trust as a volunteer walker, that would get you out into the world. A smile and a friendly word from a stranger is sometimes all it takes to help you breath. Dog walkers are good for a quick natter.
Good luck - with some of the ideas and strategies already given, you will start enjoying life again.

OrangeOpalFruits · 10/02/2026 16:31

OP, big hugs, you sound so lost.But you were with your exh for nearly half of your life-that loss is profound and utterly life-changing. I think sometimes bereavement is easier than a bitter, toxic divorce, because there is no real ending in a divorce-I think you know that, having moved away.A couple of things stood out to me about your children.First, that they are wrapped up in their own lives.And second, that they don't see you as you, just mum.And as hurtful as that is, it's the way of the world.This is your time to give yourself permission to grieve and mourn the life you had, including your childhood and your mother, and to acccept that at 66, you have to start again.
Please do let yourself sleep, stay in bed, rest, and don't feel useless because life has overwhelmed you. You haven't just escaped a toxic, selfish marriage, you are carrying a sense of guilt that you have somehow failed your children and haven't launched into a diffferent structure of work and friendship in the new town.But you have battled on for decades, seemingly with little or no support or recognition, and that's soul-destroying.
I would focus on quiet days, self-care, journalling and anything that helps you escape your thoughts-reading, swimming, walking, etc. You are experiencing trauma, and possibly unresolved trauma from childhood.Finding a psychotherapist you feel comfortable with when you feel strong enough will help you to heal and find your way.
You don't have to be strong, to cope, to suppress your tears, to pretend everything is OK. I would also, depending on your financial situation, not even think about working-you can ask for a fit note from the GP, and use the next few weeks/months to rest and protect yourself.Daffodil

Original poster
Suburbanqueen · 10/02/2026 16:01

Hi again everyone. I have just seen my GP and she is referring me back for mental health support. My mood is very up and down and I just can't seem to stabilise things. I think I will at least not look for a job until the autumn now. I might prefer temp work or zero hours as I would be very wary of committing to anything else.
I have some amazing, kind friends and they have all rallied round.
I think the wanting to run back to my exh is just a longing for someone to hug me, make me a cup of tea and tell me it's all going to be ok. He did that sometimes but then he could be pretty cruel the other times. Anyway, it's not a real wish to have him back, it's a longing to have a proper partnership and some safe haven. But the past is the past.

Thank you again to those who offered constructive comments and suggestions.

OP posts:
Pinkday · 10/02/2026 10:16

How are you doing op
Are things improving

Petrine · 09/02/2026 16:30

I can’t really add anything to the good advice that you’ve had OP but I want to wish you well.

I’m older than you now but a few years ago I had a major trauma occur in my life. I won’t go into details here but I couldn’t see how I could survive through it at the time. It took a number of years but eventually I did pull through it, not unscathed, but I found I could move on.

You’ve had a difficult time but it too will pass. Better times will emerge.

Wishing you all the best…

EmeraldSakara · 09/02/2026 15:50

thestudio · 08/02/2026 19:12

OP I'm sorry you're feeling so low - it sounds like you have really been through the mill, and - despite saying you have no resilience - have picked yourself up again and again.

I don't have many answers but two things jumped out (I'm sorry if they sound critical or harsh, they are intended to help not hurt).

Firstly, it sounds as though you're leaning really heavily on your DD. She's put boundaries around your GD because you can't hold your emotions back when you're around her child - and she's very right to do so.

You mention that you had a narcissistic mother, and sometimes grief/loss/depression can make us behave very self-centredly, to the point of narcissism. Even though we're fundamentally not-narcissistic, the impact on those around us can be similar. Try not to put such an emotional load on your daughter, because that isn't what parents should do to a child, even when they're grown. I think that you will feel another deep loss if she begins to pull away for her own wellbeing.

Secondly, to lose two similar jobs, probably for the same reason, makes me think you're not suited to that kind of work. Unless you can learn to keep your feelings hidden, you'll come up against this again I fear.

In sum - It sounds to me that your past, especially your narcissistic mother and alcoholic husband, have been very traumatic, and the very common result is that you find it very difficult to regulate your emotions and soothe or calm yourself. The horrible and very unfair truth is that this can make you quite a difficult person yourself - and perhaps a little controlling. A vicious circle develops. You feel that you need and are owed support and you panic when that doesn't come in the form you feel you need it in -and this panic makes those around you draw further and further away.

I'm sorry, I don't have time to write more but again, I hope this doesn't sound critical - as I say I think it's pretty common and i've seen these traits in myself, so speak from experience.

I would look for trauma focused psychotherapy (not counselling) and make it very clear that I needed help with emotional regulation. I'd also look into ADHD - I've noticed that it's often present in these situations and while it's definitely not the case that all ADHD is childhood-trauma-related, there does seem to be a link in some cases. (this might explain your problems with keeping your opinions to yourself at work).

Edited

The above post is very wise- hopefully OP can take it in the way it was intended.

Pinkday · 09/02/2026 11:58

Suburbanqueen · 08/02/2026 20:50

Thank you to all of you....even the unnecessarily nasty poster. You all have views which differ and are valid. I do understand my daughter's motives and I don't think she's wrong.......but that still makes it hard to hear.
Yes, working in the NHS is clearly not for me even though the patients loved me. The patients aren't often top priority in a GP Practice.....it's essentially a private business which is there to make money. Anyway, that's irrelevant. I will read and reread your comments. I guess I'm still alive and kicking, albeit weakly. I am very lucky to have such an amazing daughter.

Accepting change as we age is extremely hard. Many of you will be considerably younger and I sat in judgement on my parents and I feel guilt every day. I miss my Dad every day even though he died nearly 30 years ago. The arrogance of youth.....

I did report the nasty post ..but Mumsnet have obviously left it up .
I don't get why ,when someone needs support, someone is nasty ..
But away .lots of other kind posters have replied to you ,and I do hope you are feeling a bit better
It's good your not desperate money wise for another job and you can take your time to think what suits you .
Sometimes we get so far down its hard to see the wood from the trees and then it's hard to pull yourself back up
But please be kind to yourself,you deserve kindness xx

Original poster
Suburbanqueen · 08/02/2026 20:50

Thank you to all of you....even the unnecessarily nasty poster. You all have views which differ and are valid. I do understand my daughter's motives and I don't think she's wrong.......but that still makes it hard to hear.
Yes, working in the NHS is clearly not for me even though the patients loved me. The patients aren't often top priority in a GP Practice.....it's essentially a private business which is there to make money. Anyway, that's irrelevant. I will read and reread your comments. I guess I'm still alive and kicking, albeit weakly. I am very lucky to have such an amazing daughter.

Accepting change as we age is extremely hard. Many of you will be considerably younger and I sat in judgement on my parents and I feel guilt every day. I miss my Dad every day even though he died nearly 30 years ago. The arrogance of youth.....

OP posts:
Shrinkhole · 08/02/2026 19:36

maybe some different therapy? look up CAT and see if anyone offers it in your area or group analysis. These are more suited than short term therapies for deep seated issues.