Page 6 | Living with Bipolar

TopsyTurvyDays · 2025-06-24T15:52:11+00:00

Named changed and starting a thread just to reach for some understanding I think. In my 50s, diagnosed a couple of years ago with bipolar when had episode of hympomania. Got back in touch with consultant yesterday as could feel mood lifting (I get more mania than depression). I don’t get euphoria- just angst and misery. Consultant is trying to help me find something more constant I can take to help get enough sleep, as sleeping tablets are addictive and stop working. I’m just tired and worried and constantly monitoring. Worried I’ll be too much for my friends one day. Worried that I’ve passed on troublesome genes to my kids. Not too worried about my DH as he seems to take it in his stride… looking back I was disguising mild mania with being drunk when we met back in our uni days - so when I fell over the edge, it was all behaviour he’d seen before. We had a worrying couple of days while they ruled out brain tumours etc. The only people who were mean to me (shouted and screamed) when I slid down the slope into needing an ambulance were my family - siblings and parents. That’s hurt. I thought I’d imploded my life but actually it’s all gone back to being the same 99%. I worry for the future. I had an adverse reaction to diazepam and I couldn’t get them to believe me because they thought my behaviour was all the mania. My DH believed me and he got them to believe him. I worry I won’t be able to drive in the future as we live rurally. But living where we live is part of the reason I held on so long as it’s so peaceful and I love it. Doesn’t work if can’t drive though (lockdown was a taster of what being stuck in house 24/7 was like and it was unbearable for me).

MarmadukeM · 03/06/2026 17:22

Superscientist · 03/06/2026 16:59

It's really easy to not be depressed. You wake up look at the blue sky and click your ruby red shoes together and wish out of the dark

Ah cheers I’ll do that! 😂

Superscientist · 03/06/2026 16:59

It's really easy to not be depressed. You wake up look at the blue sky and click your ruby red shoes together and wish out of the dark

MarmadukeM · 03/06/2026 14:58

Infact they made me feel like it was my own fault that I’m depressed and I need to just stop being depressed 😖

MarmadukeM · 03/06/2026 14:57

TopsyTurvyDays · 03/06/2026 14:48

I’m so sorry. What a difficult day you had. Please be as kind to yourself as you can manage. The crisis team are just a tool you need to put up with to get the support and medication you need. All the best hanging on for the consultant review.

Do you have genuine support from family or friends? In our area they have a dedicated Mindline, which I’ve not tried yet (as I only found out about it yesterday). I’m sure your area will too.

Bipolar is such a hard illness to live with. The middle zone you’re in where you desperately need help immediately but the crisis team don’t view you as being in a full crisis is so painful. Take care.

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Thanks xxx yes I have friends and family who are supportive so I am lucky in that respect. And even though we are splitting up my husband is supporting me too, he is a good person. I hate having to deal with the crisis team, they made me feel like a real fool and I suppose I was but it didn’t help my mood one bit I suppose at least they have given me ‘supportive’ medication - all I want is to feel like myself again!

Original poster

TopsyTurvyDays · 03/06/2026 14:48

MarmadukeM · 03/06/2026 14:31

I am mortified at myself. I’ve been struggling so much with depression and anxiety and I’ve not been ‘right’ for about a year now. Yesterday I freaked out, went to the woods with alcohol and pills and was sitting trying to psych myself up to take them. Then my STBXH rang and I answered and he rang the police. They came and I got handcuffed because I totally freaked out and tried to run away then was screaming my head off. I’ve totally lost the plot. I ended up being taken home and the crisis team came and were pretty unpleasant with me so I felt even worse. I’ve got kids ffs what’s wrong with me? I just seem to lose control and feel like it’s all too much and I won’t get better and can’t carry on. I have a consultant review next week and got diazepam and zopiclone for now to keep me calm but I feel like such a failure. I need to get a grip of myself, I know I do, but it feels impossible at the minute 🙁

Edited

I’m so sorry. What a difficult day you had. Please be as kind to yourself as you can manage. The crisis team are just a tool you need to put up with to get the support and medication you need. All the best hanging on for the consultant review.

Do you have genuine support from family or friends? In our area they have a dedicated Mindline, which I’ve not tried yet (as I only found out about it yesterday). I’m sure your area will too.

Bipolar is such a hard illness to live with. The middle zone you’re in where you desperately need help immediately but the crisis team don’t view you as being in a full crisis is so painful. Take care.

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MarmadukeM · 03/06/2026 14:31

I am mortified at myself. I’ve been struggling so much with depression and anxiety and I’ve not been ‘right’ for about a year now. Yesterday I freaked out, went to the woods with alcohol and pills and was sitting trying to psych myself up to take them. Then my STBXH rang and I answered and he rang the police. They came and I got handcuffed because I totally freaked out and tried to run away then was screaming my head off. I’ve totally lost the plot. I ended up being taken home and the crisis team came and were pretty unpleasant with me so I felt even worse. I’ve got kids ffs what’s wrong with me? I just seem to lose control and feel like it’s all too much and I won’t get better and can’t carry on. I have a consultant review next week and got diazepam and zopiclone for now to keep me calm but I feel like such a failure. I need to get a grip of myself, I know I do, but it feels impossible at the minute 🙁

Original poster

TopsyTurvyDays · 02/06/2026 06:55

Superscientist · 01/06/2026 22:50

@TopsyTurvyDays I was in that place for a while. It was after I moved and I was pretty stable and because I worked full time I was told I couldn't possibly need secondary service. When I had an episode I was referred back for meds review and discharged again with in 2-3 months. I wasn't on lithium at the time but it did make things difficult to feel like that there was a safety net to catch me

This is exactly the problem I think - I don’t feel safe and I feel like I’m having to be my own care coordinator. My GP has suggested I go to PALS. I’m also thinking I might see a psychiatrist privately to have someone who knows the system advise me.
I have a lovely life. I just want to be able to access it.,

Thanks so much to both of you to listening. It’s so lonely. I try not to burden my DH too much and I haven’t told my friends. They’ve been fab but at some point a friendship needs some good times to keep it going. I’m well enough on the lithium increase and melatonin that I can put on a front. It does leave me treary snd physically exhausted when I’m on my own.

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Superscientist · 01/06/2026 22:50

@TopsyTurvyDays I was in that place for a while. It was after I moved and I was pretty stable and because I worked full time I was told I couldn't possibly need secondary service. When I had an episode I was referred back for meds review and discharged again with in 2-3 months. I wasn't on lithium at the time but it did make things difficult to feel like that there was a safety net to catch me

MarmadukeM · 01/06/2026 22:45

How frustrating- and typical! Ring them tomorrow I say x

Original poster

TopsyTurvyDays · 01/06/2026 21:58

MarmadukeM · 01/06/2026 21:27

Sorry to hear that - are you still under them or had you been discharged? I’m having a shit time as well so I feel for you xx

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Are you under them? I’m sorry you’re having tough time too.

I was discharged back to primary care a year after I left hospital having been in for 3 weeks and diagnosed. But as soon as I struggled l, primary care said they could not alter my lithium and referred be back to secondary care. Well actually they said maybe I could just call first as a quicker route. Consultant very kindly called me back and gave me direct access via her email. When she was off sick at the start of this year then left suddenly, support has been difficult to get. I think she came back to work but not to the community department. I think I fit somewhere between primary and secondary care. Primary care can’t help me and secondary care doesn’t have time too. It’s so hard knowing I’m not a difficult case and they could help me but it doesn’t happen.

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MarmadukeM · 01/06/2026 21:27

TopsyTurvyDays · 01/06/2026 20:06

Hi Everyone, I hope you’re all doing ok.
I called CMHT and asked to speak to duty team on Friday morning, as I felt my depressive episode wasn’t lifting. Still haven’t had a call back. I’m now questioning if I should be bothering them and maybe I’m not too depressed. I find this condition so hard to deal with.

Sorry to hear that - are you still under them or had you been discharged? I’m having a shit time as well so I feel for you xx

Original poster

TopsyTurvyDays · 01/06/2026 20:06

Hi Everyone, I hope you’re all doing ok.
I called CMHT and asked to speak to duty team on Friday morning, as I felt my depressive episode wasn’t lifting. Still haven’t had a call back. I’m now questioning if I should be bothering them and maybe I’m not too depressed. I find this condition so hard to deal with.

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KurtCobainLover · 22/05/2026 12:41

In my area the GP is responsible to monitoring me whilst I'm on lithium and then referring back to the mental health team if I've become unwell. To be fair to the mental health team I've always had a phone call the day the referral went in but it's just another layer for me to navigate when I'm feeling unwell.

They bounce me back to GP care as quickly as possible and I really don't like my new consultant. Last time I saw him he asked me what I wanted them to do and got stroppy when I said I didn't know and they are the experts.

Original poster

TopsyTurvyDays · 22/05/2026 12:34

KurtCobainLover · 22/05/2026 10:59

Please I join? I've been backwards and forwards to the mental health team since I was diagnosed in 2019 - I've tried various medications and different combinations which have never left me stable. I go from being high to low quite quickly depending on what meds they give me (currently on lamotragine, aripiprazol and lithium).

This time I've been under them for 6 months and feeling hopeless. I have a review with the psychiatrist next week and my care coordinator has already told me that I'll be discharged and left to get on with it. I feel like I've reached the end of the road medication wise that this is as a good as it's going to get. I used to be quite high flying and my house was immaculate - now I work part time, get pip and LCWRA and my house is a mess.

Anyone else felt like this?

I thought lithium needed secondary care oversight? I was told my GP can dispense it under a shared care agreement with community mental health team but monitoring and responsibility stays with community mental health team so always officially under their care?

I’ve had problems with care being patchy and slow after my consultant left. It is really challenging. My GP recommended I consult PALs. In a situation like you describe, I would definitely speak to PALs.

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KurtCobainLover · 22/05/2026 10:59

Please I join? I've been backwards and forwards to the mental health team since I was diagnosed in 2019 - I've tried various medications and different combinations which have never left me stable. I go from being high to low quite quickly depending on what meds they give me (currently on lamotragine, aripiprazol and lithium).

This time I've been under them for 6 months and feeling hopeless. I have a review with the psychiatrist next week and my care coordinator has already told me that I'll be discharged and left to get on with it. I feel like I've reached the end of the road medication wise that this is as a good as it's going to get. I used to be quite high flying and my house was immaculate - now I work part time, get pip and LCWRA and my house is a mess.

Anyone else felt like this?

MarmadukeM · 21/05/2026 20:54

I’m not surprised you are fed up. I hope you dont have to wait too long for the appointment xx

Superscientist · 21/05/2026 18:16

Yes with the thyroid post partum thyroiditis might be a cause and they can prescribe short courses of treatment to ride out that. The low iron can slow the thyroid down too.
I am getting to the point where I'd be willing to consider restarting lithium from a mental health perspective as my son is doing well with food and is seems to be ok with dairy but I'm hesitant to do so when my body is as wiped out as it is as last time it had an impact on my thyroid function.
Similar to the iron though my tsh is on the low side as well as the T4 so my body isn't correcting itself. When I was on lithium I had low T4 but my tsh was high so I didn't feel as slowed as I do right now.

I've just come up to bed for a nap, all I've managed to day it to walk my daughter to school this morning yet I feel like I have run a marathon.

MarmadukeM · 21/05/2026 16:03

Superscientist · 21/05/2026 15:45

I have had a barrage of tests, I am awaiting an endocrinology appointment as it most probably links back to the effect estrogen had on my liver and kidneys in pregnancy.
My thyroid and parahyroid are intermittently borderline too and the inflammation is probably a result of the icp/hellp on pregnancy.

She was only interested in the iron aspect.

In this case she didn't seem to be aware that I'm bipolar or under the perinatal team but I definitely had this in pregnancy. I was in maternity triage for severe fatigue and they were worried that I was falling asleep whilst talking to the Dr by the time I got to the ward an hour later that was all forgotten and it was my mental health and due to my medication.... That I had been on for 12 years.

I was so lucky I had my psychiatrist otherwise I think I would have found myself on the way to an MBU and taken off all my meds that keep me stable

Well hopefully the endocrinologist might actually have some useful ideas. The thyroid thing, I have come across people at my job where they are given thyroid replacement even though they don’t meet certain thresholds. I think any specialist has more confidence to try things that primary care aren’t comfortable with so 🤞you get some joy from them.

Superscientist · 21/05/2026 15:45

I have had a barrage of tests, I am awaiting an endocrinology appointment as it most probably links back to the effect estrogen had on my liver and kidneys in pregnancy.
My thyroid and parahyroid are intermittently borderline too and the inflammation is probably a result of the icp/hellp on pregnancy.

She was only interested in the iron aspect.

In this case she didn't seem to be aware that I'm bipolar or under the perinatal team but I definitely had this in pregnancy. I was in maternity triage for severe fatigue and they were worried that I was falling asleep whilst talking to the Dr by the time I got to the ward an hour later that was all forgotten and it was my mental health and due to my medication.... That I had been on for 12 years.

I was so lucky I had my psychiatrist otherwise I think I would have found myself on the way to an MBU and taken off all my meds that keep me stable

MarmadukeM · 21/05/2026 15:35

Superscientist · 21/05/2026 15:14

Thanks @TopsyTurvyDays I had a good cry on my friend apparently this nurse is notorious for being dreadful. The nurse phoned me back after talking to the GP who is also known for being dismissive.
The only thing they can offer is to retest my iron in a month's time and maybe I will miraculously recover. I've asked for their complaints procedure.

She just kept repeating my haemoglobin is normal. Yes but it has been dropping steadily since October! The bnf says if haemoglobin hasn't increased by 20 in the first 4 weeks of iron treatment that it is being poorly absorbed mine has increased by 2 in 8 weeks.

I now have an appointment with one of the advanced nurse practitioners that's known for being really good in the morning. My blood results show that my iron stores are depleted and also that my body has switched off the mechanism for absorbing iron but she wouldn't just kept coming back to the one test result that's normal.

It's frustrating as a woman that the moment you try to be assertive and advocate for yourself you get classed as being emotional. I've read my notes for the consultation and it's mostly about how distressed I was

I get what you say - I feel like when I go to the doctors I am not ‘Jennie’ I am ‘bipolar disorder’ and all roads lead back to it. And they don’t actually know what to do with you anyway most of the time.
I know you are a science person , but have they done intrinsic factor testing and that kind of thing? Or could you ask them to do an advice and guidance request to say haematology?

Superscientist · 21/05/2026 15:14

Thanks @TopsyTurvyDays I had a good cry on my friend apparently this nurse is notorious for being dreadful. The nurse phoned me back after talking to the GP who is also known for being dismissive.
The only thing they can offer is to retest my iron in a month's time and maybe I will miraculously recover. I've asked for their complaints procedure.

She just kept repeating my haemoglobin is normal. Yes but it has been dropping steadily since October! The bnf says if haemoglobin hasn't increased by 20 in the first 4 weeks of iron treatment that it is being poorly absorbed mine has increased by 2 in 8 weeks.

I now have an appointment with one of the advanced nurse practitioners that's known for being really good in the morning. My blood results show that my iron stores are depleted and also that my body has switched off the mechanism for absorbing iron but she wouldn't just kept coming back to the one test result that's normal.

It's frustrating as a woman that the moment you try to be assertive and advocate for yourself you get classed as being emotional. I've read my notes for the consultation and it's mostly about how distressed I was

Original poster

TopsyTurvyDays · 21/05/2026 13:37

Superscientist · 21/05/2026 11:14

I just want a moan about how any complaints get turned back to mental health.
I'm still massively struggling with fatigue. It's been ongoing since August when I was hospitalised in pregnancy because of it. They then decided it was due to a mental health crisis. I was induced and it improved somewhat but not great. I've been having repeated blood tests since October and the response to every set is "hmm I think we need to retest them in another month" without really changing anything.

I've been on iron for the last 8 weeks and it has made no difference so I have had another appointment today asking for something different. I can't keep running on empty. I was getting upset because of just how hard I'm finding things because I'm so fatigued. So she stopped talking about my physical health and switched to the "are you suicidal, do you need support for your emotional health"
I had to point her to my records which so I have bipolar, I'm in a depressive episode and the surgery has several letters from my psychiatrist saying please sort out her physical health as it is holding back her pnd recovery

It’s a really tough side to having this condition . I really feel for you, I find the question “what’s stopping you from”… question quite useful in these types of circumstances. Eg what would they do next for someone in your position who doesn’t have an SMI.

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Superscientist · 21/05/2026 11:14

I just want a moan about how any complaints get turned back to mental health.
I'm still massively struggling with fatigue. It's been ongoing since August when I was hospitalised in pregnancy because of it. They then decided it was due to a mental health crisis. I was induced and it improved somewhat but not great. I've been having repeated blood tests since October and the response to every set is "hmm I think we need to retest them in another month" without really changing anything.

I've been on iron for the last 8 weeks and it has made no difference so I have had another appointment today asking for something different. I can't keep running on empty. I was getting upset because of just how hard I'm finding things because I'm so fatigued. So she stopped talking about my physical health and switched to the "are you suicidal, do you need support for your emotional health"
I had to point her to my records which so I have bipolar, I'm in a depressive episode and the surgery has several letters from my psychiatrist saying please sort out her physical health as it is holding back her pnd recovery

MarmadukeM · 20/05/2026 19:21

TopsyTurvyDays · 20/05/2026 19:03

Promethazine helped me not be awake but for me it was not restorative sleep. My sleep issues got so bad I needed an emergency medication review, as I was significantly depressed. They tried me on melatonin which has been amazing. I go to sleep and stay asleep till morning now. It does give me occasional seasickness type nausea after I take it but that’s rare and totally worth it. Two years of little to no sleep was so awful.

I would definitely recommend giving it a go and seeing how it works for you.

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Thanks, I will try it tonight. I’m not going near the trazodone again 🤦‍♀️I don’t know if it’s a bipolar thing but so many antidepressants get me wired really easily and it’s deeply unpleasant. X

Original poster

TopsyTurvyDays · 20/05/2026 19:03

MarmadukeM · 20/05/2026 17:12

I tried 150mg of trazodone last night to try and help
my insomnia - my god it was awful 🤦‍♀️I woke after 45mins (12.15am) with palpitations and anxiety etc, felt terrible! It is meant to be sedating but last night, apparently not 😖 I’m exhausted today as I think had total of 2hrs sleep max. Psychiatrist mentioned could try promethazine so I bought some but I’m a bit unsure what to do…
anyone had similar reaction to trazodone? Experience of promethazine? Be grateful if anyone could share xx
i really don’t want to take the trazodone tonight, I can’t cope with another night like last night!

Edited

Promethazine helped me not be awake but for me it was not restorative sleep. My sleep issues got so bad I needed an emergency medication review, as I was significantly depressed. They tried me on melatonin which has been amazing. I go to sleep and stay asleep till morning now. It does give me occasional seasickness type nausea after I take it but that’s rare and totally worth it. Two years of little to no sleep was so awful.

I would definitely recommend giving it a go and seeing how it works for you.

OP posts: