I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

OP, well done for starting this thread.

Well done for starting the live chat.

Keep going with the chat. And keep talking on here. You can absolutely do this, for your children's sake, and your own.

You all deserve to be safe.

This is quite possibly one of the most disturbing threads I have ever read on here and I’ve been here a long time and read all sorts of things.

I am truly sorry this has to you but I would urge you to find the courage to free your children from this monster.

You do not have to do it alone - you could even call SS or your children’s school and tell them what is happening to you.

They will help you get away from him at the very least.

When you bring children into the world you OWE it to them to at least feel safe in their own home. That is a basic human right.

If you continue to ignore your instincts then only further pain awaits you all

OP. Gather your personal documents(passport, birth certificates), laptop, chidren, underwear, and leave.

Go to your parents.

Contact womens aid from there.

Please do it now.

The reasons why women don't leave:
No money;
No job;
Nowhere to go;
No supportive family;
No support from the police (they don't believe you/won't take action);

None of this applies to you, OP. You have all this in place, including his previous conviction which will help you going forward if you need to fight for custody. You have won half the battle.

Now you have to win over your completely misplaced sense of responsibility for this piece of shit human. Childhood abuse is absolutely no excuse for what he is doing to you and your kids. And your co-dependent conditioning under his fist and foul mouth, your clear need to be needed by him, are no excuse for what you are subjecting your children to. Get the fuck out of there while you are still alive.

It’s a trauma cycle - he gives you just tiny tidbits of ‘nice’ him so that when you think of leaving, you cling onto those good bits and put it back on yourself - what can you do to fix it, why can’t you just try harder and he’ll be like that etc etc.

I understand why you stay even though it’s hard for others to see it as anything other than black and white. With that said however, please think of your children. They know so much more than you think.

There are things the police can do to help you as well in terms of protecting you going forward. This is your life and the life of your children forever if you don’t leave. Everything else can be sorted day by day but getting yourself to somewhere safe, with the children, is the biggest priority.

He can be so lovely and charming and kind sometimes. So rare. But i need that when im giving birth - one birth went very very off the books and im terrfied thatll happen again

.You said that you are scared because you can't do this alone. You don't have to do this alone. You said that your family want you to leave him. Your sister is helping babysit today. You are not alone.

Since him being lovely and charming is so rare, he may not be that person when you are giving birth. Midwifes are kind, Doctors are kind. Your family will be there to help.

If you are worried about a difficult birth, you need to start taking care of yourself and not stressing your body and your baby out with this understandable worry. Get to a safe place and you have more chance of your birth going well.

Seriously, he hits you daily, what if he hits you in the stomach and harms the baby? Who will look after your DC if that happens? Him?

Please please protect yourself, your unborn child and your other children and get out of that house today. Everything else can be sorted out once, including support for giving birth, once you are in a place of safety.

This is all normal. Your brain is trying to rationalise things and keep you safe, and it knows that what you're doing is super scary. It wants to submit because that's the safest option. It's OK. Stay on the chat.

As far as I'm aware Women's Aid will follow what you want to do to keep you safe.

It will be OK. You are not being silly. You are taking care of yourself which is your most important job. You are putting on your own oxygen mask first.

Hang in there. Wait for them to answer. If you can't do it for yourself, do it to save your children from ending up like him.

Well done OP, once you are away and not in daily contact this will get easier. You are being brave and you are being strong by leaving, you do need to get yourself and your kids out of there and they need you to so do it for them and try not to think too much now, just go.

OP, you have a supportive and loving family.

This is your lifeline.

All the things you say you are afraid to do? You WON'T be afraid when you don't live in constant fear.

The real things to fear are that he might actually kill you. And what would happen to your children then?
You might lose your children due to them living in such an unsafe and unhealthy environment.

You will certainly lose all ability to rescue yourself and your children, because that's what behaviour like his does: strips you of your self esteem, your self respect, your confidence, your strength and your ability to even know what is real.

Plan your escape. Get help from your family, Women's Aid (or similar in your area) , the police, and leave in a safe way. Don't give him clues or ultimatums, keep things as calm as possible, and then GO. If he is at home all the time you might need the police or assertive family members to escort you. Or pick you up from a supermarket car park - or whatever safe plan you make.

You are in the prime of your life, it is YOUR life. You may or may not find love in the future -but your chances will be stronger if you leave this death trap of a situation and spend some time healing and re-building yourself.

Can the children stay with your sister longer term? Or with your parents?

It's one thing for you to choose to stay but your children don't have a choice. It's not fair to put them in an abusive household.

You are making more progress than you realise.

You know intellectually you need to leave.
You are being honest that you don’t know emotionally how to leave.
You are asking for help and support.

You are not alone and people on these boards know that you will move according to your timetable not ours.

You are in serious danger from this man so it is important that you follow Women’s Aid’s advice on how to progress safely. Be the proverbial duck and glide smoothly in your life with him whilst paddling furiously out of sight. Do not say anything about leaving to him. Don’t give him any impression that today is any different from yesterday. Take time in the privacy of your own head to work out what you want to do.

Don’t expect him to care about your feelings or to see the error of his ways if you could just explain things in the right way. He does not see you as a human being with equal rights but as a possession to serve his needs. He will never treat you fairly or well because he doesn’t want to.

You are worth so much more than this life and so are your DC.

The thing is, OP, that you WILL die if you stay much longer. His hatred of you - not love, hatred - and his temper means he's very volatile.

Put your children first.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative.

This man is none of the above. He is intelligent and calculating. He has manipulated you into believing he cannot live without you.

BUT YOU CAN LIVE WITHOUT HIM.

Leave this piece of shit for the sake of your children.

He claims his childhood made him like this. Do me a favour. So he thinks it’s ok to behave in a way around his own children that will traumatise them for the rest of their lives.

Please get help.

Get in your car, right now and drive to your mum’s.

Block your husband on your phone. Do not engage with him on any media or if he turns up at their house.

Get your sister to bring your children to you there.

Do not go back, whatever happens.

THEN phone Women’s Aid.

How can you put your poor, poor children through this?

When is he coming back?

Can you not pack up now and leave?

you can message Women's Aid when you are safe

I am sure Women's Aid will say get to safety

Without having read anything except your original post, all I can say is please don’t be so stupid as to stay another day. For your children’s said more than anything, you need to leave. Don’t let him give you any excuses because there aren’t any - none, no excuse for how he treats you except for that you let him. You will ruin your children’s lives if you stay. Think of them and go. Also - report him to the police and get a ‘domestic violence protection notice’ so he can’t come near you until longer plans csn be made. Tell all to your health visitor and midwife and then the child’s school. You need all the available professionals to help you and help
keel him away from you.

Tell your dad everything today. It's really important that he knows.

Edited to say actually you said you grew up with this? Was your home situation abusive or did you mean something else? If the former don't tell your dad anything you don't want him to know.

If he's a good, decent man then ask him for help.

You have to leave, you have to break the cycle - your children will love you more for leaving believe me. I'm NC with my mum because she stayed in this situation and I cannot, even after 30 years, bring myself to forgive that, he moved on to the kids. Physical, sexual, emotional abuse - she left after we all left home because she'd rather us be brought up in an abusive, but not broken home.

You cannot fix him

He is not your problem to solve

How/if he copes when you leave is not your problem

He does not love you.

You deserve better, you deserve to be free

YOUR CHILDREN DESERVE BETTER

Keep saying those things over and over.

If you aren’t strong enough for yourself, be strong for your children, do you want them to grow up to be like him ? Think that’s the way to treat a partner? Expect to be treated that way by a partner?
Tell your lovely supportive family you need them, you need their support & you’ll need help during/after the birth. Let them surround you with genuine love & care. You are strong because no one can survive what you have without being strong. Please, please pick up that phone & ring womens aid, tell them everything, doesn’t matter if it comes out jumbled, just let it out.
When you get away, block him on every channel, make sure any access to children is through official supervised visits (womens aid will advise how to do that) any threats of suicide, call 999 and ask for a welfare check on him.

Tell your midwife & health visitor what you are going through so they can properly support you with the pregnancy and new baby. You need some therapy to help you through this & womens aid/midwife & family can all help you access that help.

Good luck, sending you a handhold.

You can do it. Keep thinking of your children, and what they need. They need to be out of there, but they also need you. Xx

You've got choices. Your children haven't, at least until they're adults. Then they may well vote with their feet and have little to do with their toxic family.

Can you not go to your parents today? Can you not gather your things before he comes home and leave?

You can speak with Women's Aid at your parents.

Please get out now