I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

Yes that's the key. OP is already doing that by postponing the decision to next week. It's a way of taking the stress out of the situation.

I agree. Take things a day/ hour at a time

Just for today, I will ...

Keep putting one foot in front of the other OP.
Just think - how many days have you survived now where no-one has hit you, spat on you, strangled you?
You're doing so well.

Likewise to you. I just know you will join me on the other side of this 💐

But he's not going to be sad and lonely, is he? He's going to be furious. And, in fairness, probably missing the pleasure he got from fucking with your head and torturing you physically.

He could see how lovable and wonderful you are. That's why he wanted to exterminate it. He hated it. Because if you were allowed to realise it, you'd leave and he wouldn't be able to get his kicks from your pain, fear and tears and the sense of power he got from you begging him to forgive you or to stop hurting you.

He'll realise he'll have to find somebody else to torture now. But that requires effort to convince them that he's really some poor, sad little boy who needs a Mummy to look after him for just long enough before he does the same again. Or an animal, as you don't have to convince them, you can go straight to abuse as soon as you've paid your money.

You've got to stay away. Ask somebody to delete his number from your phone if you can't bring yourself to do it and are feeling the temptation to go back and get the massive highs, agonising lows and the endorphin-adrenaline rush of being in danger all of the time.

I also still feel a bit sad for my ex as his life is shit.

Me too sometimes, @teenmaw, but then I remember him saying 'I hope you end up in the gutter' and I stop feeling sad for him.

I didn't end up in the gutter, I'm relieved to say. OP, I don't think there's a single woman on here who has ever regretted leaving their abuser. But I'm sure they all felt at some point the kind of crazy mixed-up emotions you're feeling now. Try to observe them but not get sucked into them. It really helps sometimes.

Don’t judge how you think your future will be based on how you’re feeling right now OP. Things feel terrible at the moment, much much worse than they felt a lot of the time when you were together. That doesn’t mean they will feel this terrible forever. Truly, they won’t. Happiness and peace are in your future. All you need to do is survive the period of time it takes to get there.

You are an example to your children. To your daughters you are showing strength and courage to leave, that you don't have to accept violence from a husband. Even your current anguish is an example of strength because you are staying away even though it hurts.

To your sons you are showing the violence towards women is unacceptable and that it can't be used to control women forever.

To all your children you are showing that you are putting your and their safety above everything else.

What you are doing will transform their lives as much as it does yours. They will grow up happy and confident instead of fearful and miserable.

I know it's hard. I was 18 when someone told me that even snacking children was violence and abuse. Because the physical abuse I suffered was always framed as "a punishment for naughtiness". Imagine not even realising I was abused because ot was so normal.

You are amazing. I know it doesn't feel like it. I know you feel wretched, but there is a better life without abuse out there for you. What you're doing is amazing, even though it's hard and painful.

Keep taking it one moment at a time. This evening is a week since you left. More than a week since you reached out and got help. It's been a week away from the abuse. There are more weeks of freedom to come. You can do this.

@Plastictrees - you are an amazing person - thank you for sharing your story. I am so glad that you have a great life now.

When you have been controlled and abused for that amount of time you lose your sense of self, sounds like he’s a horrific abuser. He’s probably gaslighting you and has destroyed all your confidence. I promise you once you’re free of this your life will be better get brave and go just do it. He’s not your responsibility. His behaviour is not your fault get away from this man. He’s so dangerous and he’s destroying your very self go go go

Small steps, day by day is great!

And you have been so productive and creative!

The TV being on is fine. Baking and piano is amazing!

Actually your day sounds like a normal day with a 5 year old, including some shouting.

You are clearly creative -write simple and / or silly poems with your 5 year old. Draw pictures of things that the two of you see new or changing every day -e.g a tree as it loses it's leaves day by day. (if not already all off) .

Now you have started the piano lessons, make a time for 10 mins every day.

Really glad you have the baby group to go to.

Chat to us about what you are up to.

A caravan break in January sounds fantastic!

I know you are disorientated and struggling, but as everyone says, it's normal. The longer you invest in now....the shorter time until it stops or becomes manageable!

I 'm so sorry I posted before I read to the end as I was so worried for you but I'm so glad you've got yourself out of there. Keep strong and be proud of yourself. You've been so so brave! Are your family helping you? Make sure he doesn't know where you are.

This is a very common way to feel from what I know about dv but you CAN do it. I promise you, it'll be ok. You're not responsible for him. You're responsible for your children. Be strong! 💪🏻 Look how many women are behind you. x

Hi OP I thought these might help you:

https://atlasofemotions.org/

@Plastictrees I wish and hope OP and everyone in her position can read your words and take courage from them.
💐

You are doing it OP. You are doing so well.

I work with victims of domestic abuse, as a clinician. I’ve also done published research on the topic. Believe me when I say how you are feeling is normal, the abuse and trauma creates a fog in your mind and it takes time to see clearly again. But you will. You absolutely can heal from this. Please don’t be scared of seeking help - trauma for therapy can be life changing.

I’ve never spoke about this on MN but I will make an exception as you’ve asked. I do have personal experience of this, which has likely contributed to my career now. The abuse took place in my first proper relationship. I also felt lost, broken, confused and driven demented by it all. I felt like a shell of myself and also like a fraud, masquerading publically as this strong, confident woman whilst being terrorised and de-humanised at home. I internalised it and felt ashamed; I thought his abuse was a reflection of me as a person. I was too ashamed to tell anyone or ask for help. I slept on park benches to get away from him. He tried to strangle me the night before my graduation, I still let him attend with my parents. I spent the morning of my university graduation meticulously covering up the intricate latticework of bruises that were covering my neck. Lots of my relatives have this graduation photo of me in their homes. It serves as a reminder for me of the agony of that time and what I endured.

It took me multiple attempts to leave. The thought of not contacting him or seeing him again was at impossible to imagine as the sun not rising tomorrow. It simply seemed impossible. I would wake up every morning in complete and total panic by him not being there. But somehow, step by step, day by day as you are, hours turned to days, turned to weeks, turned to months, turned to years. Turned to now. I started to speak out loud about what happened to me, I read everything, I eventually got therapy, I improved my confidence and self worth, I’ve got rock solid boundaries. I’ve got a wonderful DH now (and DC) and I often look at the life I’ve created - so safe and secure, a million miles away from that time, and can’t believe I’m here. Whilst also not believing my reality at that time. You can also be here - there is a future waiting for you that is safe and happy, different from what you’ve known and so much better. Believe it. Always remember what you deserve, even if you don’t believe it - one day you will.

You are ensuring your children will live better lives by leaving, and generations to come - what you are doing will have a remarkable impact on so many lives. You can do it, you are doing it, keep going.

Self talk, catch those thoughts, turn them back to reality and move the focus back to yourself and your children. Are you writing anything down? I found journaling really helped at this stage. I also still feel a bit sad for my ex as his life is shit. But he chose it and it hurts his children and that cannot be my life so my drive to succeed for me and my children far outweighs any sympathy I have for a grown man who makes poor choices. You will do this. It'll take a while but you can do it!

You are doing so well OP
if ever you have the slightest doubt or wobble, read your own first post - it is truly shocking.
Sending continued strength (because you are sooooo strong 💪🏻) 💐

I have said another week. Then i'll decide

But you HAVE decided. You've done the hardest bit.

Well done on what you achieved yesterday! What's on today's list?

PS. I bet every other Mum of a 5 year old shouted at them yesterday, too, so don't blame it on this.

You are doing well! One day at a time!

Can you look to do the Freedom Programme on line

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Get in touch with Womens Aid again if you need some support!

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/ive-left-and-i-need-support/

Refuge may also have a help line

Many women continue to experience abuse and harassment from their former partner long after they have left. Refuge is here for you. It doesn’t matter how long ago you left your abuser, you can call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline for confidential support, 24-hours a day, on 0808 2000 24747*_. We won’t tell you what to do, but we can support you to understand your options and make a plan.

If you're struggling please reach out for some support!

The thing is, i'm a fraud. On here I seem brave. I am not. My head is messed up. I am weak. I am pathetic.

OP, weak is what you're feeling. But strong is how you're acting. Hold on to that. Feel the fear and do it anyway. Try not to judge yourself. Don't let that critical voice destroy you.

One step at a time, away from your old life, to a better, safer one, where you and your children can flourish.

I cannot tell you how normal the way you are feeling is. Keep on writing down. I needed (and still do) need to do this in order to stop myself going back / calling him. You're not a fraud and this is not your fault in any way shape or form.
Just remember the "good times" weren't even that good, they just felt it in contrast to the bad times.
I promise you you will feel peace and this will settle for you. I remember not eating for the month of October (this year) after finally leaving mine. Its now mid to end of Nov, and its different. The pull is there but not as bad. You just need to keep on going as you are x

So sorry for what you're going through.

I grew up in an environment like you describe. Please leave. Your kids will suffer even if the abuse is only towards you. Though that is doubtful I'm afraid.

Sending love, luck and healing