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Original poster

im such a failure.

46 replies

nightowl · 08/11/2004 02:49

i dont want to post this. i dont want to keep complaining on here but i need to get it all out finally. everything seems so rubbish. i had a rubbish childhood and barely scraped through school. everyone gave up with me and said i would turn out bad. but i didnt..i had a fiance, owned a house and we had a planned baby when i was 19. he was prem and very sick for years to come. but i had a decent job and we were happy for a while. i was so proud that i didnt turn out like they all said i would. ok so we split mutually 5 years ago now but i was still ok. i got a horrible council house and did it up...it was so much hard work and being alone with a sick child nearly drove me insane...but i carried on no matter how hard it was. then last year i got back with an ex and he got me pg and left me 3 months gone. i nearly had a termination and it was the hardest thing i ever had to deal with. i was so frightened but i kept my baby and i now adore her and know i did the right thing. but then i lost my job to redundancy after 8 years and ever since i feel like such a failure and im going down. look at me now...i am what everybody thought i would be and i dont know how to change things. so sorry...just feeling sorry for myself.

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TwasTheNightBeforeXmasOwl · 05/12/2004 04:03

thanks for all your posts. theres a lot of things i need to do but to be able to do them i need the confidence so perhaps thats where i'll start. getting confidence, hmmmm... can i have some for christmas please? sometimes i cringe at the things i put on mumsnet but its so nice to be able to and it does help a great deal. as for the stalkers....theyre back but a person can only take so much...i'll take a lot of crap before i blow my top but i think its heading that way soon!! lucky for them im feeling festive right now

jammydodger · 04/12/2004 03:18

Hi there nightowl, I don't often post on here, being more of a lurker, but reading your thread made me feel , and I really hope that you have a fantastic Christmas with your kids - you sound like a really wonderful person who is very strong deep down, and you deserve all the happiness in the world, truly.

I arrived in a new city in a new country in August, with a two week old ds (and dh working very long hours), knowing no-one. I found that by going to a baby group, like a baby gym session or swimming class, etc., I was able to meet several people, and feel part of things. I don't know if that would help? I know it can be easier said than done. But can be good fun for you and your kids too.

Sorry, not much helpful advice I'm afraid, but sod the so-called friends, as others have said you deserve so much better. You're fab.

Lots of love xxxxxx

winnie1 · 04/12/2004 02:49

Nightowl, you are NOT a failure. Wish there was something constructive to say that hasn't been said. Your so-called friends don't deserve you (although I realise knowing that doesn't make their behaviour any easier to bare). I hope life starts getting easier for you very soon. Best wishes, winnie

linnyNollaig · 03/12/2004 22:13

Hi Nightowl..
Sorry you're going thro so much s##t. life,s very unfair sometimes..
Am irish so being irish means i've a wee prayer for ya!! (dont we always have a wee prayer for everything) Now im not too sure of it but here's the gist of it anyway..

Lord,
Grant me the strength to accept the things i cannot change,
The Courage to change the things i can..
And the Wisdom to know the difference..
Amen

Trying to think of some advise for you
but all your friends here on this thread
seem to have covered it all so i thought maybe this prayer might help
Chin up girl.. Your kids will never want for anything when they've so much love coming from you that's far more important than anythig else..
Try not to dwell on the things that you haven't got and focus on the things you have..
And any so called friends who've turned their back on you now, when you need their support the most, were never true to begin with..

bottle · 03/12/2004 22:11

dear nightowl thinking of you tonight, hang in there, bottlex

OLittleYurtofBethlehem · 03/12/2004 21:59

really really for you Nightowl - you are having such a tough time (I remember some of your other threads - are the stalkers leaving you alone now? i hope so)

I want to repeat want everyone else has said - You are not a failure - even though you feel it right now

My dh and you have a lot in common cos despite his best efforts he never seems to benefit. But he is determined that next year will be a better one. His motto is "Get busy living or get busy dying" from Shawshank redemption!

cardigansarenotjustforxmas · 03/12/2004 21:11

Nightowl,Hope you're ok. Reading your posts made me reflect on a situation of mine - I realised a short while ago that two people I thought were my good friends weren't. It came as a real shock & I felt sad. Now I'm trying to feel stronger for knowing that they're not bothered about me & have decided to make some new friends (I hope). My plan is to join an interest group that meets every once in a while. See how it works out. Sending you lots of best wishes xxx

Flumpette · 03/12/2004 20:50

How many women are out there with high flying careers but they can't conceive????? I was there until I was lucky to have baby via IVF.

Please think of most important thing, you and your family and your health. None of the rest compares!!! You can get another job at some point but you can't replace a child.

miam · 03/12/2004 20:46

Happy to listen nightowl and glad that you are feeling a little more upbeat. lol at being scared to log into MN for fear of a bashing!! I'm the same - but only because I cant seem to keep out of trouble, and then dread logging back on to see who has fallen out with me!! Ah well, hopefully other MNers have a short memory like me....

You are much too nice for your own good you know - that is why people walk over you. I don't mean that you should become as nasty as them, just wanted you to know that the problem is theirs, not yours. And you definately need to boost your confidence. Have you thought about doing a leisure college course, something you really enjoy or have wanted to do? Most colleges have a creche too. I do an art course every Friday - it gives me my sanity and I have met lots of nice people through it (mostly 60 and over it has to be said but young at heart!). I do feel that you need some time just for you - that is not selfish, just necessary!! I hope you think about it as something you could do in the new year. Things will sort themselves out one way or the other for you and if you want to whinge, whinge away!!

Original poster
nightowl · 03/12/2004 02:36

thankyou for your messsage miam xx im hoping that this was the lowest i could go and that things will get better. it is hard to get people out of my life that ive known for 15 years and im really not good at making friends. in rl im very shy, people misinterpret that as me being up my own arse or stuck up so its difficult. work really was the only place i felt comfortable meeting new people but obviously thats all gone now too. every rl friend ive had has ended up stabbing me in the back one way or another and i do wonder if i somehow bring this on myself for being an easy target. im a very nervous person...so much so that even sometimes im scared to switch on mumsnet in fear of something i said the night before getting me a bashing! im ridiculous at times! i think confidence is a big issue with me but i dont know how to get some! i dont mean this to be another whinging post (im not typing in a whingy voice if you see what i mean clear as mud that was i think!)as i am actually feeling a bit better probably with xmas approaching, im looking forward to that with the kids and hoping next year will be a better one. thanks for taking the time to listen xx

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miam · 02/12/2004 09:14

Oh nightowl - I am so sad to have read how bad things have got. Your 'friends' are definately no friends atall - you need to forget them and get them out of your life - they just seem to be making you more and more miserable. I know it is easy to say that as you do seem to be very lonely, but you really do not need them bringing you down any more. Why do you have problems sleeping? Have you spoken to the doctor about it? I know that if I am not getting enough sleep everything seems about a thousand times worse and I just cannot cope with anything. Perhaps it would help if you were able to deal with the insomnia. Then you would have the stamina to get back out there and meet new people, which is what I really feel you need to do. Don't let anyone bully you anymore - you are worth much more than that (could there be a hint of jealousy to cause the way they are acting??). You are strong enough to deal with this, it just seems like there is no way out for you at the moment, but there will be. It will blow over in time, and you will pick yourself up again. Wish I could do more for you. xxx

Original poster
nightowl · 01/12/2004 04:12

well its really blown up this weekend. wont go into too much detail but ive had even more trouble, sent the children to my mother's house one night as i was so scared for us and stayed here to look after my house. next day i decided better of that and went to stay with her too. i did go out saturday but it all turned stale when my so called best friend decided to rub it in my face that she was going out with all the women who had been talking about me. silly i know but i was incredibly hurt. i tried to tell her but she turned around and said she didnt need my crap basically. i just about stopped myself from doing something very very silly. i just wanted so much for someone to realise how bad ive been feeling and be there for me like i was for them. its like talking to a brick wall. i dont know why...whether they just think im strong and i'll be fine, whether they just dont give a damn. im of the opinion that my so called friends just think im attention seeking tbh. theyve always known that im lonely but im ok with not having a bf as long as i have my friends...seems i dont even have them now. i sit in my house. i see only my baby all day. i dont speak to another adult. my mother pops in at teatime for 5 mins and thats it. i rarely go out..my group of female friends dont go out anymore now they have bfs and its not very often my other friend has the money or she is working all hours. stupid i guess me saying that when i had the two "stalker" friends but that only adds to the problem. i know i need to get out and do things but no matter how tired i am at night i dont sleep. im tired all day and barely have the energy to get off the sofa let alone sort my life out. where on earth do i go from here? everything that has happened the last year or so has now gotten to me and i cant forget..its like a huge list in my head which just gets more and more...everything that happens is one more kick...and i cant see now how to get up? im not strong anymore

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anorak · 15/11/2004 09:18

nightowl, I've been in that position. I have a very good male friend and several years ago he was working at my house when I drove him home to collect a tool. I saw his wife looking out of the window so I smiled and waved from the car, but she just glared at me. I found out that she thought I was carrying on with her husband!! Not true. The next time I saw her I tried to talk to her but she just blanked me. Eventually my friend managed to convince her that nothing had ever happened and now she is very friendly with me, but I clearly remember the unfairness of it all. I was lucky that my friend defended me and told her to stop listening to stupid local gossip and listen to him instead.

And the more you try to defend yourself the more people think there is smoke so there must be fire. Better to keep a dignified silence, is what I now think. Surely it won't be long before they get bored and move on to another victim.

jabberwocky · 15/11/2004 04:31

Hang in there nightowl. I've been there before and then have to force myself to say F**k 'em if they have nothing better to do! You're a great mum and a lovely person.

Original poster
nightowl · 15/11/2004 01:01

do feel better after my girls night in...(apart from the fact it was me who bought the wine) friend was terrible this morning but we had a good laugh over it. note to self...ten shots in succession are not good for a person. could be a stressfull day tomorrow...monday is school day but im going to try not to listen to idiots who have nothing better to do than talk about me..they must have sadder lives than mine. my weight has been bothering me for a long time and tomorrow im starting a new diet and taking up excersize again...frankly ive been scared to after my c section but it isnt twinging now. lovely...just now got to stop alcohol, cigarettes, get some sleep, win the lottery, marry colin farrell and my life will be complete! have a nice time miam xx

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mrsmiawallace · 14/11/2004 22:56

ooh just off to bed and noticed this, if your still here...HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME YOU DESERVE IT.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

miam · 14/11/2004 10:23

So glad you are feeling a little better nightowl. And thanks for the compliment . I've often wanted to talk to you, but you are generally up much, much later than I am!!! One of these days though... Am off to Prague now (lucky me) but will be back in a few days, so hopefully I will catch up with you then. Take care. xx

Original poster
nightowl · 14/11/2004 03:13

thanks so much miam, my friend doesnt want to get involved and who could blame her...she has problems of her own. i am feeling slightly better today. another friend (who is, as ever completely immune to other people's views) has been to visit tonight and i got her drunk . she is now softy sleeping upstairs bless her. (and she's usually the wild one!) i wish i was more like her, she doesnt care what people say and she's forever optimistic. its good i think to have friends so much not like me! i do feel better for talking to her..suprising what a difference a bit of the right company makes. can i just say miam, that ive seen your posts around and i think you are a lovely caring person. thankyou!

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miam · 13/11/2004 08:34

nightowl!! Don't feel guilty about how upset you are - anyone would feel the same. Poor you - you do not deserve this. Do you know who started this story? Can your friend not put everyone straight? And it is no wonder this is affecting you so badly, considering how you were feeling before and what you have gone through already. You really find out who your friends are in situations like this. Wish I could give you some excellent advice to make it go away, but all I can say is that it will blow over in time, although that doesnt help much now. Really feel for you and hope it is sorted out soon and you can clear your name. Hugs xxx

Original poster
nightowl · 13/11/2004 01:58

if i was stronger then playground chatter wouldnt get to me but at the moment im taking everything in. sorry to still be complaining

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Original poster
nightowl · 13/11/2004 01:56

well its me again. i was all for getting myself together yesterday and i was starting to have hope for the future...until i had more trouble come my way. to cut a long story short.. i had a male friend of a male friend working at my house. this person i soon found out, my best female friend knows (not very well, their children go to the same school) during the time he was working for me, he and his partner split. but now IM being blamed for it...stories are going around the playground (playground being exactly what it is) that he was up to something with me. its not true. my best friend knows this but im hearing so much from her and i feel that she's trying to make me feel guilty. this man's ex is trying to turn all my friends against me and i did nothing. i told her i would go lie in the playground so they could all kick me! ive been crying so much again because my friends are all i have left...now even they seem to doubt me. i keep asking myself why this is happening to me and i know that soon i will have noone left at all. i would never intentionally hurt anyone, they should know this...but they dont seem to. im so low right now i could happily end it all. i wont because i will never do that to my children, but still im hurting so much and noone seems to take me seriously. i know its trivial but right now it feels like the last straw.

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MrsMiaWallace · 11/11/2004 23:17

just off to bed.
but just wanted to say, i really feel for you and want to tell you..itll be okay. your not a failure and you are what 'you' think you are, not what people expected because you havent laid down and give up.
good luck.
x

MUSA · 11/11/2004 23:10

Nightowl YOU'UR NOT A FAILURE you have two lovely children in your life. I was in the same boat as you but in a different way.

My in-laws put me down so much when myself and my husband wanted to get married, she even refused to come to the wedding and husband's father, brother and sister, they did'nt come to the wedding.

His mother put me down so much, saying things like, don't marry her she will leave you and really horrible stuff.

It broke my heart, and my husband's heart when they did'nt come to the wedding.

I was with him for 6 years before we decided to get married, and have being married for 9 years now. I have ayear old son now.

And you know what i will never sink to their level, and nor should you lovey hold your hand up high, because you have to lovely children. Don't feel sorry for yourself get a grip and get on with it.

You can get through anything in life, if you want to. You have come along way you can do it. x

miam · 11/11/2004 19:29

nightowl - sorry you are having such a rough time. You are a lovely person, and a wonderful parent - that is so clear from the importance you put on their happiness. It seems that your therapist was not the one for you. You need to find one that you are comfortable with. I wondered what kind of therapy you were receiving. If it was not CBT, it may be worth looking into it, as it does not focus on your past experiences (which I think you may have been having difficulties with understandably) but rather on how you cope with your thoughts right now. It helps you to deal with your feelings and put things back into focus. I really feel it would help you. How have you been today? xx

Original poster
nightowl · 11/11/2004 04:11

i did try many years ago but i found it made me feel worse...i hear thats common at first but i couldnt stand it so i didnt go again after a while. my counsellor made me feel uncomfortable and i know at least one other person that said the same about him..there is always the option of a different one i guess?

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