Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Original poster

How much longer do I have to feel like this?

365 replies

Depressedmum32 · 14/10/2004 10:29

Can some one give some advice please, I just recently gave birth to my 4th baby and for the rist month I felt fantastic and was flying round doing everything. Iwas so wired that one night I was cleaning my windows at 5am after feeding ds!!!Then I started to feel ill, like I had the flu, kept feelomg dizzy and this went on for couple of weeks before I collapsed with chest pain and was rushed to hospital. Was told I had a blood clot on my ling and spent the whole weekend feeling hysterical, had to stop breastfeeding as I was on blood thinners. Cried cos I missed my children so much and thought I was going to die. Then they told me I had no blood clot just pleurisy and sent me home. I first felt relieved to be home and with children but after a couple of days I started to have Panic attacks for no reason, I was just suddenly get this rush of fear and feel terrified. Then I started waking up in the night with my heart racing hystarical with fear, so eventually I was on;y getting 1 hours sleep a night. During the day I was sitting around thinking of all the things I could drop dead from and then 2 weeks ago I suddenly felt wierd, A sense of unreality which terrified me even more. Kept going to the docs where they diagnosed pnd and prescribed ad's. Referred to cpn but no appt till oct 26th. Refused to take the ad's as I was so scared of all the possible awful side effects and convinced myself I just needed to sleep.Dh took a few days off work and I did feel a bit better after getting some rest in the day, but sleep at night. non existant. When I did go to sleep, I kept having awful dreams and waking up. Hv came on monday and said I had to take the cipralex just to lift me enough to the things that would make me feel better.Started on 5mg as Isuffer from panic and immediately the panic became worse, so the second night could only get to sleep with the aid of sleeping tabs. I am now day 4 and I feel wrethched, nauseas and panicky, still feel dazed as though I am not really here and that frightens me. Didnt feel depressed until I started to feel wierd, its the wierdness the t depresses me, is this normal pnd? I just want to feel human again.

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 27/10/2004 22:41

Spacecadet I'm sorry I have no real experience of this sort of thing, however I do remember real feelings of desparation when my dd was v. young so I can sort of see where you are coming from. It sounds very much to me like you need to talk to someone about this now, don't worry about what they may think - imagine if your dh was in the same situation and feeling like this, wouldn't you rather he felt able to confide in you and seek your help? Or if not him, then someone else. Please don't try and deal with it on your own.

Will be thinking of you xxx

marthamoo · 27/10/2004 22:40

Darling, they will NOT take your children away - everyone works towards keeping the family together. Your children need you and that is why you need to get some help now. Not in the morning - now. Ring your GP, please. This isn't going to get better by itself.

PuffTheMagicDragon · 27/10/2004 22:38

Spacecadet, I am so, so sorry you feel so bad. I need to read through the thread properly to catch up and then I will be back.

Spacecadet · 27/10/2004 22:38

Cant talk to my mum, she will just tell me not to be so stupid, I thought i was getting better, i only saw the cpn yesterday, but since then the irrational thoughts have come back with a vengance and got ten times worse.If anything happened to my baby I would kill myself.Reall dont feel like I have a reason to live, feel like a worthless piece of junk.dh sat in the living room but although he has been brilliant he doesnt want to HEAR how I feel.I cant go to the docs what if they take my children away.

MummyToSteven · 27/10/2004 22:33

Hi Spacecadet, sorry that I have not been around, and checked you thread, but got too consumed in all the recent negativity on MN, so that I just wanted to hide away rather than engage with others.

So sorry that you are feeling bad atm. Looking at your most recent post, it sounds very much like OCD type thoughts - I have suffered from OCD for several years on and off when I experienced unpleasant thoughts where I was convinced that I had harmed people without realising it. You are very much not a bad person or bad mother - just that your guilt feelings and being through a difficult time has triggered off these type of thoughts - these thoughts are unpleasant but aren't real/valid thoughts, and bear no relation to you as a person - you need to let them go through your head, but, difficult as it sounds, you have to resist the urge to take any action that would give them validity, like trying to stay up and watch over dd. i can completely see that the combination of guilt over not being the "perfect mother" because you lost your temper, combined with your feelings of anxiety/spaced outness while coming off the ads/valium would easily trigger this type of over conscientious response. YOU WOULDN'T BE HAVING THESE TYPE OF FEELINGS IF YOU WEREN'T A BLOODY GOOD MOTHER WHO IS KEEN TO DO THE VERY BEST BY HER CHILD.

i am glad you found your CPN useful, but am sorry that you don't feel ready for the type of "socialising" she is proposing - is there anyway you could break this down into baby steps for you - sort of one event at a time. For run of the mill PND some form of socialising such as M & T groups does seem to be the highly recommended approach. In terms of CBT - would going private be an option? you can self refer. I went private myself as my GP refused to refer me to anything other than counselling, and wouldn't prescribe ADs as I was PG.

sorry if this was an incoherent rant, wanted to just get something down, and hope some or any of this is useful

childmindersam · 27/10/2004 22:32

is there any1 you can ring? a friend or family member. Where are you?

childmindersam · 27/10/2004 22:32

is there any1 you can ring? a friend or family member. Where are you?

bonniej · 27/10/2004 22:32

I've got to go now but please stay online spacecadet and I'm sure someone will be able to help you. I will be thinking of you xxxx

childmindersam · 27/10/2004 22:30

is there any1 you can ring? a friend or family member. Where are you?

childmindersam · 27/10/2004 22:30

is there any1 you can ring? a friend or family member. Where are you?

wobblyknicks · 27/10/2004 22:29

I don't know what to say either but I'm sure you didn't do anything that bad, your subconscious should still stay 'online' and stop you. Really hope someone better comes soon, and hope you feel better about it soon. Lots of hugs xx

moomina · 27/10/2004 22:29

Sweetheart - I am SURE you didn't do anything to her. Am so sorry I haven't read your thread before so don't know details. Please keep talking on here - don't go away.

hercules · 27/10/2004 22:28

bump

hercules · 27/10/2004 22:26

Oh sweetie. I dont know what to say but stay on line and someone better than me will be along I'm sure to help.

bonniej · 27/10/2004 22:23

I'm sure you didn't do anything bad, spacecadet but you sound really depressed. I haven't read all the thread but you need to speak to someone. Please make an apt with your gp tomorrow. I'm not great at giving advice but really feel for you xxxxxxx

Spacecadet · 27/10/2004 22:20

I dont even know why i am bithering to post on here cos I dont suppose any one will read it but at least I can get this off my chest.I said I wasnt going to post anymore because I couldnt see the point, but I have noone else to talk to.The last couple of days I felt worse, the unreal feelings have got better but now I do feel depressed whereas I didnt feel depressed as such I was just in a terrible state.Now I cant stop worrying about my baby, the last night or so I cant go to sleep as I am scared that she might die in the night, so I feel exhausted.Today I convinced myself that I have hurt her, because my head feels so foggy I dont know what I am doing half the time.She wouldnt settle and kept crying so I put her in her pram and heated a bottle up for her but she wouldnt take it, so in frustration I hurled the bottle across the room and then I just fell into this red mist, I picked up some cups and chucked them across the room and screamed and shouted, then I fell into a sobbing heap on the floor.Then I realised that dd was crying and I went and picked her up and then I thought oh my god what if I shook her while I was consumed with rage or what if I picked her up and shouted at her. I know in my heart I did not do any such thing, because I never could but Im scared I might have done it and lost my memory, I know that sounds barmy but I cant reassure myself, i only remember chucking things across the room but now I keep thinking that I could hurt her and probably not remember and I am now too frightened to go near her, I feel grief stricken because I am sure she will die tonight, I keep going to look at her and she looks peaceful but I keep thinking that What If I shook her today and then forgot about it or something else, Oh my god, I dont feel as if I am fit to be near my own child.I would be better off dead because I am not fit to be a mother.I cant talk to anyone my mum is not intereted and if I tell my husband he will probably say are you trying to wind me up?but I cant help it im so scaredI am so frightened she will die tonight , I am not going to bed I will stay up all night and watch her and then if anything goes wrong I am awake, oh god I cant go through thiis everyday, I wish someone had been in my house today and coukld reassure me that i didnt do anything bad.

Lonelymum · 26/10/2004 19:07

Space Cadet, I really wish you wouldn't go. You have been kind to me and others even though you are really going through it yourself, and I will miss your posts. No chance of you letting me know where you live, I suppose. It might be near me or one of the others who has supported you. I, for one, would be happy to try to help out in any way I can.

Spacecadet · 26/10/2004 17:53

I have deciced not to post on mn again, thanks to evryone for yoyr advice.

Spacecadet · 26/10/2004 17:11

dd1 just caught me crying at the computer, she hugged me and said, of course your'e not going to get better overnight, it takes time. What words of wisdom from a 13 yr old

Spacecadet · 26/10/2004 17:09

But I wish i could stop crying, I want to feel how I did just before dd2 was born, felt so alive and excited, now i feel like i have been dropped down a blck hole.cpn says i DO have pnd and its only mild pstd, she says I have panic disorder too, she said even though I tried to hide it she could c that i was depressed, i can hide it well on mn, no one can hear hoe sad my voice sounds.

Spacecadet · 26/10/2004 16:49

Thanks for positive response, I had my 1st appt with the cpn today and although it went well, I have to wait 18 months for cbt!! I will probably be better by then!!She says I have to go to art therapy , anxiety management, mums and babies and relaxation, I am assuming that the idea is I will be too busy to feel ill?? I am too busy to go to self help groups but she says I have to, sigh,she says I have becme social phobic.I am supposed to be driving my fdaughter to a friends house, but I feel dizzy, help!

joanneg · 26/10/2004 11:00

spacec - I havent had a chance to read all of your thread, but I must say please do not let one or two peoples opinion upset you.

I know that it is easier said than done and I must admit that the thread did upset me too and I was really angry.

If it helps (not sure that it does) I really dont think that the thread was directed at you. ((hugs)) to you and I really hope that you can put it to the back of your mind and give it the consideration it deserves (NIL!)

Also just want to add that I suffer with sleep deprivation and often only get 2 - 4 hours sleep and let me tell you it can make things seem a lot worse. If I am having a bad sleeping patch I feel 100 times worse about everything.

Spacecadet · 26/10/2004 10:54

Well what a rubbish day, it was reading that stupid thread that did it, today i am all shaky and panicky and have cried all morning.

Spacecadet · 25/10/2004 10:06

woke up today after what i thought was a good night but my head feels as if its full of fog and i cant think straight, this feels familar i have been here before with ds2, i wish i could cut my head open and remove the fog.

Spacecadet · 23/10/2004 14:19

Hmm, still not sleeping brilliantly, feel fuzzy today and dizzy but Iam trying not to panic which will make it worse, it is amazing what powerful tool the human brain is really, how the way you think etc can completely make you feel terrible and upset that sensitive balance of chemicals.I think its fair to say that my brain and my body are seriously out of sync with each other.I have looked up ptsd and apparently it first cam to light in the 1st world war, when the soldiers in the trenches came home they were referred to as shell shocked from the traumatic experiences they encountered, this was later realised to be ptsd, but too late for those soldiers but of course it was well recognised after the vietnam war.The brain definately does shut down Isuppose to try and block out the stress but reliving my traumatic experience, now thats interesting, dont know if I want to but if its help I suppose I will have to.