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Original poster

How much longer do I have to feel like this?

365 replies

Depressedmum32 · 14/10/2004 10:29

Can some one give some advice please, I just recently gave birth to my 4th baby and for the rist month I felt fantastic and was flying round doing everything. Iwas so wired that one night I was cleaning my windows at 5am after feeding ds!!!Then I started to feel ill, like I had the flu, kept feelomg dizzy and this went on for couple of weeks before I collapsed with chest pain and was rushed to hospital. Was told I had a blood clot on my ling and spent the whole weekend feeling hysterical, had to stop breastfeeding as I was on blood thinners. Cried cos I missed my children so much and thought I was going to die. Then they told me I had no blood clot just pleurisy and sent me home. I first felt relieved to be home and with children but after a couple of days I started to have Panic attacks for no reason, I was just suddenly get this rush of fear and feel terrified. Then I started waking up in the night with my heart racing hystarical with fear, so eventually I was on;y getting 1 hours sleep a night. During the day I was sitting around thinking of all the things I could drop dead from and then 2 weeks ago I suddenly felt wierd, A sense of unreality which terrified me even more. Kept going to the docs where they diagnosed pnd and prescribed ad's. Referred to cpn but no appt till oct 26th. Refused to take the ad's as I was so scared of all the possible awful side effects and convinced myself I just needed to sleep.Dh took a few days off work and I did feel a bit better after getting some rest in the day, but sleep at night. non existant. When I did go to sleep, I kept having awful dreams and waking up. Hv came on monday and said I had to take the cipralex just to lift me enough to the things that would make me feel better.Started on 5mg as Isuffer from panic and immediately the panic became worse, so the second night could only get to sleep with the aid of sleeping tabs. I am now day 4 and I feel wrethched, nauseas and panicky, still feel dazed as though I am not really here and that frightens me. Didnt feel depressed until I started to feel wierd, its the wierdness the t depresses me, is this normal pnd? I just want to feel human again.

OP posts:
essbee · 27/10/2004 23:07

Message withdrawn

essbee · 27/10/2004 23:07

Message withdrawn

Spacecadet · 27/10/2004 23:06

The cpn referred me for cbt but the waiting list is 18 months long, i cant really go to a and e as i am in no fit state to drive but i will phone gps in the morning and ask for an urgent appt, i just hope they dont think i have ACTUALLY hurt dd

Branster · 27/10/2004 23:05

oh baby...can you show him this thread
OR just tell him right this second 'I am going to call the emergency doctor now, I am very, very scared, this is serious, please help me or I'll have to do it on my own and don't think I am able to'

nikcola · 27/10/2004 23:05

oh spacecadet ive just seen this thread and im so sorry for what you are going through you really need to ring somone xxxxxxxxxxxxx

essbee · 27/10/2004 23:05

Message withdrawn

suedonim · 27/10/2004 23:05

Here's the Samaritans website and this is their number 08457 90 90 90. It's at local calls rate.

Spacecadet · 27/10/2004 23:03

Dh is going to bed now, he doesnt understan, I tried to talk to him earlier he just said that I had to pull myself together as he wasnt going to stand by and watch me go down the same road I did after ds2 was born

MummyToSteven · 27/10/2004 23:01

oh god spacecadet I have so much been in your shoes and had those sort of thoughts in the past.

just remember that the fact you are feeling so panicky about things means that it is OCD, and imagined fear, and not real fear. I know it's a mind blowing thing to get your head round - that because you feel terror, and feel that something an incredibly important threat to your baby's safety, it actual means that it is not a real fear.

you need to ask for help honey, and get to see your CPN/psychiatrist asap, even if it means going to A & E. appropriate treatment for OCD is medication and/or CBT. Medication can be SSRIS or Anafranil.

suedonim · 27/10/2004 22:59

Spacecadet, are you still there? I don't usually read these threads but couldn't help seeing your cry for help. I had puerperal psychosis after ds2 so I can half imagine what's going on in your mind right now. Do you feel able to call your Dr or emergency service? This is an emergency. Or what about the Samaritans? I'll try and find you their number.

Branster · 27/10/2004 22:59

i'm asking because i think you need to talk to him, tell him how you feel, how scare you are...he'll understand you and won't find it trivial, especially as you say you shouted at him the other day, he'll know why you are like this. you must be sooo tired, exhausted. he'll help you and you go and see gp asap.

Branster · 27/10/2004 22:57

is dh there?

marthamoo · 27/10/2004 22:57

I think your CPN is wrong. There are a lot more AD's out there - maybe you need to trial them in a supported environment, like a Mum and Baby unit. SC, I wish I could make it all better, but I can't. You are the only person who can but you can't do it by yourself. Massive, massive (((HUGS)))

Spacecadet · 27/10/2004 22:56

I have washed my hands so much the skin is nearly see through, shouted at my dh last night cos he fed dd without washing his hands, he had handled a paracetomo; and i was convinced she would be poisened.

mieow · 27/10/2004 22:56

I felt exactly like this one evening when I had PND, I phoned my GP and his wife answered, she spoke to me and said she would get her husband to come right round after he had finished with his patient. She then phoned me back and said he would be with me shortly, she made sure I was ok and kept me calm. You need to speak to someone honey, and ask someone to come round. Phone your GP, they will be able to help

marthamoo · 27/10/2004 22:54

SC, I am sorry but I have to go to bed - I will check on this thread in the morning. You can't go on like this - I pray you are ringing your GP now. Online support is great but sometimes it isn't enough - you need to be with people who can help you. Please make your dh listen. Please ring your GP.

Spacecadet · 27/10/2004 22:53

Its not fair, i thought i was going mad all those weeks ago and i really thought i had turned a corneryesterday i saw the cpn and she said i would probably recover without ads and in view of the bad reaction i had the other week on Cipralex she wouldnt put me on anything else.Today I felt so frightened again, im exhausted and these feelings seem worse, i have been screaming and shouting at the children ds1 and ds2 asked to got work with their dad today because i am so horrrible they didnt want to spend the day with me

MummyToSteven · 27/10/2004 22:51

you know the answer to that already SC. of course you would know if you had hurt your child. but that's the problem with OCD - the rational part of your brain gets overridden by the - I must have 100% certainty that my child will never come to harm due to the type of negative thoughts. it's an absolute b*tch of a disease - you are half overwhelmed by dreadful what if type thoughts, and half ashamed of how you are feeling, and wanting to resist but unable to

sleeplessness will make these OCD type thoughts much worse - it sounds like you got next to no sleep last night.

now just racking my brains as to what made me feel better when I was suffering badly from OCD and depression during my PG last year; my global strategy was thinking how I had had these type of problems before but had come through them, and so hoped to do so again. otherwise I just tried to distract myself by reading as much as I felt able. and kept myself going at work as normally as possible (tho not easy when you are spending hours washing your hands!)

mykidsmum · 27/10/2004 22:51

You will ahve a crisis team in your area taht can help you with this they will help immediately, your on call dr should have their info. This CANNOT continue and needs to be dealt with NOW don't know too much about DH but can he not see what is going on and how desperate you are. You need help now, I really mean that. Please call your DR don't be scared, they are there to help not to punish xxxxx

marthamoo · 27/10/2004 22:47

SC, you cannot help how you are feeling - you are ill. You sound very, very close to the edge to me - you need to get some professional help to enable you to cope with these feelings about your dd. I know very little about OCD but I have suffered from severe PND and the feelings of panic and anxiety you describe are very familiar to me. I was convinced ds1 was going to die and it was my fault because I was such a terrible mother. You cannot go on like this - if you don't sleep you will have a breakdown. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but I want you to please, please, get some help now. Please.

joanneg · 27/10/2004 22:46

I am so sorry that you feel like this. Like people have said it is not you, your are not well at the moment and you will get better. I have irrational dark thoughts that my dh and ds are going to die and I know just how disturbing it is. It keeps me up at night because I think that if I sleep something might happend to one of them and I wont be awake to help. I used to be a lot worse when ds was timy like your little one is.
My big thing was that I was sure that I would drop him down the stairs. I used panic about it a lot. It definantly sounds like OCD.
I just want you to know that you are not alone or mad. You have had a lot happen to you in your life and you are trying to get into control. Where abouts are you? I want to come over and look after you!!

moomina · 27/10/2004 22:46

Yes, you would know if you'd hurt your own child, hun. And no-one will take your children away from you. It's the OCD and the PTSD that are making these irrational thoughts come. My mum has OCD and it's hellish so I know a little bit about how things are. I really wish I could give you some practical help. Is your dh there now? What would he say if you said you wanted to be hospitalised?

Branster · 27/10/2004 22:43

oh, here you are! I posted on your other thread.
would you please, please phone someone...

Merlot · 27/10/2004 22:43

Agree with Marthamoo, please ring your GP now. It takes a lot of courage to seek help - it is to be admired (they wont take your children away for that)

Spacecadet · 27/10/2004 22:42

Oh mts I know what your saying but I cant make these thoughts go away and as you know I do suffer from ocd. last night I sat up watching dd because I was convinced something was going to hurt her in the night, i thought the wardrobe would fall on her etc and the checking is 10 times to worse, I want to make it all go away, surely i would know if i hurt my own child?