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Original poster

How much longer do I have to feel like this?

365 replies

Depressedmum32 · 14/10/2004 10:29

Can some one give some advice please, I just recently gave birth to my 4th baby and for the rist month I felt fantastic and was flying round doing everything. Iwas so wired that one night I was cleaning my windows at 5am after feeding ds!!!Then I started to feel ill, like I had the flu, kept feelomg dizzy and this went on for couple of weeks before I collapsed with chest pain and was rushed to hospital. Was told I had a blood clot on my ling and spent the whole weekend feeling hysterical, had to stop breastfeeding as I was on blood thinners. Cried cos I missed my children so much and thought I was going to die. Then they told me I had no blood clot just pleurisy and sent me home. I first felt relieved to be home and with children but after a couple of days I started to have Panic attacks for no reason, I was just suddenly get this rush of fear and feel terrified. Then I started waking up in the night with my heart racing hystarical with fear, so eventually I was on;y getting 1 hours sleep a night. During the day I was sitting around thinking of all the things I could drop dead from and then 2 weeks ago I suddenly felt wierd, A sense of unreality which terrified me even more. Kept going to the docs where they diagnosed pnd and prescribed ad's. Referred to cpn but no appt till oct 26th. Refused to take the ad's as I was so scared of all the possible awful side effects and convinced myself I just needed to sleep.Dh took a few days off work and I did feel a bit better after getting some rest in the day, but sleep at night. non existant. When I did go to sleep, I kept having awful dreams and waking up. Hv came on monday and said I had to take the cipralex just to lift me enough to the things that would make me feel better.Started on 5mg as Isuffer from panic and immediately the panic became worse, so the second night could only get to sleep with the aid of sleeping tabs. I am now day 4 and I feel wrethched, nauseas and panicky, still feel dazed as though I am not really here and that frightens me. Didnt feel depressed until I started to feel wierd, its the wierdness the t depresses me, is this normal pnd? I just want to feel human again.

OP posts:
essbee · 31/10/2004 11:11

Message withdrawn

mumwithnoname · 31/10/2004 10:19

Thanks everyone! The thing is I know they are good friends but I've just pushed them too far. Sometimes my txts are a bit desparate and they just don't know what to do-they've told me that, its not that they don't care. Trouble is I know I've always tried to be there for them even when I feel really bad myself and to then feel that they're not there for me really hurts. To send a desparate txt when i'm feeling like giving up on life and the not to get a reply just makes things worse and -like happened twice this week- to get a reply totally unrealated to my txt hurts even more because it just rubs it home!I know i'm being selfish and i know they have their own problems (like a sn ds),if i'm rambling it's lack of sleep - my youngest had D&V most of last night and my dh snored like a tractor( and still is!!)

kkgirl · 31/10/2004 07:09

Mumwithnonname

A good friend is someone who is there for you.The trouble with depression is that it is very difficult for people who haven't suffered to understand it, and thats why you get this "pull yourself together" attitude. If you had a broken leg, people can see that and would be symphathetic, with depression, its not so visible.
I don't know your friends, so I can't really comment, but it sounds cruel to me to treat you like this, and true friends are there through the ups and downs, so I wouldn't worry too much. They probably don't know what to say, or how to try to help you.

Hope you are feeling a bit better today, and you can talk to all of us here as much as you want, there is plenty of support for you.

nightowl · 30/10/2004 23:39

mumwithnoname...just wanted to say i had a friend once that said to me "dont speak to me when you are down...you are depressing me" and she turned out to not be a friend at all some years later (through something else entirely unrelated). my real friends have been there even when im clearly doing their heads in...and ive returned the favour! there are people that will listen xx

Spacecadet · 30/10/2004 20:48

no answer to that!!

mumwithnoname · 30/10/2004 20:27

Forgot to say: Thanks for your support-obviously don't know me well enough!!

Spacecadet · 30/10/2004 19:43

That sounds like a good idea mumwithnoname!

mumwithnoname · 30/10/2004 19:32

Think they've just put up with too much! Dh,dd and ds1 all gone to the rugby so I've got the computer to myself for a bit- in between rescueing the kits from ds2!Both friends have txt saying we need to talk but I don't want to. I'm dreading what they might say and I've nothing to say that I've not already said.Think I'll open a bottle of wine!!

Spacecadet · 30/10/2004 16:33

Yes Titania, went offline then quickly came back on to check mn, like to wind the FIL up!!

Titania · 30/10/2004 13:47

still here sc??? mind you..so am i

MWNN.........i hope you feel better soon. If they were true friends then they would be here helping you....you've still got us!!

Spacecadet · 30/10/2004 13:38

Hopwe I havent offended you but friends put up with things like this thats what friends are for

Spacecadet · 30/10/2004 13:37

i am so sorry to hear this mumwithnoname, they are not decent friends im afraid otherwise they would be there for you, im so sorry

mumwithnoname · 30/10/2004 13:34

my dh just came in with some flowers!
They are good friends, that why i'm so upset. Anyone for a pity party?!

PatDUK · 30/10/2004 13:16

Hello mumwithnoname. Doesn't sound like they're real good friends if they've turned their back on you in ur time of need - course I don't no the full picture - maybe u jus need to lay off a bit and focus on urself insted of others. I no it's NEVER as bad as it seems tho' - sometimes its only wen doors slam in ur face that u actually face up to having to do something about a sorry state by urself. Have a pity party if u want, then pick urself up and get on with it!

mumwithnoname · 30/10/2004 11:39

They have told me they have turned their phones off cos they can't handle all the txts. Cried myself to sleep last night. Txt them this morning saying i'm deleting their numbers from my phone because i can't do this to them anymore. just want to curl up and cry. ranted at the kids this morning over the mess and not letting me on the computer- behaving like a spoilt child!
PS not being much help to you lot either!

colinsmommy · 30/10/2004 01:08

Me too, SC. Just caught up with this thread.

sykes · 30/10/2004 01:07

Just popping in, SC, to say hello, hope ypu're okay.

Spacecadet · 30/10/2004 01:00

sorry to hear that mumwithnoname, they may well have just forgotten to turn their phones on or something, you just feel bad because you are down today, I am sure you are not thr worst friend in the world.

mumwithnoname · 29/10/2004 22:32

Sorry to hijack. Tried to write twice and couldn't. Feeling really really crap. Been uop and down for a few weeks. tend to txt a couple of friends alot when i'm down. they've both turned their phones off on me. Feel like i must be the worst friend in the world. don' think i can ever face them again. thought they cared but i've driven them away. can't cope without them.

Lonelymum · 29/10/2004 19:43

Titania and Space Cadet!! You are still here!! I have just been away for a couple of days and when I last was here you had both said you weren't going to post anymore. I am SO glad you have come back. SC: I have just sent you an email. It might not make much sense, but it came from the heart.
I really need to read all the posts since Tuesday to catch up but I have a stinking cold and have promised myself an early night. Just wanted to say Helloooooo to T and SC. I'll slope off now

Spacecadet · 29/10/2004 19:23

Sorry forgot to add that she is my ex mil as dd1 and ds2 are by a previous marriage, sadly dh mum died when he was a baby so I dont have a mil

MummyToSteven · 29/10/2004 19:15

sorry you had such a rotten afternoon, sc. you are not a crap mum. you are ill, and are not getting the right treatment at the moment. hopefully things will be better next week after half-term with less children underfoot. the positive side of DH's mum knowing what's going on, is that he has someone to moan to, which (cross fingers) will give him more energy to be more considerate to you. do you have the sort of relationship with MIL where she could be of any practical help to you atm?

Spacecadet · 29/10/2004 19:12

Sad Sad

Spacecadet · 29/10/2004 19:10

I have had a dreadful day didnt start to badly then I decided I would brave baby massage class with dd.I felt quite panicky when I was there and I was glad to come home but when I got home all hell broke loose.dd1 aged 13 was still in bed at 3.30pm!washing up in sink, mess everywhere, she had been up but had gone back to bed.Well I lost it with her we had a screaming row which resulted in her having ago at me because she didnt get as long as she would have liked on msn cos I was on there!I yelled that it was my bloody computer and she was always on it and she said she hated me and that I was A crap mum, then she ran out of the house,I thrtew the cordless phone across the room and it smashed to pieces.DS1 was howling, ds2 was screaming and then dd2 started screaming.DS1 shouted at me for scaring dd2 and ds2 and I just sank to the floor in a sobbing heap, which is where dh found me when he got in from work.dd says she wants to move out and has phoned her paternal grandmother and told her everything.ds1 and ds2 keeping out of my way and dd2 has gone to sleep.I feel so worthless and ashamed, i am a bad mother if i am frightening my children , i dont want to be me any more.

Titania · 29/10/2004 17:18

how are you now sc???