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Original poster

Quivering Mess

93 replies

spacemonkey · 08/10/2004 11:33

I am a quivering mess today. Don't really know why I'm posting this, I suppose this is one place I feel able to "talk". I've been off work for a month and my doctor prescribed prozac but they haven't worked. My mum spoke to my gp on monday and they sent the crisis team to my house to see me. They recommended another month off work and doubled my dose of ADs and gave me some valium. They also liaised with my gp on my behalf and she said she would refer me for counselling. I felt better for a day or two but am now feeling much worse again. And for some stupid reason I can't get myself to the doctor to get my prescriptions. My ds cried this morning and said he didn't want to go to school so I have both my kids at home and no food in the house. I have to wash myself and get dressed and go shopping and the thought of doing that is making me shake. I feel pathetic. Please can someone tell me to pull myself together and do what has to be done. I'm an intelligent woman, I know what I have to do and that in theory I can do it, none of it is that hard, but I feel like crying all the time, I'm shaking and my body feels really really heavy. I slept nearly all day yesterday, then all night and if I went back to bed now I would sleep again, but I'm forcing myself to stay up. HELP! Someone please tell me I'm not mad.

OP posts:
marthamoo · 08/10/2004 16:32

Oh sm, you poor thing...big massive moo (((HUGS))) coming right atcha xxx

You are not mad (or if you are, I am too) but you are having such a bad time at the moment. Stick with the Prozac if you can - I can't remember what side effects are for it as it's years since I was on it but it's the same family as Cipramil (SSRIs) and I know that my side effect leaflet for that says that if you are taking it for anxiety/panic your symptoms may initially worsen. Maybe Prozac is the same?

You already sound better than in your first post - it's a major thing to be able to post on here and tell us how you are feeling; far healthier than sinking into an uncommunicative dead-zone. Keep talking!

Do some food shopping on the internet - it'll come tomorrow. Phone out for pizza tonight. Don't worry about the kids, they will be fine. Someone said on another post about depression that when your children see you come back from that dark place it gives them the strength and courage to face bad times themselves; and also shows them how much they are loved - 'cos you struggle on somehow for them. So you are making them strong people who won't be fazed by anything life throws at them

You just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other - it WILL pass; you are not going to feel like this for ever but that place you are in now is the worst place in the world.

When does O get back? Soon I hope.

Take care, hon, and email me if you need anything xxx

Btw, I don't necessarily think that all that sleeping is a bad thing - your kids are old enough to take care of themselves for a bit (get them to do the blimmin' washing up!) Sometimes, just sleeping is the only way to get through it - bed seems the only safe place.

Original poster
spacemonkey · 08/10/2004 15:02

thank you sunchowder XXX

OP posts:
sunchowder · 08/10/2004 14:57

Oh SM!! I can so relate to you. I believe it is the increased dose, but your GP will know for sure. Can you try a new one? Lexipro is supposed to be fantastic --it's mother was Celexa which is what I take. I suffer from dysthymia which is low level depression all the time. I am so glad you have a friend coming over. Please feel free to contact me via CAT or aread (at) cfl.rr.com

I wish there was something I could say to energize you. You can try to not be so hard on yourself (easy to say). You are not alone, you are NOT pathetic. You are courageous and wonderful and very in touch with your feelings. Keep writing, especially if it helps. XOXO

Original poster
spacemonkey · 08/10/2004 14:47

I only had one day's supply of valium earlier this week, but it may be the doubling of the prozac dose that's making me feel so rotten, yes. I am about to make a shopping list now - might just get essentials and do an online shop for the big things.

OP posts:
MTS · 08/10/2004 14:45

hope your friend cheers you up a bit SM. Have you done a list for the shopping so you can just dash in and out. I can sympathise with the shopping - I hate my local Tescos sooooooooo much. are you still taking the valium - just wondering whether that or a temporary reaction to the increased dose of prozac is making you feel this bad. i know when you start prozac you can sometimes feel anxious for a few days, and wonder if maybe it is the same when you increase it.

Original poster
spacemonkey · 08/10/2004 14:42

Thank you MTS and joanne. Haven't rung doc yet, my fingers become paralysed when I pick up phone. Just had a call from my friend who is on her way back now and said she would come shopping with me later on if I haven't managed to do it by myself.

OP posts:
MTS · 08/10/2004 14:32

hi spacemonkey, sorry you are feeling so low. not really got anything more to add to the great advice everyone has been giving so far.

hope that your phone call to the docs is ok

joanneg · 08/10/2004 14:26

spacemonkey, ((hugs)) to you. I hope that things get easier for you - you have had some good support - so I have nothing to add, just offering you support and I think that this is just a blip and will get better.

My local shop is awful and full of out of date food.

Original poster
spacemonkey · 08/10/2004 14:25

Thanks for that link catinthehat, I didn't realise they offered such a service. Unfortunately I have to see my gp to get the prescriptions in the first place. I'm going to ring them in a minute.

OP posts:
suzywong · 08/10/2004 14:22

oh my darling you are not mental, xxxxxx

catinthehat · 08/10/2004 14:22

This might be useful if you don't fancy trailing to the chemist
Boots online prescription delivery service

Original poster
spacemonkey · 08/10/2004 14:19

Maybe it's one of those buddhist koan things, like "what is the sound of one hand clapping"? It's all very odd, at least Sainsbury's is reasonably straightforward - eggs and butter cost much as one would expect them to cost, no surrealist signs or mad brand names one has never heard of ("Derek" dog food etc). No wonder I'm mental.

OP posts:
suzywong · 08/10/2004 14:11

don't look in to the sky or you'll see that eyeball sliced with a razor!

Clearly that kind of promotion and loss leader must be hugely successful in their original country.

Hey how's that tumble dryer? Still going or burned your shed down.

{{{{{stroking the back of your lilywhite hand and patting kneed as I type btw}}}}}}

Original poster
spacemonkey · 08/10/2004 14:08

They sell 30 eggs for a pound. Surely they must be rotten? And yet butter costs something silly like £3. I bet this sort of thing doesn't happen in Australia.

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Original poster
spacemonkey · 08/10/2004 14:07

I have been shopping at my local so-called supermarket, but it's a dreadful place. They have a sign outside which confuses me so much I start to think I'm in a Bunuel film every time I see it - it is a sandwich board type sign bearing the legend:

"GOOD FOR HEALTH? BEER (in red letters) OR FRESHLY SQUEEZED ORANGE JUICE"

What the hell does it mean? Seriously, I can't work it out at all.

OP posts:
suzywong · 08/10/2004 14:05

don't say I never do anything for you xxxx

suzywong · 08/10/2004 14:02

don't go to Sainsbury's, it's enough to do anyone's head in. What about your local daylight robber corner shop?

Original poster
spacemonkey · 08/10/2004 13:59

No, but Charles Hawtrey would certainly cheer me up. Never did like that Jim Dale chappie.

OP posts:
suzywong · 08/10/2004 13:57

Actually, I can't do Hattie Jacques convincingly , would you settle for Jim Dale?

Original poster
spacemonkey · 08/10/2004 13:56

it is strangely helpful, I think writing is enormously therapeutic, even if only blithering on here! Mind you, I highly doubt I'll actually get to the doctor today. Just the thought of facing Sainsbury's is filling me with dread.

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melsy · 08/10/2004 13:38

IKWYM about being able to post diffuclt moments here , helps you see it objectivley as if thinking aloud, doesnt it ?

melsy · 08/10/2004 13:37

wow just listen to yourlast post, you already have the ability to congratulate yourself for small steps, this is what my hypnotherapist was telling me, days dont have to big things to be good. Im so glad you feel better. I would have some good books to suggest but my sister has them all and i cant remeber the titles !! pure escapsim i suppose thats what you need in a book.

Tinker · 08/10/2004 13:35

Glad you're feeling a bit better sm. Madness is when you don't react to stressful situations. Isn't there a theory that the mad are actually the sane

Original poster
spacemonkey · 08/10/2004 13:28

Feeling a little better now. Managed to have bath, finished reading my book while in there although the book was really quite depressing and sad. Must try to find something a bit more uplifting for next read.

Stripped bed and took dirty laundry downstairs and put in washing machine. Took bins out. Brought dry washing in. Made cup of tea. Ds is happily watching a wrestling video and has helped himself to food and milk (he used a champagne flute for his milk bless him).

I know this is of no possible interest to anyone, but it is somehow making me feel better to do something and then record it here. Now I sort of feel able to go and do the next thing.

Not sure if the higher dose of prozac is making me feel so odd. Very shaky hands and tears keep coming, but I feel sort of mentally detached.

Thank you for your post soph and your email, you really are a lovely person. Why is it so difficult to be kind to oneself? I would say all the same things to someone else going through this but berate myself constantly for being weak. If I can get to the doctor today I will consider my day a success.

OP posts:
Heathcliffscathy · 08/10/2004 12:47

sm, you are not mad (i'm mad ) you're just a single mum struggling with enough massive life changes to make anyone feel like never leaving the safety of under the duvet. it is ok to feel like you do. it doesn't make you a bad or mad person (in fact it makes you mentally much stronger than people that deny their feelings imo, which is most people). can you try and accept the way you feel a bit more? beating yourself up is not acceptable, you have nothing to berate yourself for: you're a kind sensitive loving person who is going through a rough time emotionally and mentally and physically at the moment. I feel so strongly that if we (as human beings and especially women) just allowed ourselves to feel bad, to feel low, to feel like not leaving the house, to feel stressed beyond belief, then we would be far more able to heal ourselves and bring ourselves gently through times of crisis like you are in.

be nice to yourself. give yourself a break. you're doing great (you're acknowledging how you feel and trying to get help). your gp is not going to confirm that you are a bad person or mad...and if he/she does then she is a crap gp.

be good to yourself darling...that's an order!!!

xxxxx