How did you decide which surname to use?

I kept my fairly boring surname on marrying because it works well with my first name and people know how to spell it. My DH has a much more interesting European surname and I was happy for the kids to have it as I think it's much cooler than mine.

About 10 years into our marriage DH decided he wanted to add my surname as a middle name and did so by deed poll. Then both kids said they wanted it too, so we changed their names to include it as well. It's not a double surname, just a middle name

I didn’t know this.

We were engaged so children got husbands surname assuming I would take his name.

However, we’re now married but I couldn’t be arsed changing my name lol

Well, DS is in his mid-teens and it's never happened with him. I'd be surprised if it did. A good proportion of his classmates use both parents' surnames without a hyphen.

Well others on this thread have confirmed the first name of the surname is usually dropped in the uk and they only use the last name. If theres no hyphen they don’t have to use both and places will go by the last.

Yes this is what happened to me my daughter has both mine and her fathers surname but as mine is first it’s dropped in the uk and places only ever use her fathers

Having different surnames has never caused any problems for our family. At most people occasionally call either DH or I by the wrong surname. We rarely correct people because these are normally fleeting situations.

We both have professional reputations. I have a publishing record. Even if we didn’t both believe names are part of identity, changing our names was never an option.

Ever since I was a child I thought it was bizarre that women changed their name on marriage. I didn't and my DCs have my name. DD married and kept her name and DGS have her name.

It's not even a nice name!

I find this pink name blue name idea most odd. Never heard of it before. I find it really strange that children with the same parents would have different surnames. Always something to learn on MN.

I find it considerably odder that any women at all arbitrarily change their surname based on their marital status. That's profoundly weird to me.

Our names would not have worked double barrelled and I also think that just kicks the can down the road a generation - what if they meet someone else double barrelled?

They will make their own choice.

My Dc is vaguely discussing marriage - their DP also has a hyphenated surname.

Unlike the 'assumptions' stated here, Dc has told me that if they drop half their name it will likely be mine because they like having the non-western name that reflects their father's heritage - and my name is the second part of their surname, so the first part will be dropped.

Their Dp is already using the first part of their hyphenated name as their professional name, having dropped the second part for professional identity only. I don't actually know which name comes from which parent.

Anyway if they marry they will probably keep their own names or combine with one of each of their surnames...or whatever - up to them , no pressure.

My view was my children would have my surname. I can’t really explain why but I felt quite strongly that I didn’t want a different name to the children I had given birth to.

I took DH surname when we married so when we had kids, we all had the same name.
Had we not been married or if I hadn’t changed my name, I would have wanted them to have my name but not sure how we would have negotiated that. I think I’d have invited him to change his name to match ours if we wanted (or get married).

The bonus of that is when it came to naming them, I was able to point out they had DH surname so I got a bigger say on first names 😁.

Edited to note that changing my name meant losing a big connection to my family culture so was a big decision.

Yes, you'd have to be quite mad to trade in your entire professional identity under a particularly name-surname combination for a reactionary marital 'tradition'.

My cousins have a double-barreled name. My aunt said if her and her partner were to marry in the future, they would also double barrel their names. Do you plan to marry? If you do and intend to take his name then i would give the kids his name, if yo do not, then give them whatever name you like.

@TheCareBears , I noticed it because I was starting on a new project at work and couldn't find my contact's details. The company used first name last name not first name surname. (The contact minded)

@Shellityhorn , it was a much nicer surname and that was the convention at the time.

Ours have my partner’s surname. Neither of us felt particularly strongly about it, and in the end I suggested they have his as I thought people would assume I was their mum whatever name they had, but might not assume he was their dad if they had a different name. The thing I did feel strongly about was that I’d never change my own name, and it’s never caused any issues having a different name from the children.

Would I do anything different now? Not sure. Our names don’t worked double-barrelled, but I never thought about the two separate surnames idea at the time. That might have been a nice thing to do.

My MIL said that if she'd known it was an option, she'd have kept her maiden name. But 50+ years ago it just wasn't a thing.

And it's still not a thing now because women don't do it. "Hubby has a nicer name" " I hated my dad" "My name is too difficult to spell/pronounce" "it was important to hubby to keep his name going"

40 years since I got married and it wasn't a thing then. Since then every woman in my family has kept their birth name. It doesn't take much to start the tradition.

And it all started because I kept my name and in the hospital they automatically tag the baby with the mother's name. I decided then and there that dc should remain that name.

Haha, hell would freeze over before I had a different surname to my child too! (We double barrelled).

I'd be very very reluctant (and I think it's naive tbh) to give the father's surname if you're not married.

My surname was double barrelled and I couldn’t wait to get rid of it. I still remember learning to write and taking ages to learn my name because it was so long compared to everyone else’s. When filling in forms it was a nightmare because sometimes you don’t get enough space and if you are filling them in online some websites won’t recognise the hyphen so you have to delete it and then it assumes that one part is your middle name. Also worth noting that somewhere down the line the double barrelled name will be dropped because otherwise they’ll end up with a ridiculous triple barrelled surname at best. Honestly myself and my siblings all couldn’t wait to get rid of it so don’t be offended if your child feels the same way into adulthood.

I feel similarly about double barrel names, not keen personally. I like the simplicity of one surname.

I kept my surname after marriage but added husband's surname as a second middle name via deed poll. I agreed our DC could have DH's surname but that I wanted mine as a second middle name. The compromise works quite well for us, although confuses some of our family - if anything though, they just assume both names are the surname, which is fine by me.

I did get a few comments (or at least vibes) from some about us not all sharing the same name as a family, but never been an issue thus far. I kinda get it, but do feel people become too fixated on it. There are loads of blended families nowadays so it's hardly uncommon for families to have different surnames to one another.

If I was to change anything I perhaps would have suggested my DH add my surname as a second middle name, like I did his. Not sure if he would have gone for it, but maybe he would have if I'd said it was important to me.

When I got divorced I kept my married name as I thought the kids would have some sort of “it’s good enough for us but not for her” thing going on.
I finally reverted to my maiden name many years later and had a discussion with the (by then adult) children, whose views were that they wouldn’t have cared less and I should have changed back immediately.
Ironically, I never actually wanted to get married or change my name at all but that’s another story.

Pleased to see how many Mumsnetters keep their own name if marrying; I find it's still not that common IRL although is increasing. All the women I know whose children have the mother's name are not with the father so it's always seemed like a vote of no confidence in the relationship to me! Since I'd married our DC got my husband's last name but I definitely wouldn't have done that in an insecure relationship. My SC also have their dad's name so it was good for them to share that and all the kids are extremely close. I was always called Mrs DH/DC last name at school which was mildly annoying but I let it go as could see I'd be constantly correcting them for years otherwise. I am proudly Ms Frilly Sweetpea everywhere else and it's never been an issue when I was with my DC.
PS The dog is double-barrelled at the vets - their choice - which I find very amusing!

All the women I know whose children have the mother's name are not with the father so it's always seemed like a vote of no confidence in the relationship to me!
Only 30% of parents stay together after they have children, compared with 76% of married parents. Giving the children the mother's name makes more sense.

I'd be very very reluctant (and I think it's naive tbh) to give the father's surname if you're not married.
I agree.

Both DS1 and DS2 have my maiden name as their middle name and their dad’s surname.

I wasn’t married when I had DD and she has my name. My parents married in 1952 and chose a new family name, which my sister still has despite marrying in 1981. So people didn’t all blindly follow this name change old tradition.