AIBU? Male work colleague

The previous poster meant that it’s not an HR matter at all, not just that they wouldn’t get involved unprompted. It wouldn’t be a matter of interest to them even if someone did report it. It’s a perfectly normal response to your situation to want to talk about it. Maybe if you talked about it again and wouldn’t let it go, and it was causing him demonstrable stress then it might be a different matter, but that is not the case here.

As I’m sure you know, with anxiety reassurances like mine above will make you feel better for a short while then you will like seek further reassurance (as you did with your friend). You’ve transferred your anxiety from you friend and the job situation to Mumsnet and your friendship. I would suggest seeing if you can speak to someone who can help you with anxiety because these patterns of thought and behaviour are debilitating. (I say that as someone who has tendencies towards anxiety so you have my sympathy).

He is not your therapist.

Stop treating friends as listening posts!

What the hell do you expect him to do with all of your anxiety dumps? Keep murmuring "There, there, it'll be all right" on repeat, endlessly? Why should he? It doesn't make any difference to how you feel. It's wearing and you're using him.

No, it's not an HR offence but you will never keep a friend if you always use people like this.

You texted him at the weekend to ask if he was angry with you?! This was so out of line. You placed the burden of your emotional well-being on him - yet again - during his personal time.

You're actually being selfish, even though you feel like you can't help it. You need to wise up to the fact that the world doesn't owe you reassurance. CBT would probably help you.

Literally EVERY SINGLE REPLY has said that it's not a HR matter. But you keep asking if he'll report you! This thread isn't helping you because you are completely ignoring the responses. Get off mumsnet and see your GP. You've gone beyond anxiety into some sort of spiral and you need help. This isn't helping. Help yourself by leaving this thread.

OP, you need to stop now. Keeping on with the questions is just feeding your anxiety by seeking reassurance. Its time to disengage now. I know it feels like going over things helps but it's a waste of energy. There is nothing to add and there's nothing that you can do this weekend anyway.

Stop going on about HR. Read your and tbe otber messages back. You're fixated amd spiralling and you've had some good advice here. You need to.learn to manage your anxiety. I get that they're maybe cultural differences at play. This guy is your friend. Start Monday with a cheery message and take it from there.

If he reports you to HR, then he reports you to HR.

Why do you keep asking us the same question over and over again.
We’re not him, we have no idea how he feels and what he’s going to do.
We cannot tell you whether he’s going to go to HR or not:

You know whether you crossed a line and whether it was enough to go to HR.

If he reports you then you apologise to him and explain your side of the story and promise to not do it again.
End of.

Please try and get some rest OP

OP please go to bed. He's not gonna report you to HR.

This. I'd be highly surprised from what you've said if he reports you to HR as there's nothing reportable here. Severe anxiety is the pits, so I empathise, but I think you need to briefly and unemotionally apologise and acknowledge to yourself you can't do anything else and that the problem is in your head (I know that won't fix the anxiety, but hopefully it'll stop you digging yourself in any deeper by communicating more - this is the tactic I use).

And pack in the flirting - it's disrespectful to your husband and his wife. (And before anyone comes at me - yes, I firmly believe men and women can be good friends and rely on each other for emotional support without there being romantic feelings. But flirting isn't OK in my book.)

We weren’t there. We don’t know what happened.

The fact that you’re so concerned probably suggests that you did a lot worse than what you’re telling us.

You’ll find out next week.

In the meantime go and enjoy your weekend with your DH.

It is not his job to manage your anxiety. That, kindly, is your job, with your therapist 's help. He is a work colleague, that why you know him. He obviously enjoys your company, but probably wants a bit of distance as your constant overstepping of his boundaries are clearly getting too much. Who knows, he may be worried about his own job.

Frankly, OP, I was amazed to read you are married!

From your posts, I’d have thought you were in your teens!

Have you given your poor husband any consideration in this whirlwind of spilt emotions?
Flip the situation… if your husband was behaving in exactly the manner that you are, how would you feel?

With kindness, you need to get a grip, get some medical help ( I take medication for my anxiety and panic attacks… it’s a life-saver) & ease back from this man and concentrate on the man you are married to.

Nobody here, nor your workmate is able to give you the level of reassurance you need to calm your anxiety. You have repeatedly been told, and are unable to accept the answer (and when you do - in your own words circle back to it later anyway).

Your anxiety is extraordinarily severe. By that I mean I am honestly surprised you are functioning at a job, in a marriage and with friends. I don't say that to be unkind - I say it because it's true, and I think you need far more support than you are currently getting.

I think you need to accept that your anxiety is well past the point of sustained reassurance easing it. You need professional, and honestly in my opinion (not a doctor), medical help at this point.

You are going through an incredibly stressful time which has obviously triggered things quite badly for you, and there's no shame in needing, nor obtaining extra support during particularly rough times.

You really are at a level where other people who are not equipped with the tools, cannot help you, and nor should they have to. The anxiety has escalated beyond fixation and to near obsession at this point.

I hope your husband or other loved one steps in, because you aren't actually listening, and I don't think you're in a position where you're able to, either.

You will likely lose friends if you don't get more support with this OP.

I did read it. The problem is that you will circle back to this again, whether that's in an hour, in the morning, in a day. The relief doesn't seem to be lasting long for you.

That's why I say you need more help. A therapist is not cutting it for this severity level.

You are experiencing genuine strong emotions that I think you are struggling to make sense of. I would make a hot chocolate and sit with them for awhile.

Your brain makes sense of these things all by itself given time. Your anxiety is basically telling you, hey stop and listen, there's something you've missed. You could do a meditation and see what comes up

Anxiety is often a physical issue, what exercise are you doing to fight it? Running is the classic one but weights can help too. In the old days people had a paper bag to breathe into and reset the nervous system. Seriously. Give yourself a chance!

And if it would help to take control of the situation by applying for new jobs instead of waiting for the axe to fall, do that.

@mumlearningtorun My anxiety has now convinced me that he might report me to HR over Friday, that I’ve crossed a line and that our friendship is over. I know I probably went on too much about redundancy, but I was genuinely panicking and he’s someone I consider a friend. We speak and banter all the time.

I think you're overthinking things massively.

While he may have been slightly annoyed at the discussion topic, it would generally take A LOT for a man to escalate anything to HR level. Something along the lines of bullying or much worse.

If he does go to HR, then he's being far too sensitive... but I think that's highly unlikely.

You’re massively overthinking this. He’s not going to report you.

Try to think about what’s happened from his point of view. Trying to support and reassure someone who is anxious or depressed is difficult, upsetting and tiring. Repeated demands for reassurance, especially when there is no certainty, means he’ll run out of positive things to say to help you. He’ll feel like he’s failing as nothing that he says reassures you. Eventually, he’s felt the need to ask you to stop talking about it as you’re just going round in circles and both feeling bad. And you’ve ignored that.

When he gets in touch, I think an apology is warranted.

A new thing for you to consider that could help you feel less anxious, and It's the obvious thing to do. Read your company conduct and grievance policies for a reality check. Then start keeping a daily diary of every interaction you have with this said friend (who clearly you don't trust or you would even think he could report you to HR just for not shutting up even though he's asked you to; without trust, is there even a friendship?), so that if he does report you HR (which is highly, highly unlikely), you have your own evidence file to contest his claims. Given the potential redundancy situation, keep the diary on a home laptop, not at work.

I think this is way over the top, but having some facts and a safety net may help you manage yourself more effectively.

Another thing you could do is step into your colleague's shoes and ask how you would feel if you know he was thinking about you what you are thinking about him. It's certainly not kind. To have someone pouring over your every word must be quite exhausting for him, and not what most of us expect from a friend. Given all this angst, I'm amazed you get any work done. Work would be a better thing to focus on, not least to show those making decisions about redundancy that you are an employee worth keeping.

I have severe anxiety. I also know it is MY problem to deal with. If I talk to anyone about it, it is my therapist, because I know friends and family (and strangers on the internet) are not my therapist and it is not fair to unload on them. Especially when they ask me to stop.