AIBU? Male work colleague

mumlearningtorun · 2026-10-23T19:00:35+00:00

I have quite severe anxiety, so I’m aware I can overthink situations, but I’ve worked myself into a real panic over this and would appreciate some honest outside opinions. I’ve worked with a male colleague for around 18 months and we’re actually quite close mates now. We chat regularly, have lots of banter and sometimes flirty joking, but I don’t have romantic feelings for him. We talk about personal things and generally get on really well. My company is going through potential redundancies at the moment, and on Friday I was having a real panic about my job. I kept bringing it up with him because I wanted reassurance, but he tried to change the subject a few times and eventually said something along the lines of “I don’t talk about this anymore” I could tell it was his usual cheeky personality as in a way to say to me that I’d already been told everything was fine. We carried on chatting, and I again kept brining up my worries because I am genuinely anxious and he’s someone I consider a safe space at work and when I mentioned what his weekend plans are we basically said ‘don’t act like you’re now interested in me lol!’ and he wished me a nice weekend. Afterwards, I messaged jokingly asking if he was angry with me, but he read it and didn’t reply. He’s normally very responsive, so this has really worried me. The thing is, earlier today he’d invited me for coffee because I’ll be working at an office near his, and we’d also spoken on the phone so I could give him some advice about an email he needed to send. So we were still having normal, friendly interactions. My anxiety has now convinced me that he might report me to HR over Friday, that I’ve crossed a line and that our friendship is over. I know I probably went on too much about redundancy, but I was genuinely panicking and he’s someone I consider a friend. We speak and banter all the time. Am I reading far too much into him not replying, or would you be concerned? Could someone genuinely go from being close mates with you to reporting you over a conversation like this? Please be kind, as I’m really struggling with my anxiety over this, like I’m really hypersensitive this week as the redundancy consultation is coming to an end next week, I’ve got my 2nd therapy appointment tomorrow and I suffer with anxiety anyway, but I would appreciate honest opinions.

DoNotGoGorgeously · Yesterday 20:04

He’s just sick of you bringing up the same topic after he specifically said he was done talking about it. It’s your job to manage your own anxiety. There’s no reason whatsoever to think HR will get involved, but you’re going to lose a friend if you keep seeking reassurance over and over again when someone has clearly signalled they’re tired of it.

OneLemonLion · Yesterday 20:12

Could he have got irritated also because he was feeling anxious about his own job and you didn’t acknowledge that the situation affected him too/didn’t respect that he didn’t want to think about it?

There is nothing for him to report to HR so definitely don’t worry about that.

If you value the friendship maybe consider a further message that doesn’t require a reply (ie don’t ask questions or seek reassurance) just saying sorry you’re conscious you were being a bit self absorbed and didn’t mean to go on about redundancies, you hope he has a good weekend

But in answer to your main question yes it sounds like you are very much overthinking and catastrophising about this interaction. He’s probably mildly annoyed at worst, at best already forgotten it and getting on with his weekend xx

TestingTestingWonTooFree · Yesterday 20:17

You going on and on about it pointlessly sounds irritating but not remotely HR worthy.

Original poster

mumlearningtorun · Yesterday 20:17

DoNotGoGorgeously · Yesterday 20:04

He’s just sick of you bringing up the same topic after he specifically said he was done talking about it. It’s your job to manage your own anxiety. There’s no reason whatsoever to think HR will get involved, but you’re going to lose a friend if you keep seeking reassurance over and over again when someone has clearly signalled they’re tired of it.

Thank you. I don’t think HR will get involved by themselves, I’m worried he will report me to his manager or HR?

thing is the other week he said ‘oh does that mean we won’t see you around anymore’ - like he’d be gutted if I applied for another job at a different office.

and he invited me for coffee when he’s off in January.

im just heightens with anxiety and I know I need to fix it, but now I’m like what if our last conversation and me asking if he’s angry with me ( I said it in our normal jokey way ).

im so worked up, my husband knows our friendship and he said I’m over thinking, he’s probably just annoyed that I’m repeating myself but not that he will raise a whole case with HR

OP posts:

MandemChickenShop · Yesterday 20:18

he's not going to report you. just calm down a bit

DoNotGoGorgeously · Yesterday 20:21

mumlearningtorun · Yesterday 20:17

Thank you. I don’t think HR will get involved by themselves, I’m worried he will report me to his manager or HR?

thing is the other week he said ‘oh does that mean we won’t see you around anymore’ - like he’d be gutted if I applied for another job at a different office.

and he invited me for coffee when he’s off in January.

im just heightens with anxiety and I know I need to fix it, but now I’m like what if our last conversation and me asking if he’s angry with me ( I said it in our normal jokey way ).

im so worked up, my husband knows our friendship and he said I’m over thinking, he’s probably just annoyed that I’m repeating myself but not that he will raise a whole case with HR

Show quote history

Yes, he’s just annoyed with you. It’s an entirely ordinary situation. Message and say sorry for being a bore, and you’ll keep schtum about potentially being made redundant in future. Unless he’s the CEO, he has no reassurance to offer.

Original poster

mumlearningtorun · Yesterday 20:23

OneLemonLion · Yesterday 20:12

Could he have got irritated also because he was feeling anxious about his own job and you didn’t acknowledge that the situation affected him too/didn’t respect that he didn’t want to think about it?

There is nothing for him to report to HR so definitely don’t worry about that.

If you value the friendship maybe consider a further message that doesn’t require a reply (ie don’t ask questions or seek reassurance) just saying sorry you’re conscious you were being a bit self absorbed and didn’t mean to go on about redundancies, you hope he has a good weekend

But in answer to your main question yes it sounds like you are very much overthinking and catastrophising about this interaction. He’s probably mildly annoyed at worst, at best already forgotten it and getting on with his weekend xx

His job is okay, my job ( PA ) has been up for redundancy twice in the last year- one when they did a restructure which I got through and one now my manager is retiring and they’re not sure if they’re going to replace her or split her work and spread it up. It sounded positive today, so maybe that’s why he wants to stop reassuring me now, but I still don’t have a definite answer.

the fact I went through it last year, it’s giving me PTSD as it was horrible having to interview for my own role and then not being told yes or no for a month later.

this time seems lonely and he helped me last time, so I leant on him again.

OP posts:

MissingMeadow · Yesterday 20:23

Yes I agree that he got irritated by you constantly wanting reassurance and he's backed off a bit but I seriously doubt that he's planning on reporting you.

Original poster

mumlearningtorun · Yesterday 20:24

DoNotGoGorgeously · Yesterday 20:21

Yes, he’s just annoyed with you. It’s an entirely ordinary situation. Message and say sorry for being a bore, and you’ll keep schtum about potentially being made redundant in future. Unless he’s the CEO, he has no reassurance to offer.

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Normally he is very jokey with it like ‘Yep I’m Mr Right, and I know you’re 100% fine’ - I mean I know I’m not harassing him as it’s always welcomed conversation, and we get on well- he called me a mate in the week and said something like ‘obviously because you’re my mate!’ - but my anxiety is already heightened so I’m instantly thinking he’s going to report me and I’ll loose my job that way!

OP posts:

Didimum · Yesterday 20:25

OP, you can’t do anything more – you’ve text him, it’s the weekend. There is nothing more you can say or do.

You can’t bear sitting in your feelings so instead of unloading it on him, you’re now unloading it on us. Yes, friends and chat forums are there for people during difficult times, but it’s not actually helping your anxiety. What will help your anxiety is practice at sitting in your feelings and allowing them to pass. The world won’t end.

StarCourt · Yesterday 20:25

Op you’re massively over thinking this.

DoNotGoGorgeously · Yesterday 20:25

mumlearningtorun · Yesterday 20:23

His job is okay, my job ( PA ) has been up for redundancy twice in the last year- one when they did a restructure which I got through and one now my manager is retiring and they’re not sure if they’re going to replace her or split her work and spread it up. It sounded positive today, so maybe that’s why he wants to stop reassuring me now, but I still don’t have a definite answer.

the fact I went through it last year, it’s giving me PTSD as it was horrible having to interview for my own role and then not being told yes or no for a month later.

this time seems lonely and he helped me last time, so I leant on him again.

Show quote history

OK, but this is why he’s tired of it — you leant on him last time, it’s happening again, and he’s signalled very clearly that he’s tired of it.

Original poster

mumlearningtorun · Yesterday 20:35

DoNotGoGorgeously · Yesterday 20:25

OK, but this is why he’s tired of it — you leant on him last time, it’s happening again, and he’s signalled very clearly that he’s tired of it.

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But you don’t think it’s a HR report worthy sackable offence?

OP posts:

andweallsingalong · Yesterday 20:42

It sounds like he's confused and feeling used.

He's flirting with you. Likely because he likes you and would like a relationship with you.

You're flirting back, but not interested, which feels a bit tacky. Then you use him as your emotional support and continue even after he asks you to stop.

I think you need to cool off a bit and just be colleagues inside of work.

OhBumBags · Yesterday 20:42

He’s not going to report you to HR for boring on when he asked you to stop.

Seriously though, having anxiety doesn’t give you the right to do this.

Bababear987 · Yesterday 20:42

Are you being medicated for your anxiety?

NewGirlInTown · Yesterday 20:47

I mean this kindly, OP, but you really need to seek medical support for your anxiety. It’s absolutely not normal to analyse and overthink every interaction like this.
Thinking you are going to be ‘reported to HR’ for such a banal conversation is bonkers!

DoNotGoGorgeously · Yesterday 20:49

mumlearningtorun · Yesterday 20:35

But you don’t think it’s a HR report worthy sackable offence?

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OP, respectfully, like your friend, I’m going to decline to keep offering reassurance for your anxieties. This is something you need to seek professional help with.

OhBumBags · Yesterday 20:50

Bababear987 · Yesterday 20:42

Are you being medicated for your anxiety?

I hope so.

I used to work with someone who didn’t stop going on about their anxiety, and brought it up at every opportunity.

It was so draining for the rest of us.

JeffLebowski · Yesterday 20:52

mumlearningtorun · Yesterday 20:23

His job is okay, my job ( PA ) has been up for redundancy twice in the last year- one when they did a restructure which I got through and one now my manager is retiring and they’re not sure if they’re going to replace her or split her work and spread it up. It sounded positive today, so maybe that’s why he wants to stop reassuring me now, but I still don’t have a definite answer.

the fact I went through it last year, it’s giving me PTSD as it was horrible having to interview for my own role and then not being told yes or no for a month later.

this time seems lonely and he helped me last time, so I leant on him again.

Show quote history

You're going through a tough time. Again. He's probably wondering why, despite the fact that you've got a husband, you're leaning on him so much for emotional support and reassurance. Again. And you're so focussed on your own concerns that you really don't seem to care that much about him other than the support you can provide to him and/or the imagined threat that he might report you to HR. It's all about you.

While you may be sure that his job is safe, it's possible that he's not so certain. Have you really sat down with him, asked him, and actually listened to him? Maybe you have but nothing you've written so far suggests that you have. Again, it's all about you, your job, how he views you, how his opinion of you might impact on you, and so on.

He's not your emotional support puppy. He's a human in his own right with his own fears, wants and dreams. It's not all about you.

WhistPie · Yesterday 20:57

@mumlearningtorun I had a friend like you once, about 30 years ago. Putting up with her going on and on and on about stuff - should I do this? Should I do that? What if... and so on.

Couldn't cope with it so I became completely unavailable.

Haven't seen her for about 30 years.

Pity, apart from when she was driving me round the bend, I really liked her!

Itsbeenalongtimeincoming · Yesterday 20:59

NewGirlInTown · Yesterday 20:47

I mean this kindly, OP, but you really need to seek medical support for your anxiety. It’s absolutely not normal to analyse and overthink every interaction like this.
Thinking you are going to be ‘reported to HR’ for such a banal conversation is bonkers!

Totally agree and suggesting you have self diagnosed PTSD for having to interview for your own job isn’t normal Unkess there is a lot more to this story.

You are overthinking.
Thwre is no HR issue.
If he went to HR they would speak to him about wasting time.
Your anxiety is causing you to catastrophise.

Bananacrepewithnuts · Yesterday 21:06

DoNotGoGorgeously · Yesterday 20:04

He’s just sick of you bringing up the same topic after he specifically said he was done talking about it. It’s your job to manage your own anxiety. There’s no reason whatsoever to think HR will get involved, but you’re going to lose a friend if you keep seeking reassurance over and over again when someone has clearly signalled they’re tired of it.

Absolutely this.

Stop worrying about it. It will be a shame to lose his friendship but you've got to find something else to talk about other than redundancy!
X

Terfedout · Yesterday 21:07

mumlearningtorun · Yesterday 20:23

His job is okay, my job ( PA ) has been up for redundancy twice in the last year- one when they did a restructure which I got through and one now my manager is retiring and they’re not sure if they’re going to replace her or split her work and spread it up. It sounded positive today, so maybe that’s why he wants to stop reassuring me now, but I still don’t have a definite answer.

the fact I went through it last year, it’s giving me PTSD as it was horrible having to interview for my own role and then not being told yes or no for a month later.

this time seems lonely and he helped me last time, so I leant on him again.

Show quote history

You don't have ptsd from this. Please don't self diagnose that. Its a serious issue for people who have it and it's very disrespectful.

You obviously have anxiety which means that you are only able to see your own worries and not other people's. We all have shit going on. And often people don't have the capacity to deal with a constant stream of negativity from someone else. You need to realise this and try to sort it before you lose friends over it.

I know it's really hard being at risk of redundancy as it happened to me this year. But it doesn't give you the right to be this self absorbed, sorry.

PS there is no HR issue here, so stop worrying about that 😊

rebus · Yesterday 21:13

DoNotGoGorgeously · Yesterday 20:49

OP, respectfully, like your friend, I’m going to decline to keep offering reassurance for your anxieties. This is something you need to seek professional help with.

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OP, It's great that you acknowledge your anxiety and mental health challenges upfront on this thread, but it isn't anyone's job to put up with it or support you.

Even reading your responses on this thread, I can see how draining it would be for that friend. You need some combination of professional help, medication, and or a LOT of IRL support from other friends and family who won't mind listening to your fixations. Or perhaps you can take turns dumping on a series of people, but be sensitive to moving on to the next victim/person each time they indicated that you've worn them out.