DP has invited his ex wife for Christmas dinner and says I’m being petty

I can understand your distress at your DP has disrespected you by not discussing this issue with you and seeing how you felt about it before asking his ex. It a sort of coercive control: Its done now and the dds are happy and you will be spoiling it if you object. Really sneaky and horrible dressed as kind.
Ask your self if he had asked would you have agreed or not?
If you would have even reluctantly agreed given the current circumstances,let it happen. But tell your DP if he ever disrespect you and tries to coercively control you with emmotional blackmail it will be a deal breaker.
If you would have said no,and still feel you want to say no ,do so and have separate christmas.

This

DH and I often have my exH for meals and parties, including Christmas

Same. Not often, but enough times for it to be unremarkable.

I think it’s pretty much been covered that he is an arse for not discussing it first.

But FFS stop doing everything. Share the load. you haven’t even been together that long and you are running everything.

He should be covering his presents he needs to buy and he should be helping with the shopping, preparing and wherever else he needs to.

Really shitty of him to invite her without asking but even worse his attitude afterwards to your reaction. I would be so pissed off.

Nobody will respect you or stand up for you if you won’t even do it for yourself. Of course it’s outrageous. In what world is it ok that he invites his ex round to the Christmas dinner you are cooking without asking you first?? He has done this because he knows you won’t have the backbone to cause a stir and tell him to uninvite her. Yes, his kids will be disappointed but he really should have thought about that, shouldn’t he? If you let him get away with this, what will be next?

Well that's all very lovely for you.

However I expect it would feel very different if this wasn't your own choice but was unexpectedly inflicted on you?

OP, the calling you 'petty' when you tried to pull him up on this is a real dick move. Its classic deflection - a tactic arseholes use to make you feel bad for attempting to hold them accountable for their bad behaviour. Does he do this often?

He needs to do the dinner if he’s doing the inviting!

Agree with this. He's being disrespectful to you as his partner. This isn't about one extra person, this is dismissive of you. And no, it's not just about the children, it's op's home and xmas too for those saying she should just accept it

if anyone has no problems with exes being invited, that's fine. but isn't fine and she should not be undermined in this way.

I do think 3 years is too early to be living together in a blended family situation and there are bound to be incompatibilities that come to light.

And please tell me that you aren’t going to be Miss muggy mug and accept this. How utterly humiliating to you.
he has the audacity to be annoyed ? Can you see exactly what he thinks of you.

Exactly, where do your kids factor in this? His get to have a lovely Xmas with both their parents whilst what they sit and watch on uncomfortably in their own home? So selfish of him not to even think to discuss it with you first but also not to give a thought to your kids.

I think you really need to press him on why he wouldn’t discuss this first. Its a logistics thing - numbers, not that shes an ex. Just rude.

Then I would ring her. Say shes very welcome. Ask if she would like to give you hand or of she would like to contribute with one of her girls traditions. Then I’d get chummy with her over pre wine Christmas and have a nice girls chat about DP.

We socialise with the ex and that was / is fine, holidays too.

The issue is DPs disrespect and then doubling down on that and name calling. Especially as it sounds like you are the host and he behaves like a guest.

Grim

My ex husband, the children’s father, has come to mine every year for the last 18 years.
didn’t want to divide children up when they were young and the habit stuck.

He should 💯 have asked you first. However, I think if you can all be together for Christmas day it sets a great example to the children and is a really mature thing to do. My Mum and Dad got on well after they separated and my Dad managed to put aside my Mum had an affair so we coule all spend time as a family which made our lives so much easier. I totally respect him for that, and his new partner who is happy to all be together as well.

I feel like if I had invited my ex to spend the day with us without discussing it with him, DP would have something to say about that.

I'd put that to him @IcyPortal, because he needs to understand that not discussing it with you is the real issue.

I agree with others that he needs to be doing alot of the Christmas prep work given that you're working late - why on earth should you do everything?

One of my friends and her ex-husband have spent many Christmases together with their new partners and their shared children. Of course, it helps that their divorce was fairly amicable (no cheating, for example, they just weren't getting on) and their current partners are nice people. It can work for some families.

OP you sound very gracious and reasonable. Agree with PP's to allow it to go ahead, more so to maintain positive relationship with step children. However, serious talk with him is needed on a few things:

You are a team. He cannot make decisions like this without you.
Again, you are a team. He cannot leave all Christmas prep to you.
You expressed to him how you're feeling and he called you petty, that is also a problem. Surely he can see how this might make you feel? How would he feel if you invited your ex to Christmas dinner without consulting him, in the home you share together?

It all points to him not being considerate of you, your time, efforts, views. This would be a problem for me.

You have every right to be annoyed. It's your home, just as much as your husband's, so therefore out of respect for you, as his wife, he should have discussed this before asking his ex-wife. The fact he didn't, and is now twisting the situation, so he can blame you for his mistakes, shows how little respect he has for your feelings.

Of course, you now can't say no. Your husband has made sure that you can't do this by asking his ex-wife first and making sure his daughter's are aware.

You need an honest conversation with your husband. He needs to discuss situations like this with you, especially as it effects you. Your feelings, your needs, your opinions come before his ex-wife's. You are his wife. If he truly can't see this, then where does that leave your marriage?

I don’t think the problem is he invited her. Or her coming. You’re all adults having dinner with kids alongside other families.

The issue seems to be that despite you having him and your siblings around you are doing everything.

That’s the problem I’d be sorting.

Hi op he’s obviously putting his exs feelings before yours. You have every right to be upset any decent person would have discussed first. It’s not exactly your fault she’s single she might have a new fella by then will he also be invited. Seriously make your dp do more than his fair share of everything let him see how much effort goes into the day. Would you invite your ex to even things out? I wouldn’t blame you if you did. He’s being a prick he’s calling you petty because he knows he is in the wrong. He’s not considered your kids either there not with their dad but it’s ok for his kids to have mum present disrespectful of him.

YANBU and my dh agrees, what a nightmare, Refuse to do any cooking and get him to do it with his kids... then be clear she is never coming again!

Obviously invite your ex so your children can be with both their parents at Christmas, perhaps he could bring his current partner and their children too so the family is complete.

He should have asked you first.
But on the plus side it looks like he is now doing all the cooking and prep for the event

He absolutely should respect you enough to discuss these things with you before making the invitation or telling his daughters. I would be very displeased and tell him that whatever he thinks, it's not petty to want to be included in the decision-making process of who you're hosting in your home for Christmas.

I agree that he needs to be given instructions to share more of the workload in the lead-up to Christmas, as well. There's no reason he can't help to lessen the burden on you, especially as he sees fit to invite people without consulting you first.

I actually invited DH ex when she was going to be on her own and I didn't regret it. She had the decency just to come for some of the day but it felt like the right thing to do