to say no to sisters request for no alcohol over Xmas?

I think it’s sad if the value of the holiday is more linked to alcohol than who’s there. You’re welcome to think differently.

Not a hope I'd entertain the sister's request.

You make it sound like the Op hasn’t offered a dry Christmas lunch - she’s extended a workable compromise and been rejected. Save your criticisms for her sister.

Your sister doesn’t get to dictate that every one has a ‘dry’ Christmas just to accommodate some bloke she started seeing in May. As for her saying he’s ‘‘family” that’s bonkers after such a short time. If she doesn’t like it, she and the boyfriend can make their own arrangements. Why spoil the entire family Christmas for some Johnny come lately they barely even know!

If I had been seeing someone since May and found out that they’d told their family that I am family, I’d run a mile. It’s too intense too soon.

Which post said this?

What's your point? If I "understood" alcoholism would I be more likely to say everyone should drink around them without qualms?

If they are always recovering and never cured surely that is even more reason to not drink around them.

Would not drinking around them harm them? No. Would drinking around them harm them? Possibly, if they are tempted surely.

How ridiculous. It’s Christmas - eat, drink and be merry. He has to slot in to YOUR lifestyle and if he finds the festive vibes too tricky then he can leave/ not go. He is a grown man.

I don’t mean to sound unsympathetic - I have a good friend who is an alcoholic and now sober. His wife still drinks around him and their wedding was certainly not booze- free.

he will be aware that Christmas is very tempting so hopefully will be doing more mindfulness etc to help him manage.

I thought my comment was pretty clear tbh. Its what we do when we CARE about someone else. If alcohol is more important to you than your relationships, then crack on.

if you truly care about your sister's boyfriend of 5 whole months you'll have a 'Shloer only!' policy. Anything else is cruel.

Beef? For Christmas dinner? 😢 Dinner on the 25th should always, always be 🦃

Your sister is being unreasonable, to insist after you offered a compromise. If you did humour her I'd expect the mood to be rather tense and not very enjoyable, which would be the last thing I'd want as a gf/bf of 5 months.

It's a little unusual that others' drinking on a family occasion should still be a problem after 3 years sober though.

I don’t like turkey and it’s £££. I tend to buy massive tomahawk steaks which are also expensive but are delicious so feel worth it.

There are plenty of non alcoholic drinks available and zero alcohol drinks available. Your sister should not be making such a demand.

Spot on!

I think a three day stay is more than a social occasion and it’s perfectly fair for the boyfriend to express a preference for Christmas at his sister’s with less booze. It doesn’t have to mean that he is about to fall off the wagon.

It is the sister who is insisting that they must stay for 3 days and there must be no alcohol.

You sister is being unreasonable. I may be biased but I was in a relationship with an alcoholic ( sorry, dependent drinker) and sometimes negotiating their sobriety was even more of a challenge than their active addiction. I am not saying this is true of all individuals in recovery, and staying in recovery is hard work. BUT like it or not, social drinking especially at certain times is part of our culture. Everyone who wants a drink should have one, without having to take on the 'alcohol addiction ' baggage of your sister's partner.He has done well to stay sober so long, and he should have the tools in place and AA support especially around that time of the year. If he thinks he is in danger of relapse he should avoid the occasion, and come to some agreement with your sister about her attendance ( she could spend xmas day with him) . It is HIS issue. The problem I always found that I was always on tenterhooks around drinking/alcohol and my partner and I don't think it is fair for your sister to expect you and the rest of your family to be be the same. Has your sister got form for dictating terms for family events?

I do both.

No, you truly don't understand alcoholism. You can make the environment dry, sure, thereby making a huge elephant of the whole thing which is not helpful to anyone and actually causes low level resentment and awkwardness for this man going forward. But if someone truly wants to drink they'll get it from somewhere else, regardless. Doing this will only cause the issues I've mentioned. Growing up with two alcohol dependent parents I can tell you this would not be the way to go.

I don't think this is about 'alcohol being more important than relationships', its about the sisters respect for her family and those relationships being more important than a 6 month boyfriend ( or any month, actually).

I'd be mighty pissed off and being dictated to in this way and it would take the sheen off xmas day.

I'd be mortified in the boyfriends shoes to put this on the hosts. Wonder whose idea it was?

I have a friend who is totally alcohol free. A few years ago, they drank to excess. Frequently

anyway, when we meet now, i still have a drink. They have alc free beer. Didnt occur to me to change my behaviour because of theirs

they have never suggested we dont go to the pub and go to a coffee shop instead

How does he cope if he goes to a restaurant for a meal, does he insist that that they clear the shelves of any alcohol before he will step foot over the threshold.

How does he cope when he nips to the supermarket to buy some bread and milk and there is alcohol there.

He is an apparent grown up so it is up to him to say no to the alcohol as he has the issues with alcohol it is not for everybody else to alter their behaviours. If he doesn’t like that he can always stay at home.

Alcohol isn't important to me but freedom of choice is. Its obviously ok in your world for the ops sister to dictate if she or any other adults are allowed to have a drink at a wedding, party or other gatherings for the rest of their lives (assuming this relationship goes the distance) even if they are hosting.

Fair enough, but it wouldn't do for me. And not because I can't live without a drink, I'm a very moderate drinker and have seen alcoholism first hand through a family member. But I just don't believe one person should be able to dictate to a whole group of adults what their choices are. God help them if the sister and partner also decide to go vegan!

Your sister is taking the piss. She can whatever rules she wants when she hosts. You can have your own rules. You made a fair compromise.

It’s for her partner to manage his own alcoholism, not to make decisions for when and what others can drink.