Single dad looking for advice about birthday party issue.

Same. There’s inclusion, and there’s this kind of batshittery, where dozens of people have every special occasion compromised and ruined to accommodate just one person.

This is totally on the mother of the ASD child. Whilst I appreciate how tough it must be for her, she can’t just unilaterally insist that her child is invited to everything regardless of his behaviour. He obviously doesn’t cope well at big parties, so why won’t she accept it’s probably best he doesn’t attend? Or at least is removed if his behaviour deteriorates?

Insisting on his inclusion at events where he can’t cope is doing him a grave disservice in the long run, because as he grows up he is unlikely to experience the same degree of latitude in other social situations. And why keep pushing your child into parties where his presence is dreaded?

I think the only way to tackle it head on, OP, is to have an uncomfortable conversation with the mum about the child’s interactions with your daughter, which mean unfortunately you can’t include him. Hell would freeze over before I extended a part invitation to a kid who’d been violent to my child multiple times, disability or not.

The non-confrontational approach is, as PPs have suggested, a girls only party.

In this case, I think it’s absolutely fine to not invite him. Bad behaviour shouldn’t be normalised and rewarded. Yes, he is autistic, but lots of children with autism go to parties and their parents don’t just sit back and let them cause chaos and be violent. This is a parenting issue and it’s okay to say no. The parents need to manage the situation better or they need to bring extra support or they need to politely decline. They have a lifetime of supporting him in managing social situations and making sure he and everyone around him are safe. They need to get started.

I agree.
Hand the invitations directly to the parents if you can, and I would quietly mention at that point that “not quite all the class are invited so I’m being a bit discreet”. You don’t have to mention that it is only that one boy who is not invited, just that it’s not quite all the class, and that way the parents will be aware to not go bellowing around talking about it or mentioning it on an all-class WhatsApp group.
Any parents who don’t go to the school pick up /drop off would have to be passed the invitation via their child, but at least doing some of them directly through the parents avoids that whole thing of your kid handing out all the invitations in the classroom to everyone but one child.
It’s a tricky situation with no possible perfect outcome, but I think you’ve done the right thing in protecting your daughter in preserving her nice party, and also the right thing in being honest with this boy’s mum.

I would just do an all girls party and just the one boy she plays with.

thats what we’ve done a number of time, invited all the boys apart from one girl that my son plays with.

she always comes, even though I make her mum aware she’ll be the only girl.

Because it’s the simplest way not
to be the arsehole who excludes the boy with SEN

and its it’s got feck all to do with girls and boys being unequal and you know it

How is it arseholery to exclude a child who has ruined previous parties with impunity and has a parent who would parent?

In fairness, if you hadn’t been managing his behaviour by removing him when he “kicked off”, she had a point.

One of the neighbouring kids was like that. We stopped inviting him as the parents made no effort to stop him ruining the party for everyone else.

Sorry I haven’t read the full thread so someone might have suggested similar, but how about making a quiet, low stimulus area away from the main party for ‘any kids’ who feel overwhelmed to go for a rest/break. Then when this child kicks off you can point the mum towards it. It’s a good compromise because he’s still being invited along but has somewhere he can go if he gets overwhelmed and needs some space away from the noise and busyness of the main party. I have an autistic child and although I sympathise with the mum and little boy, it isn’t fair that everyone’s party is ruined. My child is more likely to go very quiet/hide at parties but the solution is the same, we’ll go and find somewhere a little less overwhelming to sit, even if it’s a walk out to the car, and then attempt to try the main party again, maybe when the children are eating and it’s a little quieter and less busy.

Don't invite him, someone else's child being autistic isn't your problem, if he would just get sensory overload in the corner and that didn't impact anyone else well he'd be invited (one of my children's friends is like this, he isn't disruptive or demands the activity is changed, he just cries if it gets too much, his parent's take him away from the noise and that's just fine, I'd never leave him out because he doesn't cause any problems for any other children). The issue un this boy's case is his behaviour, hurting other children and ruining the party for everyone else isn't on and unfortunately as sad as it might seem it is for the best he isn't invited.

Don't do physical invites that are handed out, just invite the children via WhatsApp by creating a group with the parents of the children you want to invite. The excluded child's mum doesn't even need to know the party is happening, if she finds out you just explain it isn't suitable for her child to attend given the last party.

you didn’t even have the guts to speak to the parent before you sent that awful email

I work in a class with about 3 very violent children. I work hard and they work hard and we’re doing ok. Inclusion is forced. You don’t need to bring it into your daughter’s life.

The message you have sent is perfect. I would have done exactly the same. Anyone objecting is putting another child’s needs above their own. You are not responsible for anyone’s child. Only your own.

I think you’ve done the right thing. If nothing else but because it sounds like the poor boy can’t cope with such big events.

You could speak to the parents about removing the child if they get upset, but given they have never done so before I think you may be talking to a brick wall.

I never had 'all class' parties growing up, and it didn't impact my relationships with others in the class. Maybe just invite who your daughter is closest to?

Can you explain why the feelings of the child with autism should trump what the OPs child wants to do on her special day?

You're very triggered and angry about it - have you had some personal experience of this?

Don't invite him. Tough shit if he's upset. We don't always have to #bekind when it's at the direct detriment of ourselves or someone we love. The behaviour you described this child as exhibiting is not acceptable.

SEN is a reason for certain behaviours, but not an excuse and it's unreasonable of the mum not to manage her child's behaviour appropriately.

Frankly the fact he has been aggressive towards your daughter is reason enough, without all the additional stuff you describe.

You could limit numbers to say, half the class, and let your daughter choose who to invite. But why should other children miss out because of this boy and his useless mother?

I hope your daughter has a lovely party.

You’ve done the right thing.

The mum shouldn’t have needed to be told, so if her nose is put out, that’s on her.

As much as you all can understand her reasons for wanting to include her son, she should also understand the reasons for not including him - parties cost a great deal and the birthday person deserves a party without her son causing chaos.
Her actions have been selfish and you’ve put a stop to it.

@tomWh I'd do what you have done. I would exclude him because of the violence my child and her classmates have suffered. Why should your daughter have her party ruined?

I hope your DD has a lovely day and enjoys her party. 🎈🎁🎂

I left out one boy for DS’s 5th birthday party, while inviting all the other boys and most of the girls in the class.

DS was adamant he didn’t want this one boy. The boy didn’t have SEN or any known behavioural problems, but he was the oldest and biggest in the year and DS was the youngest and smallest, and he used to push DS around and be generally mean to him.

So I just didn’t invite him. I don’t know if he or his parents ever knew. The party came and went, and I forgot all about it. By the end of primary school they got on well together, and they still do now, as young adults.

My advice would be to not invite this disruptive child, but I would also try and avoid making the giving of invitations too obvious. That’s just asking for trouble.

This. Neurodiversity isn’t an excuse for bad behaviour and it’s never too early to learn that if you behave badly to other people they won’t like you.

I don't know anything, it's just you who decides that you are ok with separating boys and girls.

No one is an "arsehole" for not inviting a bully. It's irrelevant what the issues are, parents should put their own child first, and nothing is worst than teaching girls (or boys) that they should tolerate violence because they have "to be kind".

It's not ok. We need to stop sending the message that it's an acceptable thing to do.

Absolutely this!

Or approach her in the same vein and say you don’t agree with leaving kids out but you will not under any circumstances have your daughters party ruined.

Then be very clear - any sign of poor behaviour and you will be asked to leave immediately.

I would also say if you don’t think your son can handle the party it is fine he doesn’t go either.

I support your decision @tomWh

He isn't being excluded because he's autistic, he's being excluded because of his behaviour. Autism is a reason for their difficulties, not an excuse not to parent them.

My youngest is autistic. I do not allow her to be violent or to scream at people. I would not take her to parties where she would be overstimulated. It's not fair on her or anyone else.

Girls do not have to always make allowances for violent males whatever the cause.