AIBU to feel stuck managing conflict between my two daughters with one really pushing buttons

As to the original topic I think there needs to be balance between understanding the reasons for neurodivergent behaviour and having boundaries and expectations for the behaviour.

That was my question as well. I can't see what DD2 has done wrong here.

I think fair enough regarding DD2 not wanting anything to do with DD1 anymore. Why should she accept crumbs of attention interspersed with abuse from her sister?

With the 16 year old all you can do is try to insist that she speaks respectfully to her sibling, I don't think there's a lot you can do to fix the relationship. I don't see what would motivate DC2 to want to fix things if she's had to put up with poor treatment for such a long time.

I agree, this is so unfair on DD2. DD1 needs to find ways to manage her behaviour, rather than expecting everyone else to just deal with it. Poor DD2, I imagine that once she leaves home she will never look back.

This isn’t an article written for your entertainment, the OP is struggling with a difficult daughter and family dynamic and asking for help. If you can’t be bothered even to read her posts then just leave the thread instead of demanding that she summarise the issue for you.

What @BertieBotts said is what works for us. I didn’t know it was a technique, but I’ve kept a hard boundary of ‘shouting / screaming / whining’ doesn’t work. Calm down and ask me nicely, and I’ll help. I’ve left the room quite a few times, I’m not helping her regulate if she’s shouting at me. And I’m modelling to the other DC that they don’t have to stay and be shouted at, either. I’m right there once she’s calmed down, ready to provide cuddles and cups of tea, as the aftermath is pretty draining for her.

Please do ignore Debbie - it will do your dd no favours at all to teach her that everyone who does anything other than give in to her is being ableist. Her sister is entitled to move away from a shouting sibling, and frankly that’s a good option compared to things like shouting back.

@BertieBotts what a lovely thoughtful post, thank you for sharing it. I will be trying some of these techniques with my own volatile autistic child. Would you mind explaining what HTT books are though? My quick googling has not identified them.

DD2 is doing nothing wrong here. She doesn’t owe anyone who treats her badly a relationship, sister or not.

She’s 16, and I bet she’s counting down the days until she can get the fuck away from her.

I don’t like the phrase “pushing buttons “. It tries to make other people responsible for your/ones own issues.

This OP. You don’t have a sibling conflict problem as much as a rude, entitled, teenager problem. Yes she’s ND, but this doesn’t mean she gets to treat others like shit.

Do not do this. She’s had an entire life of being the glass child, she doesn’t need to be reminded that her sister is more important and how lucky she is.

OP has 2 children and both deserve to be parented.

Absolutely nuts.

Such nonsense. If someone, whether ND or not, is behaving badly, anyone has the right to ignore them if they possibly can. In no way can it be described as discrimination. Being ND is not a free pass to behaving however you want without any restraint or concern for others.

I feel ur pain. I have 3 girls 14 12 9, the 12 year old is autistic. The 14 and 12 year old constantly argue about everything, they just can't be nice then the 12 year old explodes and nothing is her fault, everyone is against her (she has pda) etc etc then the 9 year old gets the brunt of her explosions.
No real help but ive come to terms that they just don't get on and try to be the peace keeper

ffs - this is a huge over reaction!!!

Agree, what absolute nonsense. DD2 is sensible to ignore someone who is being abusive. If she doesn't ignore her, then she will likely be accused of 'pushing buttons'.
Edit to add: like hell I am going to pander to someone who is abusive towards me, ND or not.

Agreed.
Edited to add.. I do think you are doing your best in a difficult situation.

But this was my take on it and I'm just trying to dig back and remember what worked for us during a similar period.

The whole household seems to revolve around DD1s wants and needs, and if DD2 does get a look in DD1 immediately complains she's the golden child, so the compulsion is to rush back and placate her again.

I can understand that you are trying to support DD1 and get her through sixth form and that is a difficult time, but she's getting away with a lot of bad behaviour.

The headphones issue for eg.
She loses headphones all over the house - whining and expecting you to problem solve. Too lazy to look for them.
You lent her yours - not acceptable
You went round the house looking for hers - ungrateful
You took your own back again as she's now got hers - she shouted at you.

You need to take a step back and be too busy or just ignore the urge to jump in and fix things. You are not her valet or servant.
I know its sometimes easier to just do it.. but you need to step back for her good and for your own sanity. Apparently it takes about 20 days to learn a new habit. So take it step by step with her.

You say that you do spend time with her going to cafes and shopping ( I bet that's her shopping BTW) this is a good chance out of the house to have a small casusl talk with her about things in a non critical way. Ask her for the solutions.
ie "How would you solve your headphone problem?" "What would you think of having a basket in every room where you could put your stuff to take up to your room"

When she starts complaining about DD2.. you need to be honest. "You really are nasty to her so she keeps out of your way. - How do you think you could change that DD1.. what could YOU do about it." try to get her to see it from other people's points of view.

Try to keep the fixing of things strictly to school work. Make her more responsible for her own things like washing clothes etc reminding her it will be good to know for when she gets her own place. Get her interested in what she might do next ( Its a good idea to look at courses or visit places she might like to study at) .

You have my sympathy. Its not an easy time. Also wanted to say.. don't let her see you as just her Mrs Doyle waiting to hand her cups of tea... make it more apparent to her that you also have your own life and interests. And do please please stand up for DD2.

Thats not the golden child, thats the glass child (the one who has to learn resilience and self sufficiency, because her siblings high needs are demanding all the attentions of the parents). Just a thought !

This is not discrimination, this is earned consequence.

It doesnt matter whether dd1 has control over her actions or words or not, and i doubt its that simple. The real point is she is responsible and accountable for them. Lots of commenters on here pointing out that dd1, if not "retrained" to examine how she would feel on the receiving end, will absolutely be shunned in the real world and have no friends or only equally abusive friends. She can learn how to behave and treat others with respect, otherwise, she doesnt get it back. People will avoid her. Thats the harsh reality. Impact matters more than intent.

Retrained!?!

She's not a dog. How insulting!

Very disablist!

I really feel for your second daughter. I have friends in a similar situation and the neurodiverse child has always been the focus of their attention and the other one is often ignored and spends her life stepping on eggshells. Your 18 year old is an adult and needs to learn to behave like one. There are probably some charities out there who can help you. You cannot let your child continue ruining everyone’s life.

I would love to hear about a case of an adult being sent to prison for ignoring a ND person who is behaving in an abusive manner. Absolutely ridiculous. Time to stop making excuses for bad behaviour.

You haven't got a conflict between your daughters. You've got an abusive 18 year old and her victim. I'm telling you now that unless you stop your 18-year-old's behaviour and nip it in the bud, your youngest daughter will (rightfully) walk out of your life and not look back and you will be stuck with an abusive nightmare for the rest of your days. Your eldest's behaviour is absolutely unacceptable - so stop treating her like she's behaving properly. Cut out every single treat and focus on the daughter who knows how to behave appropriately.

You need to get a grip of yourself. The eldest ignored her sister for years - why is that OK in your book? Being neurodiverse is not an excuse for being a twat.