AIBU to feel stuck managing conflict between my two daughters with one really pushing buttons

It sounds like you aren’t so much managing conflict between your two daughters as dealing with DD1s expectations.

So she’s been shut to her sister for most of her childhood and formative years but now expects her sister to be ok with her occasionally on DD1s timetable - but back to hating her on the flip of a coin.

DD2 has gone for self preservation and is just done with her. Can you blame her?

DD1 might have a list of ND issues - so did my youngest but there were still basics of behaviour we expected from anyone living under our roof. I get she might have more severe sensitivites etc - but frankly tough shit. She needs to learn cause and effect/consequences. Lending her your headphones when she’s carelessly lost so many and then behaves atrociously- nope.

I do feel sorry for you all being held hostage emotionally in this way but also what message is it sending DD2? What’s her relationship like with others in the family?

id be prepping DD1 to leave home within the next 2/3 years and get her used to budgeting and bill Paying and adulting stuff (making own appointments etc as well).

I did it for my youngest so if things got really bad and I needed to have him live elsewhere I wanted him to know how he should be managing his life (but different as he was also prone to red mist rages and would smash up his room etc and I was worried it would lead to violence one day).

good luck.

Oh come on, no it doesn’t.

I would park working on executive functioning right now and focus on emotional regulation. This is clearly a bigger need. Can the school help with that? Do they have access to psychology or OT? If your relationship is strained, I wouldn't attempt doing it yourself. There may need to be an independent adult involved.

She also sounds spoilt.

6 sets of AirPods??

I know she’s ND and probably prone to losing them but Christ.

I have a nd daughter and I so disagree with this. Don't make dd2 feel like she is less important. You can make allowances for dd1 without diminishing dd2. I don't have conflict between mine, but I took my eye of the ball whilst focusing on the nd one and the others mental health plummet, it is not easy being the sibling of a neurodiverse child. I would accept that they are not going to be best friends and try and set some rules for coexisting politely in the same space. I also realised a while back that shared rooms on holidays do not work with a nd child in the mix. its better to have fewer or less fancy holidays.

I'd keep them separate as much as possible and come down really hard on the eldest's insults and abusive behaviour to her sister. Pick your battles and that is the one you should choose.

OP a lot of what you are doing in thinking you are de escalating the situation is actually feeding the beast. You are trying to be placatary to everyone and then when you finally set a boundary (removing your headphones) your DD1 kicks off. Your comment about how many pairs of headphones she has and has lost really stood out. It sounds like you’ve tried to solve the problem of her being careless with belongings by ensuring she has an excessive number of them. This clearly hasn’t worked but then you tried to solve it again by giving her your headphones which weren’t received in the way you wanted so you lost your temper (understandably) and it all kicked off. You need to reframe your thinking into managing a neurodivergent adult not parenting a small child.

@Krispycrem is your DD1 having any form of counselling to deal with her aggressive behaviour?

She clearly gets more 1 to 1 time and attention than your DD2 so seems to have a very warped sense of fairness.

Have you actually added up how much time you've spent with her vs how much with DD2? As she is ND, then perhaps she would prefer answers like "Actually that's not true. This week I have spent X hours doing things with you but only Y hours doing things with DD2".

Also, I hope you haven't paid for all these air pods???? 6 pairs?

She may be ND but that doesn't excuse rude behaviour.

You could be describing my sister and I accept I am your DD2 and the older one.
I was seen as more resilient and more able to cope than my DSis and expected to tolerate her melt downs with no apology afterwards.
It has taken me longer to get to your DD2’s point in fact it only happened this summer.
But how I feel and how your DD2 feels I probably suspect is I am done with being my DSis’ punching bag, from being expected to be understanding etc. I have taken a step back from her and slightly cooled to my parents too.
I accept my DSis’ ND ( and quite a lot of my families), but it doesn’t give her free rein to behave badly and I am no longer enabling it.
My DSis seems to make everything and competition and probably thinks I was the golden child, but in fact repeatably I just had to get on with stuff myself because DSis needed my parents more. Even when there was ways of supporting us both because my DSis would make such a fuss about wanting things exactly the way she wanted them with no compromise I was just left to manage.
I would appear the golden child as whether I was resilient or not originally I had to become so. I acknowledge that my parents are proud of everything I have achieved, but it came at a cost.

ND people tend to have a very powerful sense of injustice, they see younger siblings being treated differently with lower expectations and they feel very aggrieved. Could that be at the root of the golden child perception?

You’ve said one child is ND and the other not. Making comparisons between them won’t help, they aren’t the same. One is facing challenges in daily life that the other isn’t. I think you have to accept they aren’t going to be friends at the moment and not force them together. Things may well change in the future.

Is there really conflict between them?

DD2 has disengaged from her sister due to DD1's volatile and abusive behaviour. I don't blame her for not wanting to spend time with DD1. She's trying to protect herself from DD1.

It matters not one iota that DD1 now wants some kind of relationship with DD2 after ignorung her for over 5 years. DD2 witnesses DD1 behaving in a disgusting manner (ND or not!) towards the people who have prioritised DD1, so DD2 is well aware that being nice to DD1 offers no protection against receiving abusive language and behaviour from her.

I cant help but wonder if the only reason DD1 now wants to have a relaionship with DD2 is because DD1 has had enough and has disengaged resulting in DD1 knowing she's no longer pulling the strings in their relationship.

The conflict is DD1's alone.

I’m exactly the same as you, as the eldest girl with a younger ND sister. We fell out in summer (see my previous threat) and the relationship has suffered ever since. Although we have “made up” she mostly ignores me, blocked me on social media and I am expected to understand. I find peace in not falling out with her, if she’s being unreasonable I have vowed to not engage as you can’t argue with that level of unreasonableness. She’s 24 and still makes my mum suffer but my mum massively panders to her or she’ll “kill herself”. Honestly, my advice would be actually spend some quality time with your youngest daughter one on one. Also, the more you pander to the eldest the worse it will get. Set some firm boundaries now unless you want to be in the same position in 5 years. Also, watch out for DD2 moving in with the first man she meets in order to get away from you all. I moved out and married at 21 to get away- I was lucky my husband is a good un’, but there’s plenty out there ready and waiting to take advantage of a young naive girl eager to escape.

lol as if any NT sibling in the world is held to lower expectations than their ND sibling!

and ND “sense of injustice”? No - that’s the fixed, entirely ego centric perspective that barely accepts other people are human & cannot for one moment imagine anything other than their own deregulated, overwhelming emotion as universally true and real.

What nonsense.

I have a SEN young adult (23) Didn't really got on with her sibling until a few years ago.

Even though she is super intelligent her emotional maturity came much later.

Anyone would prefer the company of someone who doesn’t scream and shout at them over someone who does. Actions have consequences and the sooner our children learn this the better able they are to fit into wider society.

I wouldn't concentrate on their relationship. But the behaviour of dd18. ND or not this behaviour is unacceptable.

I have a twin sister we argued about everything and only got along when we were older. Now we are so close. I'm in my 30s id ay we have gotten along since late 20s

I actually think you're already handling it as well as you can - it's just an unfortunate situation.

As you say, with an autistic teen it's a fine line between struggling and badly behaved, and you seem to be getting the best balance you can by ignoring some of it but also putting in boundaries e.g. with your headphones.

I have teen DDs who are completely different to each other. Currently DD2 is more shouty and argumentative, which means we end up shouting at her more. She sometimes implies we think DD1 is the perfect one, which is tricky to deal with, as of course we love them both equally, it's just that DD2 is usually the one who is currently ranting!

You sounds like nice parents to me.

Her sister is not responsible for DD1s neurodivergence. She is not ‘lucky’ to be neurotypical. They are both accidents of birth. It sounds as though DD2 has borne the brunt of her sisters’ behaviour for years. Teaching her that the behaviour is somehow OK and should be tolerated because DD1s life will be harder is abhorrent. Neurodivergence is not a free pass for vile behaviour and it shouldn’t be enabled.

Agree. It’s enabling, hashtag bekind bullshit.

Sounds like the 18 yo is a little Madam who has her parents running around her to try to please and calm her, which is making it much worst, and her behaviour is getting worst because she thrives on attention and is getting everything she wants.

the 16yo should be the priority

and I would be very firm with 18yo once and for all. When she's ranting that life is unfaiiiiiiiiiiir, I would just tell her to behave like an adult and ignore her.
Waking up the entire house would have consequences, it's not acceptable.