AIBU to feel stuck managing conflict between my two daughters with one really pushing buttons

Don't let DD1 drama distract you from DD2 needs. YOu need to spend quality time with her too. She can't be blamed for withdrawing and should be allowed to do so. A couple of posters who have been there are eloquent on how it feels.

Well of course they prefer the youngest daughter - she doesn’t treat them like shit and manipulate them. Neurodivergence isn’t a free pass to vile behaviour and if eldest doesn’t realise that actions have consequences someone should be explaining it to her. ‘Behave like an arsehole and people won’t like ‘you is not rocket science.

Just because you do more with one doesn’t mean that the other one isn’t seen as preferred.

You’re the adult here, the kids shouldn’t have any feeling of one being liked or having a better relationship with their parents than the other.

Personally I think you need outside help as I don’t think you are best placed to guide her on this. You talk about her need to develop skills- but it doesn’t sound like you have the skills yourself

You behave how you’ve been taught. The parents have had her teenage years to guide her and mould her and haven’t. They’re now complaining about it. You become an adult based on the skills you’ve been taught

Her younger daughter has been ignored for years, and by the sounds of it, der daughter sucks up all the energy in the family.
*Lots of days out and 1-2-1 time.
*Parents' energy moving schools, diagnosis etc(all important)
*Has mom running around searching for things she's misplaced
*Shouting, screaming and having everyone on eggshells.
*Generally rewarded for poor behaviour...

And you think DD2 is the lucky one for being NT (practically ignored)?
Wow!

Poor DD2, I’d be worried about my future relationship with her if she sees DD1 getting most of the attention in the family. Sounds like she has done nothing wrong. Why would she want DD1 at anything when she behaves so badly and is likely to kick off and ruin it?

It's funny. I got the opposite impression - that OP favours her DD1.

I know ND children take up a lot of one's time, brainspace and energy and when we have NT DC we may 'forget' them a bit.

@Krispycrem , I think you need to be firm with DD1. From your post, it appears you have not put in boundaries with her.

The example of the earbuds/headphones for example. I wouldn't have given her mine. I would have insisted she looked for hers. She's lost 6. I may help her for a bit and we look together but I would not give her mine. Secondly, coming into my room standing there screaming, shouting or whatever is just a NO.

I have a ND child, 4 ND nieces and nephews... I know every ND child is different.

I learnt firmness from watching how one of my DS and one of my SIL manage their ND's children's behaviour, needs, meltdowns etc. It was an eye-opening for me. Because I could see the contrast in behaviour in my own child and one of my other DSis's children.

It's been a hard 3 years but my change in managing DC's behaviour now 16 is reaping rewards. I see your DD is older, I wish you the best.

OP, I agree with this.

It is very hard line to tread, distinguishing between not coping and misbehaving. And you're bound to get it wrong sometimes, but having boundaries is crucial, which you seem to have in place already.

I would also advise to spend more time with DD2. She seems the more resilient one, but that's because she needs to be, like a PP said. I've been there, still am.

Nothing you can do about the jealousy from DD1 towards DD2. DD2's self preservation instinct in detaching is spot on.

Hopefully, with experience your DD1 will realise that sometimes it is absolutely on her, and that will take longer because of her ND and maturity comes later for them (which is why it grates to hear PPs refer to your teen DD1 as a woman - only on paper).

Finally, don't take to heart the comments here from PP's without direct experience of and ND child. With the best will in the world, they just don't get it.

Catza hits the nail on the head. In reality many ND children manage not to meltdown outside of family situations - because they know that within family releasing frustrations will be tolerated.
Firm boundaries are so important, teaching them to manage relationships also.
Being ND is absolutely not an excuse for being an arsehole. I do sympathise with the OP though. Its a tough gig at times.

I wouldn’t disagree. But in this case neurodivergence is in the mix and it sounds as though, however unconsciously, it’s been used to excuse/enable shitty behaviour. That needs to stop because all the therapy and support in the world for DD1’s disability won’t help with the consequences of being deliberately vile to people and expecting a free pass ‘because neurodiverse’.

Not for the OP, too late for that but I think children should see their parents as figures of authority, not as friends. They should be scared to upset them, from an early age. Depending on a child, sanctions could be from very light to extremely severe, but there must be sanctions. Children are not stupid - sanctions work and even animals are taught not to bite their owners with sanctions. I have seen parents with autistic children beating them, yes, children beating their parents (!!!!!) and I have seen parents with autistic children who would not dream of raising a hand to their parents, lashing out at furniture, toys, even a TV set. I also received one explanation - when a young autistic child kicked a small dog so violently that it flew some distance, his parents (dad, tbh) administered such swift justice to him that he never kicked or raised a hand to a living creature again.

They are 18 and not yet 16!

All the apologists coming out. Yes being ND is hard as a teenager, I am my DS are. However, it is not a golden ticket to abuse anyone you choose. I see it so much, my ND child has done X awful thing but it’s not their fault. At 18 you dd can make choices, she understands logic. By allowing her to set her own narrative and behave in such an appalling way you are setting her up for a life time of failed relationships.
18 is young, she can change but she won’t if no one tells her the truth.

As the parent of an almost 12yo ND (hug functioning) boy can I say thank you for this! We've found that some people expect us to shield him from what he's struggling with, rather than try and help him understand that he needs to find ways to cope with the way the world and society works. We make it clear that it isn't always fair, but sadly it's how things are. It's nice to hear from someone on his side of things that our approach isn't awful!

(Sorry I'm aware this doesn't contribute to OP's situation at all, and I'm unable to really comment in a constructive way to that. But also, I felt the need to comment and say this as it really was helpful)

@Bellesbest what on earth has dd2 done wrong?

It sounds to me as though your elder daughter has worked out how to manipulate every situation so that she benefits, and you are not seeing this.

In DD2's position I wouldn't want to have anything to do with DD1 either.

I wholeheartedly agree!

P.S please excuse any errors and typos in my posts - I have a broken arm and typing is tedious in the extreme.

I would forget any ideas of helping to repair the relationship between your daughters. I would tell DD1 she's simply reaping what she's sewn. Please affirm your DD2's right to choose what's best for her. To be honest, I think you risk losing your DD2 as soon as she's old enough to leave, which isn't far away now. You have indulged your DD1's awful behaviour for far too long. It's time for some real life consequences. As she's got away with awful behaviour for years, I would say you need to start introducing some absolutely clear and non negotiable boundaries starting with the absolute basics, and gradually increase the expectations.

You haven’t really explained this. What exactly is DD1 trying to do and how is DD2 reacting? Conflict between them is cited as the AIBU but the posts are very largely about your interactions with dd1.

If you can elaborate on what dd1 previously ignoring actually involved and what the interactions are now you may get better focussed advice on this specifically.

This, @Bellesbest . In what way is the younger daughter behaving badly?

Sounds like my sister tbh. I was younger and she was an absolutely awful teenager. No diagnosed neuro divergence but I wouldn't be surprised if she had some kind of personality disorder. My parents tolerated it. I was a lot earlier going, no trouble, no arguments, and basically just got on with life while everyone tip toed around my sister. Absolutely awful but there is no situation that won't leave dd1 feeling slighted because that is how she perceives the world from the sounds of it, she is the victim and everyone else is at fault.

Is it possible that you have made so many adjustments within the family unit in favour of DD1 that she has come to rely on it/expect it/feel entitled to it. And rail against it when she doesn’t get her own way or have things on her own terms.

Your priority objective should be to enable her to live independently.
Only you know how much of her conduct is down to her disability and how much she is milking it to get her own way. Either way she can’t behave like this outside of the home without making extra problems for herself. So now could be the time to let her realise that she has to go the extra mile to make adjustments herself instead of relying on her family to always take the hits.

Do you think you could become a bit firmer and stop picking up the pieces all the time. Sounds as if you are spoon feeding her instead of letting her find out the hard way. A neurodivergent teen still needs to fall occasionally so that she learns how to pick herself up and make her own logical connections for next time.
Sounds like she needs to face a few more consequences from her own argumentative actions.
Is she just in a habit now of being deliberatly contradictory ?

For example, after a quick reminder about practising respect and family compromise, you could say something like …..”DD1, I expect no argument, and no back chat from you for the rest of today. Any sign of argument or disrespect to any of us and this will be the consequence….. Up to you to show us you can at least try to stop causing conflict. Life is extra hard for you we know that, but now that you are older, that simply means you have to learn faster and be a whole lot more thoughful about not letting your disability hurt anybody else around you.

I feel sorry for DD2 in this situation. 5 years living in this stressful relationship could well have shaped her differently.
I would try to minimise any negative effect on her and certainly ensure that she never has to share a room with her older sister on holiday again.
All the best OP.

Very difficult OP and exhausting.

No one child can dominate the house is my opinion.
I have NT children and it can be challenging.

But I have never accepted bad behaviour.
DD1 sounds a bit like a house terrorist and everything is on her terms.
DD2 no longer cares about being around her, which actually is her choice.

DD1 needs a much firmer line to be held.
In the real world she will be avoided by others because everything is about her.
ND is often coupled with huge selfishness in my experience, however in this house I have pushed back hard not to accept it.

It is exhausting and I feel very sorry for you.

I would in your place tell them both that you have had enough and to keep out of each other's way.

Stop trying to fix things and find your pissed off anger.
Start making life a bit less comfortable.
Your health will undoubtedly be impacted by this stress.
You need to mind yourself.

Any ideas, OP, why DD1 is currently so dysregulated? Are there any factors that may be contributing such as friendship struggles, intense romantic relationship, academic pressure? If it offers any reassurance, we’re an ND household and my 14 and 18 year old girls also currently don’t connect, or relate positively with one another - but that won’t necessarily be the case forever, you know? It might just be too much for them right now.