AIBU to feel stuck managing conflict between my two daughters with one really pushing buttons

What bollocks! I'm not saying being neurodiverse isn't hard, but it's doesn't mean dd1 can behave however she wants. And what has dd2 done to antagonise her anyway?

If anything, dd2 is being let down.

How did you work that one out?

The youngest one is bullied by the oldest, the all house is revolving around the eldest.

It's telling that the tread is not "how do I manage my eldest daughter who is making everybody's life hell"
but managing conflict when there's nothing to manage about the youngest, who is trying to stay away from her sister and her bullying.

why has she got 6 sets of AirPods, surely an 18 year old has one or none. I don't have any at all DH has one set of the first generation that he uses daily.

The problem seems to be that the eldest is the priority and that hasn't helped the situation, she gets days out, trips away etc for behaving in the most appalling manner towards her poor sister. DD2 must be sick to the back teeth of living in that house.

Yes it's a longer game. The thing is, she's getting upset anyway, and accusing you of being awful and other things anyway, isn't she? I definitely held off this kind of approach for ages because I thought it would be cruel or unempathetic, but I've come to realise by actually living it for a little bit that it isn't incompatible with empathy at all. I can still feel empathetic for DS2's upset, and even express empathy (though sometimes I don't because he'll just interpret it as sarcastic or annoying) without getting drawn into whatever the upset has fixated itself on. I can still offer my help and support but when he actually wants it and is able to engage with it, rather than when he's demanding that I magically fix the problem in the exact way he has in his head, which I can't do anyway.

It's not nice to essentially ignore your child when they are in distress, agreed, but it's also not nice to be shouted and screamed at. And TBH what they are saying during these moods is not always literal. DS2 at one point a few weeks ago was sobbing "Why don't you love me?!" with tears streaming down his face during a meltdown and I wondered if I'm getting it wrong and causing some kind of trauma, but later that evening he had moved on from whatever it was, I can't even remember what the issue was that had upset him that time except that I was doing something with DS3 rather than him, and he was his normal snuggly self and I said you do know I love you, don't you? And he said yes and also that he was sad when I was with DS3, and we were able to actually have a conversation about what his experience was when he got really caught up in this emotional storm, and what my perspective was and why I didn't stop doing whatever it was with DS3 at the time, and this is major progress, because previously there's just absolutely been no possibility at all to discuss incidents later, he either had no memory of them at all or would just go completely silly and not talk about it properly.

It's not going to make it reduce overnight, in fact it might well get worse before it gets better but once it does start to get better it's been one of the best things I've done.

What's the point of such a useless comment?

If you're struggling to read a few paragraphs, then just move on. You don't have to let everyone know.

I know a pair of siblings who are similar. While growing up, the ND sibling received most of their parents attention because of their behavioural problems, meltdowns and occasional self harm. The NT sibling found a well paid job after university and has moved abroad. Their visits home are brief and they stay in a hotel to avoid being around their difficult sibling (who has never left home).

At the rate you are going @Krispycrem, your younger DD will move far away as an adult. You have to accept the fact that being ND isn’t an excuse to be abusive. It isn’t ‘cold’ to ignore a tantrum, it’s allowing DD1 time to calm herself down and avoids you getting caught up in the meltdown drama.

So poor DD2 is to be sacrificed on the altar of the appalling behaviour of her elder sister if she so much as tries to stand up for herself in any way? No-one, whether ND or not, has the right to ride roughshod over the life and feelings of other members of the family. I'm horrified you could think this is acceptable advice to give a mother at the end of her tether.

Virtually every member of my family has some kind of neurodiversity. Your comment has really wound me up. The fact that somebody is neurodiverse does not mean that they have a free pass to behave badly and everybody else just has to take it. Quite apart from how stupid and toxic that attitude is within a family, that will do nothing to prepare a neurodiverse 18 year old for the real world, in which if you treat people badly they just don’t like you.

What on earth is wrong with DD2s behaviour? Nothing as far as I can see.

Is DD1 planning to go to uni away from home? At least then you will all get some respite and she will have the opportunity to mature and hopefully return a more well rounded person.

I think it’s difficult during teenage years to determine what’s normal teen angst and what is due to being ND.

It’s incredibly common for kids to feel like one of their siblings is preferred.

I recently had a macmillan coffee morning with a dozen mums from school - we were talking about favouritism and every single one of them said that their kids accuse them of liking their other kids better, it’s something that most kids come out with at some point.

DD1 seems to have fixated on the idea and/or is using it as a way to get more attention.

There’s no evidence at all here that the OP has done anything wrong or displayed favouritism.

This sounds a very tough situation. As others have said, being ND isn't a get out of jail card for any behaviour.
It maybe that you need family therapy, to try and break old patterns of behaviour and create new, more positive ones.

How very unhelpful. Why bother commenting if you can't be bothered to read in the first place?

She has been ignoring her sister who is neurodiverse which is discrimination. I know she's still a teen but as an adult you can go to prison for ableist bullying so she needs to be reminded that is not the way to behave in front of someone who doesn't have full control over their words/actions.

Well said.
Completely agree.

On MN people often attribute arsehole behaviour to being ND.

Fact is that you can be ND and just an arsehole too.

The two are not mutually exclusive.

That is why in my extensive experience of this, I have found those that have children now in their 20's, like my children, that are NOT arseholes, it is often because while I bent myself out of shape for them often, I had very little tolerance for acting the arsehole, and they knew it.

No one was allowed to dominate the house and when it came to it with my eldest, it was made very clear that he would be best advised to move out if he found house rules on these matters too difficult.

It was a very stressful time, but we both knew where we stood.
I loved him, but I would not tolerate disrespect in my home.

2 years later and we have a very loving respectful relationship.
He has moved out and misses home and all the support and comforts, whilst loving his freedom and life in a big city.

Unfortunately I had to lay the law down with my husband too who was far too soft on this score, but that is often the case I have found out through friends.

Men often take the easiest route when parenting, easier for them.

You can love your young adult children deeply, whilst laying down very firm boundaries on behaviour while you share a home.

Nah. People are all different and original not simply products of their upbringing. I am one of four and we are all SO different. Range from incredibly high achieving and successful to chronically unemployed and on drugs. Exactly the same parents and childhood. The constant black and white attitude of blaming absolutely everything on parenting is getting so boring.
It actually just gives people a pass to be arseholes and hold no accountability for their actions, because it's all the parents fault.

It's not illegal to ignore your sister 😂😂

I would ignore someone behaving like that too.

No one goes to prison for ignoring someone. No one.

The idea that you could go to prison for ignoring someone who acts unpleasantly to you would be laughable if the comment wasn't such strong evidence of how detached from reality MNers increasingly appear to be.

Was that comment about going to prison AI generated? No one actually thinks that.

What utter bollocks. Show me one article from a credible news source about someone going to prison for "ableist bullying".