To be mortified and so upset about how this date ended?

You're not unsexy. The man has some kind of problem, perhaps he is impotent. It's reasonable after kissing for someone to suggest sex and ok for the other person to refuse. Leave it there and don't offer or ask for apologies.

I can’t get past the comments on this thread, it is utterly shameful.

A drunk man declines sex with a very drunk woman at 2am and says he’s too tired and has work and would like to see her again ( and op he was drunk it was 2am he wasn’t going to be setting a time and place at that moment) and instead of accepting it was exactly what he said women are posting he’s got ed, is a virgin, has a micro penis , is gay etc. and that he was leading her on and she was entitled to sex.

it’s utterly utterly shocking people think like this. If men were posting that shit about a drunk woman declining sex at 2am as she was tired and had work and said she’d like to see him again, there would be an utter outcry, and likely from the exact same women posting he’s got a micro penis and is impotent.

Men post far worse than that about women I can assure you. Remember the guy posting about how he was going to abduct Holly Willoughby? Or the Pelicot case? Unlike those cases no men have been harmed by this post.

Anyone is allowed to change their mind at any point and have that decision respected.
I think he did the right thing by not going home with a drunk woman who obviously likes him when he wasn’t sure he wanted a relationship with her.

No need to hold women to a far higher standard than men

The same? Why would the answers be any different if the roles were reversed?

Normally adult people are capable of either acting like they aren't seeking romance if they truly don't or saying straightforwardly the chemistry or the attraction they hoped for isn't there if they, in fact, do seek romance but can't see themselves having it with this particular person. This guy, however, acted like he was interested in developing some kind of relationship with OP then said he was looking for none of it. That's mixed signals and pretty much leading the other person on, not a good look for anyone, man or woman.

I'm sure OP wouldn't have any problem with him keeping his distance throughout their dating time but he didn't do that. He showed all the interested and reciprocated her steps then declared he doesn't want any of that in general. He should've said he doesn't want any of that with her specifically if this is the case, and it would have been still painful for her but at least there would be some clarity. His response made no sense given the context and was a childish attempt at avoiding an honest conversation. This is very much the reason to side-eye the person regardless of their gender.

You’ve defintely got alcohol induced anxiety- it’s horrible! I think he does fancy you and there’s possibly something else going on. I once dated someone who couldn’t quite bring themselves to spend the night. Turns out he was worried about ED - which he didn’t actually have! Maybe he’s anxious too but either way, you’ve done nothing wrong and do not let this don’t your confidence, he wanted to kiss you!! PS. That date is now my husband.

Just because something else can be worse doesn't make this right.

If society think the lowest of the low thoughts of people from a particular demographic it becomes ingrained into their behaviour.

Yes, possibly, but he could and should have told you that, not walked off at 2 am! You know, you may have dodged a bullet. IME, men who send mixed messages are not good news. I think it's time to stop berating yourself and see it as an early lesson learned. I'm not convinced you are missing much at all. Unless and until he redeems himself by coming forward soon to clear the air and take some responsibility I would view him with some suspicion. Stop being so hard on yourself!

I was responding to
If men were posting that shit about a drunk woman declining sex at 2am as she was tired and had work and said she’d like to see him again, there would be an utter outcry
Men post much worse on the Internet and there is no need to pretend otherwise or to hold women to a far higher standard than men are subject to. Women are in far more danger from men than the reverse. Women posting on the Internet doesn't compare to that. Let's not pretend men have it harder than women

You have nothing to apologise for, so please don't.

he is not the right guy for you and his behaviour isn't great.

you feel shit because you're hungover and you've got the hangover scaries.

have some marmite on toast, sweat it out and sleep it off, and don't message him again.

make some other nice plans that don't involve dating (or drinking too much)

So then we shouldn’t call out men’s bad behaviour on the internet because to do so would be to hold them to a different standard than we hold women? What a daft line of argument.

wtf, like women don’t do crimes? It’s not a race to the bottom, where we behave like shit and it’s ok as men do it too,

I then said he owed me an apology for leading me on.

Christ alive. If a bloke admitted that he would have his arse handed to him.

Maybe he was nervous about having sex straight away. Maybe you were a crap kisser. Maybe his ex texted him and agreed to give it another go. Maybe he just changed his mind.

The mental gymnastics on this thread to justify your attitude are repulsive.

Right so we all behave like pieces of shit to each other and it’s ok, men say we can do it as women do, and women accept men doing it as they do it too? Because they do, this thread is an example.

Why generalise that women have it harder. Individuals have their own personal challenges whether they are women or men. Suicide rates in men are high for a reason. They aren't living the perfect life because they're men. Men aren't devils and women aren't angels. There's Individuals who are both, across men and women.

I would be pissed off if the man I'd spent the evening out with was wandering off up the street and leaving me at 2am.
After 4 dates he really doesn't owe you anything though.
He could be a headfucker, he may not like drunk ladies, he may have had work, he may have been tired 🤷🏻‍♀️ or all or none are true.
You felt hurt. He's probably best avoided if he initiates contact & dates in the future.

I’m trying to imagine a man starting a thread on here looking for advice. Says he’s dated a woman, they went out, got drunk, snogged a couple of times, at 2am he was keen to take her back to his place to shag her, she declined, said she was tired and had work the next day, but would like to see him again, and that he then got upset, she wandered off looking for a taxi, she started a tiff, he demanded an apology, saying she’d led him on, and she’d tried to argue that by kissing him he wasn’t entitled to sex and wouldn’t apologise for not having sex with him,

and the responses are she’s frigid, maybe there’s something wrong with her genitals, she’s a lesbian, you were entitled to sex, she shouldn’t have said no, she’s the problem, of course she should have shagged you if she snogged you snd felt your arse, there is something wrong with her, you’ve dodged a bullet.

and when someone says hey this is unacceptable. The responses are but yeah women say this shit too, so it’s ok.

because that’s where we are going, it’s ok for women to say this shit, so they’ve no come back when a man does it.

bottom line, he was drunk, it was 2am, he had work the next day, he wanted to see the op again, he was not required to stand there drunkenly at 2am and lock in a time and place. Yes he wandered off looking for a taxi, or wandered off not looking for a taxi , the story gets muddled there, but it’s clear the op was drunk and belligerent as he said no, hurt by the rejection and embarssed, and what came next was due to that,

she was not entitled to sex as he snogged her and felt her arse, just like a man isn’t, if a woman does that, nor does it mean he’s gay, impotent or has a micro penis for gods sake.

the very least we as women should do, is hold ourselves to the same standard as we want to hold men to,

They won't necessarily post on mumsnet. Lets hope men posting misogynistic stuff elsewhere online have other men telling them off about it. I doubt it.

People keep saying "imagine if the genders were reversed" as if MN wouldn't be telling OP she absolutely bears some responsibility for going on repeated dates if she isn't interested in dating. Because that is weird misleading manchild behaviour. Seems quite simple to me.

P.S. It is still not about sex, obviously he can say no to that. The argument is about romance. At no point has OP said he owed her sex or anything like it!

cmon now, that’s why she was hurt, and that’s what she keeps repeating, he led her on by groping her arse,

I didn’t say they would, although men do, the point I was making was if the exact scenario was repeated, with the genders reversed, this thread would have been deleted long ago as posters mass reported the comments.

This!

I've seen your other comments where you claim OP believes she was "entitled to sex", and those weren't in touch with reality either.

Thinking someone wanted what you wanted on the basis of their behaviour is not a crime. Honestly, as someone who has been sexually pressured many times, I find comparing OP's understandable disappointment and confusion to male predators downright offensive.

That's the last I'll say on this thread because it's a pile-on at this point over something OP already feels bad about.

If a woman, after having being snoggy and gropy on multiple dates with a man, went immediately cold and wandered off after that man mentioned coming back to his for sex that evening, it would be because she thought she might have led him on about sex and she did not want to give him the wrong idea about that in case he decided he was going to rape her and that a court would agree he was entitled to. She wouldn't say she wasn't looking for romance because in this situation she would be in danger and 'romance' would have nothing to do with it and no power to discourage him from sex.

This is why the 'reverse the genders' bleat just never works. We are not the same. Women tend in most cases not to rape and kill men who don't do what they want. Most men don't do it either but they do it enough that the risk as a woman is much greater compared to the risk as a man in the same situation and it is just not comparable.

Nobody has said or implied that the OP was entitled to sex because the guy led her on sexually. Literally no one. Not that people will read this post properly either since the reading comprehension level on this thread seems to be quite low.