Funny jokes needed

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Stick it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers

What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

What does a Swedish Fred Flintstone say?

Abba-dabba-do

What do you do if you're addicted to seaweed?
Sea kelp

What do you call a crocodile in a vest?
Investigator

What kind of dog can do magic?
A labracadabrador

How do you think the unthinkable?

with an ithberg.

How do you know if you've got elephants in the fridge?

Footprints in the butter.

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
How do you know it works?
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

How many elephants can you get in a Mini?
2 in the front, 2 in the back.
How many giraffes can you fit in a Mini?
You can't - it's full of elephants....

Cheese jokes

What did the cheese say to itself in the mirror? Halloumi!

What cheese do you use to bear down from a tree? Camembert!

How do you handle dangerous cheese? Caerphilly!

There was an explosion in a cheese factory. The workers were covered in de brit.

What cheese can you use to disguise or horse? Mascapone!

Why did the thief wear blue gloves?
He didn't want to get caught red-handed!

I've been trying to write a joke about margarine all day. It's no good: I just can't believe it's not better.

How do you know there are 3 elephants in the fridge? Ones waiting in the mini

i like the Tarzan sideline. People usually regret asking me to tell them a joke.

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants running through the jungle?
A: 'Here come the elephants running through the jungle!'
Q: Why did the elephants wear sunglasses?
A: So Tarzan wouldn't recognize them.
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants running through the jungle?
A: Nothing. He didn't recognize them with their sunglasses on.
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of giraffes in the distance?
A: 'Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!'

@encantox

A brilliant thread from earlier on this year

another here & christmas jokes here

Fook me. 😂 Never heard that one before. I LOLd at that!

Looking forward to this thread...

Doctor every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.
Are you talking anything for it ?

Yes,pepper!!

I took my kids to the zoo. There was only one animal there, a small, fluffy dog.

It was a shih tzu.

😂😂😂

"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug."

"I went to buy some camouflage pants, but I couldn't find any."

"I was going to tell you a joke about time travel, but you didn't like it."

"My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"

"What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."

Tell him to ask the doctor for a new bum. His one’s got a crack in it.

A Russian couple walks down a street in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining," he says to his wife.

"No, that feels like snow to me, dear," she replies.

Just then, a minor communist party official walks towards them.

"Let's not fight about it," the man says. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

"It's raining, of course" Comrade Rudolph says and walks on.

But the woman insists, "I know that felt like snow."

To which the man quietly says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear

Bloke waiting on a bone marrow transplant hears there is a donor in Argentina !

The operation goes ahead and is successful and he makes a full recovery

so the bloke decides to write to him to thank him.

He starts the letter :-

"Dear Diego marrow donor

Which did George Michael have a brown mark on his trousers..?
He was careless with his Wispa!

What's brown and sits on the piano stool?
Beethoven's last movement!

How do you get 2 whales in a mini?
Down the m4 and over the Severn Bridge.

Knock knock
Who's there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
Wow. I didn't know you could yodel.

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Europe!

I've told this one before on MN but here goes:

Scouse bloke is walking through Liverpool City Centre with his girlfriend. They stop at a jeweller's and she looks in the window and says, Oh look at that lovely ring, it's gorgeous!
He says, I could get that for you if you like - after the shop closes. And he winks at her.
They move on and stop outside a dress shop. His girlfriend says, Aww, look at that satin evening gown, I'd look fabulous in that.
He grins and says, Well I could get that for you and all - after the shop closes. She gives him a big hug.
They move on, and come to a shoe shop. She looks in the window and says, Oh look at those boots, they're amazing. Would you get me those as well?
And Scouse Lad frowns and says, Eh! What d'you think I am - made of bricks?