Funny jokes needed

What's the difference between a woke person and a gun?
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The gun only has one trigger.

It’s a fly with no wings!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/christmas/5450995-i-need-4-more-cracker-jokes?reply=148856202

Try this thread.

I went to the zoo last week. I was very disappointed. There were no big anime, just a very small dog. No monkeys, tigers, giraffes, nothing. Just this one, very small dog.

it was a shitzu.

Those are good!

A hamburger goes into a bar. the bar person says sorry we don't serve food

Strange fact: the people of Dubai just do not get the humour of The Flintstones - but the people in Abi Dhabi do.

What's Whitney Houston's favourite form of co-ordination? Hand-eye.

What do you call a man with a spade in his head? Doug.

How many Doctor Who fans does it take to change a light bulb? Two - one to change it, and the other to complain that the new one is not as good as the old one.

If there's a God, why are arses at the perfect height for kicking?

I went swimming with dolphins, it was an amazing experience, I felt so connected with them - we really clicked. It was expensive, but not as expensive as swimming with sharks - that costs an arm and a leg.

Thank you, I'm here all week, try the veal.

I entered 10 of my puns into a joke competition, hoping that one of them would win.
But no pun in ten did.

”Come forth, and you will receive eternal life!” said Jesus.
But John came fifth and received a toaster.

Politicians are just like nappies - they have to be changed regularly... for exactly the same reason.

I took my car in to the garage as it was making a terrifying noise every time I turned on the engine. I was really worried that I might end up with a huge repair bill and be without a vehicle for a week, but it only took the mechanic a few seconds to diagnose the problem and remove the Cilla Black CD from the stereo.

I bought a massive, top of the range, nearly-new TV from eBay for just £50. The seller described it as "in perfect condition apart from the volume knob is broken". I thought, at that price, I just can't turn it down.

What’s the most terrifying thing to hear in a nuclear physics lab?

”Oops!”

From the Two Ronnies:

The kKidderminster man who today squirted cavity wall foam up a policeman's trousers will appear in court charged with insulating behaviour.

The Harrow School garlic-eating contest has been won by the same boy for the third year running. His headmaster said today, "This definitely puts him in a class by himself.

A 4-foot tall criminal who used to work as a fairground clairvoyant has just escaped from prison. Police are warning the public to beware of a small medium at large.

I have a St Bernard dog whose name is Hire Purchase. He used to be called Rover, but I changed his name after I took him into DFS and he promptly put down a 10-pound deposit on a sofa.

Not a joke but I woke up today at 4am with something in my eye. It was my dog's nose!

And I've done some batch cooking this morning. I'm calling it 'Desperation in a Dish'.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

How do you tell the difference between a bugler and a burglar?

One of them has a bugle. And the other one is really upset that his bugle’s been stolen.

My Grandad has the heart of a lion, the hide of a rhino, the eyes of a tiger... and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh Zoo.

I heard that as chocolate oh his face.

A mummy potato has 3 daughters. One day she says to them, ‘Now I want you all to get married, and married well. Go out and find husbands.’

Next day, the oldest comes home and says ‘Mum, I’ve found a husband. He’s a King Edward.’ Mum’s impressed- ‘Royalty in the family….brilliant’.

the next day the middle daughter comes home and says ‘Mum, I’ve found a husband! He’s a Jersey Royal’ . Mum’s so excited……more royalty in the family. She’s so proud of her girls.

the following day the youngest comes home and says ‘Mum, I’ve found a husband! I’m marrying Gary Lineker’. Mum’s fuming.

‘Gary Lineker!!!! You can’t marry him! He’s a COMMON TATER!’

I spent £2,000 to hire a swanky limousine to travel to a society ball; but I was shocked to discover that the price was only to supply the car, and I'd have to drive it myself.

All of that money and nothing to chauffeur it.

I knew a man who worked on the waltzers for 20 years, but he was sacked purely because the manager wanted to give his job to a family member instead. He sued for funfair dismissal.

A priest, a minister and a rabbit walked in to blood donation clinic.
The nurse asked the rabbit: "What is your blood type?"
“I am probably a type O" said the rabbit

A man walks in to a Scottish bakery, points to the display and asks "is that a macaroon or a meringue?"

The baker replies "no, you're quite right, it's a macaroon".

I'm old, so this one is definitely for a certain generation, but it's my favourite joke

Why has an Elephant got Big Ears?

Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.

(Ask an older person...)

What do you call the powerful secret society that controls cheese?

The Hallouminati.

Sorry did not upload

Friend sent me this today