Why do people add even more needless stress to their life?

The thread title is exactly what goes through my head whenever I hear a pregnancy announcement from people who already have children! I'm genuinely happy for those going from 0 to 1 since it's an important life experience and there may have been fertility issues along the way.

However 1 to 2 (or more) often feels like a decision made because you're supposed to provide siblings rather than genuinely enjoying the life with two kids. I do not know anyone around us who had an effortless transition from 1 to 2. A lot of marriages end up in divorce because of the extra stress and the problems ALWAYS started after the birth of the first or second child. However some families limp on for years or even a decade before the parents finally split.

Having another baby is the most avoidable source of needless stress you could ever have. Right after getting a dog or cat.

I don't sympathise a lot with parents who have 3+ kids and then expect everyone around them to be their village. Like driving their kids to parties, having one over for playdates while they're dealing with siblings schedules etc. As the one and done (calm DD, great life atm), I'm always roped into being designated driver for parents who can't get their shit together because they had too many kids.

@Dontlletmedownbruce @Yellowchair1 Funnily enough, I was thinking of a couple of people I know like this when I commented upthread about others making life choices that I don't personally understand!

I know people IRL who devote most of their lives to work, for example, or put their bodies through physical stress for a sport that I personally view as rather pointless, but it makes them happy, so it's the right life choice for them. Same with pets, I know people who are into their pets to an extent that I can't comprehend even though I have a dog myself.

But we're all different!

I’m always amazed at the number of my friends who aren’t coping with multiple kids under 5 and then decide to get a dog. Why.

I got a dog (puppy) at seemingly a bad time. I had an autistic child out of school, was going through EhCP tribunal process. I was a single co-parent, working full time. And yes 3 years on he does add some stress to my life, like having to get up earlier to walk him, getting dog by day care for when I’m in office/want to go out.

But he transformed my anxious, almost agoraphobic dc a t a horrible time in her life. He helped her enormously and probably me too. He makes life a bit harder, but now in a house of teens he pays me far more attention than them (and is often the only one pleased to see me 😂)

I mean my life would be less stressful without dc too, but I made that daft decision twice too!

Immediate gratification and poor impulse control.

I don’t have children but I can visualise how hard it would be with them. Same as if I was to have a puppy. Or have a career as a high flying lawyer. No thank you.

I have health reasons for keeping my life simple (which may look dull to others).

I do think some people thrive off of being busy and important though and some people are also martyrs.

I know a couple like this at work

I used to work with them both but he moved on

Every single shift has a new drama of their own making and then one of them will cry about it

Its very draining and takes up most of the managers time

If I hear the line 'this affecting my mental health' just one more time,I will scream (they've created the bloody stress in the first place!)

She just back after her maternity leave and the baby is another layer to all this shite-plus they got a puppy just before she gave birth

They are finding that a working breed without a job to do is harder work than a baby,but they got it because 'it's cute'

Some people just love the drama (we love it more when they are off due to their mental health and work is drama free)

That’s true about weddings. Erm you are making all of these decisions about your ‘big day’, and making it stressful for yourself! There is absolutely no need (imo).

I think this every time someone has a(nother) child! Imagine thinking "Yeah life is easy enough..." Can't relate!

Yes also those families really struggling then ruefully say they are pregnant with a third. Why?!?

You see the same thing at work. Complaining that they're close to burnout and you feel sorry for them and think what bastards the bosses are, then you see how they themselves take on more and more work and do it in the most complicated way possible and you realise they NEED this stress somehow.

No, I'm not sure. They know what they're doing will cause stress in many cases.

Some people have poor inpulse control or do not think things through properly - others like the drama.

Sometime though I do think you can be too cautious - and miss out on good things - I suspect I've been these last few years talk out of doing things that would have been short term hard but long term paid off.

Sometimes I know in our lives we have planned then unexpected things happen - last pg at 6 months I should have forseen a global econimic downtrun that took everyone else by surprise.

Best thing in my life kids, pets and DH and yes even buying a house- all of which someone tried to tell me was a terrible idea and would make my life awful.

She probably has ADHD. Those types of brains need the stimulation of stress and drama so they make choices that will increase their stimulation. It’s the only logical conclusion, otherwise they’d make the choices that make their lives simpler and calmer.

Some people seem to thrive on endless drama and strife. 🤷‍♀️

Some people love the drama.
A friend of mine that I’ve recently distanced from constantly has another drama and is adding more to her plate.
It took me a while to realise the pattern of regular crises I was drawn into before realizing they were never really an issue. Or could have easily been a non issue.
so just let them do their thing and distance if the moaning gets too much. People like that have to help themselves !

I could probably be the chaotic friend 🤣 (I'm definitely not though!) my friend who is single, no kids, no pets and a decent job came to visit recently. I have a family full of neurodivergence and have chronic health problems myself and 2 dogs, 1 of which is a puppy! But I honestly wouldn't wish my life to be easier, I absolutely adore my kids despite how much work they are at times and I love my solitary moments with my dogs 🤷🏻‍♀️

I am not like this now, but I used to be.

I had an abusive Father, an eating disorder which made me very self-concious, was bullied, but also was very bored a lot of the time. Dad hated me, Mum was a big career woman. I was always just at home with nothing to do but eat and potter about, any time I wasn't at school.

I think in my younger adult years, once I had freedom, a body I was happier with and friends, I just needed to fill allllll of my time, I was both terrified of being bored and newly a 'real person' who could do things,and wasn't under the watchful eye of my Dad who resented any joy or childlike behaviour.

It took me until my mid-late thirties to become calm and appreciate downtime more than chaos.

I get it, OP. I work with children and families, and I see this all the time. People who are really struggling financially, can't cope with their children's behaviour, constantly stressed out and overwhelmed, having to rely heavily on various agencies for practical, financial and emotional support just to keep afloat... but they keep getting more and more pets! It's hard not to be frustrated by it, but it's their choice.

I think a pp who mentioned poor impulse control is probably right. I also think some people just feel chronically empty. They convince themselves that another puppy, another baby or whatever it is will fill the void, but they still feel shit, so they start coveting the next thing.

I had friends who moaned about how stressed and skint they were and then decided to have another baby and presented it as a good idea.

I mean, what? Immediate massive step back because no way in hell am I listening to that level of self induced moaning.

I know exactly what you mean.

I also think it’s different from people who take on a lot and enjoy and laugh about the craziness of their lives and the challenges of it. I know people like that and that’s fine. But there are people who clearly are constantly stressed and panicked and complaining about problems they have 100% brought upon themselves, or people who make every situation worse by actively adding to it. I find those people so draining.

And if all that wasn’t enough… this woman has “friends” like @Glummballs who start threads about her basically asking posters to criticise her. Poor sod

There’s always something happening in life. Waiting for the right moment to have a baby, get a dog, move house, start a new job or whatever may mean that it never happens. Sometimes you just got to think YOLO and crack on!

I think you’re right that grief (from loss and the sort of longing for calm that a drama filled life you didn’t sign up to causes) can cause you to make rash decisions and you need to stabilise to get out of that spiral.

i certainly feel the stress in my life over the last few years (which included losing my gran, my partner being made redundant, moving home and it being more of a renovation project than we thought and my step-children’s mother bringing a stream of partners including a pedophile in to the children’s lives) has caused me to make rash decisions and spend more money than I should in a desperate attempt to escape from the stress/trauma and do something that makes us happy. I have reigned that back in steadily and do feel happier as a consequence but the impulse is still to think that a weekend break, retail-therapy or a major house project will distract us from the real issues.

That's interesting. I have found that grief has actually made me care less about all of the vacuous stuff that some of those without a significant loss care about. Infact it has made me quite angry and unwilling to entertain certain conversations with certain people. I have definitely realised life is too short e.g holiday over a home renovation. I don't make stress for myself though, but we are all different.