MIL says I “hijacked” her son because I helped my parents

I reckon hubby is behind this. He's annoyed but didn't have the balls to raise it with you OP so he's stirred mummy up and now he wants to make it even. I doubt its all MIL.
Split the bills and outgoings 50/50 and then whatever he has left from his personal income each month he can share with his mother and you keep your balance. Don't you subsidise them.

This sounds ridiculous, OP. That's about at least 30% of his salary!

You helped your parents through a crisis; he's proposing to support his mother indefinitely/forever?!!
Unless he earns a massive salary, that is absurd.

How does she support herself at the moment?

I can understand helping her with medical bills, as you have done for yours. But any more than that is surely too much, especially as you will soon have 3 children to support!

Did you discuss it with him, or did he just announce 'this is what I'm doing'?

You have absolutely prioritised your parents. But would you do the same for his in a similar situation? Do you know if mil does need support with her health problems?
its hard having so sons and you often dont get treated equally.

Your MIL is jealous of the help you and your DH have given to your DF, and her prejudice towards you is pretty disgusting to be honest.

I suggest you do not have high expectations of her and your SIL, as they are riddled with prejudice, are mean and nasty induviduals and lack decency.

What you and your DH did to help your father is amazing and I am so glad he recovered, and your MIL and SIL can not ever take that away from you and your DH.

Just be cautious with these weak minded nasty women, and tell your DH to deal with them instead.

Your DH needs to communicate with them to shield you from their atrocious attitudes, especially to keep your stress levels to a minimum.

She's damaged it with her greed and selfishness.

Some relationships aren't worth the effort or cost of saving.

Your DH has issues that he needs to examine carefully. I presume that there's a backstory involving inequality of expectations...

Why??? Say no! I honestly couldn’t stay with a man who priorities his mum over his children. Especially a nasty mum. I’d be having a serious conversation about how this will damage your marriage.

You and your husband paid half your dad’s medical bills. Have you sent your parents large amounts of money for other things? Your dad was really ill - your MIL just wants you and your husband to pay for her lifestyle.

My parents would balk at the idea of me or their sons paying their bills. They’d tell me to focus on my child. Be careful with offering to pay other people’s bills and medical appointments in future.

He really should not do this. You helped your parents because they were in urgent need. If your DH starts doing this now, when will it stop?

This is BATSHIT!!

My MIL eventually told me that I had "hijacked" her son and that we weren't really family anymore.

...

If he doesn’t do anything for his mom, their relationship could be permanently damaged.

She disowned her own son rather than talk to him about what she was upset about. And what she was upset about, was that he spent money that he could afford on preserving the life of a member of his (in-law) family. The relationship is already permanently damaged.

I can't imagine feeling like I had to pay money every month and every one of their medical bills for the rest of their life so that I could be un-disowned.

I hope he does know that this won't be the end of it. She'll demand more, and/or bring it up every time she wants to get one up on him.

If MIL needed support with her health conditions she could have used her words - the polite ones - to have asked for help.

Instead she went straight to disowning her son because he helped somebody who he could afford to help.

This 100%.

You need to emphasise to your DH, under which circumstances you helped your father.
These regular payments which your DH is going to pay your MIL, you don't know how long these will go on for. Over time your MIL could start asking for an increase.
Each monthly payment, when calculated and the amount that will he will be annually will be huge. Any cash your MIL will have spare, I bet she will be sharing with SIL.
You should definitely point out to your DH that how dare MIL have a problem with you helping your father out in a health emergency.
You weren't the only one who helped your father, all your siblings helped.
If your MIL wants money from her son then her daughter should be contributing aswell.
But no she won't want that, she's only controlling her son.

Also with your 3rd child on the way, you will have your own family expenses.

You do have a DH problem, who over shared information with his mother and caused all this bitterness and jealousy.

That's insane! If your husband is paying all of his mum's bills and medical expenses (which I don't understand as Spain has a 'free at the point of use' healthcare system so why would she have medical expenses?), then she has nothing to pay for and all her income/savings are hers to spend on whatever she fancies.

The fact that he is then also going to gift her 20% of his income on top of that means that your household income will drastically reduce just when you are having another baby while her household income increases massively.

Your SIL will bargain to her brother over her rights to his salary next ! Then he will be working for 50% of his salary for his ready made family.

I've read all your posts and am staggered! This is insane. She's blackmailing her son.

Legal definition of extortion: making unwarranted demands with menaces (threats) to gain an advantage or cause loss.

A relationship you have to pay this much for isn't worth having. Why would he want a mother who charges a fee?

So if your DH is going to pay 20% of his salary to his mum, along with paying all her bills - will he still contribute the same as he does now to the family pot to cover all outgoings, including mortgage/rent/utility bills. If he plans on reducing this, I’d strongly consider leaving him.

I’d separate your finances if he proceeds with this and you both contribute proportionally to household costs from net salary, he can finance his mum with what’s left of his salary and you do not contribute a penny of your own money to your MIL.

And I wouldn’t be bringing his nieces and nephews shopping monthly. Let your DH do this with what’s left from his own salary.

This is insane ! What he does is say to them that if ever in need the money will Be there for them like it was yours. .
Does his mum need money ? @leonorrr

I would tell your parents in front of him or on the phone when he can hear, don’t keep it quiet as he is happy to tell his family about your finances. Let him hear their shock and horror at his mum emotionally blackmailing him. Let mil be judged and it will hit home that his mum is being outrageous.

Is it typical in your culture for high earning sons to send money to their parents?
Does your MIL need financial support or is she well off anyway?

Before you mentioned the 20%, I wondered if it was less about the money and more that in the 6 months your parents stayed with you, did you see less of in-laws.

But a working family with young children financially supporting their parents is unusual here.

Yes I agree with 100%.
I think your DH wasn't happy but didn't say anything, but he was sharing his annoyance with his mother.
He has given his mother the power to be assertive and controlling.
I suspect this is considered normal and allowed in your culture. I know in some cultures the parents like to keep control.
However those parents have a jealous nature to start with. Your MIL is greedy and jealous.

I'd like to add, normal kind parents would have been understanding and thought this was an emergency where you needed to help your father.
However your MIL is not from the normal bunch, she's outrageously mean and jealous.
However, I think you should take a bit of your money aside and save for your emergencies.

As your MIL is keeping an eye on your finances.
It's unbelievable your husband has just announced he's going to pay his mother such and such amount. Your MIL is very manipulative.
What was your MIL living on before this?
How come she needs so much from your DH now, all of a sudden?
If they don't need financial help now, then tell your DH he should help them in emergencies, when they actually need help.
Ask your husband, he will have the responsibility of 3 children soon and he has a responsibility towards them.

Agree with this.
He has been bitching at length behind your back and now is making a ridiculous and dramatic agreement.

Time to split finances and he provides his substantial pension for his mother from his side.

Sadly I think this could be marriage ending if you both don't get into therapy together soon.

You have provided massove support to your parents.
Could you put a figure on it realistically?
Then look at the figures he is proposing.

What age is his mother?
I think you need to look at figures.
20% of income is frankly enormous.

Surely all you need to do to equalise things, is to agree to help them if they are ever in need of medical assistance too.

I find it hard to understand why the op is letting her mother-in-law jerk her around like a puppet on a string.
My mother-in-law was extremely rude to me in about 2010 and I didn't see her again until 2023, I don't especially dislike the woman but I wouldn't let her affect me.

I think I would point out to your husband that your father's situation was an emergency, and time limited (my understanding is it's not ongoing?)

Maybe there is something about his mother's health and finances that does mean she could so with some support, but if her situation is ongoing, I think it's reasonable to challenge the 20% figure. I would ask him how he has arrived at that figure, as a starting point.

The behaviour of your in-laws has been incredibly childish. I would urge your husband to just take a moment before reacting and committing to anything while upset. Once you start giving it can be hard to stop. It has to be sustainable, financially and emotionally.

Also, congratulations :)